sore tongue
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
sore tongue
he called this morn.....wished me happy new year. he was sober. wants to know if we will ever have a chance of being together again.
i said sure....i love you....but i need a sober partner, and a partner who has been able to live by himself and take care of himself.
he says, i've been sober since i got arrested. i say that's really wonderful. he says, i'm living with a friend....long story short....the friend is the woman. but she's not the deal, he says....
i kept calm and said...i know you are doing what you think you have to do....but it's not what i want.
well, you want me not as i am, but who you want me to be....he says.
so i say....you do not have to change anything....but your life choices are not what i want in my life.
so he starts in getting just a little angry...saying like king kong.....i will not change who i am for anyone.
i say.....that's fine, tom....you do not have to. i love you, please take care, and be well.
end of conversation
and i did not spin out of control....i've remained calm....kept my tongue in check....and felt sad about how his conversation sounded so profoundly manipulative....and so immature.....and how i could almost hear his alcoholism wheeling and dealing.
got to play those tapes all the way through, or i'll be baking him a chocolate cake and fixing potato salad.
love to all
jeri
i said sure....i love you....but i need a sober partner, and a partner who has been able to live by himself and take care of himself.
he says, i've been sober since i got arrested. i say that's really wonderful. he says, i'm living with a friend....long story short....the friend is the woman. but she's not the deal, he says....
i kept calm and said...i know you are doing what you think you have to do....but it's not what i want.
well, you want me not as i am, but who you want me to be....he says.
so i say....you do not have to change anything....but your life choices are not what i want in my life.
so he starts in getting just a little angry...saying like king kong.....i will not change who i am for anyone.
i say.....that's fine, tom....you do not have to. i love you, please take care, and be well.
end of conversation
and i did not spin out of control....i've remained calm....kept my tongue in check....and felt sad about how his conversation sounded so profoundly manipulative....and so immature.....and how i could almost hear his alcoholism wheeling and dealing.
got to play those tapes all the way through, or i'll be baking him a chocolate cake and fixing potato salad.
love to all
jeri
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Jeri,
You done good girl! I like how you handled that, and didn't let him get an emotional reaction. Wonderful recovery....and a very good example for a 'newcomer' to read of how to handle the manipulating.
You put it very nicely, that it's not 'who he is' but 'what he does' that's the problem.
You done good girl! I like how you handled that, and didn't let him get an emotional reaction. Wonderful recovery....and a very good example for a 'newcomer' to read of how to handle the manipulating.
well, you want me not as i am, but who you want me to be....he says.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
I just truly love threads like this. One where I can see recovery in progress, see where one does not allow another to get the best of them, and keeps their serenity!
Ahh.... recovery in action! progress resuming!!!!!!!!
Good for you embraced! you did great!
(maybe ice cream, a popsicle, or some really cold iced tea will make your tongue stop hurting!
) you did awesome!
Ahh.... recovery in action! progress resuming!!!!!!!!
Good for you embraced! you did great!
(maybe ice cream, a popsicle, or some really cold iced tea will make your tongue stop hurting!
) you did awesome!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Blacksburg, VA
Posts: 191
got to play those tapes all the way through, or i'll be baking him a chocolate cake and fixing potato salad.
__________________________________________________ _________--
Spiritual truth if ever I saw it.
I like your way with words!!
__________________________________________________ _________--
Spiritual truth if ever I saw it.
I like your way with words!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
wellllll....considering just a few days ago i was a raging lunatic, throwing spears of sarcasm and anger his way......i guess i feel much better by not letting myself do that again....i was so angry for days, and it just bout wore me out...was so dissappointed in myself and my quest for recovery...and hurt that i lashed out so horribly to a person who is undeniably sick.
don't want to go back there. trouble is, and i know it's my issue, if i start thinking appropriately about him and his alcoholism....instead of thinking angry....i begin to want to start on a huge rescue mission and wrap him in quilts. know what i mean???
anger is my tool for distancing myself from him,,,,,,,but the anger hurts me....sets me back.
love to all
jeri
don't want to go back there. trouble is, and i know it's my issue, if i start thinking appropriately about him and his alcoholism....instead of thinking angry....i begin to want to start on a huge rescue mission and wrap him in quilts. know what i mean???
anger is my tool for distancing myself from him,,,,,,,but the anger hurts me....sets me back.
love to all
jeri
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: asia
Posts: 45
1st off I love the title to your post.... LOL.
As has been said, Wow! I think you provided me with a wonderful map on how to navigate what can be treacherous, treacherous waters. Thank you and Congratulations! Are you basking in how good you did? Wow!
As has been said, Wow! I think you provided me with a wonderful map on how to navigate what can be treacherous, treacherous waters. Thank you and Congratulations! Are you basking in how good you did? Wow!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Montvale, VA
Posts: 35
Anger is not always a negative emotion, Jeri.
You have a right to be angry. From my way out there and removed viewpoint, it is not your anger that upsets you, it is your reaction to it. You don't like losing control, but you don't want to be his doormat either. You did an excellent job of using your anger in a productive way. Remember the anger but don't give into its underside, later it will turn to cool resolve. Remember this feeling. If you make potato salad, leave out the pickle relish and I'll come eat it with you. (Ok, that was a little far fetched, but you get the picture.) You did well. Congratulate yourself and eat all of the chocolate cake yourself.
Roni
Roni
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Wish I knew what goes on with them, He may have been in a blackout, or deceided you could not possibably mean it. Each A is different.
Total freak show. IMO their brains are so foggy that they don't remember much of anything.
Thats why they repeat and repeat the same thing over and over.
To be fair sometimes I tell the same person the same thing a coupe of times, but not all in the same night. LOL
They do not know when they are in a blackout, no one would be able to tell. Many don't remember how they got home, so they look out to see if their car is there. Some then go check for dents etc, cause they don't remember leaving the bar. You no doubt have heard this at AA meetings.
Total freak show. IMO their brains are so foggy that they don't remember much of anything.
Thats why they repeat and repeat the same thing over and over.
To be fair sometimes I tell the same person the same thing a coupe of times, but not all in the same night. LOL
They do not know when they are in a blackout, no one would be able to tell. Many don't remember how they got home, so they look out to see if their car is there. Some then go check for dents etc, cause they don't remember leaving the bar. You no doubt have heard this at AA meetings.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Awesome jeri, you should be proud of yourself
Well if you ever feel like you can't stop yourself from baking and fixing.... I'll gladly help you dispose of the cake and salad
Mike
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
... or i'll be baking him a chocolate cake and fixing potato salad....
Mike
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
"baking him a chocolate cake and fixing potato salad."
How about I do something to intentionally make you mad at me and then you can relieve your guilt by baking me a cake and fixing me some potato salad? Oh, and I like pickle relish in my potato salad and prefer double-chocolate cake with chocolate fudge frosting and chocolate curls on top. Would that be asking too much, or would I need to get you really fired up?
How about I do something to intentionally make you mad at me and then you can relieve your guilt by baking me a cake and fixing me some potato salad? Oh, and I like pickle relish in my potato salad and prefer double-chocolate cake with chocolate fudge frosting and chocolate curls on top. Would that be asking too much, or would I need to get you really fired up?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
...cake? There's cake in here? Hey! How come we never have cake over in the F&FSA rooms, huh? That's ok... I'll just stop by wheneve Jeri's feeling a little codependent.... ((hugs))
Thanks for the post, girl... you got some nice looking recovery going on here!
((Jeri))
Thanks for the post, girl... you got some nice looking recovery going on here!
((Jeri))
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Congratulations Jeri, on your strong stand and not giving in to your weakness, your anger to help distance yourself.
I could tell that you felt much better about yourself after this phone call than the last, not that he didn't deserve everything you said last time.
Best wishes Jeri, and oh chocolate cake and potato salad are two of my favorite foods.
I could tell that you felt much better about yourself after this phone call than the last, not that he didn't deserve everything you said last time.
Best wishes Jeri, and oh chocolate cake and potato salad are two of my favorite foods.
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