trouble with in laws-sabatoging recovery
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
trouble with in laws-sabatoging recovery
anyone else have problems with in laws trying to sabatoge alcoholics recovery?
ah's parents abused him BADLY when he was little. also, his family members are heavy drinkers. they have also done some things personally to me that i do not like.
ah is adopted. i did the research to find his family and he was really excited. he wanted me to explain everything to his parents and his mom said i was lying and that it was not true and didn't want to talk to me. so my attitude after that was that i was not going to try and have a relationship with them. i have always tried to be polite and corgeil though.
i kept my mouth shut and would never say anything to them until cornered at a bar by his mom and basically attacked for 45 minutes. i still kept my mouth shut and did not say anything to her there. i told her there was a lot i could say and wanted to say, but this was not the place. we were there to watch ah play in a band.
well, after that ah said that if i would go over and talk to his parents he would go to treatment. so, i went over and as tactfully has i could i told them how i felt and confronted them with the abuse. of course, they took no responsibility for any of it -it was ah's fault because he was such a "difficult" child.
well, now ah's mother tells him that i am a liar. she said that years ago when we were all going to a non alcoholic minnonite place for a play they wanted to drink before the play at their house. well, i said that if they were going to drink my family would not come over before the play. i was concerned at the time about stepdad who is a recovered alcoholic and of course ah. she said that i lied and was trying to manipulate and control him.
the only reason for her to say something like that to him would be to upset him because she wants him sick.
this is not the first time they have tried to sabatoge ah's recovery. he was sober two months once before and we went to the campground and behind my back his dad told ah to take a sip of his crown royal. well,needless to say, ah was not sober after that until now. his dad purposely talks about alcohol all the time in front of him and asks ah to get his drinks. all this after knowing full well that ah has a problem.
but, of course, they are the good guys and i am the enemy. nothing that they do is wrong and it is all my fault. ah never defends me with them.
ah put a picture of them up on the entertainment center and i can't stand to look at it. literally, looking at the picture and knowing how they beat and abused him. it literally makes me sick to my stomach. iget nauseous. i asked ah to put the picture someplace else and he won't.
i usually try to keep my mouth shut and try to not say anything about them, but since after our first talk in which i confronted them and told them how i feel, his mom has called me a liar i feel the need to defend myself and confront here.
any advice? thanks
ah's parents abused him BADLY when he was little. also, his family members are heavy drinkers. they have also done some things personally to me that i do not like.
ah is adopted. i did the research to find his family and he was really excited. he wanted me to explain everything to his parents and his mom said i was lying and that it was not true and didn't want to talk to me. so my attitude after that was that i was not going to try and have a relationship with them. i have always tried to be polite and corgeil though.
i kept my mouth shut and would never say anything to them until cornered at a bar by his mom and basically attacked for 45 minutes. i still kept my mouth shut and did not say anything to her there. i told her there was a lot i could say and wanted to say, but this was not the place. we were there to watch ah play in a band.
well, after that ah said that if i would go over and talk to his parents he would go to treatment. so, i went over and as tactfully has i could i told them how i felt and confronted them with the abuse. of course, they took no responsibility for any of it -it was ah's fault because he was such a "difficult" child.
well, now ah's mother tells him that i am a liar. she said that years ago when we were all going to a non alcoholic minnonite place for a play they wanted to drink before the play at their house. well, i said that if they were going to drink my family would not come over before the play. i was concerned at the time about stepdad who is a recovered alcoholic and of course ah. she said that i lied and was trying to manipulate and control him.
the only reason for her to say something like that to him would be to upset him because she wants him sick.
this is not the first time they have tried to sabatoge ah's recovery. he was sober two months once before and we went to the campground and behind my back his dad told ah to take a sip of his crown royal. well,needless to say, ah was not sober after that until now. his dad purposely talks about alcohol all the time in front of him and asks ah to get his drinks. all this after knowing full well that ah has a problem.
but, of course, they are the good guys and i am the enemy. nothing that they do is wrong and it is all my fault. ah never defends me with them.
ah put a picture of them up on the entertainment center and i can't stand to look at it. literally, looking at the picture and knowing how they beat and abused him. it literally makes me sick to my stomach. iget nauseous. i asked ah to put the picture someplace else and he won't.
i usually try to keep my mouth shut and try to not say anything about them, but since after our first talk in which i confronted them and told them how i feel, his mom has called me a liar i feel the need to defend myself and confront here.
any advice? thanks
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Murrieta, Ca
Posts: 2,683
Your thinking reminds me of, well, ME ! Just like any good alkie. 
My sponsor pointed some things to me that might be relevant to you.
One, I don't know what motivates me. Who am I to assume what motivates others ?
Two, people do what they do because they do what they do. Maybe his Dad just talks about alcohol a lot ? Maybe he's insensitive, and doesn't realize talking about booze (or drinking) around your husband is a bad thing ?
Anyway, advise your hubby to get help. Get some help yourself (Al-anon) and forget about the in-laws for now.
My 2c.
My sponsor pointed some things to me that might be relevant to you.
One, I don't know what motivates me. Who am I to assume what motivates others ?
Two, people do what they do because they do what they do. Maybe his Dad just talks about alcohol a lot ? Maybe he's insensitive, and doesn't realize talking about booze (or drinking) around your husband is a bad thing ?
Anyway, advise your hubby to get help. Get some help yourself (Al-anon) and forget about the in-laws for now.
My 2c.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: The South
Posts: 75
Yes, there are people out there who try to ruin and sabotage good things in other people. My husband's parents are like this. Why do people behave in this way? I have no idea, I only know that they do. I can't even tell you all that they have done. I would literally be here all night, tomorrow, the next day, maybe a whole week. It's ridiculous. I have never mentioned anything to them about my husband's drinking problem because it would be completely useless. His father is a raging alcoholic and I can't even tell you what his mother is. If they knew about their son's problem it would be good material for them to twist and manipulate into God knows what. And it would surely be my fault. Thankfully, my Christopher knows how toxic they are and they are kept out of our life. We now live 3000 miles away from so it's relatively easy.
I can't really give you any advice, but I can sympathasize with your predicament. The only person who can do anything about your husband's alcoholism is your husband. He's also the only one who can make the decision to remove his parents from his life. I'm wishing you luck.
I can't really give you any advice, but I can sympathasize with your predicament. The only person who can do anything about your husband's alcoholism is your husband. He's also the only one who can make the decision to remove his parents from his life. I'm wishing you luck.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
The thing that leaped out at me is that your husband manipulated or rather bargained with you....
That really was 'his' responsibility to handle talking to his parents about how 'he' felt about the prior abuse, not yours. Although I can certainly understand your motivation for wanting to talk to them, after all, he promised he would go into treatment if you did. I'm sure we've all done things when the A promises to go for treatment.
And by you agreeing to speak with them, it landed you in the middle of a losing battle of denial and blame. Now in addition to your H, your inlaws have someone else to blame for 'their' behavior....'you'!! Unfortunately, that's just the way it seems to go in situations like this.
After many hard bumps in the road, I've had to learn to recognize, what is 'mine' to deal with, and what is 'someone elses' business to deal with. Very difficult to sort through all the fine lines at first, but it is doable!
If you allow yourself to be put in the middle of them, you will always lose. Maybe take small steps to let him deal with his parents. And it might be a good idea to steer clear of them for awhile.
I've been in the position when my exab didn't defend me to certain people and that always threw me for a loop. I couldn't understand why. Now I realize it was a way to keep his alcohol, and his alcholic 'buddies' closer, and to make me look like the crazy one. I can happily report that that is no longer the case.....since I ended the relationship that is!
Originally Posted by hopeangel 
....ah said that if i would go over and talk to his parents he would go to treatment.
And by you agreeing to speak with them, it landed you in the middle of a losing battle of denial and blame. Now in addition to your H, your inlaws have someone else to blame for 'their' behavior....'you'!! Unfortunately, that's just the way it seems to go in situations like this.
After many hard bumps in the road, I've had to learn to recognize, what is 'mine' to deal with, and what is 'someone elses' business to deal with. Very difficult to sort through all the fine lines at first, but it is doable!
If you allow yourself to be put in the middle of them, you will always lose. Maybe take small steps to let him deal with his parents. And it might be a good idea to steer clear of them for awhile.
I've been in the position when my exab didn't defend me to certain people and that always threw me for a loop. I couldn't understand why. Now I realize it was a way to keep his alcohol, and his alcholic 'buddies' closer, and to make me look like the crazy one. I can happily report that that is no longer the case.....since I ended the relationship that is!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
Alcoholism is often called----the family disease---.Everyone plays their own part.
The past happened,and can't be changed.
Recovery teaches forgiveness,for all,and to learn a new way to live,letting go of past haunts and hurts.Holding onto something that cant ,ever changed,keeps one, living in the past,and stuck.Its a choice to let go,and do whatever it takes for ones --recovery---no matter what others do or dont do.Its about my recovery.And cleaning my part,up.
The past happened,and can't be changed.
Recovery teaches forgiveness,for all,and to learn a new way to live,letting go of past haunts and hurts.Holding onto something that cant ,ever changed,keeps one, living in the past,and stuck.Its a choice to let go,and do whatever it takes for ones --recovery---no matter what others do or dont do.Its about my recovery.And cleaning my part,up.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
It isn't just inlaws. I have found that it is any alcoholic that is still drinking that will sabotage as best they can our recovery.
Some think they are being a nice host or hostess and will push a drink no matter how many times you say no. Some will encourage you as a "friend?" to go out and have just one with them but family that does so, we tend to take it more personal.
It isn't personal, it is the denial in all active alcoholics.
You can't have a problem because if you do, that means I do.
Try removing the fact that they are family from things and look at it in that light. You may find it easier to understand and deal with that way. May also help you in setting boundries.
Some think they are being a nice host or hostess and will push a drink no matter how many times you say no. Some will encourage you as a "friend?" to go out and have just one with them but family that does so, we tend to take it more personal.
It isn't personal, it is the denial in all active alcoholics.
You can't have a problem because if you do, that means I do.
Try removing the fact that they are family from things and look at it in that light. You may find it easier to understand and deal with that way. May also help you in setting boundries.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
This very problem is what really motivated me to detach. My Mother in law has truck loads of money, truck loads of advice, a finger that wags in MY face, and she dangles bait that has no effect on me. I don't need or want her money. I make my own. She has been exremely transparent. I stopped talking to her about alcohol. Then I pretty much stopped talking to her all together. It would be great to have the in laws loving ear. I don't have that. My mother in law is a knit wit. She inherited her money which requires no talent or brains. Being a beneficiary requires nothing. Since money is what she has, it is money she attempts to use as a measure for everything. My mother in law never made more than $6/hr. That doesn't matter except she presents herself as some sort of financial wizard proving her way is the right way. She bails her boys out. That's what GOOD wives/mothers do. Whatever it takes to keep her sons drinking off the front page. I gave up on her. I have filled those spaces with some wonderful other relationships. I have some very good friends. People just like me. It doesn't take long to realize who is willing to "get with the program", and who isn't. Be true to yourself and it will thin out the crowd. That applies to friends, family and issues that have nothing to do with alcohol. If someone doesn't think enough of you to listen and respect the gravity of your words, get them out of your life.
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
When hubby went into rehab, I was accused of being a lousy wife for "Making" him stop doing the thing he enjoyed the most and when he got out and we visited his side, and my side of the family, they all tried pushing booze in his face.
The key word on their part is denial. It makes them look at themselves and the picture they see isn't pretty.
The key word on their part is denial. It makes them look at themselves and the picture they see isn't pretty.
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