ManOnaMission

I'm new to this sight but I'm definately not new to the problems of living with an alcoholic. Alcohol has made her lie, cheat and steal. We are tens of thousands of dollars in debt, she recently had an affair and she is somewhat of any absentee wife/mother. I know some of you are saying that these were her choices (they were) but she quit drinking about 5 months ago, fell off the wagon over the holidays and has had a hard time with it recently.
Since she quit she says and does things that are not her and I know this is normal...her brain is going through changes.
I'm trying not to say the wrong things, I'm going to my first Alanon meeting Thurs. and I'm going with her tonight to see her therapist.
HOW DO I KEEP FROM GOING NUTS?!?!?
I'm a 3rd grade teacher and I have so much patience and understanding but I can't get certain things out of my head. The other night I couldn't fall asleep til after 4 AM!!

mallowcup

I would stop the conversation when she blames "that other person", the one who drinks. There if no third party. This may be a part of herself that she doesn't like but it is a part of who SHE is. Until she takes responsibilty for that part of herself, she has an excuse. I would set boundaries and stick to them. If she needs to check herself into a facility with padded walls, so be it. She has a problem. She has a problem that does not make her exempt from her responsibilites or her vows. Some people can work a program successfully. Some need to be restrained and medicated. She has created tangible, mental and emotional trama to your household. I think alanon will help you. You can post here too. You can become proactive in reading and putting what you learn into practice. She must bend to the well being of your house because if your household continues to bend to her will, it will snap. Put her out. Do it as a wake up call. Pretend you are a man with boundaries and limits even if it breaks your heart. Fake it until you make it. This doen't mean you won't take her back but she doesnt' need to know it. Who will win your household? A smart strong man with a level head or a drunk? You owe her nothing, infidelity is a ground for divorce. Alcohol did not lay down with another man, she did. If she drank her way to stupidity, she needs to do something about it. Save yourself. Save your household. She has gone too far to excuse or ignore this any longer. I would include a repayment plan for the debt. She asks to be forgiven things she would not forgive.

mallowcup

Please go get tested for STDs. Alcoholics don't tend to have sex with people they picked up on the church pew. I'm so sorry for your pain. This was total selfish, on top of selfish, on top of the ultimate selfish.

parentrecovers

welcome, manonamission -

sorry to hear what you have been going through. addiction causes so much chaos - it's hard to sort through. sounds like you are making good decisions to attend alanon and counseling. let us know how your first meeting goes? blessings, k

lilac

Welcome to SR.....so sorry to hear what you have been going through. However, I feel that you are taking steps in the right direction.

Mr. Christian

I'd run, run as fast as your little legs will carry you.

Take care of yourself and know that the woman you married is gone.
Save your kids and yourself.

Pick-a-name

Welcome! Glad you found us!

You have already heard about Alanon,posting here,etc.....that should help. Focus on you and your kids and don't be led around by her toxic brain. These resources will help you do that.

Have you read "Under the Influence" or "Getting Them Sober" vols. 1-4 (see http://www.GettingThemSober.com for free preview chapters online) I have found those great books;a good starting place!

Keep coming back and posting........my A has been doing the same nutty,hurtful,destructive stuff (except no sober time). Try to take your focus off her and put it were it can do real good....back on you and your family.

hopeangel

gosh, i am so sorry you are going through this you sound like such a good-hearted man.

vujade

Welcome to SR! I'm sure it felt just awful to see your wife relapse after 5 months of sobriety. Hopefully the two of you will find the support you each need. I know the people here at SR are amazing.

DesertEyes

Hey there ManOnaMission, and welcome to SoberRecovery.

I went thru something similar to what you describe with my ex-wife. I remember being up all night filled with worry, feeling like I was going nuts. I prayed for hours, even offered myself up in exchange for her. I love her so much I was willing to give up my life if only that would save her.

What kept me from going nuts was meetings of al-anon. I found a group of people who understood _exactly_ what I was going thru, and who had survived what I thought would surely kill me. They had piles of books for me to read, and tons of pamphlets, and all kinds of suggestions and ideas that I had never even imagined before. I even found an all-guys meeting, although it was a bit of a drive.

There's all kinds of great information right here, at the top of this forum in the "sticky" posts. You can also just browse thru all the posts and see all the ideas that everybody shares.

Let us know what you think of that Thursday meeting you mentioned. And definetly check out a few more, each one has it's own "flavor" and it may take a few different ones before you find one you feel comfortable with.

Mike

parentrecovers

just want to say hello and welcome. lots of good experience and support here, so please keep posting. blessings, k