Ok-Im pretty sad.
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Ok-Im pretty sad.
This is my first Chirstmas
Alone.
Im not sure how I feel about that word.
Im pretty sad.
I'm not a cryer by nature, learned early on to bottle that up.
But Im not feeling so great. Ive been pretending to be ok, but I dont think I am. I thought I was fine, I didnt put up my tree or any decorations, and thought I would just get through the holidays.
I didnt think this would hurt so much.
Glad I can share here.
Alone.
Im not sure how I feel about that word.
Im pretty sad.
I'm not a cryer by nature, learned early on to bottle that up.
But Im not feeling so great. Ive been pretending to be ok, but I dont think I am. I thought I was fine, I didnt put up my tree or any decorations, and thought I would just get through the holidays.
I didnt think this would hurt so much.
Glad I can share here.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Elizabeth, those moments just kill, huh? This too will pass.....? I'm alone this year too, the first time and some moments are just awful, then others are very peaceful. Hope this passes for yu. Isn't weird how we have learned to bottle up so many sad moments? It has been survival....Sharing with ya. Linda
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Thanks friends. I moved from my home town (2,000 miles) 6 months ago, and dont have alot of people I consider friends here.
Im trying to keep busy and I am doing as many meetings as I can get in. Its never been any easy time of year for me. This is just a little more lonely than I thought it would be.
Im trying to keep busy and I am doing as many meetings as I can get in. Its never been any easy time of year for me. This is just a little more lonely than I thought it would be.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Bronx, NY
Posts: 412
I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.
It's just a day. It'll pass. I might be spending New Year's Eve all alone, too, I haven't descided yet if I want to gout out with a friend (and a whole bunch of people I don't know) or stay home. But I've decided for a variety of reasons not to spend it with my family, as is our tradition since it's also my mom's birthday. I made some plans if I do end up being alone- make myself cozy, do some meditation on the coming year, and make a list of things I want to accomplish next year and how to go about it, send those intentions into the universe. Maybe you could do some self-affirming things like that to help pass this difficult week productively. Or rent a couple movies you never got around to seeing, or a TV series on DVD- that'll kill a couple hours right there.
Try to remember that you're still dealing with some bumps in the road, but you're where you are because you're doing right by yourself. Sometimes it's hard and it sucks, but it's brave. It'll all help to make you stronger in the end. And remember that at the holidays we're bombarded with media images of happy families and couples that are largely more fiction- than reality-based.
And we're always here. You don't have to pretend here, at least. Yeah, fake it til you make it and all, but sometimes you just have to let yourself feel the pain.
Hope you find a way to get through it and have a peaceful holiday. I can tell from your posts that you're a mighty strong girl- you'll be ok. (hugs)
It's just a day. It'll pass. I might be spending New Year's Eve all alone, too, I haven't descided yet if I want to gout out with a friend (and a whole bunch of people I don't know) or stay home. But I've decided for a variety of reasons not to spend it with my family, as is our tradition since it's also my mom's birthday. I made some plans if I do end up being alone- make myself cozy, do some meditation on the coming year, and make a list of things I want to accomplish next year and how to go about it, send those intentions into the universe. Maybe you could do some self-affirming things like that to help pass this difficult week productively. Or rent a couple movies you never got around to seeing, or a TV series on DVD- that'll kill a couple hours right there.
Try to remember that you're still dealing with some bumps in the road, but you're where you are because you're doing right by yourself. Sometimes it's hard and it sucks, but it's brave. It'll all help to make you stronger in the end. And remember that at the holidays we're bombarded with media images of happy families and couples that are largely more fiction- than reality-based.
And we're always here.
You don't have to pretend here, at least. Yeah, fake it til you make it and all, but sometimes you just have to let yourself feel the pain.Hope you find a way to get through it and have a peaceful holiday. I can tell from your posts that you're a mighty strong girl- you'll be ok. (hugs)
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I'm sorry you have to go through this. I've been there myself. I'm not going to suggest how you handle this because it's a personal matter and up to you as to whether you decide to stay home or mingle a bit. Fortunately, I lived in the same town for 20 years, so my first Christmas alone wasn't that terrible. However, I did run into some of my ex-AH's friends, who were once my friends too. That was a bit awkward and left me feeling quite sad.
In some ways it was very hard for me, yet in other ways I found a few things to do that helped ease the lonliness a bit. You'll make it through the holidays, but I'm sorry you have to go through this painful time.
In some ways it was very hard for me, yet in other ways I found a few things to do that helped ease the lonliness a bit. You'll make it through the holidays, but I'm sorry you have to go through this painful time.
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
Posts: 9,293
When I divorced, I decided to continue with my holiday traditions as much as possible. I did the decorations, lights, garland, etc...
It was important for me to continue.
Since then, I've modified what I've done, and begun my own traditions. But, during this dark season, it's remained important to me to fill my life with light.
Perhaps you may want to reconsider, and decorate a bit. It will keep you occupied and add purpose. Then, find something important to do on Christmas day that will take you out of yourself. Retirement homes, rehabs, nursing facilities are all short staffed and could probably use a willing heart to lend a hand. Make meaning of the day for yourself, combining old traditions and new ones.
I wish you light...
Shalom!
It was important for me to continue.
Since then, I've modified what I've done, and begun my own traditions. But, during this dark season, it's remained important to me to fill my life with light.
Perhaps you may want to reconsider, and decorate a bit. It will keep you occupied and add purpose. Then, find something important to do on Christmas day that will take you out of yourself. Retirement homes, rehabs, nursing facilities are all short staffed and could probably use a willing heart to lend a hand. Make meaning of the day for yourself, combining old traditions and new ones.
I wish you light...
Shalom!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
This is my second Christmas alone. Like last year, I will see my parents first thing in the morning for about an hour before they go to my brother's house for the rest of the day. So, yeah, I'll have an hour of being with people, but then that's it.
I did put up my decorations because my Christmas isn't based on having people to be with. It's 'my' Christmas too and I think it's important to continue to celebrate the way I want to.
Last year it was a welcome relief to NOT endure dissapointments of being with selfish, toxic people on Christmas so I really didn't feel the lonliness. This year I feel the lonliness a little bit. Especially when I watch those fantasy-based holiday commercials on tv. YUK!!! I really started to feel sorry for myself.
But just yesterday I compared where I was 'then' versus where I am (and what I have accomplished) 'now'. For example, I smoke 50% less than I used to, I'm eating a much healthier diet, I have a much better relationship with my parents (one of compassion and understanding), I'm catching up with my bills (although very slowly), my home reflects who 'I' am and not someone else's personality, there is 'peace' in my home, and in my heart (most of the time).
These are all things I couldn't say 2 years or more ago. And all of these things are very important to me and I'm glad I am where I am now versus then. Yes, there are pros and cons of then vs. now, but, the pros of 'now' are so much better!
A very wise person (thanks Texas Girl) suggested that I start my own traditions. So, I have my meal planned for Christmas dinner (turkey, stuffing, etc.), special snacks for the day (extra sharp cheddar cheese, the fixings for nachos, flavored sodas, etc.) and I have all my movies lined up that I plan on watching. And I bought 2 presents for myself, that I'll wrap and put under my tiny 12" fake tree. These are all little things that I can do and make me happy. But I must admit that next year, I would like to be with people on Christmas....not just 'any' people, but 'healthy' people. So, there is my goal for 2007...to cultivate new 'healthy' friends and hopefully have different plans for Christmas next year.
In the meantime....maybe all of us that are not with anyone on Christmas could plan to be online here at a certain time on Christmas day so we can chat! I'm available after 11:00 am EST! How about you???
I did put up my decorations because my Christmas isn't based on having people to be with. It's 'my' Christmas too and I think it's important to continue to celebrate the way I want to.
Last year it was a welcome relief to NOT endure dissapointments of being with selfish, toxic people on Christmas so I really didn't feel the lonliness. This year I feel the lonliness a little bit. Especially when I watch those fantasy-based holiday commercials on tv. YUK!!! I really started to feel sorry for myself.
But just yesterday I compared where I was 'then' versus where I am (and what I have accomplished) 'now'. For example, I smoke 50% less than I used to, I'm eating a much healthier diet, I have a much better relationship with my parents (one of compassion and understanding), I'm catching up with my bills (although very slowly), my home reflects who 'I' am and not someone else's personality, there is 'peace' in my home, and in my heart (most of the time).
These are all things I couldn't say 2 years or more ago. And all of these things are very important to me and I'm glad I am where I am now versus then. Yes, there are pros and cons of then vs. now, but, the pros of 'now' are so much better!
A very wise person (thanks Texas Girl) suggested that I start my own traditions. So, I have my meal planned for Christmas dinner (turkey, stuffing, etc.), special snacks for the day (extra sharp cheddar cheese, the fixings for nachos, flavored sodas, etc.) and I have all my movies lined up that I plan on watching. And I bought 2 presents for myself, that I'll wrap and put under my tiny 12" fake tree. These are all little things that I can do and make me happy. But I must admit that next year, I would like to be with people on Christmas....not just 'any' people, but 'healthy' people. So, there is my goal for 2007...to cultivate new 'healthy' friends and hopefully have different plans for Christmas next year.
In the meantime....maybe all of us that are not with anyone on Christmas could plan to be online here at a certain time on Christmas day so we can chat! I'm available after 11:00 am EST! How about you???
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
If possible can you change your mind set to embrace your independence? I'm not sure how you feel about church but that is a good place to spend Christmas Eve or Christmas day. It will be different but you will not be alone. You can come here. You won't be picking up broken ornaments or beer cans. You won't have a fight. Maybe you can spend the day doing something you love. I love taking a long walk. Start planning for next year. Maybe you can start a small saving to go home for the holidays next year. No doubt we'll all being doing overtime here as we are all either putting up with the holiday drinking or we are spending the day alone. You are not alone. You are independent.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Sarah, I know how hard it has been for you lately. I completely
understand. I am glad you can come here for support and the
love of all that know. I am going to send you an email with my
home number not sure if you already have it....please feel free
to call me anytime you want. I know you have certainly helped me
many times in the past (and recently.) I for one am looking forward
to the new year as I have the hope that it will be one of the best.
(((Sarah))) In only a week this noliday will be a memory.
understand. I am glad you can come here for support and the
love of all that know. I am going to send you an email with my
home number not sure if you already have it....please feel free
to call me anytime you want. I know you have certainly helped me
many times in the past (and recently.) I for one am looking forward
to the new year as I have the hope that it will be one of the best.
(((Sarah))) In only a week this noliday will be a memory.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
I'm sorry you are feeling this way....Christmas for me this year will probably be "busy",but still lonely. I have lots of mixed things going on,but the realities of being divorced from/by AH after 30yrs together is bothersome,but what's a girl to do,right? New Year's Eve bugs me more.... I feel like I am just going through the motions but maybe that's just the way it is sometimes.
I am glad you posted about this......I see I am in good company. Looks as if we can all gather together here off and on during Christmas day for a little recovery-Christmas-gathering. Love ,hugs and prayers to you all....I will be thinking of each and every one of you on Christmas Day and I'm thankful for the gift that you have been to me all year long.
(((Sarah)))
I am glad you posted about this......I see I am in good company. Looks as if we can all gather together here off and on during Christmas day for a little recovery-Christmas-gathering. Love ,hugs and prayers to you all....I will be thinking of each and every one of you on Christmas Day and I'm thankful for the gift that you have been to me all year long.
(((Sarah)))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Faith~Hope~Love
Posts: 963
(((Sarah)))
I'm sorry this is a difficult holiday for you. I've learned that my expectations of what Christmas should be don't always live up to the reality. Counting my blessings helps me to feel more peaceful spiritually. I wish you weren't alone, that has to be so hard, and I hope you find unexpected blessings this holiday season.
hugs ~
deedee
I'm sorry this is a difficult holiday for you. I've learned that my expectations of what Christmas should be don't always live up to the reality. Counting my blessings helps me to feel more peaceful spiritually. I wish you weren't alone, that has to be so hard, and I hope you find unexpected blessings this holiday season.
hugs ~
deedee
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Merry Christmas Elizabeth!
This is my first Christmas without my wife and I admit at times I feel blue also.
But we are never alone. It is Christmas and it is a special season. Christ is with you always.
I love the Candle Light Services on the Eve of his birth. It reminds me of what this holiday is about. It puts things back into perspective for me.
Take care and Happy New Year!
This is my first Christmas without my wife and I admit at times I feel blue also.
But we are never alone. It is Christmas and it is a special season. Christ is with you always.
I love the Candle Light Services on the Eve of his birth. It reminds me of what this holiday is about. It puts things back into perspective for me.
Take care and Happy New Year!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
>>Especially when I watch those fantasy-based holiday commercials on tv.<<
YES, this is the key I think.
This is my first xmas without AH (and I'm unemployed to boot!). It's very painful at times, and sometimes I do get weepy. But a but part of it is that I want a Christmas fantasy that I don't think anyone gets to have.
I have these visions of the children we should have had around the tree, delighting in toys, maybe taking the kids to Disney, cooking a turkey for them. IN my dream they are dressed in velvet and everyone is happy and smiling at each other and sucking on giant candy canes with a twinkling tree in the background.
But I've had a son. I've seen the kid play with the box and not the toy. I've seen him open in ten minutes flat the gifts that cost me a fortune and took forever to wrap. I've even heard him ask in his innocent, selfish kid way "Is this all of it?". lol Kid, that was $400 worth of crap!
I've glared at AH while he chain smoked right around my son trying to open his gifts. I've heard AH tell me he loves me. What he neglected to mention was that he loved Bud Light even more.
Ugh. I will not say the holidays suck. I like them. I decorated. I'm cooking tomorrow. I follow my traditions. But it's not easy. I only hope one day it will be. Hang in there - you're not the only one feeling it.
YES, this is the key I think.
This is my first xmas without AH (and I'm unemployed to boot!). It's very painful at times, and sometimes I do get weepy. But a but part of it is that I want a Christmas fantasy that I don't think anyone gets to have.
I have these visions of the children we should have had around the tree, delighting in toys, maybe taking the kids to Disney, cooking a turkey for them. IN my dream they are dressed in velvet and everyone is happy and smiling at each other and sucking on giant candy canes with a twinkling tree in the background.
But I've had a son. I've seen the kid play with the box and not the toy. I've seen him open in ten minutes flat the gifts that cost me a fortune and took forever to wrap. I've even heard him ask in his innocent, selfish kid way "Is this all of it?". lol Kid, that was $400 worth of crap!
I've glared at AH while he chain smoked right around my son trying to open his gifts. I've heard AH tell me he loves me. What he neglected to mention was that he loved Bud Light even more.
Ugh. I will not say the holidays suck. I like them. I decorated. I'm cooking tomorrow. I follow my traditions. But it's not easy. I only hope one day it will be. Hang in there - you're not the only one feeling it.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,579
Originally Posted by guyinNC 
But we are never alone. It is Christmas and it is a special season. Christ is with you always.
I love the Candle Light Services on the Eve of his birth. It reminds me of what this holiday is about. It puts things back into perspective for me.
I love the Candle Light Services on the Eve of his birth. It reminds me of what this holiday is about. It puts things back into perspective for me.
That IS what Christmas REALLY is all about,isn't it?!
((guyinNC))
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Sarah, one thing I found that helps me tremendously at this time of year is to make some cookies, lots of cookies and take them to the nearest Nursing Home. There are many in the homes that no longer get visitors and it really helps them and me to go visit.
I also take time to help out at the nearest Rescue Mission and this too seems to help my mood.
I have come to believe that Xmas is about GIVING. The more I can give of myself, the better I feel.
Hope that helps.
Love and hugs,
I also take time to help out at the nearest Rescue Mission and this too seems to help my mood.
I have come to believe that Xmas is about GIVING. The more I can give of myself, the better I feel.
Hope that helps.
Love and hugs,
Acting not reacting
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi everyone,
Im better today. I allowed myself to stay in bed and watch tv and read until about 10:00, which I never do, usually up at 6 everyday, even weekends.
I did some laundry, cleaned my house, took my dog for a walk, and made a gratitude list.
I am still not in an incredibly festive mood, although I am better. I did make a break through of sorts as to why I am not feeling like giving, when usually Im the overspender showering everyone with gifts. I realized that many years of giving to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons have contributed to a fear of giving. I have somehow attached the act of giving to the emotion of pain.
I have a couple things planned for later, I may go get some christmas cards for my neighbors, I may go buy some presents for my dog, I may treat myself to a manicure, or my very favorite show is on all day, a marathon of sorts- I may just eat popcorn, drink flavored italian sodas and watch that.
I am ok with any of those things. I will see how I feel, but its going to get better, Im going to be fine, and Im at peace with the emotions today and where Im at with them.
I may even make some cookies and eat the dough Laurie! The shelter idea I had considered, and will still. My initial reaction to that, is memories of my ex. Another member of my family who is an active alcoholic has been in shelters for years. I am not sure how I would do in one, with all the emotions I am having. I dont want to start trying to save the world again.
Im better today. I allowed myself to stay in bed and watch tv and read until about 10:00, which I never do, usually up at 6 everyday, even weekends.
I did some laundry, cleaned my house, took my dog for a walk, and made a gratitude list.
I am still not in an incredibly festive mood, although I am better. I did make a break through of sorts as to why I am not feeling like giving, when usually Im the overspender showering everyone with gifts. I realized that many years of giving to the wrong people, for the wrong reasons have contributed to a fear of giving. I have somehow attached the act of giving to the emotion of pain.
I have a couple things planned for later, I may go get some christmas cards for my neighbors, I may go buy some presents for my dog, I may treat myself to a manicure, or my very favorite show is on all day, a marathon of sorts- I may just eat popcorn, drink flavored italian sodas and watch that.
I am ok with any of those things. I will see how I feel, but its going to get better, Im going to be fine, and Im at peace with the emotions today and where Im at with them.
I may even make some cookies and eat the dough Laurie! The shelter idea I had considered, and will still. My initial reaction to that, is memories of my ex. Another member of my family who is an active alcoholic has been in shelters for years. I am not sure how I would do in one, with all the emotions I am having. I dont want to start trying to save the world again.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Big 
to you Sarah, and to everybody else who is feeling down this holiday season.
Me? I refuse to let somebody else's )*(*&(*& behavior mess up _my_ happinnes. I'm taking myself out to lunch, by myself so I can read a good book and not be interrupted, I'm going to hang out with friends, go to meetings, catch up on paperwork, and basically give me the holiday I have earned. I am most certainly not going to allow an addiction to mess it up. Especially somebody else's.
I'm a codie, and if my addict ex-wife had been feeling down over the holidays I would have moved heaven and earth to help her feel good. So why shouldn't I do a little bit of that for _me_? I am so done with letting other people's insanity mess up my life. That's over, I'm living _my_ life now and I'm going to do it right.
Mike
to you Sarah, and to everybody else who is feeling down this holiday season.Me? I refuse to let somebody else's )*(*&(*& behavior mess up _my_ happinnes. I'm taking myself out to lunch, by myself so I can read a good book and not be interrupted, I'm going to hang out with friends, go to meetings, catch up on paperwork, and basically give me the holiday I have earned. I am most certainly not going to allow an addiction to mess it up. Especially somebody else's.
I'm a codie, and if my addict ex-wife had been feeling down over the holidays I would have moved heaven and earth to help her feel good. So why shouldn't I do a little bit of that for _me_? I am so done with letting other people's insanity mess up my life. That's over, I'm living _my_ life now and I'm going to do it right.
Mike
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