JT

I have been seeing posts from people who are trying so hard to "do the right thing" and it has made me want to climb on Smoke's soapbox.

When I started my recovery there simply were things I was not ready to do. Like kicking my son out. It took me over a year to get to a place where I was able to do that. Luckly I guess I got the fact ( with continual blows to the head from my sponsor) that this program is, after all, about me and I knew that I couldn't live with ME if I kicked him out.

Some of you are so new at this and trying to force yourselves to do things that break your heart because it seems to be the right thing to do. You are not being fair to yourselves and you are not allowing yourselves enough time. This is not a program designed to force solutions. It should be gentle program and you need to be gentle with yourselves. Don't EVER do something that doesn't give you peace because if you do you are doing it for the wrong reasons. Saying "no" is not easy. I was not able to do it until I really and truly understood WHY it was the right thing. Until then it felt wrong. So I often said yes...but the differance was that I was learning and I began to notice the results of those yes's...or should I say lack of results.

I have watched my son from the age of 16 until now at 28 slowly destroy his life. Those 12 years, if the truth be told, began with about 5 years of "yes's" before I was able to feel in my heart that a "no" was more effective. I was not into beating myself up...I was already bruised enough. Melody Beatties page about waiting is so key. If you don't know what to do, do nothing. If you HAVE to do something consider how it will make YOU feel...not the other person. If you can't say "no" and sleep at night then don't. But continue to learn and build your strength. The day will come.

Recovery, like Rome, is not built in a day.

Be gentle with your selves!
((hugs))
JT

liddy

I sure needed to hear your words JT
I havent even been in a yr yet and there are
times that you just think you need to do something
"forcing solutions" is not the answer if i'm not ready.

This is a gentle program but i get hard on myself to try
to get it all! and at once !

I had spent most of last yr focused on my alcoholic
children , trying to save and alot less tiime focused on me.
and however slow it takes me to work this program then
so be it. I am realy going to try and be gentle with myself..
Thank you so much
love
liddy

Rose56

Thanks JT, as you know I frequently need to hear this message. I like the part about thinking about how your action will make you feel. I agree, until I am in the right place, doing something that feels wrong will not help the situation. I feel that the day is not so far off.

Gabe

to be taken in groups of a thousand. Good post JT.
Peace,
Gabe

Stephanie

Thanks JT

Awesome post!!

JT

I wasn't even sure I was making sense!

Anyway the first time I started making any sort of move at all was after my first spiritual awakening. That was when I started to actually believe some of the things I was saying at meetings. That there is a power greater than myself who is running everyone's lives. Most importantly there is a power greater than myself running the Beav's life. And Ward's life.

Now call me a hard head but I was at this for at least a year before I had a "spiritual awakening". There was more comfort in that one thing than I can begin to describe. It wasn't my fault anymore. It was all part of a grand plan and there was nothing i could do to change it. I was powerless. The first 3 steps exploded into reality all at the same time.

That is why it is so important to focus on you and your progress. It is that progress that will make it all so much easier. One day when you are ready, the solutions will flow. They will be so obvious that you can't miss them. You will have peace amid the storm.

As an example of what I am talking about, like I said I was unable to make the Beav move out and my marrage was failing as a result. During a conversation with a friend she said something very simple Something I am sure I heard 100 times before. But that one time I GOT it. That is how mundane my spritual awaken was...a few words from a girlfriend grabbed me and changed me. Not long after that we stumbled on a lot we wanted to buy and we bought it. As we made plans to build we sold out home and the Beav went his way and we went ours. Do you see the flow? Nothing was forced. No one could ever convince me that God was not working in all of that.

Be kind to yourself and soak it up. It works if you work it.

Hugs,
JT

Ann

Wow JT - you never cease to amaze me. What a great post and so very very true. You and I have travelled this road together and have gone through so many of the same things so I can relate to so much of what you said.

It took me forever to stop enabling, to start listening to those who went before me, and to learn to be patient with myself and my program, and piece by piece everything started to fall into place.

I still make mistakes, but the difference is that today I recognize them and learn quickly from them, and learn never to beat myself up.

Thank you for posting this on a day when I needed to read it.

osier59

Great Post JT.

Have I told you guys lately that I love you? It's so good to know that I can tap into you anytime, from anywhere in the world! You are what keeps my feet on the ground and my eyes focused on reality more often than you can know!!

Thanks for always being here.

HUGS
Osier59

Ann

****{Osier}}} I love you too. . Hope work isn't wearing you down.

Stephanie

JT...Your last post goes along with a quote I found the other day....


You can't think your way into a new way of living, you have to live your way into a new way of thinking.

I love it, it's so true. You can't just read the steps and decide to start working them. As you live your life, the steps start to apply, and you start to use them as tools in your daily life, until finally, they become instinctual.

journeygal

I can so relate to this. My brain understood codependency and the changes I needed to make long before my heart and soul took hold. It all took time and I learned to accept that it was God's time, not mine.

Thanks JT.

Hugs,
JG

mo

Hi JT and All

I think the many times I have wanted to "do something" that was difficult and painful often the underlying motivation of my action was "to change the addict" in my life so the focus was not on me.

So if we look at the motivation for our actions we can often see the big old codependacy bugaboo lurking. .we are still trying to control the outcome even when we do the hard stuff. .It is all so hard yet so simple. .and I am still learning and letting go. I always struggled with doing the hard stuff until the past two years when I realized that all my good intentions was just keeping my daughter sick. So. .it is a fine line. .and a journey (Anns)

BTW. .my daughter is still in her program and doing well. Still looking for a job. I think she is having a hard time getting hired because she went and dyed her hair one of those bright red colors that stand out. .yes she loves to be noticed.

She was diagnosed with Hep C recently which is another motivating factor to stay clean. .(this was no surprise to anyone since we have an epidemic of Hep C and syphillis in our area).

We took her little girls to see her a couple of weeks ago. We went to see a play about the Velveteen Rabbit. .(a family favorite). .It was so enjoyable. .watching her actually enjoy something with her kids. .to see the child in her after so many years of darkness and despair. .so that was a reward. .

Here is a lovely website to help bring some solace and peace to all. www.positivepause.com/en

Sending blessings to all. Mo