At a loss...
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Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
At a loss...
I haven't kept no contact. My exabf has called a couple of times and I went to see him. Of course, nothing's changed and the visit was basically just for the physical needs. I was ok about it, until I just decided one time to surprise him and went over there. He let me in the house, never said a word and proceeded to go about doing stuff around the house, cleaning, laundry, etc. I tried to give him a hug and was told he was busy and didn't like surprises. He turned his back to me and just ignored me. I turned around and left without saying a word. I was angry, hurt, felt like I always dropped everything I was doing when he called and he couldn't give me the time of day. I know...actions speak louder then words.
I'm at a loss because he hasn't called me since then, won't return my calls, and I feel really bad about just showing up over there without calling. I left one last message that I wanted to talk to him and if he was just blowing me off, then I guess I'd figure that out. During the day I'm fine because I'm busy at work. It's the evenings that are getting to me. I just want to hear from him even if he's mad at me. I want to explain how I was feeling about that day. The silent treatment is making me feel worse. I know he's thinking he'll stall because I've called more than once. So now I guess it's just a waiting game. He's stubborn and trying to prove a point to me because he's told me about calling him and leaving more than 1 message. I can't seem to let this one go. I almost just want him to call and be angry about it. At least then it's over and done with. I feel this termendous weight on my shoulder and just want to apologize to him and let go of the guilt. I regret even going over there in the first place. Although, maybe this was the last brick I needed to fall on my head as my mother told me. Emotionally, I'm all over the place...again. I don't want to detach. I'm setting myself up to prevent it. I'm still trying to control things I can't because I don't want to give up hope. I don't want to move on and move forward. I'm at a loss.
I'm at a loss because he hasn't called me since then, won't return my calls, and I feel really bad about just showing up over there without calling. I left one last message that I wanted to talk to him and if he was just blowing me off, then I guess I'd figure that out. During the day I'm fine because I'm busy at work. It's the evenings that are getting to me. I just want to hear from him even if he's mad at me. I want to explain how I was feeling about that day. The silent treatment is making me feel worse. I know he's thinking he'll stall because I've called more than once. So now I guess it's just a waiting game. He's stubborn and trying to prove a point to me because he's told me about calling him and leaving more than 1 message. I can't seem to let this one go. I almost just want him to call and be angry about it. At least then it's over and done with. I feel this termendous weight on my shoulder and just want to apologize to him and let go of the guilt. I regret even going over there in the first place. Although, maybe this was the last brick I needed to fall on my head as my mother told me. Emotionally, I'm all over the place...again. I don't want to detach. I'm setting myself up to prevent it. I'm still trying to control things I can't because I don't want to give up hope. I don't want to move on and move forward. I'm at a loss.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Is he worth all this worry? Why apologize when you did nothing wrong? Why place a phone call when it will likely hurt you more in the end and he obviously doesn't want to talk to you at the moment. It's probably all about him anyway (perhaps he wasn't alone when you arrived) and has nothing to do with you.
But alas, we codies seem to think everything is about us when it usually isn't. It's all about THEM. Your head is spinning and you're making yourself crazy. So just STOP IT!
But alas, we codies seem to think everything is about us when it usually isn't. It's all about THEM. Your head is spinning and you're making yourself crazy. So just STOP IT!
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
oh hon, i am capable of this same kind of stuff....when x makes contact with me, i bout spin off the face of the earth with so much confusion and upset it just is plain crazy.
and before then, i was making the contacts and doing the same thing...just getting crazier by the minute.
the no contact is the way to go with me....
you can take your power back. all you have to do.....is do it.
love to you
jeri
and before then, i was making the contacts and doing the same thing...just getting crazier by the minute.
the no contact is the way to go with me....
you can take your power back. all you have to do.....is do it.
love to you
jeri
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
What you expect from him; what you want from him - he doesn't want to give. You want to explain your feelings about the day in question. Why? He isn't interested in hearing about your feelings. He has made it quite obvious he doesn't care about your feelings. I'm sure you want closure in a way that would allow you to let go, but discussing feelings and trying to work things out in a sane, rational way with an A is like expecting a pig to fly.
I can understand your anger at his ignoring you when you went over to his place, but you went uninvited. The anger you feel might be towards yourself. After all, you stepped into that pile all by yourself with no assistance from him.
By the way, he called several times and you went over and the visit was about "physical needs." It's known as "booty call." And it's also nothing more than allowing yourself to be used. You know the man and I don't, but I'd venture to guess that your unanswered calls are less about his being stubborn and more about the entire relationship - "physical needs" and all - being over. He certainly didn't bow out like a gentleman, but A's aren't known for their considerate social skills.
You don't need to detach if you don't want to. You have every right to continue to attempt to exercise control. You will also end up driving yourself nuts, because I assure you he isn't the least bit perturbed about whether you attach, detach, leave, stay, or go. He's going to continue drinking and zoning out into laa-laa land. You, on the other hand, by refusing to let go will end up making yourself crazy and hurting yourself. However, you have every right to hang on to whatever you feel a need to hang onto.
I can understand your anger at his ignoring you when you went over to his place, but you went uninvited. The anger you feel might be towards yourself. After all, you stepped into that pile all by yourself with no assistance from him.
By the way, he called several times and you went over and the visit was about "physical needs." It's known as "booty call." And it's also nothing more than allowing yourself to be used. You know the man and I don't, but I'd venture to guess that your unanswered calls are less about his being stubborn and more about the entire relationship - "physical needs" and all - being over. He certainly didn't bow out like a gentleman, but A's aren't known for their considerate social skills.
You don't need to detach if you don't want to. You have every right to continue to attempt to exercise control. You will also end up driving yourself nuts, because I assure you he isn't the least bit perturbed about whether you attach, detach, leave, stay, or go. He's going to continue drinking and zoning out into laa-laa land. You, on the other hand, by refusing to let go will end up making yourself crazy and hurting yourself. However, you have every right to hang on to whatever you feel a need to hang onto.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: The South
Posts: 75
Originally Posted by aztchr 
My exabf has called a couple of times and I went to see him.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
It took a very long time, but I finally decided I was worth more - more than the crumbs AH was dishing out and worth more than the rock bottom opinion I held of myself. I hope you have that breakthrough, too. I wish I could say there was a set process to it, but it truly was my own moment of clarity.
Take care.
Take care.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: phoenix arizona
Posts: 741
No, it's not worth the emotional stress. It's just frustrating because my whole life has changed with the move and I've had to make sacrifices that I wouldn't have had to make. I feel like I've taken a real setback now. Yes, it's temporary, I know. Doesn't make it any easier.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
Originally Posted by aztchr
I almost just want him to call and be angry about it.
I feel this termendous weight on my shoulder and just want to apologize to him and let go of the guilt.
aztchr, I'm sorry, I really feel for you and feel angry on your behalf. I can't tell anyone what to do, but I'd suggest not calling him anymore and try to let go of your unearned (IMO) guilt and your need to apologize. Put what happened here in perspective and put some responsibility for the situation on him. He acted like an ass and I think that might be what you're afraid to really accept. Things start to get harder and harder to justify, that's when our denial starts cracking-- and that hurts like hell.
I don't know your whole story or anything about your move but D&B is right- he's your ex for a reason. Try to start looking forward.
(hugs) I hope you feel better soon.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: NC
Posts: 240
azthar,
The first time AH broke up with me I thought how dare you break up with me?? I virtually put him through school by letting him stay with me so he had very little living expenses. I (we) did the booty call thing all the time. At least weekly and in my sick mind I was controlling him with it.
Well we eventually got married and I used to think a lot abot those days and putting things into perspective I thought how could I have let that happen?? I would look at him sometimes and think he wasn't worth what I did. I resented him for my choices in the past. I was sick and so was he. This time he is 650 miles away (no booty call happening) but I believe if we were in the same state that it would have happened over the past 2 1/2 months we've been apart. We never had a problem in that area until a month before he left. I just didn't want to be around him much less be intimate with him. The intamacy was gone on my part. I feel like I degraded my self and for what to fullfill his desires. I never thought about me only about him and what he wanted and would feel guility if I wasn't doing that. I can't BELIEVE I married him!! He would do the same things like ignore my calls or treat me like I didn't exist until he wanted something. I was right there ready and willing to fulfill his needs. While married my resentments took on a life of their own and I was so angry inside for my choices and angry at him but for what?? I was my choice, I had the abilty to say no but I didn't know that at the time. Now I do. Let go of the guilt, I think guilt was what kept me in this vicious circle. Not to mention I'm an Irish Catholic girl and if U know anything about that, that is a religion that instills guilt into you IMHO. Same thing happend to my best friend. We attend the same catholic grade school and all girls catholic high school. Always feeling guilty of putting ourselves above others. If you're not ready to let go just remember the road is bumpy and full of drama. I'm still not at total peace with our separation and upcoming divorce. I'm working on it every day though and it does get better and easier, it really does.
The first time AH broke up with me I thought how dare you break up with me?? I virtually put him through school by letting him stay with me so he had very little living expenses. I (we) did the booty call thing all the time. At least weekly and in my sick mind I was controlling him with it.
Well we eventually got married and I used to think a lot abot those days and putting things into perspective I thought how could I have let that happen?? I would look at him sometimes and think he wasn't worth what I did. I resented him for my choices in the past. I was sick and so was he. This time he is 650 miles away (no booty call happening) but I believe if we were in the same state that it would have happened over the past 2 1/2 months we've been apart. We never had a problem in that area until a month before he left. I just didn't want to be around him much less be intimate with him. The intamacy was gone on my part. I feel like I degraded my self and for what to fullfill his desires. I never thought about me only about him and what he wanted and would feel guility if I wasn't doing that. I can't BELIEVE I married him!! He would do the same things like ignore my calls or treat me like I didn't exist until he wanted something. I was right there ready and willing to fulfill his needs. While married my resentments took on a life of their own and I was so angry inside for my choices and angry at him but for what?? I was my choice, I had the abilty to say no but I didn't know that at the time. Now I do. Let go of the guilt, I think guilt was what kept me in this vicious circle. Not to mention I'm an Irish Catholic girl and if U know anything about that, that is a religion that instills guilt into you IMHO. Same thing happend to my best friend. We attend the same catholic grade school and all girls catholic high school. Always feeling guilty of putting ourselves above others. If you're not ready to let go just remember the road is bumpy and full of drama. I'm still not at total peace with our separation and upcoming divorce. I'm working on it every day though and it does get better and easier, it really does.
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