queenteree

the word selfish is usually first in describing most alcoholics

Key word: MOST

I truly don't think my husband is selfish. He does more for me and especially the kids than most fathers I know (my kids have said the same thing). And we all know how much he does love us and we love him to death. He can be a pain sometimes, but can't we all. Nobody's perfect.

LaTeeDa

We all do make mistakes as parents. My parents made them as well. My dad was an alcoholic and compulsive gambler who died as a result of his lifestyle when I was 12. I married an alcoholic and have been married for 18 years. I have a very successful career. I also have a lot of emotional baggage from my childhood that my mother pretends doesn't exist. If I had it to do over again, would I change how my children were raised? I think I would. I don't want them to repeat the same painful pattern that has been passed down for generations. If I had known then what I know now, I would have separated from their father sooner and not put them through so much..........

L

Ronron

It is so emotionally and physically draining to raise a child. I have three boys and can say unequivocally that even though my situation was probably one of the easier ones, it was still so hard. My boys have two loving parents with no real chemical issues (our current issue just moved in over the summer). Still, it was so hard when they were little. My belief is that raising children requires so much of you. And when they are very small, you have to do it going on sleep deprivation of ridiculous proportions. The stress is unreal. I don't mean that kids are bad, they are not. For us, the stress was far outweighed by the joy each of the three of them have brought to our lives. However, neither of us were battling addiction. I am not sure I could have been an effective mother if I were also dealing with an alcoholic spouse. That's not to say that you should give up your dream. I think, though, that you should give your AH a little more time to stay clean. If what I have read in all these posts is true, it takes nearly a year of sobriety before the alcoholic begins to function normally. Sometimes, after that time, it becomes apparent that normal for the alcoholic is still not normal for the rest of the world.

You didn't say in your post what type of child you are considering adopting. Are you looking for an infant? Would you consider a child who has been in the social services system? Either brings its own share of issues that an alcoholic father would possibly make worse. Unfortunately, in either instance, a thorough home study has to be done and your husband's alcoholism will probably be revealed. I would think that it would go further to be able to say he's been sober for over a year than to say he's been sober for 25 days. I know time is not something you feel that you have at the moment, but I strongly encourage you to wait a while.

Please, take my comments with the kindness that is intended. I, too, have friends who have struggled with infertility. It is a dreadful and disheartening thing. I hope you can find peace in your decision, whatever it may be.

Roni

FormerDoormat

Don't know about the rest of you, but I believe it would be morally wrong to lie on the application and probably legally wrong as well. In fact, if the truth were to come out, it may well render the adoption invalid. The questions asked are asked for a reason. They are asked because the adoption agency has the best interest of the CHILD in mind.

Folks, we are talking about a child here--one who can't make choices for itself. It can't defend itself from folks who have violent or harmful addictive tendencies. It depends on others to take care of it and offer it a safe haven.

Bringing a child into a home where there has been abuse and violence and knowingly lying on the application would not only be a travesty and an injustice to the child, it would be morally wrong.

Do the right thing. Tell the truth and then let the experts who place children decide whether your home, as it stands now, is a suitable place for a child.

wolflvr

I am going to share my story with you. I am 33 and 9 months pregnant..due in 12 days. My AH and I have been married almost 8 years. 4 years ago he almost died from drinking (pancreas, liver & WD's) That day I quit drinking and havent drank since. He on the other hand stops, then starts then stops again. We had tried to have a child for many years during his "sober" time to no avail. We resorted to fertility treatments and now I will be having the baby I never thought was possible. Problem is I, like you, thought my AH would now have a reason to be sober and be the husband he has the potential to be and has been in the past. He started drinking again, got a dui on 12/26 and decided not to come home last night so he could party with the boys. Now its 4pm and he was supposed to be home around 2pm and he isnt here. His cell phone died from not being charged last night when he was too busy partying than being a supportive husband so if I go into labor now I cannot even contact him. He is at work..he says. He claims when the baby comes he will be a great dad, not drink..blah blah blah. Well, last night when I was having contractions and he finally answered his phone I told him what was going on and today may be the day. He said he would call me right back. Needless to say he came home at 9am to change and go to work. This is NOT the man I thought was fathering my child. I thought things would be completely different and we would have this happy family. Now he will be going to jail, we have no money and Ill be raising my daughter on my own for a while. I have told him I will NOT raise our daughter together if he is drinking. She does not deserve a drunk for a dad nor do I deserve one for a husband. It saddens me so much that we went through so much to get her yet his addiction still leads him to do things that a good father wouldnt. Im not saying that you shouldnt have a baby. Your husband is in recovery and trying which is awesome. All I want you to get out of this is that just because you get pregnant doesnt mean he will become the man you want him to be. I am forever grateful to the good Lord for the blessing He has bestowed upon me and know with or without him my daughter will be loved more than she can ever imagine. I will do anything to ensure she has a wonderful upbringing even if that means leaving him. I would seriously think about if you would be willing to leave him and raise your child on your own should he go back to his old ways. I wish you the best and pray that you too will get your miracle!!

greeteachday

Hopeangel, I can see that this is a very emotionally charged issue for many people here, and understandably so. I think there is a lot of good information and experience shared here, it's great how we can help each other in this way.

As I read this thread and the responses, I tried to then take out the issue of whether to have a child or not. When I did that, I was left with the question should you encourage your husband to lie to his doctor and if you do apply for adoption, should you lie on the application.

You have indicated you have some concerns about your husband's health and the effect alcohol may have had on his bilirubin count. I'm not a doctor and I don't know the consequences of elevated counts, but it seems like it wouldn't be in his best interest to lie.

As to the adoption application, I agree with FD...I have never found a positive result from lies (other than social lies like yes I love your new haristyle ) I also believe that the questions are there for a valid reason. I do understand that you want children, I certainly relate...I love children; wish I had been blessed with more. When I find issues that I am uncertain about and I truly don't know what the right thing to do is, I try to stand back, wait and ask my HP to help me to find wisdom and clarity.

I hope that your husband continues to progress in his recovery and that you too find peace and healing.

gelfling

I've read quite a few responses and see a lot of wisdom here. However, We can never have enough love and protection for a child living in an alcoholic home. I considered myself an awesome Mom when kiddo was younger and dad was boozing. Even after I thougth I had a handle on it.

Kids...they are sponges. Genetically, perhaps unknown to you, the child may have a predisposition to the disease. Not trying to throw a bucket of water on everything, but I know a couple that adopted a baby to discover as he grew older that he had a bushel of psychological problems. Then take into consideration the possibility that your hubby will lapse. Think of the arguments you've had with him and how it affected you. It will do the same thing to the child.

Like us, we absorb the worse that's around us unless we're totally surrounded by heavenly angels and that's the only envionment we've been exposed to.

If you do try to adopt, please be totally honest on the application. You don't want to be all p*ssed off at hubby if things aren't going right and you have regrets for bring an innocent life into your home.

Then anticipate down the road if there are problems with hubby...make alatot, alateen and alanon a part of the child's life and yours.

Pretty obvious I am a fighter for the kids. Make up my errors in the past. My son is 26 and has 2 years sobriety. I sit back and watch a niece and her husband destroy their kids lives because of alcohol and discovered this past weekend a nephew is having problems with alcohol and I'm watching the kids spiraling out of control.

Think long and hard about this.

Blessings, Kathy

dollydo

I am the daughter of an alcoholic, actually two, one who finally quit drinking 10 years ago. The other is still drinking, she has been drinking for 60 years.

For my part, I would never consider bringing a child into a home of an alcoholic,addict and/or abuser.

To me, that is irresponsible and self-serving.

Being a child is difficult enough without subjecting them to the chaos of having an alcoholic parent.

The scars of this enviorment will affect them throughout their life.

Just thinking that you might lie on the application for adoption about his alcoholism and knowing that he is physically and verbally abusive sickens me.

Dolly

Cynay

I first put this in Alcoholism.... but Im going to put it over here too:

Hope.... I have been avoiding this thread, mostly because it triggers me. I can understand your need/hope for children in your life..... but let me introduce myself to you.

Hi, my name is Cynay,

I am the adult child of an Alcoholic Mother who had rage issues. I am the middle child of 3 … an older brother and a younger sister. Today I am 42 years old and have been in some type of recovery off and on since I was 12…. My brother took me to an Al-teen meeting, when my mother found out I got one of the worst beatings of my life… I did not begin to work on my recovery again after that till my early 20s.

As a child my life was spent walking on eggshells. I lived in constant fear of the next big fight or if the school counselor was going to buy into my lies on how yet again I got those bruises. Mostly I was afraid of the next time my Mother got so drunk that that my world would fall apart again. The routine was something like this…. My Mother would come hope drunk and the fight between my parents would start. When it got bad enough my Brother would get in between my parents to keep them from really hurting each other or to distract them while I called the police and my little sister would run and hide somewhere… usually hysterical. Once the police were called I would help my Brother defuses the situation till the police came… back then they always took the father away so that would leave us with a very angry mother. About this time my brother would walk away, I would go in search of my little sister and sometime within the next 30 minutes my Mother would come find me … angry… and beat the hell out of me.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease…. Domestic Violence is also progressive.

In growing up I learned I was unlovable, not to cry, not to feel, guilt, anger, and how to become the very best co-dependant personality. I’m going to bet that when my parents decided to have me they did not intend for this to happen.

In my late 20s I found a therapist that was finally able to help me, this is after going through about 9 others. That is when I got to relive the hell of my entire childhood so I could learn to parent myself… and I have spent the last 16 years in either therapy, Al-anon, AcoA or some combination of them. Because it was all deeply ingrained in me and alcoholism was a known to me, I married one and had my daughter with him… Now she gets to go to therapy to deal with the issues of being a teenager of an Alcoholic… She is not doing that today but I know she will one day because her mother (me) was just as sick and in denial as her Alcoholic Father was sick. I have spent many many hours crying and feeling guilty because this is what I gave to my daughter…. See you cant know how much it will rip you heart apart till you hold you own child crying in your arms and all you can hear is that same crying voice that you have heard all your life…. Me.

Of course there is much more to my story, but this is long enough. I’m not special or different then millions of other children who are born to an alcoholic parent… actually I’m probably one of the lucky ones… My Brother has serious control issues and my younger sister has fallen into the disease of Alcohol and drug addiction.

This is just my thoughts on Alcoholic parents that have children…. Please take what you want and leave the rest.

FormerDoormat

All I can say, CYNAY, is wow. That is one of the most powerful shares I've ever read on this forum. Many thanks and hugs going out to you.

embraced2000

cynay....thank you for sharing. i am going to ask my sister to read this, for many reasons. i'm so sorry you had the misfortune of having that happen to you....you did not deserve it.

i'm so happy that you have been able to parent yourself and try to heal the innerchild that was wounded so long ago.

many blessings your way
love to you
jeri

gelfling

eggshells...the very word I used many times over and over again while dealing with the alcoholic during his bad times. For myself and my son. SSsshhh...daddy isn't happy; he's sick; he's not himself; he's mad. I've got to make sure I have dinner on the table whenever he decides to walk in the door; etc. And it goes on.

Thanks Cynay...you've helped me see how far I've come. I am blessed.

hopeangel

for really exploring this with me and helping me face some realities of things. i so appreciate it. that is all i can say right now...except thank you...the hard parting-dealing with it all.

i just want to say that NEVER did i say i would lie or keep ah from going to the dr. if fact, i said i knew that is what needed to be done. i just hope people don't judge and cound him/us out without even given a chance. i don't even want to think that we cannot have a family because of this. i don't think it is fair to me. so, either i wait or move on. i am just tired of being stuck and not go forward with my life. also, the adoption process is a long one. it could be a year or more once applied before we would get a child. two years from now i will be 36 going on 40 my life is passing me by

Grasshopper

Hi hopeangel,
i am adopted.My Father and an Uncle [,my uncle,who lived with us} are alcoholics.My Father was[he passed away] the most caring,loving person that i have ever met.He would give you or anyone the shirt of his back,for another.I could not have asked for a better Father,his heart was gold,and ditto to my Mom.They love me,took care of me,gave me food, shelter,,etc,,etc.If not for my parents,i would have been brought up in childrens aid,or many foater homes,and who knows what would have happened to me.Scary thought.
I dont have any regrets.Alcoholism,has taught me alot of,great lessons.It was a struggle,but who hasnt have problems,issues in their lives.There is alway----something---going on in families.A friend of mine has lots of issues that as an adult she is working on.There was no alcoholism in either her father/mother,but they were really strict,parents,where only breathing was acceptable,,more or less,.So one just never knows how things will work out.No guareenties,thats for sure.My suggestion,if i may,is to pray on this matter,asking what God,s Will is.
And i will pray also,with you.

hopeangel

your post almost brought me to tears, because really, my ah is the most giving person too. he would do anything for anyone. he cooks, he cleans, he has taken care of me when i have been really sick. i was in a car accident and it was bad to say the least and i had to have surgery and guess who was right there changing bandages, cleaning vomit when i was throwing up every 10 minutes nonstop for about two days, yep ah. he has come through time and again when he has needed to. my heart tells me he would be a great father (GIVEN THE CHANCE) also, he himself, was adopted.

THANK YOU!!!

denny57

I have never understood this. As badly as I also wanted to raise a child, it would not be for me, it would be for the child. To knowingly bring a child into an alcoholic situtation - I just could not justify it to myself. AH also wanted to adopt, and it was that issue in a lot of ways that brought us to where we are - divorce - because the real issue - alcoholism - finally had to be brought out in the open.

I really feel for you, because I have been there. The decision is a hard one - and a very personal one. For me, I am looking into adoption on my own now, and will probably do it when the divorce is final.

I hope everything goes the way you want it to. Much love.

elizabeth1979

I sure hope you dont get passed over for a married couple that looks spotless on a fradulent application Denny.

hopeangel

i talked to my counselor last night and this is what she said. the people that concern her and should the adoption agency are the ones who are in denial of their issues and take no steps to correct them and do not work on them. THOSE are the people to be afraid off. people who are working on there issues, acknowledge their problems (NO ONE IS PERFECT AND NO ONE IS WITHOUT FAULT) and take steps to correct them and have the strength and knowledge to seek help -she would NEVER have a problem writing a recommendation for and would be more than happy to tell the adoption agency that.

embraced2000

i respectfully disagree with the opinion of your counselor, however, i also respect your decison to make choices.

if you are worried about it all, just say a prayer, fill out the papers honestly, and turn it over to god. his will be done. all will be as it should be, whether we are fiddlin with the outcome or not. jmho.

best of wishes to you

queenteree

Elizabeth1979, you sure seem bitter. If your location is your "happy place", I'd sure hate to see your "sad one". Correct me if I'm wrong, but I always thought when one works on their recovery, they learn to let go of the anger and resentment eventually. It appears to me you are still full of it. That's a shame.