GirlInterrupted

I e-mailed my mom about what I am going through because every relationship she ever had was with an addict of some sort. From alcoholics, to drug addicts to stalkers && sex addicts. She is in her mid-forties && is just getting to the point where she thinks she may be okay without her abusive boyfriends in her life.

I think when people like us get into a relationship with an addict they become out own addiction. We obsess over how to help them and what we could have done stop them from getting to this point in the first place. When we are able to free ourselves of them we constantly think "did they ever love me", "are they okay??", "Do they think of me?".

My mom wrote me this e-mail, it gave me peace for a few moments. And if you replace the name Steven (my acoholic bf/ex) with who ever you are with, i am pretty sure it will hit home.


"Here is the first thing, you are obsessing in order to spare yourself 2 things, one is pain and 2 is losing him. Problem with that is obsessive behavior will lead to both loss and pain. Even if your obsessive behavior brings Steven back it will only be temporary because obsessive causes too much damage. Look at how it as affected not only Keith and I but every relationship I have tried to start, not my obsessive behavior, his. Your behavior is a sure fire way to stopping the 2 of u from getting back together and pushing him further into his addiction, why do you think Jesus never went after anyone, he was just there when they were ready, not only that he treated them as if they never were liars or prostitutes, etc. When the time is right Steven will know where to go and you will be ready. In the mean time “the kingdom of heaven is within Steven,” Steven is already equipped with everything he needs within his soul to know how to handle this through God. What that means is prayer is a powerful thing and Steven being created by God and already having a heart that is searching can be swayed by your prayers. You need to give God the opportunity to work on Steven. God knows how much you love him and I do believe that God has brought Steven into your life, but not only that you into his life."

deax

Thank you for sharing that! Sometimes I forget that message. God knows everything and can accomplish way more than I can! I really miss him, but I don't think I want my ex back and I dunno if the day will ever come when I do. The burden of worry of whether I could ever trust him-- I think it would be too much for me to be able to deal with. But I do wish recovery and clarity and peace for him, and that's something that's out of my hands. In the meantime, he always has my prayers and best wishes. Thanks, I needed a reminder of this today.

And I too am soooooo familiar with obsession. In the beginning my obsession was so bad I would literally hyperventilate and give myself anxiety attacks. I obsessed over everything imaginable- if he ever loved me (I still do that sometimes), all the awful things he may have done and never told me (99% of which I am sure never took place), if he's dead on the floor somewhere and no one knows, etc.

I worred myself to the point of thinking I might have gotten some terrible STD from him- even though he always tested negative. Last Wednesday I took my final HIV test-- it was 6 months and 3 days exactly since the last time I was with him-- and I'm fine. Thank God. I knew I would be, but it was something to obsess over. I think it was a way of keeping me emotionally connected to him. In the beginning it was the same-- obsessing over everything was a way not to let go, to stay emotionally entangled, and to stay too emotionally frantic to really feel the pain that would inevitably come. And it did. It was a rough summer for me. But I think I'm kind of on the other side now. Or at least coming close to it. I still wonder if he ever truly loved me. I know that he did, in his own screwy way, but I try not to let myself dwell on it. After all, with all my issues, did I really love HIM in the totally genuine way I expect from him? Not sure I can answer that, either.


I try to remember. Let go. Feelings are not facts, which another member here reminded me of in a thread I just wrote today. My experience so far has been that when I do this, in time--answers, information, clarity, everything comes when the time is right.

Thanks again for sharing with us.

GirlInterrupted

In all honesty, i get obsessive too. I dont want to admitt that i am obsessed, but the fact that i cant eat or sleep without taking something and all i do is think && talk about him shows that i am.

i love hearing that people who have ben in my shoes got to the other side. because all i can do right now is think "what if i dont call him && he thinks i dont care or what if i do call him and get on his nerves again" ~ "since i got on his nerves last time does that mean he will never want to talk to me again? Does he not love me now?" ~ "Did he ever really love me?"

I never asked myself if i could NOT love him. When i was with him there were times when i didnt love him, i accually was discusted by him cause of the things he's done. but it's like, now that i CAN'T be there for him, or lean on him and he can't lean on me, i feel like i am so completely in love with him i can't live without him.

tracy1963

I've obsessed over the calling thing too. Just a few hours ago actually. And I even thought to myself how stupid that is-trying to come up with a "reason" to call him, wondering if he's going to be irritated that I called, wondering if he's going to cut me short, wondering if he's even going to answer, and if he doesn't, will he call back? We never used to be like this, except maybe in the beginning, minus the irritation. He never really seems irritated when I call. But he didn't answer for days when I hadn't returned his call. And I was so panic struck. I know he was upset that I didn't call him back or answer the phone. He would never tell me that, but I know. I'd never done anything like that before. When I want to call him, I call him. Plain and simple.

Typically they will always talk to you again. It is up to you whether you want to talk to them.

GirlInterrupted

I obsess over the same things. And my Aex-bf sounds like yours && i sound like you...

I am just worried that because i may be obsessing i am accually just as sick as he may be.