If i am codependent, wouldn't that mean i am responsable?

Old 12-29-2006, 04:57 PM
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If i am codependent, wouldn't that mean i am responsable?

I understand that i may have a problem being codependent ((concidering the fact that i show all the signs)). But wouldn't being codependent make it my problem for getting into an abusive relationship with an alcoholic my fault?? Cause really i allowed him to abuse me;; and i dated him just like he dated me. && i allowed myself to fall in love with him. So am i responsable for the damage thats done? Or is no one to blame?

Realising all this stuff is kind of confusing. There's so much i can learn and can do. But at the same time it's really scarey because living the way i did was like a saftey net even though it hurt me in the end. And now, without my safety net, where do i fall?

I know his problems are out of my hands. I just wish i never got involved with him in the first place..not HIM, just his problems. I love HIM, just not what he is becoming. As much as i should hate him, i don't think i could accually hate anyone.

it's wierd... after all the people i have tried to help in my life (including my Aex-bf) i really never thought i'd have to save myself.
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:17 PM
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No you shouldn't hate him, he has an untreated disease. Lord, your mom wouldn't have fed your dad all those pork chops with gravy if she had known what it was doing to his heart. We act on what we know. We learn as we go. We change as we apply this information. Don't hate him, pray for him. There is a truth you have just learned, you are the only one who can ever save you.
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:27 PM
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you know what you are responsible for? Look in the mirror. You are responsible for your life, your happiness and health. As for anyone else, let go and let God.
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:39 PM
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I agree with Sketcher. My codependancy issues began before I even met G. b/c of those issues, my codependancy only got worse. Once I recognized where my issues began and what I could do to control it, I got better.

Have you ever heard of the saying, you can run but you can't hide. No matter where you go or who you meet you will always have to deal with yourself. Focus on YOU. Not on your relationship or where that relationship went wrong.....focus on YOU.
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Old 12-29-2006, 05:43 PM
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Awareness and acceptance that I am responsible was the beginning of great things for me. Hope it is for you, too!
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Old 12-29-2006, 07:17 PM
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Responsibility and blame are two different things. Accepting responsibility for yourself is healthy, but accepting blame for someone else's problems is not.

yes, you did allow him to abuse you, and you did choose to fall in love with him. But that's empowering really; you can choose to do differently now and not be a victim anymore. You can choose to not allow him to hurt you anymore and you can choose to not get into another dysfunctional relationship like this one.

Getting into an abusive relationship with an alkie is your problem, definitely. no one can force you into a relationship you don't want to be in! but it's not your fault. You didn't know any better at the time. A problem is something that can be fixed. Fault means blame, or accepting responsibility for someone else's problem that you can't control.

You are the only one who CAN save you!
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Old 12-29-2006, 07:29 PM
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Denny57:: Well i feel like it is getting someone, or will. I'm finally realizing i have issues to work on and no matter how many times i try to fix someone && how good it makes me feel trying to help them (even if they treat me like dirt). at the end of the day i am still stuck being me, and if i dont learn to love myself then the stuff i have gone threw will only repeat, it's inevitable. In the end its okay to love people && accept them for who they are, but not let them walk all over me. I can't protect other people from themselves, i can only protect me from them (and myself). Even though i have come to the realization of that, getting to the other side of this is still going to be hard.

JessicaNAJ:: My codependency began when i was very young too. Which is why i think all the relationships i have been in have been abusive ((but this IS the first alcoholic i dated)). I accually think it began before i was born concidering the fact that my mom is EXSACTLY **and i mean we could have been cloned** like me. Maybe it was a learned behavior i was bound to get from her. But dont get me wrong, i am not trying to blame her for it or anything. I love her veryyyy much.

Mellowcup:: What does a porkchop have to do with this. And my mom may have not fed him pork chops knowing it would hurt him....but i sure would && will!
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Old 12-29-2006, 07:36 PM
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Originally Posted by mushroom View Post
You can choose to not allow him to hurt you anymore and you can choose to not get into another dysfunctional relationship like this one.
well i am not sure that there is such a thing as a NONdysfunctional realtionship in all honesty.

&& i am not sure i want there to be a -next time-

right now i am just determined to get out of this rut i feel like i am in.
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Old 12-29-2006, 07:50 PM
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There was a time I had a really big rut. I built it very high with x-tra thick walls.
I would'nt let anyone in, it was my rut, I worked hard to get it. Im fact after some time the rut got so big on its own it would follow me to work,to meetings and it got heavy when I decided to carry it.

It took me at least 2 years to come to the point that the rut was going to control everything I did unless I got rid of it.
So after 900 meetings, readings, friends, people here and fixing that crack in the mirror , I let the rut go.
It will visit me from time to time, but it wont get me like before.
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Old 12-30-2006, 06:50 AM
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You are responsible for your side of the street and your disease but not him and not his disease. If you work on yourself to get better you'll find that is the solution.


Ngaire
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Old 12-30-2006, 07:10 AM
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Amen to the above. You got into the relationship and if you stay in, it is your problem, not his.

But you are not responsible for him, his alcoholism, his recovery or sickness. Nor are you responsible for anyone else's happiness. It is not selfish to live your life to please yourself. It is selfish to expect others to live their lives to please you. There is much freedom in being responsible for my own life, my own growth, and my own recovery.
Jim

Last edited by jimhere; 12-30-2006 at 07:10 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 12-30-2006, 09:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr. Christian View Post
There was a time I had a really big rut. I built it very high with x-tra thick walls.
I would'nt let anyone in, it was my rut, I worked hard to get it. Im fact after some time the rut got so big on its own it would follow me to work,to meetings and it got heavy when I decided to carry it.

It took me at least 2 years to come to the point that the rut was going to control everything I did unless I got rid of it.
So after 900 meetings, readings, friends, people here and fixing that crack in the mirror , I let the rut go.
It will visit me from time to time, but it wont get me like before.

But if i don't build a wall, won't i become suseptable to being in a relationship/situation that i am in now? Since i feel like my heart is breaking that makes me vunerable, if i don't push people out then they will have the advantage over me (strength) and be able to take advantage of me.
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Old 12-30-2006, 09:58 AM
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Originally Posted by jimhere View Post
Amen to the above. You got into the relationship and if you stay in, it is your problem, not his.

But you are not responsible for him, his alcoholism, his recovery or sickness. Nor are you responsible for anyone else's happiness.

But if i don't stay, and he gets worse && then blames it all on me (again) how do i NOT let that get to me?


Originally Posted by jimhere View Post
It is not selfish to live your life to please yourself. It is selfish to expect others to live their lives to please you.
Jim

But in all honesty, i dont think anyone will ever be able to please me. I know that sounds weird, but to me i am too complicated to be pleased && I can't even please me. So i focus on pleasing others cause it gives me a bit of satifaction that i don't feel by making myself happy or letting others make me happy.
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Old 12-30-2006, 12:15 PM
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I don't preceive you as being complicated. I do see you as a person who is hard to please, which makes sense. If you can find something wrong enough with everyone else, you can put diatance between your self and them. These are all choices, including who enters and effects your life. There may be all there disappointments but there is only one face looking back at you in the mirror. My question to you is simple. Do you want to change the choices you make and the outcomes or are you making statements about you are the way you are?
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Old 12-30-2006, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
My question to you is simple. Do you want to change the choices you make and the outcomes or are you making statements about you are the way you are?
Yes i do.. I want to be the person i know I can be. Not the person that i have become by letting the circumstances in my life make the choices for me.

&& in all honesty, i could very well be NOT easy to please. Accually I could be very hard to please... Maybe without realizing it the exspectations i place on myself i end up placing on others. Wow i really sound like a true virgo.
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Old 12-30-2006, 03:43 PM
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I'm a firm believe that no matter who your mother is or what star you were born under, or what choices you have made in the past. They can be used as excuses, mistakes or as growth experiences. Which page will become longer? Your parents? Your neigborhood? Your income level? Your birth sign? The weather? How smart or dumb you are, how rich or poor you are, how easy or complicated you are, how easy or hard you are to please? This is all a part of the "stuff" that you need to bundle up and leave in a heap by the side of the road. In truth, you are capable. You are intelligent. You are not a vicitm. You will face tomorrow morning being whoever you decide to be woth arms and legs and a brain that function and will carry you where ever you decide you want to go. As the sun rises, so will the person you decide you want to be and no one else. You can be happy, easy to please, you can bring joy to someone, you can a person who has set themself and everyone else free. You can refuse to keep looking back and going back. Life moves forward. You can move forward having every single person who crosses your path either happier or uneffected. You do not have to be effected or devastated by them. You can be one person tonight and a new creature when you rise. Do you understand the power you have in your own life?
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Old 12-30-2006, 08:39 PM
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Old 12-31-2006, 07:41 AM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
I'm a firm believe that no matter who your mother is or what star you were born under, or what choices you have made in the past. They can be used as excuses, mistakes or as growth experiences. Which page will become longer? Your parents? Your neigborhood? Your income level? Your birth sign? The weather? How smart or dumb you are, how rich or poor you are, how easy or complicated you are, how easy or hard you are to please?
I accually the stars have a lot to do with a person. I don't think that their sign makes them who they are or should affect the decisions they make. But for me, studying my sign and astrology helps me understand a lot more about me that i never knew was there, accually it helps me understand a lot more about the world i never knew was there.

Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
This is all a part of the "stuff" that you need to bundle up and leave in a heap by the side of the road. In truth, you are capable. You are intelligent. You are not a vicitm. You will face tomorrow morning being whoever you decide to be woth arms and legs and a brain that function and will carry you where ever you decide you want to go. As the sun rises, so will the person you decide you want to be and no one else. You can be happy, easy to please, you can bring joy to someone, you can a person who has set themself and everyone else free. You can refuse to keep looking back and going back. Life moves forward. You can move forward having every single person who crosses your path either happier or uneffected. You do not have to be effected or devastated by them. You can be one person tonight and a new creature when you rise. Do you understand the power you have in your own life?

I do strongly believe with what you are saying. I mean i see that other people have that power, i just never thought i had the power to control my life like they did...
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Old 12-31-2006, 09:34 AM
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Do you really need the stars to tell you who you are? I think a good measure of what you put your faith in, is the result it brings. If you think that astrology is a means of better understanding yourself, I'd have to ask how it's going? You have power over your own life. Verbally making yourself exempt to that fact, just doesn't change that truth. You have power. I accept no other truth or excuse. Now, what choices will you make? Do you suppose that maybe you only posture when you know you can win? Just a question.
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Old 12-31-2006, 10:00 AM
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Originally Posted by mallowcup View Post
Do you really need the stars to tell you who you are? I think a good measure of what you put your faith in, is the result it brings. If you think that astrology is a means of better understanding yourself, I'd have to ask how it's going? You have power over your own life. Verbally making yourself exempt to that fact, just doesn't change that truth. You have power. I accept no other truth or excuse. Now, what choices will you make? Do you suppose that maybe you only posture when you know you can win? Just a question.

I think the stars tell me a lot about who i CAN be, but not who i am. Cause i can make a choice if i do or don't want to be that way.

To answer your question its going fine, because all my faith isn't in it. I do believe in what the stars say, but i also believe the stars are only there because God put them there. So what they say, is the message he brings. I think people put to much emphasis on choices, when if we look at nature and what god is trying to tell us through simple little things (dreams, stars, the sky ect...) we can find our answers easily because he is there.

I know i have power over my own life...i am just trying to get to the point where i feel emotionally strong enough. because i will win when i decide i am going to win no matter what battle it is. But at this moment in my life, i am begining to get my fight back that i lost a long time ago. The truth is, i am probally a veryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy stuborn person. Which is why for someone who is so assertive it's so strange i fell prey to an abusive alcoholic.
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