tracy1963

1) My big issue that I wasn't aware of until recently is that I have a hard time making decisions based on what is right for ME. I am always trying to stay a step ahead of the abf, anticipating what his actions will be in response to my own. I have made a new habit of not telling him much of what goes on in my life these days-not sure why. Maybe I want to see what he does on his own? Maybe I want him to live in uncertainty, much as I have w/ him over the past few years? Recently, when I have made decisions, and he is not made aware of these decisions, I find that he has followed suit-doing pretty much the same thing as me. Kind of weird.

2)-again-I have found that I have made a new habit of not telling him much of what is going on in my life these days and I don't know why. I am not so "available" when he calls and such. I don't discuss important matters with him anymore, unless he asks, then I am vague.

3) I've noticed that we share a lot of the same behaviors. Is this typical? I'm not an A, but obviously co-dependent to some extent, if there are extents? I think some of it is obviously mirroring, but some of it was there to begin with.

4) He seems to create situations instead of just letting things happen the way they are going to happen. He won't plan anything really these days. He won't say "hey, let's spend the weekend together"-he will call and say let's go do something and then end up not wanting to go home for a few days. Or invite me over for dinner and not want me to leave for a few days. He won't call just to say hi-he has to have a reason to call, even if it is something silly, like EMS is having a sale tomorrow, or do you know the name of that actor...? He used to create a crisis so I'd come running-instead of asking me to come over. I stopped falling for that. Typical?

5) He is sooooo secretive about the most stupid things. Like where his storage facility is. Or when his parents are coming back from vacation. Or where he goes to meetings-he's in a new town. Or how long he's gone without a cigarette-he's quitting. I'm finding myself choosing my words/topics carefully so I don't have to deal w/ the bs. Is that typical as well?

6) When he is coming down from a few days of drinking and looking at facing reality-work, maintaining-he gets very moody and withdrawn. It is a mixture of fear, guilt, and anger. Is that typical?

7) 3 years and I've never experienced his abusive side, other than some verbal/psychological bits. And yes, we did live together at one point. I've heard and he's told me he has been physically abusive to anyone he's ever been in a relationship with. The potential is there, and I am aware of it. I take that seriously. I've never seen any indication of him treating me that way. I consider myself lucky. I'm just wondering why? Does he know he wouldn't get away with it with me? Would that even matter?

8) I am really worried about what is happening to his mind. His memory has gotten so bad, and then the delusional thing. We're going to have to talk about that sometime soon. I think it scares him a lot.

9) He is constantly telling me the very same things you all say about maintaining a relationship with him. He seems to want me to get over him. I doubt I ever will. That doesn't mean I can stay with him. He thinks I should go to Al-Anon. He says that I need to see that it is not me and that I am not the only one to go through this. I haven't told him that I have been for several months. I don't know why. I've pretty much never thought it was me-other than a few times when I didn't know what exactly I was dealing with. I realize that I am not the only one to have gone through this. Moreso since coming here. Thanks I can't seem to relate to the people at the meetings I go to. Their stories are all so different from mine. It's all about the A embarrassing them at the family party, or the dui, or passing out before dinner is ready-very real and important, but nothing I've had to deal with. I don't embarrass easily, no duis with me-works hard to keep it that way, if he passes out, he misses dinner, but he rarely passes out-usually he's up for days.

10) I was concerned that I never had boundaries regarding his drinking around me. I'm a live and let live sort of person. When it seemed he only saw me when he was drinking, I mentioned it. He said he would drink if he were with me or not. I know that is true. I was pondering the excuse to drink, or maybe being a safety net for his drinking. I was just starting to question it for the first time. If maybe I was adding to his problem by letting him drink around me. Aside from these new doubts, I never have a prob with his drinking. He's really a great guy and we get along wonderfully either way. When I blew him off one weekend, he didn't drink. Got me wondering more. Then he drank-really drank-when we weren't together, and he proved his point. If he wants to drink, he will find a way to drink. Maybe I am just one of his many ways to drink. I'm not sure what that means yet.

Thoughts? Comments? Opinions? Questions?

dollydo

You just wrote a long post all about him, and, don't think you may a tiny problem that Alanon could help you with, like codependency.

After reading the entire post you say "I never have a problem with his drinking".

This small little statement is very confusing to me, if you don't have a problem with his drinking then to me there is no problem that we can help or support you on.

Dolly

tracy1963

See 3)-I state that I am obviously codependent to some extent?

I think the first two are definitely about me. These are new and sudden changes for me that just happened without any thought on my part.

When I say I don't have a problem with is drinking, I don't mean with all of the turmoil it creates for me-fears, doubts, worry. I meant that in the sense of I don't mind being around him when he is drinking-he doesn't really change. I obviously do have problems with his drinking in general.

Yes, the post is generally about him-I thought of that as I finished it early this morning.

1) & 2) are changes in me that I am trying to understand as I never put any thought into them. They just sort of happened. I haven't decided if they are for the best or not, like maybe I am trying to keep him in the world of uncertainty? I don't know why I made those changes.

3) - 6) are general observations about him that bother me. I have no control over them and cannot change them. I'm wondering if these are typical A behaviors and trying to sort through it all-how I feel about it, if I want to continue to deal with it, etc.

7) Is a fact about him that I am wrestling with. It is something that I take very seriously and have no idea how to process. I've never heard of such a thing happening to anyone else. I'm wondering if it is just a matter of time, which seems logical, but I've been with him longer than most and have spent more alone time with him than probably anyone.

8) Is also a fact. It is not going to get better and will only get worse if he continues on the way he is. I'm not sure if he realizes how bad he's really gotten. There is nothing I can do about it, other than tell him, and I plan on doing so very soon.

9) I am new to Al-Anon. I am only able to go to f2f meetings once a week. I don't mean to dis any of the members or anything like that by my comments. I am going to meetings for a reason. I am coming here for a reason. I do get a lot of info about working the program and such at the meetings. The things these members are dealing w/ are very real and important. It just seems like they are dealing with different kinds of things than I. Maybe I just haven't been going long enough. I seem to get more info that helps me here is what I meant. And I've never heard of an active A pushing Al Anon before. So much of his behavior is typical A. Then things like this are completely off track. Or maybe I was praising him for that.

10) is merely where I'm at with that issue. I had never thought about it until recently. It is another decision I am working on.

Cynay

May I ask you, What are you getting out of this relationship?

Do you like the personality changes that are happening to you?

When at the Al-anon meeting, most of them are "living with" the disease, maybe when your listening to their ESH you could think about it as what is "going" to be. When you say he has not been violent.... put the word "yet" behind it.

mcdo1268

Tracy..unfortunately you have become as sick as he is. This is very typical and I have seen it a hundred times. You need to shut the door completely on him. He needs to work on himself, until he can be good to himself he will never be good to anyone else, he is a jekyl/hide. You need to work through your anger, resentments and fears. I hate to see people go through this. Get your butt to an Alanon meeting and get your hand up.

tracy1963

He encourages me more than anyone ever has in all of my pursuits, he understands me better than anyone ever has, he knows when to let me run and when to hold me back-or try to, he always has my back, I can just be "me" with him-completely "me"-whether he likes it or not, he accepts it and tolerates it, I can tell him anything and he never repeats it, never uses it as a weapon, and yes, he does remember these things. I have more fun w/ him than I've ever had w/ anyone in my entire life. He is clever and intelligent and incredibly funny. He makes me laugh and smile-a lot. He is so thoughtful towards me. We can discuss and not fight. We share common interests and beliefs. He opens my mind to perspectives I was never able to see before. He never blames me for his problems-I've gone through that with so many non-As. There is really quite a lot.

I don't know if I like the changes in me. That is just it. I don't like being secretive, esp. w/ him, and I don't know why I suddenly feel the need to. I'm wondering if I'm just mirroring his behavior? I sort of liked the fact that I didn't feel the need to rush to pick up the phone when he calls, or rush to call him back. But maybe that is my way of hurting him? Or keeping him uncertain about me? Or maybe I am simply getting over him?

It's funny you say that about what is going to be, but not really. I almost wrote that I wish that was all I had to deal w/-embarassment, duis, passing out. That would be a piece of cake for me. My issues are emotional. I don't ever get close to anyone. And I have.

I do put yet after violent. I do.

tracy1963

I don't know if I can yet. Yes, he is a J/H-tells me all of the time. Meeting tonight. Not sure how much sharing I'm comfortable with yet, but I'm working on it.

denny57

What?

The picture you paint in this post is very different from the one you do in the first. This one sounds like all the things he makes you "feel" about yourself. The first is the reality of what he does as a person. I understand how confusing it can be.

tracy1963

Sometimes, used to be lots of times, I just do what I want at the time without thinking of the consequences. Sometimes that is a good thing. Other times, not so good. He's shown me how to stop and think when it is important to do so.
Yes, I'm sure part of it has to do with how he makes me feel-I sure don't want to be around someone who brings out the worse in me. He makes me smile when I am down. He is just that kind of person.
He brings out the best in me. I can trust him with things that are important to me. He has encouraged me to do so many things that were right for me when everyone else just told me to give up. (Including finishing my degree-I had a lot going against me at the time) I don't think these are things that reflect him making me feel any particular way. It is the way we communicate.
I enjoy being with him 90% of the time. I am quite happy and independent on my own. I do not and have not ever needed a man in my life to make me happy or to achieve anything. I don't "need" him in my life. I enjoy being with him immensely.

He is an A. His problem is not going to stop on its own. While I enjoy being with him 90% of the time, the other 10% can be hell. And while I don't believe that is really him, it is a very real thing that I have to deal with if I stay. And it is only going to get worse if he doesn't do something about it. The behaviors I've mentioned are getting worse. I'm watching him disappear.

denny57

I see. Are you hoping to get him to do something about it?

tracy1963

I am hoping he will do something about it. He is really struggling right now-I see how hard it is for him and what it is doing to him and that there is not anything I can do about it. It is all him. I've got some decisions to make.

My issues lie in the fact that I am learning how I try to control situations-mostly w/out realizing it. And I've got trust and intimacy issues. The whole feelings thing. These things are in my daily life-not just with him-and were going on long before him. I'm learning to deal with those issues. I've already done most of what I want with my life-family, career, etc. So none of that is an issue. I'm very independent. Sometimes too independent. I've never been w/ an A before and did not grow up around it, though I did grow up around chaos and insanity. This is all new to me and I am starting to learn about me. The alcohol is his issue and he never puts it onto me-at least not intentionally. His behavior is sometimes right in my face, but he doesn't blame me or try to make me feel responsible for him in any way. He's usually pretty good at owning what is his. I like to think I am too, but we don't always see things sometimes.

Thanks so much for the input.