The discussion
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The discussion
I skipped the meeting tonight and went to see the A. I told him my concerns for his health and safety, told him it was all very real, and if he didn't do something to change things he could very well cause irreversible brain damage and end up crazy. If he keeps doing what he is doing it is only going to get worse. He acknowledged this and agreed completely. He then went into the sympathy trip mode and told me how he is insane and I need to get over him, etc. He can't feel and it is impossible to have feelings for anyone. I told him my feelings and also told him that I was considering the possibility of ending things w/ him. At that, he became defensive, telling me he should just do what the program recommends and not date anyone until he is well. Apparently egos took over and it seems that it became a game of who is ending it for what reason. I told him I simply can't deal with the possibility of him becoming worse-simple as that. He said he is going to immerse himself in the program and work on his sobriety-it is time. I did not and have not ever asked him to do this and was surprised by it. Yet I take it pretty lightly. Either he will or he won't. His life depends on him following through. He insists it is important that he remains friends with me and still wants to stay in contact. I really hope he does. I'm more concerned with that than I am his drinking-how is that for brutally honest? Not a good thing and another thing for me to look at. He made sure to give me all of my things back before I left. That made me feel awful.
So we have left it at "friends". Why do I feel so miserable?
So we have left it at "friends". Why do I feel so miserable?
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Dallas, TX
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What is it we say in Al-Anon? Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. It's okay to feel what you feel right now, but what choices do we make in response to our feelings?
When you have emotional ties with someone, it is normal to feel the pain, sorrow, loss, over that relationship. It is normal to have emotional ups and downs, or to have a mix of feelings at the same time.
Do what you need to do for you right now. Work on your own program. Get to your own meetings for yourself. We are powerless over people, places, and things. We are powerless over the choices someone else makes.
Someone just mentioned to me, to allow them the dignity to make their own choices.
Love and prayers to you,
When you have emotional ties with someone, it is normal to feel the pain, sorrow, loss, over that relationship. It is normal to have emotional ups and downs, or to have a mix of feelings at the same time.
Do what you need to do for you right now. Work on your own program. Get to your own meetings for yourself. We are powerless over people, places, and things. We are powerless over the choices someone else makes.
Someone just mentioned to me, to allow them the dignity to make their own choices.
Love and prayers to you,
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Originally Posted by denny57 
Maybe because you skipped the meeting. Which would have been for YOU.
Take care.
Take care.
I'm just feeling...crushed...again. I really am/was not ready for this. We've never been able to be just friends.
I am trying not to over-analyze it-coming up w/ negative explanations for what is really going on w/ him, etc. Wondering what he is doing, if he's doing what he's said he is doing. Very hard!
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Originally Posted by LizzyP
What is it we say in Al-Anon? Feelings are neither right or wrong, they just are. It's okay to feel what you feel right now, but what choices do we make in response to our feelings?
When you have emotional ties with someone, it is normal to feel the pain, sorrow, loss, over that relationship. It is normal to have emotional ups and downs, or to have a mix of feelings at the same time.
Do what you need to do for you right now. Work on your own program. Get to your own meetings for yourself. We are powerless over people, places, and things. We are powerless over the choices someone else makes.
Someone just mentioned to me, to allow them the dignity to make their own choices.
Love and prayers to you,
When you have emotional ties with someone, it is normal to feel the pain, sorrow, loss, over that relationship. It is normal to have emotional ups and downs, or to have a mix of feelings at the same time.
Do what you need to do for you right now. Work on your own program. Get to your own meetings for yourself. We are powerless over people, places, and things. We are powerless over the choices someone else makes.
Someone just mentioned to me, to allow them the dignity to make their own choices.
Love and prayers to you,
Yeah, unfortunately that involves crying and sadness. And fighting off the urge to wonder what he is really doing, if there is someone else, etc.
We've split before-always w/ no contact, then we get back together. This is different. And I'm not sure how it is different, except that we have remained "friends". I guess I'll find out.
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I think it would likely be easier on both parties if you practiced some loving detachment. Recovery takes a lot of time and energy. As I am working on both my alcoholism and my codependence, all I truly have to offer right now must be offered to myself.
There is much truth to the old adage..If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you..it's yours, if it doesn't...it never was.
In facing our recovery, we are taking responsiblity for ourselves...we need to identify and assert boundaries and practice self control. We have to give up the need for instant gratification and walk thru our pain rather that seek relief from an outside source.
I completely empathisize with your pain as I'm only split with my exAbf a matter of weeks. Although painful, I truly know that we must find our own way. Co-dependence (like addiction) is a manifestation of a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. In most cases, a relationship with an alcoholic/addict is painful, difficult and often emotionally and/or physically abusive...difficult to heal when the wound is always being reopened.
In my early alcoholism recovery, clarity is gradual and it's emotionally exhausting. I can't possibly imagine how difficult the emotional demands of another would be for me...it would definitely slow if not hinder my progress.
There is much truth to the old adage..If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you..it's yours, if it doesn't...it never was.
In facing our recovery, we are taking responsiblity for ourselves...we need to identify and assert boundaries and practice self control. We have to give up the need for instant gratification and walk thru our pain rather that seek relief from an outside source.
I completely empathisize with your pain as I'm only split with my exAbf a matter of weeks. Although painful, I truly know that we must find our own way. Co-dependence (like addiction) is a manifestation of a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. In most cases, a relationship with an alcoholic/addict is painful, difficult and often emotionally and/or physically abusive...difficult to heal when the wound is always being reopened.
In my early alcoholism recovery, clarity is gradual and it's emotionally exhausting. I can't possibly imagine how difficult the emotional demands of another would be for me...it would definitely slow if not hinder my progress.
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn
I think it would likely be easier on both parties if you practiced some loving detachment. Recovery takes a lot of time and energy. As I am working on both my alcoholism and my codependence, all I truly have to offer right now must be offered to myself.
There is much truth to the old adage..If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you..it's yours, if it doesn't...it never was.
In facing our recovery, we are taking responsiblity for ourselves...we need to identify and assert boundaries and practice self control. We have to give up the need for instant gratification and walk thru our pain rather that seek relief from an outside source.
I completely empathisize with your pain as I'm only split with my exAbf a matter of weeks. Although painful, I truly know that we must find our own way. Co-dependence (like addiction) is a manifestation of a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. In most cases, a relationship with an alcoholic/addict is painful, difficult and often emotionally and/or physically abusive...difficult to heal when the wound is always being reopened.
In my early alcoholism recovery, clarity is gradual and it's emotionally exhausting. I can't possibly imagine how difficult the emotional demands of another would be for me...it would definitely slow if not hinder my progress.
There is much truth to the old adage..If you love something set it free, if it comes back to you..it's yours, if it doesn't...it never was.
In facing our recovery, we are taking responsiblity for ourselves...we need to identify and assert boundaries and practice self control. We have to give up the need for instant gratification and walk thru our pain rather that seek relief from an outside source.
I completely empathisize with your pain as I'm only split with my exAbf a matter of weeks. Although painful, I truly know that we must find our own way. Co-dependence (like addiction) is a manifestation of a dysfunctional relationship with yourself. In most cases, a relationship with an alcoholic/addict is painful, difficult and often emotionally and/or physically abusive...difficult to heal when the wound is always being reopened.
In my early alcoholism recovery, clarity is gradual and it's emotionally exhausting. I can't possibly imagine how difficult the emotional demands of another would be for me...it would definitely slow if not hinder my progress.
We've both let go of each other in the past, and both always come back. This time he made a point of us remaining friends-he still wants to call me and see me sometimes. I don't get it.
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What do you want?
I would not spend alot of time trying to "get" it... climbing into an alcoholics head is a very dangerous place to go... leave it to the professionals. Put the focus back on you hon
I would not spend alot of time trying to "get" it... climbing into an alcoholics head is a very dangerous place to go... leave it to the professionals. Put the focus back on you hon
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Originally Posted by Cynay
What do you want?
I would not spend alot of time trying to "get" it... climbing into an alcoholics head is a very dangerous place to go... leave it to the professionals. Put the focus back on you hon
I would not spend alot of time trying to "get" it... climbing into an alcoholics head is a very dangerous place to go... leave it to the professionals. Put the focus back on you hon
I want a lot of things. Some involve him, but many do not.
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Originally Posted by denny57
What are the ones that don't?
I cannot decide where I want to be and where I want to have this business. I moved to the city last year-something I've always wanted to do. I don't like it and want to go somewhere else. Again, I don't know where. It is practical for me to stay nearby-work, children, lots of things I enjoy. However, I feel sort of lost lately and have had several offers to move back home. I think that would be an escape for me though.
I want to take a vacation, but I do not want to go alone. Not that I can't deal with traveling alone, I have before, but more the safety of a woman traveling alone that bothers me. I'm just not up for visiting Paris or Costa Rica alone.
I want to get my Masters but don't know how I can swing it at the moment, which is completely frustrating.
I want to get a smaller place.
I want to be able to save money.
I want to quit smoking.
I want to find a home for my cat.
I want to sell my car and get something less expensive.
I want to do something fun, but can't seem to come up with anything lately.
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Tracy,
I think you need to make a decision based on what is good for you rather than accepting however he thinks things should be right now. Trying to be "just friends" with someone you are intimately attached to is something just shy of pure hell. A good clean break for a great while is likely the last thing you want to do...but ya know, I have a hunch that somewhere inside of you...you know a few months of space ...complete space where you are focussed on you..and he can be focussed on he....would be a good thing...for both of you. You can always reassess later down the line.
I think you need to make a decision based on what is good for you rather than accepting however he thinks things should be right now. Trying to be "just friends" with someone you are intimately attached to is something just shy of pure hell. A good clean break for a great while is likely the last thing you want to do...but ya know, I have a hunch that somewhere inside of you...you know a few months of space ...complete space where you are focussed on you..and he can be focussed on he....would be a good thing...for both of you. You can always reassess later down the line.
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Originally Posted by Cynay
Denny sometimes you write exactly what Im thinking .... scarry.
So Why dont you take a couple things off that list and start on them.
So Why dont you take a couple things off that list and start on them.
I am working on all of them to some extent, aside from the vacation
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Maybe one at a time. That is a great list and gives you plenty to concentrate on instead of his drinking.
Here's a great site for women traveling: http://www.womenstravelclub.com/
I haven't been to Boston in several years, but there is a lot of fun stuff to do there. Do you like jazz? Go to Wally's. The art museum. Pick one thing and take yourself on a date.
I promise you this: start concentrating on these things and all the rest will fall into the place it belongs.
Good luck, tracy, it will be worth it!
Here's a great site for women traveling: http://www.womenstravelclub.com/
I haven't been to Boston in several years, but there is a lot of fun stuff to do there. Do you like jazz? Go to Wally's. The art museum. Pick one thing and take yourself on a date.
I promise you this: start concentrating on these things and all the rest will fall into the place it belongs.
Good luck, tracy, it will be worth it!
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Originally Posted by Nuudawn
Tracy,
I think you need to make a decision based on what is good for you rather than accepting however he thinks things should be right now. Trying to be "just friends" with someone you are intimately attached to is something just shy of pure hell. A good clean break for a great while is likely the last thing you want to do...but ya know, I have a hunch that somewhere inside of you...you know a few months of space ...complete space where you are focussed on you..and he can be focussed on he....would be a good thing...for both of you. You can always reassess later down the line.
I think you need to make a decision based on what is good for you rather than accepting however he thinks things should be right now. Trying to be "just friends" with someone you are intimately attached to is something just shy of pure hell. A good clean break for a great while is likely the last thing you want to do...but ya know, I have a hunch that somewhere inside of you...you know a few months of space ...complete space where you are focussed on you..and he can be focussed on he....would be a good thing...for both of you. You can always reassess later down the line.
I can't help but wonder what is really going on. He says he needs to work on him. I really want to believe that. But he could've said he needs to focus on him and won't be seeing me for awhile instead of the just friends thing. When I told him I needed space to work on me at one point, he took that to mean that I wanted him to move out, and he did.
He knows how I feel about him. I always told him I could never just be his friend. I caved last time because he was making efforts to change his life.
I wish I just knew what was really going on. All I can do is take it for what it is. Speculation will get me nowhere. I must keep reminding myself that. All I really know is that he only wants to be friends right now, he says he is working on him, to some extent he is.
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