Raynbow

Hi All - I'm feeling pretty down right now. My AS has been calling a lately, well a week went by with nothing at all then the phone started ringing again. I've been avoidning answering because I just know she's been drinking, turns out I am right every time, I can hear it clear as day in her voice on the vm.
I've emailed her each morning to say Hi, but she hasn't emailed back. Just calls again the next night.
I feel like I should talk to her, but I just can't. It is too hard when she's been drinking. It hurts me to think about what she is doing. To hear her crying on the phone, to wonder if she is even telling me the truth.
But on the other hand, by not talking to her I feel like I am abandoning her. Is this really detachment? Why do I feel so bad about it? Like I am ignoring everything?

embraced2000

hi raynbow

it's great that you are emailing her....you are doing your part for letting her know you care and that you are thinking of her.

if her phone calls to you are disturbing, which i can see why they would be....it hurts to hear them like that....and besides, you would not be talking to her, you would be talking to the alcohol and all the nonsense it produces....anyway, if the calls are disturbing, you don't even have to listen to the vm. just erase them....after all, it is not her....it's just the booze talking.

one other suggestion is to call her early in the morning when you think she may be sober. later, you can take it a step further and set your boundries with her...such as reafirmming you love her, however you will not be accepting her late night phone calls.

you are not ignoring things....you are trying to take care of yourself...and there is nothing wrong with that.

love to you
jeri

FormerDoormat

Here's how I handle it when my boyfriend calls. If he's drunk when I pick up the phone, I say hello and quickly end the call (say I'm off to bed so good-night or I'm in the middle of something--call you back, etc.). If he's sober, then we have a nice conversation.

That's my way of conveying that I enjoying talking to my sober man, but not a drunk.

Raynbow

I don't know if I could do that right now. I am so so so worried about her that I don't think I would be able to just say good-night. Maybe someday in the future though when I am stronger.
The thing is that in the past she has had suicidal thoughts. And I worry about what she may do when she is drinking. She has said before that she hates living her life, dealing with alcoholism.
So, I feel like, if I tell her that I don't want to talk to her when she is drunk, she will just stop calling alltogether. And in some weird twisted way I still want her to call and leave the voicemails, because then at least I know that she is ok enough to call and leave messages. And from the message I can tell if she is just drunk of really distraught enough to hurt herself.
But maybe it is all just her manipulating me? But maybe she is just reaching out too?
I don't know!!

Raynbow

Thank you Jeri for saying that it is ok to take care of myself...to not answer... I really really needed to hear that.

FormerDoormat

Raynbow, have you tried Alanon? I think it would be very helpful to you.

Raynbow

I have been a couple of times, but I've been out of town for awhile now. You are right, I should go again.

embraced2000

raynbow....the actions your sister are showing very common for the active alcoholic....the suicide talk, the phone calls, the emotional terrorism to loved ones...(that is what i call it, anyway).

my x held me in an emotional hostage situation for years, until i had to save myself from his addiction.

i started going to al-anon and eventually their program settled into my brain.

have you considered al-anon meetings?

BigGirlPanties

getting sucked into the alcoholic "Im gonna kill myself" toture chamber is not an option for me today. I value myself wayyyyy to much to allow another to commit emotional terroism on me.

Al-anon gave me that perspective.

parentrecovers

to me, detachment with love means not setting expectations and showing respect - for myself and the alcoholic. blessings, k

newenglandgirl

Hi Raynbow. I can totally relate. I'm going through a similar situation with my AH. The sadness I feel when I think of him all alone drinking and crying is unbelievably heart-wrenching. I can't detach. I am suffering terribly knowing that he is all alone suffering. But I can't be with him when he's drinking because I know that is not good for me. I don't know how to detach yet.

Raynbow

I guess I don't feel like I am respecting her, us, our relationship. I feel...guilty. I can't get the feeling to go away. Maybe I dont' really understand detachment.