Promise broken on wedding day
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ny, NY
Posts: 7
Promise broken on wedding day
Hi I am somewhat new here.
I need advice. It's 2:00 a.m. can't sleep b.c I am having a hard time with all that's on my mind. I recently got married. Everything is great on that end.. its my mother who is not. Here is some background. She is not all mentally that well. I guess it's from years of past drug/alcohol abuse that fried her brain cells. Although she had not been doing heavy narcotics these past 6 or 7 years, her addictions have been changed to prescription pills, oxycodone (sp)? sleeping pills, pain killers mostly.. she is also a "functioning" alcoholic. So.. she promised me that she would not drink on my wedding day.. well folks you guessed it. She did and she had taken a xanax earlier the day of. So the mixture of that loveley combination was traumatic to me. She embarresed me and my husband deeply and hurt me so much that I can't even talk to her right now.. or even think about forgiving her for her behavior.
I myself am going to seek counseling b/c it really is troubling me. I am afraid that she is going to go off the deep end b/c I am not talking to her. You see I can't talk to her.. she is very negative and is very sick and it only makes me physically ill. So, I can not allow that .
I told her the only way I will speak to her again is if I know she is getting mental help as well as help for her addictions. She is also pretty suicidal and I fear of receiving a phone call that something bad will have happened. Her BF is a "functioning" alcholic as well. He is in denial so he can't help her..
I can't help her.. you see I have TRIED many of times in the past. I have a new life with my husband now and I need to not bring this into my marriage to where it affects my relationship.
I feel so hurt and so angry that she did the things she did on my wedding day.. everyone saw her behavior and both our co-workers were there. It was pretty bad folks.. without getting into details. It totally makes me cringe when I think about it. I am very upset over this.. Anyone have some advice or care to talk to me about this? Thanks in advance.
I need advice. It's 2:00 a.m. can't sleep b.c I am having a hard time with all that's on my mind. I recently got married. Everything is great on that end.. its my mother who is not. Here is some background. She is not all mentally that well. I guess it's from years of past drug/alcohol abuse that fried her brain cells. Although she had not been doing heavy narcotics these past 6 or 7 years, her addictions have been changed to prescription pills, oxycodone (sp)? sleeping pills, pain killers mostly.. she is also a "functioning" alcoholic. So.. she promised me that she would not drink on my wedding day.. well folks you guessed it. She did and she had taken a xanax earlier the day of. So the mixture of that loveley combination was traumatic to me. She embarresed me and my husband deeply and hurt me so much that I can't even talk to her right now.. or even think about forgiving her for her behavior.
I myself am going to seek counseling b/c it really is troubling me. I am afraid that she is going to go off the deep end b/c I am not talking to her. You see I can't talk to her.. she is very negative and is very sick and it only makes me physically ill. So, I can not allow that .
I told her the only way I will speak to her again is if I know she is getting mental help as well as help for her addictions. She is also pretty suicidal and I fear of receiving a phone call that something bad will have happened. Her BF is a "functioning" alcholic as well. He is in denial so he can't help her..
I can't help her.. you see I have TRIED many of times in the past. I have a new life with my husband now and I need to not bring this into my marriage to where it affects my relationship.
I feel so hurt and so angry that she did the things she did on my wedding day.. everyone saw her behavior and both our co-workers were there. It was pretty bad folks.. without getting into details. It totally makes me cringe when I think about it. I am very upset over this.. Anyone have some advice or care to talk to me about this? Thanks in advance.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Sorry to hear of how things went on your wedding day.
I think you have things in proper order.
Stay away because she is toxic to any relationship.
Seeking support and help for yourself.
Good persepective on where she is at right now.
Good boundries where they need be.
Only thing I can see you could improve things on...
Let go of any fear about what she may do. Place her in God's hands.
Her drinking and addiction can be seen as a slow suicide. You know you have tried stopping that and found you can't (only she can when wanted)
So you have given that much over to God, now look to let go of any other fears as well.
I think you have things in proper order.
Stay away because she is toxic to any relationship.
Seeking support and help for yourself.
Good persepective on where she is at right now.
Good boundries where they need be.
Only thing I can see you could improve things on...
Let go of any fear about what she may do. Place her in God's hands.
Her drinking and addiction can be seen as a slow suicide. You know you have tried stopping that and found you can't (only she can when wanted)
So you have given that much over to God, now look to let go of any other fears as well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ny, NY
Posts: 7
Thank you for your response. I do realize that she is in God's hands now but I am still very worried.. she can become very sick to the point where she will try and hurt herself..I feel these worries that if something were to happen.. I would feel guilty and completely go numb.. But you are right.. it's not in my hands.. and I need to deal with these feelings and let her go. Thanks again.
I am 31 and she has been doing this to me all my life.. It's time I start worrying about me and my life..
I am 31 and she has been doing this to me all my life.. It's time I start worrying about me and my life..
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by Thegirlnextdoor 
I am 31 and she has been doing this to me all my life.. It's time I start worrying about me and my life..
We don't cause it.
We can't cure it.
We can't change it.
31 years... Yes it sure does seem like time to let go and not feel guilty about doing so.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 5
TheGirlNextDoor
I was raised by two alcoholic parents and know how you feel. One night at midnight, my Dad call me and told me my Mother was dead. She was not sick and no one was expecting this. My Dad almost committed suicide because of guilt feelings. Thank goodness my Mom and I were on very good terms at that time. I am so glad of that. Make sure that if something does happen to you Mother that you will not have any guilt feelings. You can even write her a letter and let her know your feelings, but also let her know how much you love her and what she has to do to continue a relationship with you. That way you don't have to talk to her.
I hope this will be of some help to you. Congratulations on your marriage and the best of luck in the future. Kor
I was raised by two alcoholic parents and know how you feel. One night at midnight, my Dad call me and told me my Mother was dead. She was not sick and no one was expecting this. My Dad almost committed suicide because of guilt feelings. Thank goodness my Mom and I were on very good terms at that time. I am so glad of that. Make sure that if something does happen to you Mother that you will not have any guilt feelings. You can even write her a letter and let her know your feelings, but also let her know how much you love her and what she has to do to continue a relationship with you. That way you don't have to talk to her.
I hope this will be of some help to you. Congratulations on your marriage and the best of luck in the future. Kor
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Birthplace of Rock & Roll, Home of the Blues
Posts: 233
Hey GND!
Welcome!
I know it really stinks when the A's in our lives manage to create a scene/situation/drama at important events in our lives. My A brother managed to do that on my wedding day & the day after. In all honesty they are usually very selfish people with a horrid progressive disease... but that realization doesn't do much when you are still hurting from their behavior.
You can't change her, you can't cure her, etc...
If you talk to her and really feel she is a danger to herself... call 911 and tell them she has gone off the deep end.
Welcome!
I know it really stinks when the A's in our lives manage to create a scene/situation/drama at important events in our lives. My A brother managed to do that on my wedding day & the day after. In all honesty they are usually very selfish people with a horrid progressive disease... but that realization doesn't do much when you are still hurting from their behavior.
You can't change her, you can't cure her, etc...
If you talk to her and really feel she is a danger to herself... call 911 and tell them she has gone off the deep end.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
God has given you this beautiful new pristine life right in the face of your mothers broken promises. Don't contaminate it. Nothing you can say or do will change her course, as she consumed your wedding day, she will consume your marriage. You stood at the alter pledging the course of your life to this man who endured your humiliation. You can't keep her from drinking or killing herself. She'd like for you believe otherwise. She needs to sit in what she did. You didn't mention an apology. Thank God for your new husband and take you life in that direction. An entire congregation witnessed her behavior, let one of them set her straight if they choose to. Are you going backward or forward?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Ny, NY
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by mallowcup
God has given you this beautiful new pristine life right in the face of your mothers broken promises. Don't contaminate it. Nothing you can say or do will change her course, as she consumed your wedding day, she will consume your marriage. You stood at the alter pledging the course of your life to this man who endured your humiliation. You can't keep her from drinking or killing herself. She'd like for you believe otherwise. She needs to sit in what she did. You didn't mention an apology. Thank God for your new husband and take you life in that direction. An entire congregation witnessed her behavior, let one of them set her straight if they choose to. Are you going backward or forward?
My sober Aunt from CA who came to my wedding told her how she behaved. My other Aunt told her as well. I also told her the things she did. She does not remember a thing. Quite sad how she missed out on her daughters wedding day. I feel so embarresed by her behavior. My in laws know what a messed up mother and family I have now.. it's just so embarresing. Well, you are right, I have to live my life now and move on. I can't let her consume my marriage or hurt me anymore.. Thank goodness I found this site to express my feelings and thank you posters who are helping me cope right now.
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
GND...
You are doing exactly the right thing cutting ties with your Mom. Her actions on your most important day made you hit your bottom with her addiction...
She will cry and beg your forgiveness, but its to late. I would just tell her that you have reached the end of your rope with her addiction and until she gets help, real help, not false promises, you cannot for the sake of your marriage have any further contact with her. I know its hard, but she broke the straw when she ruined your wedding day...
Who knows, she may realize that she herself hit bottom with her antics. Just never blame yourself for this falling out. You have been putting up with her insanity for 31 years. Enough is enough...
Best of luck with you and your new life...
One day at a time.
Steve
You are doing exactly the right thing cutting ties with your Mom. Her actions on your most important day made you hit your bottom with her addiction...
She will cry and beg your forgiveness, but its to late. I would just tell her that you have reached the end of your rope with her addiction and until she gets help, real help, not false promises, you cannot for the sake of your marriage have any further contact with her. I know its hard, but she broke the straw when she ruined your wedding day...
Who knows, she may realize that she herself hit bottom with her antics. Just never blame yourself for this falling out. You have been putting up with her insanity for 31 years. Enough is enough...
Best of luck with you and your new life...
One day at a time.
Steve
Rinnie's Grandpa
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Pylesville Maryland
Posts: 1,273
GND...
If she shows up at your house, I would calmly explain to her your disgust and hurt at her actions and tell her that until she gets professional help that she is not to come around again...
I would not get into a shout fest with her, just calmly explain to her that she is a threat to your marriage and you are not going to risk that...
As a good addict, she will try to put the blame on you or your husband, but as you know that is just her addiction talking...
I would ask the questions about the difference between the two drugs over on the substance abuse forum. Many knowledgeable people over there...
Stay Strong and Positive...
Protect you marriage at all costs...
One day at a time.
Steve
If she shows up at your house, I would calmly explain to her your disgust and hurt at her actions and tell her that until she gets professional help that she is not to come around again...
I would not get into a shout fest with her, just calmly explain to her that she is a threat to your marriage and you are not going to risk that...
As a good addict, she will try to put the blame on you or your husband, but as you know that is just her addiction talking...
I would ask the questions about the difference between the two drugs over on the substance abuse forum. Many knowledgeable people over there...
Stay Strong and Positive...
Protect you marriage at all costs...
One day at a time.
Steve
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