mallowcup

Win what?

GirlInterrupted

"Do you suppose that maybe you only posture when you know you can win?"

i was saying if i want to win i am going to.

mallowcup

I understand that, win what? You say you have measured and "it's going fine". From what I've read I missed the part that's going fine, Can you explain?

Nuudawn

You may be stubborn...but are you truly assertive? An assertive person knows their boundaries..and more importantly, how to assert them.
And when you "do" for others...does it genuinely make you happy without expectation of return or approval? Do you do for others so they will like and approve of you....or do you do for others cuz it makes you feel some sort of control in situations? If you focus on the needs of others, you don't have to focus on yourself. You can fool yourself into believing that "you're okay"...when clearly something deep within you likely needs to be addressed.

Is that not the nature of co-dependency? We want to do for others ...usually at the price of ourselves. I'm an alcoholic...with only 3 weeks sobriety... I have so much work to do..so many issues it's dizzying...but ya know what I'm focussing and obsessing on?.....my still drunk ex boyfriend. I got enough of my own to worry about...and believe me, he ain't worrying about me.

mallowcup

Nuudawn, you're sounding awfully healthy. You also make good sense.

GirlInterrupted

Nuudawn:: "And when you "do" for others...does it genuinely make you happy without expectation of return or approval?"

I do for others cause i feel better about myself when i do. There isn't much that can accually make me feel good, so i focus on that because it's possibly the ONE thing that gives me some confidence.

I am assertive, well i use to be. I am not sure if i am anymore though cause i kinda seemed to lose myself in this last relationship...which i have been trying to exsplain.


"I'm an alcoholic...with only 3 weeks sobriety"

3 weeks of sobriety is better than no sobriety.

GirlInterrupted

My life is going fine...well for the post part. I mean, i need work ((obviously)) but everyone does. And as of right now i feel like at the moment my life is okay. It hurts not having -him- && i can't wait for the day when i don't get sick to my stomache when i think of him. But that will all come in time.. hopefully.

denny57

GI, are you frustrated because some of the responses you're receiving don't seem to "get" it, no matter how much you try to explain?

GirlInterrupted

YES!!! thank you!! i feel like people are exspecting me to just suck it up and get to the other side but what they need to understand is just because they may be in a better place than i am mentally or emotionally doesn't mean i am going to be able to get there tomorrow. I am willing to work for it..but it's not going to happen right away. To get to the "other side" i have to completely change my state of mind and that's not an easy thing to do.

jimhere

Now you are getting it-it is not about him, it is about you and your perception. If you are expecting him to change so you can get well, you are in for a long wait. There is a statement in the book Alcoholics Anonymous which is a great statement of hope for a self-seeking person (of which I am one). It reads: "So our troubles we think are of our own making. They arise from ourselves..." That means that all along I've blamed my troubles on the way I was raised, on my circumstances, on other people, etc. In other words I blamed the disturbance that arises from within on things without. If it was about other people changing or admitting they were wrong, some people would have to come back to life.

Some take this as a self-destructive, let's see what a terrible rotten person I am statement. I see the positive side of it-thank God my troubles are of my own making because no one else has to change or the world around me doesn't have to change so I can get well. All it takes is a simple change in perception, which I find in the inventory process or the 4th Step of recovery outlined the 12 Steps in that book. Great news!
Jim

GirlInterrupted

This question may sound wierd..but do the 12 steps accually work?? I mean i am not an alcoholic or anything so i have never had to read them...so i am just wondering if they do.

jimhere

Yes they work. I am an alcoholic and they work for me. I am living proof. But a person doesn't have to be alcoholic to be self-centered. Go to Al-Anon, find yourself an Al-Anon sponsor who does the steps out of the AA book and find out for yourself.

denny57

I understand - because I felt the same way. I'm going to go out on a limb and say I bet most of the people who you feel are not getting you, also felt the same way. I have walked in your shoes. I also set the expectation up FOR MYSELF that I had to get to the other side on some timetable. After a verrrrrry long time, I now understand that no one else was expecting that of me, I put that pressure on myself. And IT OVERWHELMED ME. I remained frozen for quite a while thinking it was just too much to overcome.

Today, I appreciate every single person who has come into my life and helped me on the road to recovery. Even those - maybe especially those - who told it to me straight up. I have learned - again over a long time - that if I close my mouth and open my ears, I can change. If you knew me, you would know just how hard that is.

I hope you stick around and listen and learn, and share. There is some great experience, strength and hope here.

Happy New Year!