kermit

So am I. I can't seem to get motivated. The laundry is pilling up, I have no desire to do anything, except feel sorry for myself. AH has not tried to reach the kids since Christmas day... He said he was working and that he would send money. Nothing yet. I'm fat fatter then I have ever been even pregnant. I know what i need to do yet don't. My sister is a pain. and for the first time I think I hate her. i know that sounds wrong oh well it is how I feel.
I told my Mom for the first time that when i was 14 & pregnant that I was raped, that I was not some ***** or ****, but raped by 4 differnt guys.. she said she always new. Bull $hit. If i knew this about my daughter I woul be out for blood and would have help my daughter wotk thru this.I have a 22yr old son somewhere, I gave him up for addoption. And this is very hard to live with. The kids are good, healthy, fun.I need something to feel good about and I just can't find it right now. Thanks for listening

embraced2000

((((((kermie))))))

i'm so sorry you're having such a bad patch right now. this too shall pass, sweety....remember that.

you don't have to do anything today....just be. hide the laundry. it will wait. take a long hot bath and put on some loose clothes...even if they are jammies....

drink lots of ice water....did you know ice water burns more calories than room temp water....pile up on the couch and watch your favorite movies. fix a bunch of snacks that would be good for you....

durn, i wish i could come to your house....i'd fix you right up for a day....

it will be ok...just breathe, and be. try reading a passage from your al-anon literature.

love to you
jeri

Pick-a-name

((((kermit)))) Oh,my....I'm sorry to hear about your pain from your past ON TOP of everything else. I am glad you were able to tell the truth about the rape,but sorry you did not get the response from your mother. (Perhaps she carries her own pain,denial,helplessness,etc about this,too........I don't know what I would do if my daughter ever told me something like that,esp. many years later...and I pray I never find out!)

As for the totaled house,weight gain,lack of motivation,et,c.,etc............I am right there with you. (Just had my own mini-pity-party and one reason I decided to shift gears and come on here). I know I have to do something (I guess that is progress...before I didn't even care THAT much but I just am so overwhelemed and exhausted and emotionally it drains me every time I start,that it seems worse. My now exAH has volunteered to help me with it...that is good news and bad..haha. We'll see if it ever happens before I waste energy on those thoughts.

Today it feels like I am holding the empty shell of what was my entire adult life. I keep plugging ahead,making small steps in many areas but the destruction is so overwhelming (for us all). It's a process,I know.

Hope you feel better very soon! Wish I could give you a big hug. Know that you are not the only one who feels this way today. I'll keep you in my prayers.

frstnm

sorry you have that to deal with
my ex had something similar happen
I wish my folks had done something for me a long time ago but they didnt
im told not to dwell on it - easier said than done
I guess I can only suggest a therapist, possibly medication and some suport groups - they seemed to have helped my ex and she is struggling with it every day but has become successful and stronger
even though we both have our own issues to deal with and we have agreed that is time that we both need to work on ourselves and ignore some family and friends and get back to living for ourselves
hope this helps
- best

kermit

Jeri, maybe I'll just run away and come see you.... JK thanks for the kind words.
Picka-- hang in there we will get thru all this somehow and be happy again,
I don't dwell on "it" really, Hell I don't even remember it that well.. block from my memmory right where it belongs. Already in thearpy, already taking meds.Got the support group thing down.just need to get motivated again and I will. I just get down once in awhile(you all know that!) Thanks for the replies it helps so much

lilac

Jeri is right...........have a you day. Keep the blinds closed, if you want, put comfie clothes on, watch whatever on tv that makes you happy.......We all need those days, as much as we hate them. The house stuff will wait.

Tomorrow is a new day......Open the blinds tomorrow and let the sunshine in!!!!!

denny57

That sounds like something to feel good about.

I would ask myself: what do I think I need to feel good about myself? and take it from there. This is hard work stuff, kermit, and I know you're strong enough to do it. I think I PM'd you info last year on some avenues - have you thought about that anymore?

((()))

kermit

Oh yes Denny I have and i have gotten some help. I'm okay just alittle blue today.
What I want to do is pack up and take a road trip with my kids for the weekend. just play. i think I'm tired of being home. I just need to come up with something inexpensive to do.

denny57

How about San Diego? Lots of free stuff to do there and great family hotels for cheap.

kermit

Maybe, but then they would want to go to Sea World.

denny57

Well, have you asked them what they'd like to do, but there isn't enough coin to do any of those things? Would they find it fun just to hit the road with mom?

Cynay

Kermit

Lets start with..... You have a daughter right?

Please stop beating yourself up, if that happened to your daughter and she made all the same choices you did .. how would you treat her, and what would you think of her? You deserve no less.

Your rape does not define who you are.... it happened to you, it is not personal and it is not your guilt to carry. You did such a loving and wonderful thing in letting your son go to a family that could not have children. What a beautiful gift you gave someone.... You gave them a Joy like nothing anybody could give them. I so respect your strength in doing that...

When I get into that dark place I have to "force" myself to do one right thing. All I need to do is the next right thing, then Im done... I did it and it felt good and that is all I have to do right now. Maybe a meeting and a cuppa after with someone... An Adult hug does wonders.

I wish I could just give you a hug hon... remember this will pass, we have to stand in the valley before you can climb the mountain and stand at the peak.... you are doing so good, today your just resting ... you are still on your way up.

kermit

Cynay.. you always have the right thimg to say. Ypu bring tears to my eyes. Thank you for your kindness

deax

kermit, I'm sorry to hear about all of this. It sucks when you open up to a crucial person in your life and you don't get the response you hoped for or deserve. It's something I work through in therapy with my own mother. Remember that it says nothing about you, but loads about the other person. We all have our own baggage but we don't need to internalize anyone else's. Once you know what you'll get, you can modify your expectations.

You're doing everything right. Bad patches come, and then they go. Housework can wait; you're in California after all! Go outside with the kids. Hell, going out for pizza and to the park with the kids, or for a walk by the beach might just lift your spirits for today.

It's so grey here in NY. I feel my vitamin D depleting.

WantsOut

I feel your darkness. I go there too sometimes. Lately I've learned to understand that it will pass. Breathe in deeply when it hurts and let the breath out slowly. It sounds silly but it's a yoga thing and it really helps when the pain gets sharp. Please be gentle with yourself. You have a whole new year to start to evolve into the woman you wish to be.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hey Kermie, for different reasons I can say I feel a ditto here. Do not want to do anything house is a wreck, laundry piling ( because the young adults do not do their wash) I refuse to do anything. I said to myself I am depressed I don't care and I am not doing it. I came home from first day back at work yesterday and said to hell with it. I took a shower washed my hair and went to bed. Whatever. I share with you about a mother who says I know when she knows nothing. Never cared to delve any deeper than the surface of the counter top. I find this infuriating for you. Years ago I felt the same reaction. It was of course not for your horrific situation that I am so very sorry that happened to you. (()) It was when I was going through a bad patch several years ago lots of health problems related to stress and anxiety and shared with her how I felt I had lived my life for her financially and emotionally. Her response " You never did anything for me emotionally and very little financially" Right. That is why I just consolidated $40,000 worth of debt. Knowing who to share with and who not to share with can save us alot of heartache. I hope for you a better tomorrow. Irsh

blizzard77

Kermit,
So sorry you feel like crap. I had the 1st and 2nd off (supposed to be my 2nd anniversary) and am back at work today which happens to be my 36th Bday. I look back at my life and think it wasn't supposed to be this way. On the days I had off I stayed in my jammies, watched tv, let all the house work go, took naps and came to SR. Somedays are just harder than others. Hope you're feeling a little better,

kermit

Thanks Blizz Happy Birthday! 36? me too!!!I look back and think 36yrs just how did I get here? Anyway If I were in NC I would take you out to celebrate. Do You have plans?

StandingStrong

Kermit - I don't know about you - but I found for myself that the state of my house often times represents the state of my mind.
I can even think I'm doing okay - but all it takes is one good look around me to see if that's really the truth.
I remember too when xAH moved out - I went on a major cleaning/decluttering spree. I needed to feel in control of something and that was the only thing that I really had control over. And then I realized over a span of time, the better my surroundings are, the better frame of mind I'm in.
Mental chaos is unsettling - but so is physical chaos.

I understand you're feeling alot of emotions and don't feel the motivation to get up and get moving. I'd suggest though you make yourself get up.
You know - don't give him the satisfaction of knowing he's getting to you.
I used to imagine - what if xAH showed up at my door today, would I want him to see how I'm falling apart without him or how bad he still affects me? Heck no - I didn't!

What started out as a motivator for me to be prepared for him - oh yea, I never let a moment go by that I didn't look my best if I thought I may run into him, etc - soon began to feed me the self esteem I needed for myself. When I can come home to a welcoming haven (my home) and feel good about myself for my accomplishments, etc - I feel good about me and that just motivates me all the more to "get a grip" on myself and my life.

You know the saying "Fake it till you make it" - well, it's time for you to apply it!
Are you going to counseling? Alanon? What are you doing for you?

Stop listening to his promises of money and phone calls, etc - his actions speak the loudest. But darlin', you got to remember - so do yours. You deserve better than this so please love yourself and your kids and find happiness.

blizzard77

Nope, no plans. It don't even feel like a birthday. But I'm ok. I will probably watch some TV and go to bed. I did sing happy birthday to me and it was good not sad at all. It's me I'm trying to figure out, it's me who is a codie, so 2007 is a me year. Wish you did live close by. I love ice cream cake the ones with the chocolate jimmies. YUM!!!