Isolation...getting over it?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Holmen, WI
Posts: 2
Isolation...getting over it?
Hi I'm new to the group and I'm dealing with feeling isolated lately. I have felt isolated from my AH, Chris for years, always going back hoping to find a companion but never getting it. My AH is in the military and is deployed. I have made many good lifestyle changes since he has left and decided that I want to divorce. It's funny how happy I was with that decision, but lately I'm having to find out what I "can" fill my life with. I don't know if it's shyness or fear of rejection that is my problem, but I'm finding myself becoming isolated in my house with my two little kids. I'm thinking of getting more work just to keep from being isolated, but is that just skirting the issue? Will more work really give me the happiness I'm looking for in a close relationship, or do I just need to get "good" with myself and learn to make myself happy?
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
I spent so much time here, and finding friends that I had put on back burner while living with him. Finding myself again in the process. Isolation for awhile was not a bad thing for me personally.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
hi jj....and welcome aboard
i, too was isolated after living with the effects of alcoholism. i went to al-anon, came here, and worked, worked, worked.
it took me over 2 years to regain some sort of self again....but it's been a wonderful journey.
love to you
jeri
i, too was isolated after living with the effects of alcoholism. i went to al-anon, came here, and worked, worked, worked.
it took me over 2 years to regain some sort of self again....but it's been a wonderful journey.
love to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Ca
Posts: 69
Would you rather feel isolated with your 2 children in a sober house with a bright future? Cause right now I'm in a house with my AH who is trying to be sober and is miserable, so he's taking it out on me. Think about what it was like when he was there, you probably felt a little isolated then. Take the time now to make your life better now that he's not holding you down.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome to SR, glad you found this site.
Read the stickies at the top,. I would like to suggest you read the books and learn about the disease or you will find another alcoholic.
Sorta happens to lots of us. Enjoy your kids.
Read the stickies at the top,. I would like to suggest you read the books and learn about the disease or you will find another alcoholic.
Sorta happens to lots of us. Enjoy your kids.
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
I hear where you're coming from. It's Friday night and it feels like the whole world is having fun and we're here alone just like we were with our beloved alcoholics. It's true it's more peaceful, but at least chasing around an alky gave us something to do.
So what do we do now?
I think the answer is slowly and deliberately rebuild. I plan to select friends carefully - no more ex-junkies, goths, interesting freaks, or obviously troubled people. I want to start by making female friends who are healthy people whose lives I like.
Then, after a long time has passed and I have no problem living on my own, and I have a network of friends with whom I can spend time, I will be open to maybe meeting a man. I'm not going to muse about that right now. Right now it starts with healthy friends with healthy habits.
That's my plan so far.
So what do we do now?
I think the answer is slowly and deliberately rebuild. I plan to select friends carefully - no more ex-junkies, goths, interesting freaks, or obviously troubled people. I want to start by making female friends who are healthy people whose lives I like.
Then, after a long time has passed and I have no problem living on my own, and I have a network of friends with whom I can spend time, I will be open to maybe meeting a man. I'm not going to muse about that right now. Right now it starts with healthy friends with healthy habits.
That's my plan so far.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome to SR
I learned to embrace my isolation as a healing time. Attending meetings kept me out in the world (I work at home). I still have times I isolate, but I recognize I'm doing it and don't allow it to go on too long. I still see those times as healing for me, so I'm not too worried.
Glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you.
I learned to embrace my isolation as a healing time. Attending meetings kept me out in the world (I work at home). I still have times I isolate, but I recognize I'm doing it and don't allow it to go on too long. I still see those times as healing for me, so I'm not too worried.
Glad you are here and look forward to getting to know you.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
i love what you've said wantsout! when i think of my exabf i begin to miss the 'excitement' and then find myself asking what i was so excited about....him wrecking my car, lying to me, staying out all night, jekyl & hyde? nothing to be excited about.
and denny, bravo for reminding me that this is my healing time....just as if i were getting over a broken leg or the flu.
jj its helpful for me to remember that this isolation is only temporary and that before you know it you will rebuild just enough that you will not feel so empty anymore. it also helps me to remember that if i weren't alone right now then i would be obssessing, chasing, worrying about and enabling the exabf and completely crushing my self-esteem and mashing my integrity into small pieces.
i'm spending my single time building myself into the person i want to attract.
thank you to all of you here.
hugs to you jj!!
and denny, bravo for reminding me that this is my healing time....just as if i were getting over a broken leg or the flu.
jj its helpful for me to remember that this isolation is only temporary and that before you know it you will rebuild just enough that you will not feel so empty anymore. it also helps me to remember that if i weren't alone right now then i would be obssessing, chasing, worrying about and enabling the exabf and completely crushing my self-esteem and mashing my integrity into small pieces.
i'm spending my single time building myself into the person i want to attract.
thank you to all of you here.
hugs to you jj!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Welcome, jjohnson ... please keep coming back!
I am a military wife too and I spent nine months in 2003 living alone in our house while AH was deployed to Kuwait, Iraq, and then to a remote area of Pakistan. I was scared and lonely. I wasn't permitted to know where he was in Iraq. I finally got most of the story after it was declassified, but I was pretty much in shock when all I knew was he was somewhere on planet Earth.
It took me awhile to realize that there is a lot of drinking going on in our military and a lot of the people who come back from over there are not the same. What came home to me was not what left! Yes, he was an alcoholic before he left, but he NEVER swore at me or was verbally abusive in any way.
I filled my lonely time by going to the chaplain's office at Fort Meade, Maryland, where they had weekly sessions for wives whose husbands were overseas. It was a good support system. I also attended Al-Anon meetings and took advantage of free weekly counseling that was provided by the Army.
To be honest with you, I think a lot of military wives feel isolated because the men they marry tend to isolate. After all, they are trained to "suck it up" and take whatever comes their way. Feelings are taboo. Unfortunately, it doesn't work very well in a marriage. What little companionship I had prior to our marriage (he was deployed nine months before we got married, but he was only 120 miles from home) wasn't really what I needed, now that I reflect on what was going on when we were "happy" together.
It took me awhile to realize that there is a lot of drinking going on in our military and a lot of the people who come back from over there are not the same. What came home to me was not what left! Yes, he was an alcoholic before he left, but he NEVER swore at me or was verbally abusive in any way.
I filled my lonely time by going to the chaplain's office at Fort Meade, Maryland, where they had weekly sessions for wives whose husbands were overseas. It was a good support system. I also attended Al-Anon meetings and took advantage of free weekly counseling that was provided by the Army.
To be honest with you, I think a lot of military wives feel isolated because the men they marry tend to isolate. After all, they are trained to "suck it up" and take whatever comes their way. Feelings are taboo. Unfortunately, it doesn't work very well in a marriage. What little companionship I had prior to our marriage (he was deployed nine months before we got married, but he was only 120 miles from home) wasn't really what I needed, now that I reflect on what was going on when we were "happy" together.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
It's impossible to feel isolated here.......
you have come to the right place!
You described my brotherinlaw to a tee, when he came back from Kuwait in the early 90s, from the gulf war, he swore every other word....we had 2 small children at the time, and was having fits trying to tell BIL to watch his mouth. It was as if he didn't even know he was doing it. Then he did 180* turn and became so religious, joined a church that was Amish in nature, got married, had children (one right after the other, I think he has 6 or 7 by now) and his children have to call him SIR......
So, jj, I wouldn't make any rash decisions right away. Wait and see what he is like when he does finally get to come home. How old are the kids? Must be young, to be home alone all day with them. Find some free things to do. My son loves to go to the library... there are a ton of puzzles and puppets that he loves to play with, and of course computers and other children. He is 4.
Welcome.
you have come to the right place!
You described my brotherinlaw to a tee, when he came back from Kuwait in the early 90s, from the gulf war, he swore every other word....we had 2 small children at the time, and was having fits trying to tell BIL to watch his mouth. It was as if he didn't even know he was doing it. Then he did 180* turn and became so religious, joined a church that was Amish in nature, got married, had children (one right after the other, I think he has 6 or 7 by now) and his children have to call him SIR......
So, jj, I wouldn't make any rash decisions right away. Wait and see what he is like when he does finally get to come home. How old are the kids? Must be young, to be home alone all day with them. Find some free things to do. My son loves to go to the library... there are a ton of puzzles and puppets that he loves to play with, and of course computers and other children. He is 4.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: brownsville, pa
Posts: 16
i hear ya
i was so elated when my AH left, I felt so free and unburdened. Just the idea that I would be able to sleep all night and not have to hear him coming home at some unggodly hour or not coming home at all.. or trying to make him wake up on the weekends before 1:00 pm. because he was hungover.. or listening to his lies about where he was or when he'll be home.. etc. it was wonderful and still kind of is, but I am feeling like I don't know how to get out there now and start living this life I thought I would be. I stayed home pretty much all day today and all last weekend. i'm going to make myself go to a movie tommorrow. I don't know what it is, maybe winter makes me feel like hibernating too or it's just going to take time... My ah still thinks we're getting back together and he's just pretty much acting like I just decided out of the blue to get a divorce for no reason, because he's OK now.... arghhh.
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