jeb7363

untlil AH was over last night. I wanted to try to talk to him about dividing assets, etc for the divorce. He just shook his head and said he didn't know "why i was doing this" OK.... ummm. so i guess he hasn't been paying a whole lot of attention to the pain I've been going through for like the last 20 years of my life.. and another twist, i live in a small town and my friendly neighbors have told me that he has been cheating on me with a married woman down the street for years. I was suspicious of this, because i would see her phone number on his cell phone bill pretty often and he would try to lie it away saying he was talking to her husband about something and then he said they're just friends, but he knew i wouldn't understand so he has to lie. He also had to lie about why he was fired from a job and he had to lie about so many other things becaue I just can't handle the truth. So it's all me... Well, i just had it and started yelling at him and he just stands there all calm and collected and denying everything, making me look like a ranting raving lunatic. I tried to slam the door and he was still in the doorway so the door smacked him, and he came back in with his fist drawn, so now it's an ugly physical thing and I may have made things worse with regards to having an amicablle fair divorce. having a realllyyy baaaaaaad day.

newenglandgirl

Hey sweetie hang in there. It all sounds horrible. Are you physically ok? Is there somewhere you can go? Let us know how you are.
hugs to you.

Cynay

Boy do I ever know that rage feeling.... especially when they stood there trying to make me feel that I was crazy even when I had the facts.

OK.... So it happened..... no sense in letting it make today a bad day... What did you learn from last night...

Here is what I see in your post. 1. He quacks well. 2. He does not think you are a capable, mature women that can handle life. 3. That he Lies (does not matter what excuses he uses) 4. That he is trying to manuplating you. 5. That it is still all about himself and is not willing to look at his part.......

That he came back with fitst drawn and it has become physical.... (BIG HECK NO)

Alrighty.... Well we know life is not fair, otherwise none of us would have to go through all this....(acceptance is the very hardest for me, that and detachment) so just accept that the divorce may not be amicablle or fair... That he can still trigger you and that is dangerous to you.... so perhaps some boundries could work.... I had to do the no contact route. Sounds to me like trying to talk to him or explain is not working for you???? Why would it, how many times have to tried that??? They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over.... expecting different results....

Time to get the focus on yourself, take care of you and hopefully get some support in doing that. For support I use Al-anon and SR....

It does get better, I just had to let go of what was out of my control (everything).... and focus on what I could control.... only me.

jeb7363

i'm emotionally exhausted, i've been crying so much between last night and today, trying to get it out of my system before my kids get home from school... i guess what really bothers me is that he is doing better with all this than I am. I had to call off sick today because I was just drained and had a huge crying "headache". He somehow got another job, he's going about his life OK and I am falling apart. I think I'm mourning the loss of our life together. As bad as it was sometimes, it was also good at times. It's just that the bad was too hard for me to live with..and obviously he wasn't able or willing to change.
Thanks for listening, I am grateful for this outlet. Also I don't know what I would do without my dog. She is sitting on my lap looking up at me with her little dog eyes. Never underestimate the power of dog love.

jeb7363

btw, he didn't hit me. Just did the "why I oughta" fist thing...Not that what he did wasn't wrong but I just wanted to clear up that I am ok physically.

lilac

Oh, I am so sorry you are going through this. They try to make us think WE are the crazy ones.....I know my AH does. Just take it day by day, that is all any of us can really do. I moved out in Oct.2006 and he still drinks, etc...and thinks I am just gonna move back in. I plan on seeing a divorce lawyer.......

Crying cleanses the soul ! And gives you one h*&# of a headache, doesn't it. Please keep us posted.

BigGirlPanties

Sigh....just another reminder how this is a family disease.

Have you thought about getting help in Al anon?

lilac

Good suggestion, BigGirlPanties !!!! Al-anon has helped me soooo much.

stone

Sounds like he deserves a door slammed in his face in more ways than one.
The fact that he can go from playing MR. Rational to physically intimidating/bullying you-and the other things you mentioned shows he has no respect for you.
I wouldn't worry 'about making it worse', he is going to be an ******* whatever.

prodigal

Jeb, we've all lost it at one time or another. They start pushing our buttons and sometimes we lose control. You are only human. I had to learn from my own mistakes that the best thing I could do was (1) leave the house, (2) leave the room, (3) request he leave the room, or (4) start singing "quack, quack, quack" in my head. As BigGirl said, this truly is a family disease. We get as crazy and irrational as they are.

Do NOT beat yourself up over this. Go to an Al-Anon meeting. Pick up "Codependent No More." I often just start reading any page at random and it helps to calm me down. Pray, if you feel moved to do so. Give your hurt and anger over to your higher power.

And, please consider the source that is pushing your buttons. An addict and an adulterer; this is not someone who has anything going for him in the integrity and character categories.

jeb7363

i will definitely look into al anon I tried it years ago, but wasn't ready to accept that he was an alcoholic back then and thought I didn't belong. I really don't get this disease. He's the type of drinker that can go days without drinking, doesn't drink at home or by himself or first thing in the morning, but when he starts he just drinks to oblivion usually. And, yes, he's usually out and then driving so he has gotten 3 dui's over the past 20 years. So I guess it always seemed to me that he could "control it" to some extent. Like the disease didn't control him, he could choose when to let himself get drunk. Either way, if he could control it, he should have done a better job and if he couldn't control it, he never admitted that to me or himself.

cmc

Hi jeb,
I know this is how you feel but if you think about it.... it's not true.
It just appears that way to you because of all the emotion and probably from being exhausted from the stress...that he causes.
Yes, you are suffering and taking a day off... I see that as a good thing. You are taking care of yourself and the things you need to do to get your life normalized. So you are grieving..and that's something that is expected and will get better with time.
I wish him well and hope he finds recovery but his apparent ability to 'go on' is just another sign of his problems, a lack of respect or concern. I can pretty much guarantee you that he is NOT "going about his life ok." You are. It just takes honesty, strength and hard work. I think you are the winner here.

mfisher

First let me say, trying to do an amicable divorce with an alcoholic who doesn't see the problem is almost impossible.
I was married 23 years, in a situation that sounds pretty simular to yours.
The cheating, lying, insanity. The whole theory around "having to lie" cause you won't understand AHHHHHHHH. No one in there right mind would understand.
I too was a raving lunatic in the end. It was then that I realized I had to walk away. I did not like the person I had become.
I could no longer accept the unacceptable.
Do what you need to do for you. Trying to negotiate or establish any kind of reasoning will suck you in farther.
I too grieved the loss of good memories, but I was also reminded and haunted by the insanity. Keep the good memories stored away.
The whole divorce process takes time emotionally and physically. Take your time. It is your call, 20 years is a long time.
It is really hard when deception is involved, to this day I am finding out about his lies. Some days I feel pretty stupid and can't believe how I believed in him. I have allowed myself to be human and it is ok.
It is amazing how they seem to just go on with their lives.
You just need to go on with your life and keep coming back for support.
Realizing something needs to change is the very first HUGE step you have taken.

denny57

You are ok, jeb, and you will be ok today and tomorrow. I agree with those above who say he is not just carrying on. Try not to even go there in your thinking. You are taking care of yourself and that is great. I lived it for 18 years and was also a lunatic at the end. Screaming at neighbors, bank employees, grocery store cashiers, road rage, people in movies who blocked my view with their big heads, my cats, the postal carrier, you get the idea.

Keep the focus on you and your recovery and I promise you life will get better.

(((())))

jeb7363

"I too was a raving lunatic in the end. It was then that I realized I had to walk away. I did not like the person I had become.
I could no longer accept the unacceptable. "

This is so true...I think that's when i finally knew it was over too. I was screaming like a lunatic one Sat. morning because he had been out all night drinking and I realized I didn't like who I'd become. I don't want to be the wronged wife anymore. Or have to accept what I know is unacceptable.

Cynay

That is the very first step in recovery....

Admitting we are powerless over people, places and things -- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Your just not alone, Im not sure that it is possible to live with an active Alcoholic without recovery (even then Im not sure I could) and not go insane.

When I think back on my behavior at the end of the relationships with my alcoholics... Im truely embarrased and shake my head wondering who that women was.

dragonfly9

i am at the raving lunatic stage right now and i feel really sorry for the man in tesco car park tonight who tried to take my car park space .