tracy1963

Hi, this is my first post. My bf of 2.5 years is an A-usually extremely active, recently down to a few drinks a day after meetings, w/ the weekend binges. He will not associate with people who are working the program while he is drinking. Aside from the fact that he is slowly killing himself and is in constant turmoil over his drinking and inability to work the program, I could care less if he drinks or not...until recently. I don't drink. His drinking has never been an issue for me-it is something he has to deal with. I try to be supportive and offer encouragement. I like being with him when he is drinking or sober. Lately it seems like he only hangs out with me when he is drinking and avoids me when he is sober. This is bothering me tremendously for some reason. It doesn't have anything to do with his behavior. I'm just feeling like maybe he can't deal with me when he is sober? Like if it were a day he had been planning on being sober (which is what he does) he wouldn't see me? He makes a point of telling me his drinking has nothing to do with me and that if he's going to drink, he's going to drink. And I know that is true. His drinking is definitely not my fault. But maybe I am a safe place for him to drink? Does that make any sense?

HolyQow

Some of them can't deal with anything while sober...probably why they drink.

Sounds like you are taking alot of his problems onto yourself. On days that he doesn't plan on being with you, make your own plans for yourself.

Durango

Sad to say, Tracy...you seem to have answered your own question. I didn't even pick up on that until you said it at the end. Maybe he knows there's no boundaries about drinking when he's with you, so if he wants to stay sober it's easier when he's not with you. Strange in that you don't drink, though.

Sometimes it's hard being on this side of someone's recovery, but as you said we are not responsible for their drinking. At the same time, we're not responsible for their sobriety either. Quite a conundrum!

Cynay

Welcome to SR … we are glad you found us and also glad you are posting your experiences.

I don’t know that anyone can answer that one except your Alcoholic… Have you told him how you’re feeling and asked him to help you work through it?

One of my first posts on SR was something to the effect of “I liked him better when he drank” and I did… Unfortunaly for me he could not deal with me, life, pretty much anything sober unless he had his AA gang around him. He did not want to be around me. I have to say that God did for me what I could/would not do for myself and that relationship ended. Today I’m very thankful for that.

I look forward to getting to know you, keep posting and getting it out of your system. You can also read the stickies at the top of the form for some good information. Alcoholism is a progressive disease, it does get worse.

tracy1963

I don't think I take on his probs nearly as much as I used to-and I did used to do that a lot. I took him to see his son on Xmas this year because he was drinking and not able to drive-and I did that more for his son than him. That is really the only thing I've taken on as of late. I've been much more independent than I have in the past and not getting involved in his issues, and keeping mine on my side of the street. We really only see each other on weekends-usually every other at this point. I am always doing my own thing-and I think it may bother him to some degree, though he doesn't say anything.

tracy1963

I've been with him through periods of sobriety-and it really didn't change how much time we spent together or what he did. I didn't have a prob w/ him when he was sober nor when he drinks-we just get along so well almost always. I don't know. Maybe it is because I know he is fairly sober when we're not together? We don't see each other then because of work. He is living w/ his parents (at the age of 39!) and can't drink there. When he does his usual drinking, he doesn't make it to work most of the time. I've never given him boundaries about his drinking before. I do know that anyone from his past who has given him boundaries has been left in the dust. I've never gone through anything like this and it is just so confusing to me. And when he started this latest phase I considered boundaries for his benefit, but actually thought he would just bring them on himself. I know if he wants to drink, he will-he always has. He always finds a way. I thought for a while that I was enabling somehow by not setting boundaries, but everyone has pretty much told me as long as his drinking doesn't interfere w/ my life, and doesn't become abusive, and I can take it for what it is, it really isn't like that. Yeah, I'm like the drinking buddy who doesn't drink. I don't get it.

tracy1963

[QUOTE=Cynay;1151265]Welcome to SR … we are glad you found us and also glad you are posting your experiences.

I don’t know that anyone can answer that one except your Alcoholic… Have you told him how you’re feeling and asked him to help you work through it?

One of my first posts on SR was something to the effect of “I liked him better when he drank” and I did… Unfortunaly for me he could not deal with me, life, pretty much anything sober unless he had his AA gang around him. He did not want to be around me. I have to say that God did for me what I could/would not do for myself and that relationship ended. Today I’m very thankful for that.

Thanks Cynay I have talked to him about it. He says the same things you all are saying. He isn't comfortable around anyone, esp. himself, when he's not drinking. He insists there are plenty of people he could be drinking with-and I know that is 100% true.

Yeah, the AA gang, I needed to hear that as well. I had somehow forgotten about that. He doesn't talk to me about AA as he once did. He kind of keeps that all secret now. Unless I ask. Then he only answers what is asked. He doesn't offer any of it up on his own by any means. Maybe that is what is really bothering me-because he used to be like that with me about the drinking, not the sobriety. He used to want me to go to meetings with him and stuff like that. It's all different now. I think you hit the nail on the head with that one!