indoldrums

On Christmas Eve, my husband agreed to stop drinking. He had agreed to stop going out with his friends several weeks ago, but after a scary drunk at home episode, he stopped drinking even though he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. He said he would talk to our marriage counselor (he says he did, and I KNOW I did - we were seen separately though) and until we figured it all out, he wouldn't drink.

Here we are, a week and a half later, and he comes home from work so I can have the car. We're on our way out the door - he somehow feels like THIS is the appropriate time to say, "We're going to start gaming again on Tuesday, is that okay?" (gaming is D&D he plays with his buddies from the office after work) I said it was fine - gaming in the office doesn't bother me, and he hasn't spent any time with anyone outside of work for a couple of weeks....and then he said, "Just so you know, I'll probably have one or two beers like I always do when we go gaming, but that'll be it, because I have to drive home."

My response," Uh....ok."

AHHHHHHH!!!!!! The thing is, I know that was the wrong response, but I'm not entirely sure what the RIGHT response would've been.

But wait, there's more.

He then asks me, "Are you still worried about my drinking?"

You see, I've been telling myself everyday as I look in the pantry and see that he hasn't been sneaking any alcohol that maybe he doesn't have a problem after all. Maybe it's just me not being able to trust him....excuses, excuses, excuses.... Of course, this was all in my head when I responded to his question.

"Not so much. It just worries me when you get drunk by yourself in our living room." AHHH! I lost my backbone again!

High and mighty was his response, "Well, that's why I haven't been drinking."

But you're going to drink next week, you tool! You just said so! OMG! Of course, it didn't even occur to me to be angry about this until I got home and started crying. He put me in the most awkward position and I caved. A week and a half ago, I stuck to my guns. I went in there completely prepared and told him exactly how I feel. Today, I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared. He came out of left field and I do what I always do - I lost my backbone.

I don't know which one of us I should be more angry at. What's more - I'm not sure what to do now. Do I confront him? Do I tell him how unfair it was of him to blindside me like that? Do I tell him it's NOT okay and that I still think he has a drinking problem and that I feel just as strongly about it as I did on Christmas Eve?

I am just so angry and confused right now. It probably doesn't help that I haven't gotten to an Al-Anon meeting yet either.

lilac

Just remember that you can't control him, only he can. I know how you feel that you caved in ...... He knows how you feel about everything already !
Asking for your "permission" is just part of his game. Detachment......

indoldrums

But what am I suppose to do when he asks for my permission? That's where I get confused. What response would have been the right response? I know I can't control him - at least, I'm starting to figure that out. But how do I let him know that it's not okay with me while not seeming like I'm trying to control him?

I'm so confused.

denny57

Do you think you're ready to try a meeting? It took me over a year of INSISTING I did not need the help, HE did. I understand that hope that it will all just stop.

((()))

indoldrums

I was already looking through the meeting booklet that was sent to me in the mail. I got it a week ago and tucked it away in my journal and got pushed into looking at it today just after that little run in with him.

I think the only way to figure out how I'm suppose to support him in the appropriate ways without enabling him is to go to al-anon meetings. I also need some personal counseling. My self-esteem is a friggin' wreck, which was further solidified when I spoke to the marriage counselor one on one and he told me that if it weren't for the fact that I'm pregnant, he would say that I'm depressed and should be taking meds. Oh goody! Of course, that made me feel like something's wrong with me, but then I read the verbal abuse article someone posted and it's becoming clearer to me what's really going on in this relationship. It never once occured to me that I was being abused, and even in the situations where it DID occur to me, I pushed it out of my mind because "That's just not possible...it has to be ME." Ugh.

AllTooSober

When asked for my permission, I tell him "It's a free country, you can do what you want."

wild.rice

That's where I get confused, too.

indoldrums

Someone said detachment...so I'm curious...

He's just detached himself from his own personal responsibility about his decision to drink on Tuesday night. By me giving him permission, in his mind, it's not his responsibility, but mine, that he is drinking. Am I right about that? Is that what is meant by "detachment"

So how do I take that back? How do I tell him to take responsibility for his drinking Tuesday or any other time because I am not now, nor will I ever, give him permission to drink as I believe he has a problem whether he chooses to acknowledge it or not? Do I even bring it up again? Because this whole thing is going to blow up in my face later. "You said you weren't so worried about my drinking! You said I could drink on Tuesday night, but here it is Friday night, and suddenly you aren't okay with it?" Then the focus will be all on me. So I'm worried that if I don't say something to him asap, I'm going to be the bad guy. Although, I may be the bad guy either way anyway...

denny57

Except for the pregnancy, that is my story, EXACTLY (though I wouldn't take meds). I have given up being surprised every time my therapist asks "are you aware that is/was abuse?" Now I just laugh. What a difference a year has made for me. Let us know if you make that meeting. It can be scary the first time.

Tally

i think your "uh..ok" response was pretty much ok....you're not giving him permission, nor are you telling him not to do it either...basically try and take the emphasis off you and put the responsibility back on to him...

you dont have to like it or agree with it, but you can't control it...so thats where you're boundries would come into play

indoldrums

You're an adult. You can make your own decisions.

See, I'm afraid I'd get insulting about it, too. Like pick my words in a hostile manner or something. My first instinct, after reading your quote is to say, "Does it matter what I think? You're going to do what you want to do anyway, right?" Because he wasn't really asking for my permission. His words were, "I'm probably going to drink. Is that okay?" He told me he was GOING to do it, and THEN asked my permission. Do you see the difference? BUT, I'm pretty sure those words: "Does it matter what I think? You're going to do what you want to do anyway, right?" - are probably the wrong choice.

To be honest, if I said either of those first two, though, it would spark a fight because that's SO unlike me, and he'd want to know what the deal was. Unless I cave in or get sarcastic, he'll know something's up.

I guess I'm so worried about having a fight with him that I'm not willing to do what's necessary. He's just really good about getting in a fight with me and making me feel weak and paranoid.

indoldrums

I don't want to go on meds. I don't think I need meds, and I already have a history with anti-depressants from when I was in school, and it wasn't a good one. Like I said, I don't think I need them - I just need to get to the point where I can handle this situation for myself...not allow his verbal abuse to bring me down and learn how to cope with his drinking. THAT is what will help my self-esteem.

AllTooSober

I used to worry about that too but I'm careful to keep my tone very matter-of-fact and, if possible, respectful of his ability to run his own life and decisions. It's tough to do, but I figure he's going to hear whatever he wants to anyway so it doesn't really matter what I say.

indoldrums

To be honest, I'm not sure what my exact words were. But I got the feeling that I gave him permission and he knows it.

But I really don't see how saying "Ok" isn't giving him permission. Plus, I guess it depends on the tone I used as well. That makes a difference in what "ok" means. But how can saying "Ok" not make it seem like I'm giving him permission. "Ok" means "It's okay" when it's not. At least, that's how I see it.

And again, I can't remember my exact words. But following that with the weak response to whether or not I think he has a problem just gave him the upper hand and we're headed right back where we started.

indoldrums

"he's going to hear whatever he wants to anyway so it doesn't really matter what I say." - which is how I feel about it exactly anyway, and it's what I want to say to him too.

Nuudawn

I'm with AllTooSober...his problem is his, he is free to choose. It's selfish and unfair of him to try to "bring you in" to his problem...ask permission.
You have to put it back on him. It's his decision to drink and his to quit.
I would say something along the lines of "you are the only one who can answer that question". Always bounce the problem back to its rightful owner. You don't make him drink and you can't make him quit.

AllTooSober

Maybe instead of "okay" you could say "I see" and leave it at that. maybe that wouldn't work in all circumstances but it's an alternative to okay.

embraced2000

i used to be so insulted and flabbergasted when t would ask me that question. and i've said all the wrong, wrong, wrong, things. many times over. it would really frustrate me, too, because it was such an obvious manipulation.

one time i asked him....why would you ask me that question??? what is your intent??? course, that just led to confrontation. i just got so tired of being treated so stupidly.....so i fianally told him....do not ask me that question....

i got tired of figuring out the "right response" to his silly question....and started focusing on what i wanted to say about his question.....and it was STOP ASKING ME THAT QUESTION.

elizabeth1979

AH, the old asking for permission..I had a few hangups here too..I did end up with some favorite responses though.

"I see" always was fitting when a justifcation was going on..
Or just the word "oh" worked well.

As for asking for permission, well, "Im not your mother and you arent a child, so whatever you feel is best for you, is what you should do" came out of my mouth alot.

To me, saying OK, was not condoning his choice, its accepting that its HIS, not mine, and a non-verbal way of me letting him know, Im not going to be a part of that choice.

kermit

You made it further than i did! i only lasted a week, the first time the secound time well i'ts been just about a year. You will find the time for you when enough is enough