mushroom

So I'm at a meeting, actually sharing something for a change instead of just sitting and listening which is my preference. Afterwards a woman in the group, who I try to avoid because she just totally reminds me of my mother, hands me a note as she goes to get coffee. Ok, she's trying to be friendly. I read the note, and (just like my mother would have done!) she's pointing out to me the lesson she hopes I learned from the experience I shared with the group!!!


I thought to myself after reading it - this is not what I consider to be entirely appropriate behavior!! isn't that like cross talk??

Now I do not want to say anything to her. I was told, and knew already on my own, to beware of people who remind me of my mother. She asked me after the meeting how I liked her note and I did not answer directly. I will not accept any notes from her in the future, you can be sure of that! My hands will stay in my pockets if I see a slip of paper coming my way.

I know that I tend to just go nuclear whenever anyone reminds me of my mother. But this can't be considered acceptable in Al Anon groups??? can it?

denny57

I don't think it's appropriate, but think you handled it great! Those trigger incidents really get me, too. I think your plan for any future notes is also good; you can also say "no thank you" if she tries to give you one. Just remind yourself it's her issue.

Good recovery!

Mr. Christian

Um, yeah your over reacting, let it go.

juniper

I'm an addict in recovery and my mom is an alcoholic who sometimes goes to AA meetings. I love her and want to be close to her, especially since my dad died when I was 11. It's really hard. I mean, just to call her. Because she'll be sober and then the next day, or later that evening, she'll be incoherent and not remember our conversations. I know I have lots of resentments towards her.
I went to a 6-week intensive outpatient therapy and my personal counselor was great. After meeting with her a few times, I realized she reminded me of my mom! When my mom's not drunk or a long time ago when I was a kid. It's strange how things affect us differently.
I think anything you're feeling in Al Anon groups is unacceptable. I don't think you should worry about that at all. You should avoid her if it makes you uncomfortable, and it sounds like you will be able to do that again. If it continues to be a problem, you may eventually have to say something to her.
I avoid one man in my NA group who lingers a little too long on the hugs and just creeps me out. Most of the women feel the same way. I just tell him hello and that I'm glad to see him. Even though I don't personally like him, I would rather him be at a recovery meeting than somewhere using or alone.
I hope you're getting help from Al Anon. I wish I would have started going to meetings when I was 11 and first realized my mom's drinking problem and started drinking myself. I'm just glad I'm there now. Better late than never.

HolyQow

I used to avoid confronting anyone, couldn't even look someone in the eyes....but now....I would be apt to speak up and say directly to her, please don't send me any more notes, it reminds be of my mother. I would also save that note, and read it again in about six months.....after some clarity, different way of thinking, it might mean something totally different. It will also show you how far you have come...

And also remember, the "just trying to help" is what most of us do, and the "I told you so" is a direct quote from MY mother .... I know she started it, I swear! lol

Anyways, if it makes you uncomfortable, say so.

StandingStrong

Granted, I could be wrong. But the first thing I thought of when I read your post is that this woman may not be too far into her recovery (regardless of how long she's been attending the meetings).

Giving you her unwanted opinion/advice privately was my first clue. Why does she need to be private about it on paper instead of words?
Secondly, who is she to give you her take of your share? That doesn't seem supportive in how she did it - but then again, that may not be her take on the situation.
Also - the words "controlling" and "fixer" came to mind. She hasn't learned yet that it's YOUR business and not hers. Perhaps feeling the need to "fix" and or "control" you.

Hey, I could be all wrong. I guess I just see it that you're further along than she is. What she thinks isn't important here (even if she thinks it is). What is important is that you know how you feel and you recognize the similarities in her and your mother. YOU are on the road to recovery. Don't let people like her ruin it for you. She's so not worth it.

Let it go - it's her problem. Not yours.

GlassPrisoner

Sounds like she was just trying to be helpful, and not disrupt the meeting to boot.

What if She's an old timer ? It could have been good advice.

appleblaster

Take what you want and leave the rest....that's one of the basic fundamentals of Al-Anon.
Keep it simple....
If her notes bother you, tell her.
If you have a problem saying it in words, then write a nice note of your own and have it ready for her when she hands you one.

denny57

It isn't about HER.

My recovery is about me. If something someone does makes me uncomfortable, I can handle that in the best way for me - I don't worry where the other person is or is not in their recovery. It's about setting my own personal boundaries, whether it is with a person inside or outside the rooms. I don't take another's inventory.

WantsOut

I think it's obnoxious, but I'd let it go. I try to remember that others have things going on in their lives I can't even imagine and who knows what motivates them. Hell, I can hardly figure out why /I/ do what I do ...

mallowcup

I think she was just trying to be supportive and welcoming. She doens't know she triggers these thoughts about your mother.

Grasshopper

Are you overreacting?Its really up to you to make this decision.There is no cross-talk at meetings,from my own understanding of the program.One is there to feel like they can share,openly,without anothers judements,or opinions,unless of course one asks for them.Have a group conscious meeting.No "one" person makes decisions for the group.Although with intentions of,helping,she is out of line.You can make choices to be bothered by this,,or you can get to the root and causes of why,you allow,others and you Mom,to have the power over you to make you feel as you do.I know that i gave folks the power to disturb me.When i got to the root and causes and made changes in my life,i took away their power.Recovery is about me.
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