GirlInterrupted

Well a couple accually, but my main one is this;; 1) To learn to love myself -and reallyy love myself-

Last night he didn't call me for new years, which i knew he wouldn't do because he would be drunk. And he either hates me when he is drunk or is crying about suicide when he is drunk. But then when i went to bed i had a dream and I was with him in a room and he was begging for me back. I kept telling him no and he wouldn't give in. So finally we decided to lay on the couch and watch a movie *my favorite movie* && he was holding me. I said "i've missed this" && he said "me too", then i looked up at him and his face was like a monster. I woke up right after and the first thing I thought was "i cried more last new years having him than i did this new years without him...that can't be love". And now, i feel at peace. It's strange. I keep having dreams like that and when i wake up i feel okay about it. ((like i had one where it was new years and he was being really mean and beat me with a beer bottle, and another one I was at a school that were teaching whales how to fly. I was in the middle of a big city && i was waiting for him to come get me. He never showed, because he had totaled his 4th car from drinking and driving && the money someone gave him to give to me to get a cab he spent on alcohol.)) && after both those dreams i woke up feeling -okay- as if i didn't need his drama around me anymore.

I know it's going to take a while to get myself to the point where i don't believe that he is the only person who could ever love me. And i know that finding ME is going to be hard && maybe even painful. But i know it's something i have to do. Because i refuse to ever be a 'victim' (if that's what I was) again.


Now that that's out...how was everyonse new yearss?!?!

sketscher

I can identify with you.

xabf didn't call me either. I'm relieved and disapointed at once. But the pain of being alone is better than the pain inflicted by someone you love.

Dreams are such an excellent way to gain experience aren't they? It's sometimes like your brain telling you something that your heart doesn't want to accept. I used to dream all the time about xabf's and his ex-wife moreso because I have a great deal of fear for her.

Maybe You should keep a dream journal. That would be really interesting.

BigSis

Excellent insight, sketscher...

(((GirlInterrupted))))

mallowcup

What steps will you take to find yourself? When you wake up tomorrow, what will you do differently? I know you object to therapy and counceling as your search has stopped in finding one. Are you reading any material that could help? How do you feel about church?

Ronron

You are obviously very introspective. Where do you think you are? Where do you think you are hiding? How will you find yourself? Dreams are a good way of understanding the subconcious. Listen to them. I like that you are here. Thank you for that.

Roni

DesertEyes

Sounds like a great plan. Here's how I go about doing exactly that.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ner-child.html

Mike

GirlInterrupted

sketscher:: "xabf didn't call me either. I'm relieved and disapointed at once. But the pain of being alone is better than the pain inflicted by someone you love."

Exsactly!! And i think the fact that i can understand that now is really bringing me closer to getting over this whole ordeal.



mallowcup:: "What steps will you take to find yourself? When you wake up tomorrow, what will you do differently? I know you object to therapy and counceling as your search has stopped in finding one. Are you reading any material that could help? How do you feel about church?"

Well the steps i am going to take to find myself are small, but important to me. Like getting back to the things i love. Writing, reading, cooking, doing all the things I pretty much stopped doing when i lost who i was or could be. Well,, since it is tomorrow, today when i woke up i didn't really do anything differently....i can't do anything until i have my coffee so i had to have that as usual. But i didnt run to my phone to see if he called, which i usually do every 5 minutes. And last night i went out with some friends for the first time in a long time and accually had fun. I am looking for books to help me as we speak;; concidering the fact that i love to read it shouldn't be hard to find onse i like, but i live in a very small town so the library's selection of books it's that great. How do i feel about going to church???? not good, i do not like orginized religion, or people telling me how i need to live my life, or if i smoke or have sex i am going to h*** or people deciding because i am young compared to the majority of adults (im 18) that i don't know much. It's not easy for me to find a church i like because when i go i feel like i am hearing the same thing over and over and over again. When the truth is, if someone has a REAL relationship with God and they are preaching, no 2 preachers/pastors should sound the same. Because everyonse relationship with god is different.





Ronron:: "Where do you think you are? Where do you think you are hiding? How will you find yourself? Dreams are a good way of understanding the subconcious."

I agree entirely! I accually study dream interpitation && art interpitation as well ((in my spare time)) i have manyy books on it. Which is way i HAD to mention those dreams, because i knew they ment something important. And i knew the little voice in the back of my head that always said "your better off without him" -which i ignored- was really pounding at my mind. Thinking i am better off without him always made me feel selfish and concided. But, i am realizing now there is a fine line between love && need && not being able to seperate the two can accually get me into an unhealthy relationship. because it's okay to need, and it's okay to love. But it's NOT okay to NEED to be LOVED so bad that i put up with being hurt and abused.

deax

Wow- I made a list of intentions for 2007 that I sent out into the universe on New Year's Eve night just before midnight-- and this was my number 1, too.

GirlInterrupted

It's a very empowering resolution. Just saying makes me feel like there is hope for th future.

mallowcup

You seem to have very convicted conclusions. Would you agree that a person who wants life to change would have to be open to a different perspective?