help.. help... help...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
help.. help... help...
i went home last night after spending the weekend with my parents.... but i only felt worse! i let him make me feel worse. He talked about killing himself, talked about how much he loved me, talked about how hard he is fighting his addiction... he talked like a psycho. he really broke my heart.
i've had serioius thoughts about moving out these days. For the first time, i told my parents about my/his/our problem... it's getting more real i'm afraid - my thoughts about moving out...
But what if he really destroy himself after i leave? my AH actually came from another country to be with me and he has no familly here. And he said many times before that he could never go back to his hometown because everyone will know he's a failure here.
God, i'm going insane myself. so much guilt.... feeling so hopeless about my future... and i sooo want to save him. my AH's desease is really progressing, and so am i? i just don't seem to able to save myself even though i know my problem and i'm the sober one!
i've had serioius thoughts about moving out these days. For the first time, i told my parents about my/his/our problem... it's getting more real i'm afraid - my thoughts about moving out...
But what if he really destroy himself after i leave? my AH actually came from another country to be with me and he has no familly here. And he said many times before that he could never go back to his hometown because everyone will know he's a failure here.
God, i'm going insane myself. so much guilt.... feeling so hopeless about my future... and i sooo want to save him. my AH's desease is really progressing, and so am i? i just don't seem to able to save myself even though i know my problem and i'm the sober one!
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
My goodness Lil, why are you doing this to you?
He is on a self destructive path of his choosing, he is destroying him, you are not. Whether you stay or leave, the destruction will not stop, until he is ready to stop it.
You are so wrapped up in him, you have lost you.
Time to face the truth, you cannot save him, that is up to him. The only person you can save is you, and, you are not doing a very good job at that.
Get yourself some professional help...Please...
Dolly
He is on a self destructive path of his choosing, he is destroying him, you are not. Whether you stay or leave, the destruction will not stop, until he is ready to stop it.
You are so wrapped up in him, you have lost you.
Time to face the truth, you cannot save him, that is up to him. The only person you can save is you, and, you are not doing a very good job at that.
Get yourself some professional help...Please...
Dolly
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: iowa
Posts: 93
My AH has said many times he wished he were dead. If he couldn't be with me than what point is there in him living.
Do ya' think he's a little depressed? Comes from years of alcohol I'd guess.
He's been on meds. but would never take them regularly or would mix them with alcohol anyway.
But you know it isn't your fault.
What he decides to do is his decision, what you decide to do is yours.
I pray every night that my AH comes to realize that he is responsible for his actions, and I tell him often that he deserves better than what he's doing. To which he usually says 'Why?'
We've been apart since he went to his last court ordered treatment 9/30/06 - he's still alive as of yesterday anyway.
You can't save him .... You can show him the way - but ultimately what he does with it is choice.
you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. (or not drink in this case)
In my humble opinion....
Do ya' think he's a little depressed? Comes from years of alcohol I'd guess.
He's been on meds. but would never take them regularly or would mix them with alcohol anyway.
But you know it isn't your fault.
What he decides to do is his decision, what you decide to do is yours.
I pray every night that my AH comes to realize that he is responsible for his actions, and I tell him often that he deserves better than what he's doing. To which he usually says 'Why?'
We've been apart since he went to his last court ordered treatment 9/30/06 - he's still alive as of yesterday anyway.
You can't save him .... You can show him the way - but ultimately what he does with it is choice.
you can lead a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink. (or not drink in this case)
In my humble opinion....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
yes!
holy crap...you are me! I just got home from spending the weekend with my parents...feel worse as well. He was drunk when I got home (soberish earlier today when he called). He says his life is over if I say I want out. Has no family around here (I'm it). We live together. Seriously weighing my options...considering a trial separation or something (we aren't married yet) where he can move out. I would move out but the lease is in my name. I went to a friend's wedding this weekend and it only made me realize more how I dreaded my upcoming wedding, especially if he doesn't enter recovery. I know that there has to be a simpler life, one that's stable and peaceful (like the No Doubt song).
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
lill....oh how i understand your pain, and mixed up feelings. it is so hard to finally accept that we cannot help the alcoholic in our lives....i just kept having plan, after plan, after plan.....all of my al-anon friends just rolled their eyes, and said, we'll be here for ya, babe.
after many years of trying my way, and getting very very sick physically and mentally, and nearly spiritually dead.....i surrendered, and accepted the first step in al-anon.....admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
i set in many meeting, parrotting those words when we read the twelve steps, but they had no true meaning for me until i was truly beaten.
it will come for you, when you are ready....when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. it's those emotions of percieved love that kept me frozen in fear of change for so long.
love to you
jeri
after many years of trying my way, and getting very very sick physically and mentally, and nearly spiritually dead.....i surrendered, and accepted the first step in al-anon.....admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.
i set in many meeting, parrotting those words when we read the twelve steps, but they had no true meaning for me until i was truly beaten.
it will come for you, when you are ready....when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. it's those emotions of percieved love that kept me frozen in fear of change for so long.
love to you
jeri
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Are we all talking about the same guy lol Back when I was in the same shoes as you two mine also told me that if I left he'd shrivel up and die because he had NO ONE! NO ONE! BOO HOO! OMG!
Do I sound flippant? It's because it's not my fault that he can't maintain or cut every tie he had. And you know what? After I kicked him out he re-established a relationship with his family. That might not have happened otherwise. And he was ok. He can't manage his money for ****, but he's ok. And he still mopes and promises to quit. I kicked him out 7 months ago and he still hasn't done it but still promises.
We deserve more than empty promises and staying in a relationship over guilt. He's emotionally blackmailing you. I don't know how others see it, but the way I get through this stuff is to get mad. I deserve better. My life is worth a lot. He'll be fine without me and I'll be fine without him. He's a grown man and he's going to have to get over having screwed things up. And last but not least ... there is no way I'm going down with this ship! I'm bailing while I still can! Swim! Swim! Swim!
Do I sound flippant? It's because it's not my fault that he can't maintain or cut every tie he had. And you know what? After I kicked him out he re-established a relationship with his family. That might not have happened otherwise. And he was ok. He can't manage his money for ****, but he's ok. And he still mopes and promises to quit. I kicked him out 7 months ago and he still hasn't done it but still promises.
We deserve more than empty promises and staying in a relationship over guilt. He's emotionally blackmailing you. I don't know how others see it, but the way I get through this stuff is to get mad. I deserve better. My life is worth a lot. He'll be fine without me and I'll be fine without him. He's a grown man and he's going to have to get over having screwed things up. And last but not least ... there is no way I'm going down with this ship! I'm bailing while I still can! Swim! Swim! Swim!
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Thank you… you wonderful people.. just knowing that you’ve felt the way I feel, and got through what I’m going through… soothes my heart. I hope one day I can make up my mind…
I’m afraid that’s exactly me…
When I got married three years ago, I didn’t know my AH was an alcoholic. I knew he drank too much but didn’t know it could get worse and worse and worse …. Many people saw our marriage as a fairy tale coming true. I thought he’s the most wonderful person in the world and nobody loved me like he did (I ignored all the red flags then)… Now I often wish I had a simpler life, just an ordinary husband …. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you still get to choose who to marry, choose carefully.
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
i set in many meeting, parrotting those words when we read the twelve steps, but they had no true meaning for me until i was truly beaten.
it will come for you, when you are ready....when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. it's those emotions of percieved love that kept me frozen in fear of change for so long.
it will come for you, when you are ready....when you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. it's those emotions of percieved love that kept me frozen in fear of change for so long.
Originally Posted by HHTexas
holy crap...you are me! I just got home from spending the weekend with my parents...feel worse as well. He was drunk when I got home (soberish earlier today when he called). He says his life is over if I say I want out. Has no family around here (I'm it). We live together. Seriously weighing my options...considering a trial separation or something (we aren't married yet) where he can move out. I would move out but the lease is in my name. I went to a friend's wedding this weekend and it only made me realize more how I dreaded my upcoming wedding, especially if he doesn't enter recovery. I know that there has to be a simpler life, one that's stable and peaceful (like the No Doubt song).
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I wonder how many of us saw the red flags from the get-go and proceeded anyway? With my exAbf, they were flapping so hard they should have knocked me unconscious (perhaps they did!). In hindsight, I know I was very sick myself for accepting someone in my life I knew was not whole. I was not whole either as I am an alcoholic. One day at a time I am starting to making choices that are good for me...rather than self punishing (now if I could only quit smoking). I awake every morning thankful I am no longer in the madness of my last relationship. BUT that is not to say I don't have my "still sick" moments...this is process. I still miss him sometimes (but significantly less and less). I get lonely...and this is usually when I get sick. Yesterday I was lonely...and the first three things that came to my mind?
1) I want a drink
2) I want exAbf
3) I should eat something (I was not hungry).
Had I given in to any of these choices, I would have hated myself later. I called and then went and visited a friend...had a lovely afternoon...and did not end up hating myself for it.
Blessings to you,
T
1) I want a drink
2) I want exAbf
3) I should eat something (I was not hungry).
Had I given in to any of these choices, I would have hated myself later. I called and then went and visited a friend...had a lovely afternoon...and did not end up hating myself for it.
Blessings to you,
T
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Nuudawn, something you said struck me... "One day at a time I am starting to making choices that are good for me..."
i felt really awful this morning... tomorrow is still another hard day. i hope i'll do at least better than today.
i felt really awful this morning... tomorrow is still another hard day. i hope i'll do at least better than today.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hey lill....you still have some time today to make at least one good choice for yourself....why wait till tomorrow????
even if you only have a few minutes left of your day, do something for yourself....meditate, say the serenity prayer, read for 10 minutes, look in the mirror and say "i love you lill, and i am going to be very good to myself right now by affirming that i am worthy of good things." stare at yourself very hard, and very close up and say out loud....i love you lill.
love to you
jeri
even if you only have a few minutes left of your day, do something for yourself....meditate, say the serenity prayer, read for 10 minutes, look in the mirror and say "i love you lill, and i am going to be very good to myself right now by affirming that i am worthy of good things." stare at yourself very hard, and very close up and say out loud....i love you lill.
love to you
jeri
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Letting go of your feeling that you are somehow responsible for "saving him" ...and letting that be the responsibility of God/HP/Spirit/Universe is a choice you are making for you. First things first. Start the process of loving detachment...you can still care ABOUT, just let go of the need to care FOR. I highly recommend some daily prayer about the letting go process....it really does help.
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Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Lower Mainland, BC
Posts: 5
omg! I took mine to my parents house this weekend...as I sit here typing this he is upstairs coming down off of a hundred dollars worth of cocaine that he picked up after work this morning. Things have gotten pretty weird. He spent 4 hours in the garage getting high so he wouldn't wake me up...it's cold outside!
It seems to me that we are in a very similiar place Lill...maybe we could do this together. The thought of ending a four year relationship seems scary, but not as scary as being in the same relationship if four more years. They don't want help right now. In their own way they have been telling us, we just need to listen and begin taking care of ourselves.
It seems to me that we are in a very similiar place Lill...maybe we could do this together. The thought of ending a four year relationship seems scary, but not as scary as being in the same relationship if four more years. They don't want help right now. In their own way they have been telling us, we just need to listen and begin taking care of ourselves.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Threatening suicide is a form of emotional manipulation.
If you think he may harm himself, call 911.
Yep.
If you think he may harm himself, call 911.
The thought of ending a four year relationship seems scary, but not as scary as being in the same relationship if four more years. They don't want help right now. In their own way they have been telling us, we just need to listen and begin taking care of ourselves.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
((((Lill)))) Stop beating yourself up !!!!! There is nothing you can do to control him ......just you..........I am still working on al-anon's step one.
My AH has said things about killing himself.........It made me sick thinking about it, but several people here at SR set me straight on that one........
It is a control tactic, if he is going to do it, he will anyway, no matter what happens. You are not to blame for anything......
My AH has said things about killing himself.........It made me sick thinking about it, but several people here at SR set me straight on that one........
It is a control tactic, if he is going to do it, he will anyway, no matter what happens. You are not to blame for anything......
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: By the sea
Posts: 415
I ignored all the red flags too. I just don't get how I could have been so blind and willing to ignore what I knew deep down inside was not right. I feel very foolish.
Lill says "I knew he drank too much but didn’t know it could get worse and worse and worse."
That's exactly how I was. I honestly had NO idea it would progress. I have never known anyone (well) except my AH who has a drinking problem.
But I did know that I didn't like it. And I didn't stand up for myself. I willingly accepted what was unacceptable to me. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust my gut. I had nagging feelings all the time, but I thought they were unreasonale fears trying to derail my happiness. I didn't know how to read my gut (that little voice inside my head).
Lill says "I knew he drank too much but didn’t know it could get worse and worse and worse."
That's exactly how I was. I honestly had NO idea it would progress. I have never known anyone (well) except my AH who has a drinking problem.
But I did know that I didn't like it. And I didn't stand up for myself. I willingly accepted what was unacceptable to me. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust my gut. I had nagging feelings all the time, but I thought they were unreasonale fears trying to derail my happiness. I didn't know how to read my gut (that little voice inside my head).
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I knew about his problems but I thought I could fix my alky fiance. I figured I'd make him so happy and secure that he wouldn't need to drink anymore. As I've posted before my favorite analogy for what happened in my situation is the scene from the movie "Arthur" when Arthur and his fiancee Susan are having diner together:
Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: She'd have to be a real BIG woman.
Susan: A real woman could stop you from drinking.
Arthur: She'd have to be a real BIG woman.
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Join Date: Jan 2005
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Originally Posted by embraced2000
even if you only have a few minutes left of your day, do something for yourself....meditate, say the serenity prayer, read for 10 minutes, look in the mirror and say "i love you lill, and i am going to be very good to myself right now by affirming that i am worthy of good things." stare at yourself very hard, and very close up and say out loud....i love you lill.
well, i do feel better today. i have to keep reminding myself i can't change him, and stop expecting him to get well (even though he wakes up remorseful every morning and swears he will stop "today") ... i also keep asking myself to feel sorry for him. cause if i don't feel sorry for him, i'll feel mad. if i feel mad i'll do or say stupid things. no good. no good.
whew....
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Originally Posted by bright_buttafly
The thought of ending a four year relationship seems scary, but not as scary as being in the same relationship if four more years. They don't want help right now. In their own way they have been telling us, we just need to listen and begin taking care of ourselves.
Originally Posted by newenglandgirl
But I did know that I didn't like it. And I didn't stand up for myself. I willingly accepted what was unacceptable to me. I didn't trust myself. I didn't trust my gut. I had nagging feelings all the time, but I thought they were unreasonale fears trying to derail my happiness. I didn't know how to read my gut (that little voice inside my head).
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: somewhere south
Posts: 254
"Worse in my case. Sometimes a little voice tells me to go, sometimes another little voice tells me to stay!"
HA...me too! the angel vs the devil or something like that...
I tried to end it again after a horrible horrible fight. He said he was going to drink himself to death and life wasn't worth living without me. I'm not yet strong enough where I can walk away from that. Progress, not perfection.
HA...me too! the angel vs the devil or something like that...
I tried to end it again after a horrible horrible fight. He said he was going to drink himself to death and life wasn't worth living without me. I'm not yet strong enough where I can walk away from that. Progress, not perfection.
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