northerngirl

Hi everyone. I am new and I can't believe I'm here! After years of knowing "other people" who had to deal with this I now sit in their shoes! I am terrified that this is the beginning of something beyond my control.

Up until about 2 months ago dh would periodically (about 1x every 2 months) visit a fellow who was an alcoholic for an hour or 2 after work and come home slurring his speech, unable to stand etc... This past August he went to visit this same guy supposedly for "a beer" and came home 3 hrs later to our 3 dk's (who were waiting for him to be taking us out to supper) and promptly regurgitated all over the floor in front of them. I took them to our friends house and we stayed there the night - which I spent trying in vain to find a way to explain but not explain to our 9yo what just happened and why. Dh was okay in Sept (meaning only 1 incident of slurred speech et al) and in October it became a couple of times per week. Promises broken to the kids, committments broken by me to EVERYBODY because it was too late to find a sitter when he never showed up as promised because he was drinking with this beloved buddy.

Mid November it progressed to 3x week MINIMUM! (no regurgitation yet - but I suspect its coming tonight!- sorry to be so graphic). I sat him down the week of his bday in early Dec and did the whole "whats wrong dear? lets talk about it? is it money? me? work? what can I do to help?" and "somehow this has to stop because its not good for you". He hung his head sheepishly and nodded "I know" he said. That was that. Good for ONE week. Back to the same the next. The next conversation was more like "what the he%$ are you doing? we have 3 young kids (4 - 9 age range) and although this is not (yet) affecting your work it sure the he&^ is affecting US! No more broken promises - we can't count on you - this has to change NOW!". More head hanging, passed out on the couch, woke 3 hrs later bright eyed and bushy tailed as if nothing ever happened.

Meanwhile my best friend who lived 10 yrs with an alcoholic before she got the guts to leave tells me "kick him out - he has to get the point - this isn't okay". (d'uhh!)

This week was really good. He came home every night after work - I was really sick with a throat and ear infection but did the I can handle it thing until last night when I asked him to take over (parenting) for a couple of nights so I could rest (and finally take the pain killers I was prescribed that knock me out since I cant take them when he's not home) and tonight here it is 11:41 and NO SIGN of him since he slurred to me at 5pm that he was "just having a beer with (his) boss and would be home shortly". He has stopped answering his cell. The kids have gone to bed finally after waiting not-so-patiently for movie-night-with-dad.

Give it to me straight please - I think I actually know the answer or else I wouldn't be posting this here I guess - but I think I need to actually HEAR it (or be told Im overreacting) to make it real.

Does it sound to anyone here like I'm reading this right? Should I be preparing to look into these alanon meetings? I'm deluding myself to think that there is something I can say to him that will magically be the "right" thing to get him to stop arent I?

My heart is breaking! I don't know what to do now?! I am torn between marching him down to AADAC and kicking his arse out onto the street.

And.....how/what do I tell the kids about this? ds9 and dd6 are VERY aware and have already asked questions. Should I be upfront with them? Is there something that offers info for them? Or do I just keep pretending "daddy is working late"? My son came out and asked me one day if daddy was an alcoholic - apparantly he has been talking with some other boy at school who has a father who is (an alcoholic) and ds thinks his dad fits what he's been told (I asked him what he was told and actually, he is right)...do I say "yes, he is"? Somehow that seems crude, but I don't want to snow him either.

Arrrggghh!!!

Input please. No sugar coating.

prodigal

Okay, no sugar coating. I will not tell you how to handle your children because I don't have any. I will leave that up to the folks on the board who have children.

You are living with an alcoholic. It is a progressive disease. It does not get better, it gets worse. If he seeks treatment and maintains sobriety by working a program, the disease will go into remission. There is no cure. If goes without a drink and picks up again in 20 years it will be just as if he had never stopped drinking.

All Al-Anon requests of newcomers that they try to attend six meetings to see if it will work for them. Everyone learns to face their roll in the disease process, their enabling behaviors, and how to find contentment and serenity whether they stay with the A or leave.

Give Al-Anon a shot. You cannot and will not be able to stop your husband's drinking. Only he can do that and only he can make that decision.

As I said, this is a progressive disease. If he continues on his current path, he'll encounter health problems, money problems, employment problems, family problems, and whatever other problems that he may fall into (such as being pulled over for a DUI). Mood swings will occur. He'll become verbally, and possibly physically abusive too. Are there A's who remain jolly, happy A's their entire lives? I have yet to meet one, but that's not to say they aren't out there.

Please keep posting. You will receive support and understanding. Try Al-Anon in order to help you understand and face his illness.

Pick-a-name

northerngirl : WELCOME!! I'm so glad you found us.

I agree with everything prodigal wrote above;she said it so much better than I could.

It's not "just you"....when you start to believe that and get help for yourself, it helps everyone!! It has taken me a long time to break through that barrier.

As for the kids;I feel and have found honesty IS the best policy. AND, it is the most helpful...even for the alcoholic! The kids find comfort in knowing it is not them and that they can be honest with someone....otherwise the disease (and its lies and facades) contiue into yet another generation. JMO

Several books that have helped me are :" Under the Influence" by Milam and Ketcham and the "Getting Them Sober" bookks (that you can read a few chapters online as a free "preview" at http://www.GettingThemSober.com ). Alanon is something most people find very helpful,too. Open AA meetings,too.

I hope you will stay around and post.......lots of love and help here!

Take care.of you and your kids!

WantsOut

okay, what I dealt with was an 8-year-old who saw lots of beer cans in the trash night after night. I used to cover them with other garbage to try to hide them. AH, son's step-father, was usually not obviously drunk. He always poured his beer in 7-11 Big Gulp cups so he wasn't openly walking around with a can. So I was under the impression that son didn't know what was going on.

One night, I can't remember exactly how it happened, but son and I ended up talking about it. He was crying and angry about all the beer cans. I think AH had passed out and son couldn't wake him up and he was angry about it. He was way more aware than I ever let myself believe and I was stunned at my own ability for self-delusion.

Knowing all this now I would answer their questions honestly. Where is daddy? I don't know. It he an alcoholic? I don't know but I'm starting to worry he might be. Why are all those cans in the trash? Cause daddy drank them.

Son is now 17. I kicked AH out last summer. He still drinks even though it cost him his family. He makes me feel guilty for doing it, but I just can't take it anymore. He's stopped for as long as five months.

The time he stopped for five months he and I went on a cruise. I was so happy. That part of our lives was over. We were in love. Money was coming easily. My son was happy. Then one night I couldn't find my husband anywhere. I went back to the room and as soon as I opened the door I smelled it - that sour beer smell. He was passed out. That was 2002. I should have ended the marriage then but I still had hope.

Later, in 2004 I believe, we went on a family vacation to a Jamacian resort. That time I came back to the room and found him passed out once again. I left him there in disgust and went to have fun. When I came back to the room hours later he had awoken to drink every single alcoholic beverage in the minibar and that thing had been stocked. Beers, mini bottles of booze and wine, even the yucky mixers, he drank them all and was passed out again. I didn't even know what to say to my son who was irate because AH was snoring like a buzzsaw from all the booze.

When I finally had AH move out last summer, my son guessed on his own that it was because of the drinking. He was still mad at me tho because AH is not a bad man in anyway. He is kind, loving, generous, patient, calm, and brilliant (no kidding, really really intelligent). He has been so good to us in so many ways. My son in his heart thinks I'm making a mistake. But he's a child still, even at 17, and he has yet to understand. Maybe in time he will.

I know this is long and maybe off point. Um ... Merry Christimas

mushroom

Don't lie to the kids. You would just be setting them up for continuing the problem of codependency into the next generation.

Don't lie to yourself. You're not over reacting.

No harm in going to Alanon meetings. There's no committment involved, you just go to a few meetings and see if it helps you at all. No requirement that you kick him out, or he go to AA, or anything. I find it very helpful to be around other people who have been through the same things I have - it's not just me.

Alateen is for slightly older kids, like teenagers or near-teens.

JessicaNAJ

Well put mushroom....took the words right out of my mouth.

welcome northerngirl

northerngirl

Thank you all for your welcome and for your honest input! I somehow knew it was not right to lie to them or cover it up, but I didn't really know how draw the line between being honest and giving them "too much" info (ie: for their age). I am thinking that maybe the best approach is to approach it like the sex question - answer directly and honestly and don't add extra stuff unless they ask for it (??).

He came home after midnight - (DROVE home...I was SO MAD inside!!!!)- couldn't even find the doorknob. Sorta knocked on the window. I openned it but didn't want to let him in (again, out of anger) but I did because I didn't want him to die of exposure LITERALLY. He passed out on our bed in the middle of getting undressed - the kids were in our bed because thats where they have movie-night. He was sprawled across their legs so I rolled him onto the floor so he wouldn't crush them in his/their sleep....I slept in the girls room - well, only dozed actually - and this morning my 5yo was laughing and telling her siblings "GROSS!! I went to give daddy a kiss while he was sleeping and I stepped on his pants and he PEE'D in them!! GROSSS!" My heart broke that those kinds of words would have to come out of her little mouth, and relieved at the same time that at least she thought it was funny (as opposed to being scared).

As for me, the only thing I could do this morning was follow the "if you cant say something nice don't say anything at all" rule. I read some stuff last night about how not to enable the behaviour and the stuff seemed to recommend (I) just go about business AS USUAL (big bold type in the material on that one). I couldn't find it in myself to do that though because I felt it was allowing him to "get away" with it but I also knew not to provoke anything so I just went downtown to do some errands. He was supposed to work today but I was supposed to do some stuff last night too which I couldnt with the kids so I just "left" the house and did the stuff. It wasn't for very long but I couldn't rely on him promising to be back in time for me to do it later so I chose to do my stuff first.

I can tell he is feeling uncomfortable - he won't really talk to me but he keeps looking at me as if he wants to. I am NOW okay with just going about business as usual and I have spoken to him as/when necessary for the functioning of the household. I am still too hurt and angry to actually pretend all is fine and have a glorious wonderful la-de-da conversation about things in general yet. He left a few minutes ago to "finish" (translation - START) his Christmas shopping. I have no clue if/when he'll be back.

I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

I was looking up local info for the al-anon meetings last night (er...this morning). I found a schedule but no contact number so I don't know if the xmas season changes that or not. I might have to wait until Tuesday to call the town office or something.

Sorry for my ramblings. Thank you all so much for listening to me vent and for giving me feedback! This is SO MUCH appreciated! I feel very welcome.

sisterray

I have three kids, and I have found it its good to be up front with the older two. I have been doing this for the past year or so. I figure they live there, they know whats going on. So I explain to them that he has a drinking problem. That he gets angy when he isnt drinking because he doesnt know how to deal with stuff without drinking. I tell them that if he starts being unreasonable, they can either argue back, which goes nowhere or leave. I always stress it is pretty impossible to argue by yourself, so I have taught them to walk away. This seems to make things better for them. I share a lot of what I learn here with them. It seems to take some of the mystery and scariness out of what is happening to them. They also know if he gets out of hand, that I will make him leave. So they feel safe (luckily he leaves if I tell him to). This isnt the ideal situation for my kids to be in, and I wish I could just end it, but they understand I am not ready yet, but they also know if he even so much as comes close to crossing a line with them that he is gone for good. I also dont leave them home alone with him ever. So nothing can happen that I am not aware of. Until he can function normall, this is the norm. When I have something to do, I automatically get a sitter, so there is no problem if he doesnt show. I tell them we will do something, and if J makes it, he can come. We dont wait for him. And I dont make a big deal out of it if he isnt there. Hope some of this helps. Lori

sisterray

As far as the other(peeing, ucking, etc. ) long ago, I told him he would not be allowed in the house if he is visibly drunk. I have turned him away a couple of times, dont know where he went. But my kids never need to see that. Again, I am lucky because he will leave when I tell him to, with no fight. Some others arent so lucky. Lori

WantsOut

I would imagine he's feeling pretty guilty. You handled it well. Getting irate just raises your own blood pressure and doesn't solve anything, as you well know by now. I did that for months to no avail. At the same time you are right about not making it okay. I worry that detachment sometimes means the alcoholic runs wild and the spouse just waits for the consequences to crush the whole family.

Alanon is a good idea. There's something going on here no doubt. If I had it to do over again I wish I would have nipped it in the bud, as you have a chance to do. I wish I had stood my ground back then, sort of as your neighbor suggests. I wish I had calmly told him his drinking was unacceptable and he needed to move out, in your case because his new habit is affecting the children and you. You just have to be prepared for the worst - that he might have come to love the booze more than his family. I wasn't ready for that.

I don't know what's right for you, of course. Just trying to give you some feedback.