minuet

Why is it some alcoholics or recovering alcoholics are remorseless?

Its nice to see that some actually do feel the pain of what they have caused others but what about the one's that haven't?


Is that denial?

or something else? Or does weaning off the alcohol do that to u?


susan

WantsOut

Mine was plagued by remorse so painful I could see it in his face. But it wasn't painful enough to make him stop.

prodigal

Time out ... obssessing here. What difference does it make as to whether an addict is remorseless or not? How about you? What do you feel? Why are you concerned with an addict - or the addict in your life feeling remorse? Are you expecting him to apologize sincerely, make amends, do something that indicates he really understands YOU and how his actions make YOU feel?

If you are waiting for an apology, you are going to have quite a wait.

cmc

minuet,
I don't think I can ever really know how someone else feels. I can know how they act and hear what they say but to know what is really in the heart and mind of another is something I can never be sure of.
Alot of people that I have known who shared their feelings of tremendous guilt, have often told me that they acted as if they had done nothing wrong and would never admit feeling badly, because it was too painful or they did not want to admit their wrongs.
One thing that has helped me to understand how it is on the 'other side' is to attend open AA and NA meetings. That is how I first became involved with recovery and in my first year of attending meetings I went to open AA/NA meetings twice as often as Alanon.

embraced2000

minuet...it's a scary thing to try and get into the alcoholics head....it will make you sick trying to do it.

they do what they do. there is no explanation. you cannot make sense of nonsense.

what you have to do, is to take care of yourself. when i was told this in al-anon, i had to figure out what that was....cause i plain did not know.

love to you
jeri

dayxday

Minuet - I feel the same way

If we want to save our marriage/relationship, we were expected to understand that they have a disease. We are expected to support them in their quest for sobriety. We are expected to forgive them for their actions and move forward. We are not expected to, but need to change ourselves and our behaviors, keep our hands out of their business, set boundaries with consequences, change the way we think and behave in order to not to continue our patterns of enabling their drinking and behaviors.

So yes I do have expectations too. And one of those is that I would like to know that he understands how deeply I have been hurt and the betrayal I have felt. I would like him to be serious about AA meetings and learn to change his behavior too. Step 8 in the 12 steps talks about making a list of those we have wronged and making amends.

Since he is only at step 3 – yes I will be waiting for a long time and I'm okay with that - I’m not hung up on waiting or a time frame. And maybe by then it won’t be so important to me.

If I was seeing serious behavior changes in him I wouldn't be so hung up on him understanding what he has put me through – actions speak louder than words.

I am proud of him for voluntarily going to treatment and being sober longer than he ever has in his life. But while he isn’t pursuing AA regularly and continues to behave like an alcoholic – I often feel like he is not remorseful.

ne_con

wow as if i didnt feel sorry enough already , im glad nobody tried to make me feel sorrier, that would send me straight to the bottom of another bottle

prodigal

there are addicts who never feel sorrow or regret or remorse for those they have dumped on. it's part of the disease. i think they have so much emotional pain they're trying to numb it with a substance and they don't have any more sorrow to give. they're just plain worn out.

GlassPrisoner

How do you know they are remorseless ?
Why is it nice to see anyone feel pain ?

I realize you've been hurt, a lot of us here have. My ex-wife seems to be remoresless, in reality I don't know . I do know I wouldn't take any pleasure in seeing her experience any pain. Same goes for my Mom.

So that's the alanon and ACOA in me talking.

The recovering alcoholic in me does feel remorse. It hit me hard after finishing my 4th step and realizing my part in the whole deal (which was a lot).

I attempt to make amends through my 9th step, which I am now working.

I pray the addicits in all of your lives find a program and work it.

God Bless.

bahookie

Really? I didn't know we were that powerful.

J

lilac

I think mine feels remorse, in his own mind altered alcoholic way......don't dwell on what he thinks............it will only make it harder for you. and drive you nuts!!!!

embraced2000

sometimes, when i felt as if i needed validation re: my hurt-ness from the actions of my x, i kept imagining him in an intensive care unit of a hospital. i honestly believe they are hurting very badly, also.

this does not excuse their behaviors, or gives them carte blanche to continue hurting us....but it is the reason they behave the way they can.

i also visualized a huge mirror in front of him and imagined that whenever he was raging and ranting that he was screaming, actually to himself. because i really felt that to be true.

i knew all along it had nothing, really, to do with me.

but it still affected me profoundly, and damaged me deeply.

love to all
jeri