okgirl

I'm still trying to understand how my life could change so fast. Maybe it didn't change but the reality of what I have been living with has come to full light. My AH is still out drinking and spending money that he does not have. He just dumped two bills that he had been paying back on to me so he will have a more money to support his habit. And of course he still denies that he has a drinking problem. He makes his truck payment, buys gas, and alcohol. He always manages to have someone else take care of food and rent and all the other little things that it takes to live. It sure is hard to understand the disease concept of this thing when he is such a big jerk. Sometimes I feel like the bigger jerk because I just listen when he blames me for his actions. I just feel like it is useless to confort him about anything. He wants everyone in the family to be understanding of his current state of "confusion". I want to be able detach from his situation but it is so hard. I think I will be an "enabler" for the rest of my life.

Cynay

Im sorry your hurting, I wish things were different for you hon. You dont have to be an enabler for the rest of your life.... The hardest part is admitting that we are enablers, to come out of the denial and be able to see our lives for what they are.

Once that is done we can make choices to change our lives. It takes me theraphy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings and alot of reading to slowly make the changes in myself and my life. Today Is so much better then it was 2 years ago, I can look back and see how far I have come... Not that Im even close to making my life what I want it to be..... but everyday I get closer to that.

You can tooo... when your ready.

okgirl

It is so hard to stop doing things that I have done for so long. I have done a very good job of pretending that my life was ok. I have gone to a couple of Al-anon meetings and have also been reading alot. I've been reading mostly about the effects of alcohol and trying to understand him. Maybe I should read something about "enabling". Do you have any suggestions?

embraced2000

welcome okgirl.....everyone here on this forum is here for the same reason....we have lived with, lived in, or lived through the effects of alcoholism. you will find that everyone here can understand like no others can.

my xh was the alcoholic in my life....i married him two times...can you believe that???

just keep reading and posting and sharing....you have found a wonderful place with many supportive people who will share their experiences, strength, and hope with you.

love to you
jeri

embraced2000

have you read the stickies at the top of the forum page??? it's a good place to start.

Cynay

Co-Dependencey no more comes to mind. If you want I have an extra copy I can mail you. If you would like it PM me where to send it.

There is a list at the time of the form.... excellent list of books.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...c-reading.html

HolyQow

He keeps doing it, because he knows that you will do nothing.

While it is frustrating, I don't think that money is really the issue. I am sure he comes up with plenty of things that you spend money on that he thinks is unnecessary too......some true, and some an exaggeration in his mind, and excuses that he should be allowed his "stuff". Really that's all it is, to justify his spending money on alcohol. My AH was famous for spending money that we didn't have when he was mad (and well lit) on things that I thought were ridiculous (sword collection, $100 baseball bat, video camera....to name a few).... and it seemed he would pick these fights on purpose, knowing I would go into my best raging idiot phase, and he felt he was "owed" these things since I was the one acting like a nutcase.

I think it is time to set up a plan (boundary)....and what to do if that plan fails....

mallowcup

I think part of becoming detached more successfully is to literally pick yourself up and get out of earshot of it. That can mean going to sit out int he back yard, taking a walk, going to a different part of the house or taking a drive. You can feel the onset coming and that's the time to exit.

LizzyP

Hi, okgirl, and welcome!

I thought the same thing about myself, too, but I am changing through the help of Al-Anon especially. I want to let you know that there is hope for each of us. The Serenity prayer also helped me quite a bit, praying to God to grant me the courage to change the things I can. I prayed for the courage to no longer enable. While this is still part of my nature, I have tools available now to help me along the way so that I can change my behavior and not respond the same way I always have.

If your not willing to pay these two bills, you can tell him you are not willing to pay on these. That is an option for you.