NoChoice

I typed up a post two times yesterday and my connection failed so it didn't post, I figured I wasn't supposed to post yesterday!

I moved out Dec 1. My ex AH and I were in marriage counseling where he professed that he did not have a problem with alcohol and proceeded to get drunk. After he signed the separation papers he quit going to counseling. We agreed to date, he never called because "it was too much for him". I wanted to make myself available so I know I did my part. I love this man so very much but not the drinker in him. The drinker is the more prominent person in him now, hence my leaving.

I hardly heard from him which I found to be a good thing for me--no contact. He called on Christmas and I was in an emotional tailspin. I decided that I would not talk to him anymore because I do not feel spiritually stable enough. Conveniently, he has not called or emailed me at all. I posted about how that hurt...thanks for your replies.

Last night I met for dinner with my old neighbors (from when I lived in the house with him) they helped us out with our wedding. They said that they were asking them about me and if they had seen me. The neighbors told him that we were going to dinner. Man, I felt good that he was asking...there I go looking for crumbs again. Then I remembered that actions speak louder than words. Since I left, he has done nothing. Why do I obsess sooooo much?? I am sober myself and I am amazed at all of this and how I didn't see the disease in him and why it is so hard for me to understand that he is chosing the bottle over our marriage because that is all he can do. I journal, pray, play the mental tape all the way through so I don't forget the bad that followed the good but yet I still obsess and my mind can make me think, "he is waiting for me to call him." That is crazy. I left because I could not accept him being mean to me when he was drunk which was becoming a real regular occurance. I am rambling now....sorry.

best

Trying to make sense out of nonsense will have your head spinning every time.
I could do a play by play, step by step of his thoughts and actions because I have been there. When i finish...you would sit in wonder...What? that seems so dumb. His thoughts are all over the place and his emotions will change minute by minute or day by day till he starts to seek and gain some recovery.

You will never figure it out unless you join the crowd and walk in our shoes. A high price to pay to learn the answer to nonsense.

Two things that would serve you best...
1) Take care of you. When he is ready, willing, and able, he can catch up.
2) His actions over time will speak of his recovery. His proper actions will guide your choices in the future...for now...see #1.

NoChoice

Best, I always like what you have to say you have a good perspective with your own recovery.

So I guess the only thing for me to do, which is what I thought I was doing but relapsed, is walk and keep walking. Don't wonder, don't question and continue to set boundaries when I see people that know both my exah and I and ask them not to give me updates because I don't need to know. I failed to do that when I went to dinner with my old neighbors. I did not take care of myself but part of me wanted to hear what they had to say.

Nuudawn

I am a recovering alcoholic with a growing insight into my own addiction daily...and even with my knowledge of my own "dis-ease" and the inherent behaviours and lack of conscious thought and judgement, I STILL try to rationalize the words and behaviours of my alcoholic ex. It's completely ludricous!
My "stuff" is what needs to be addressed...yet I still spend energy thinking 'bout his. Recognize that you are both in pain and dare I say....rather self involved. I know that my ex is sick, lonely, miserable, struggling, depressed and toxic to both himself and others.....yet I still think about what he did to ME. That is equally sick thinking. He's worse off cuz he's is still actively self abusing. I know that I am actually in a much happier and peaceful state than he is...yet still sometimes I get caught up in my own EGO and FEAR...rather than the much more peaceful state of love and spirit...where I can look at him with compassion and detachment...knowing he will always hurt me while using..and that his recovery (if that day ever comes) is between he and a power greater than himself. There is absolutely nothing I can do for him...nothing except let him go to make his own way and choices. That is his right. Your attachment to something out of your control will only hurt you. You need to address your need and desire for a relationship that will never give you real love, affection, consideration and support. Our attachments to addicts/alcoholics is strongly indicative of our own low self worth, insecurity, fear, etc. We are attracted to reflections of ourselves.

NoChoice

Yes, I swing regularly, although less frequently, between self pity and fear to love and peace. I like the love and peace place much more.

I do need to look at why I even think about a relationship with an unavailable man. That is going to be alot to chew. I know that I am worth it and I am so glad I left where I was. Now that I am here, I want to get better. I don't like feeling the pity and fear.

Thanks Nuudawn

denny57

In the past, I would do anything, including trying to steer an alcoholic, rather than look at my own issues. Once I started down my own path of recovery, I finally understood why it is so difficult for the addict to change, too. It can get confusing because the drug is involved, but it's still the same core issue to me - not wanting to address my own problems. Much, much easier to look outward. But the payoffs from looking inward have been HUGE.

Nuudawn

This is truly a painful and harrowing process; this "recovery". And the pendulum is indeed exhausting isn't it No Choice...argh. Whenever I get stuck in that "obsessing" place, I soooooo miss my peace and wonder what triggered the "swing". But allowing whatever feelings you are feeling towards your ex is part of the process of letting go. I try to observe my feelings now (whenever possible)....acknowledge them but not judge (or beat on) myself for having them. It helps. I have come to fear the "ego and fear" place and try to stop the train of thought before it gains much steam. But hey "triggers"..just like life..happen.

And you are soooo right Denny...the payoffs of finally dealing with yourself rather than externals IS huge.

NoChoice

I guess I did not realize how much of this is mine. I want to look at myself. I want to get better. I want better for me. I want to work for this and be happy and free.

I mentioned that I am leaving for Iraq for a year on Fri. I have alanon books and this site to get me through. I really want better things. I am tired of being in the rut and tired of letting others dictate my feelings so much so that I give them the power to ruin my day, week, whatever.

I like the "minimal steam for the train" Nuudawn, thanks.

denny57

NoChoice, stay safe - look forward to hearing from you wherever you are.

((()))

best

Service related? If so... I say thank you (if you love your freedom, thank a vet)
And my prayers go with you.
My oldest son did short time there when things first started up. Four months left to his 5 years and they held him for 3 extra months. Out and home after that.

NoChoice

Thanks for your support of my going over to Iraq. I am in the service I have been for 10 years. I couldn't and would not have been here if I did not get sober first. I hear that there are AA meetings there, hopefully an alanon!! I can always start one.

I have never had butterflies in my gut like I have before going to Iraq, I guess that is healthy.

Thanks for all you all have done to mentally help get me ready to go. I am taking my own laptop (not gov't) so I can continue to post and read.

Nuudawn

You are courageous...in every way...don't forget that. You were strong enough to face your inner demons before when ya sobered up....you shall again. Amazing how our "sick" ego selves can sneak up on us in so many different ways. Good on ya for maintaining sobriety while your husband was still practising. You deserve so much more...so much more than this pain and struggle. Next time you start to struggle on thoughts about why you haven't heard from him or whatever...fight, fight for yourself...don't give anyone unable to love and respect themselves enough power..that their fear and sickness and inablity to "get real" is in any way indicative of your value. Two entirely separate things sista. I look forward to more of your posts.

NoChoice

NUUDAWN you are just AWESOME! So in tune and smart. I really appreciate it. Thanks

Nuudawn

No problem NoChoice...I struggle with same things...that's why I'm in tune I guess. Had a little cry and fight myself about an hour or so ago. I get real lost in fear sometimes...fear that I will always be alone, that there is something essentially wrong with me and my ability to connect with the men I care for the most (who are usually emotionally unavailable..so "duh"!). I go to that place of "well, if someone as screwed up as this guy doesn't want me (cuz he didn't fight for me either)...then I must be a REAL loser".

Ya, it's yucky, messy stuff..that is so STUPID...and irrational..but my irrational ego self...rather than my true and natural spirit self...has had YEARS of wrong perspective...will take awhile to lose these nasty habits.