NoChoice

So, I am glad Christmas is over. I have a hard time with the holidays. Especially this one being the first since I moved out, away from AH. I read posts all day and it was really helpful.

I woke up this morning wanting to be done. I told myself that I need to pull back together and shut him out. I thought that I could leave a crack in the door but I have decided to weld it shut. If he wanted to be a part of this marriage and improve things he would be here spending time with me before I deploy for a year. He isn't here. He is in London and then flying to Nassau to see his Mum. He isn't capable of anything other than drinking and doing what he wants to do. I am soooo powerless over him.

He called yesterday and I got so spun up. I was happy, mad, angry, sad, let down, miserable. He gives me crumbs. I take crumbs. He has only ever given me crumbs. I want more than crumbs now, I want the cake. I deserve the cake. If I communicate with him, I start thinking crumbs are ok because I am vunerable right now. So there, after an appt with my counselor I have decided that I am done. It helps me to tell someone, I know someone out there knows what I am talking about. So there it is. I am done.

mallowcup

True you are powerless over him. Sweep those crumbs right out the door with the eggshells. Done! Settling is so boring. Ir there is anything funny about it, it is that they really think it's enough. Yeah right, they are just that special. Here's the good news. You do have 100%, total control over your own life. From here on out, it is going to be exactly what you decide it will be. Don't you find total conviction erotic? You absolutley know what you will not settle for and I think you just made yourself very appealing. People love people who know what they want and where they are going.

greeteachday

I do know whatyou mean. I think we need to get to a certain point in the journey befoce we're ready to close that door firmly. I'm glad you have discovered that you are worth more than crumbs. I'm sorry your holidays weren't the best, but it brought you to a place where you know what you want and can puruse it. Hugs

mazey

It does feel sooooo good to make a decision and know it is the right one. It takes awhile to sort it all out, but that then helps us to feel like it was the best decision, all things considered. And then the peace will begin....

FormerDoormat

The best part of being done is that it frees you emotionally to pursue the things in life that bring you joy. Spending our days with a person in active addiction doesn't add joy to our lives; it sucks the life out of you. So glad you've finally decided that you deserve more out of life.

dollydo

Done is good, done allows you to restructure your life and make it a good one for you.

If he makes you so miserable, why answer the phone. What's the point?

I agree, lets eat cake!

Dolly

NoChoice

Thanks for all of your posts. I woke up this morning in the same frame of mind (being done)!! That is always a good thing. The other side of this whole thing is that usually I am a pretty healthy person but when things really started to go bad with my ex AH, I started smoking, stopped running. I know that is not the best way to deal with all of this but it is what I know. Since I have closed the door, I can get back to being a bit healthier. I will look at that behavior at some point but for now being done is the main course on my plate.

We were TOXIC together. After so many years of lying to myself of saying "it is ok, this isn't so bad" I didn't know what to do or what to think or feel when I was away from the situation. When I left the house after the movers came 01 Dec, I dove into the fear pool and have been swimming in circles since then. I have had a little clarity (thank God) and realized that I do not have to do this alone. I have my HP carrying me, I wouldn't let him pick me up when I was in so much fear. I also have you all and I am so grateful. Thanks.

Janitw

We have your back girlllll.....((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))) )))

Janit