mazey

Got an email tonight at 10pm (after spending the day w/ my daughter who had a biopsy that the specialist is worried about, couldn't even finish normally because of the tissue, so very scared for her, she has an 18 month old daughter and is 14 weeks pregnant) He just remembered after his last 2 DUI's I had to talk to the Evaluater and he is going tomorrow am at 10. Would I speak to her again? Will I speak kindly about him, since he doesn't need any further complications? If this is a problem, don't answer the phone!
There is no limit to their requests. What the? Does he think I will lie for him?
Will they ask me why we aren't together anymore? Will they ask me if I think he has a problem w/ alcohol? Will they want to hear how he held me down and tried to choke me? Will they ask about the 5 Dui arrests he's had in his life? OMG! I really am so very agitated/angry right now.
I loved him so much! Oh, how I know what would help him truly......Do I know what he could do to me if I tell the Evaluator the truth and his case is endangered?
HIs rage is threatening.....I don't know for sure what I will do with this. I would appreciate all comments/advice. I will not let my anger make this decision. I think I know what would be best for him & his disease, but is it best for me....
It is about me now.

DesertEyes

Mazey, if you feel his rage could cause him to harm you then you need to protect yourself _and_ your daughter and _her_ children too. I strongly suggest you call a local shelter and ask _them_ what they recommend. They will know how the law works in your part of the country and will be able to refer you to any resources you may need.

When there is even the slightest fear of violence it is time to get professional help and make sure that you are safe from the posibility of his becoming enraged.

What do you think?

Mike

mazey

Mike, he moved out 4 months ago, after the "blow up". I live alone. My daugher is married and lives 1 1/2 hrs away, she is in no danger from him.
What scares me now, is if I decide to answer the Evaluator's call, and speak honestly and it makes his case worse he could become enraged. I know the last time he got a slap on the hand with his DUI stuff. I do feel he endangers lives with his repeated drunken driving. This was one of the hot topics between us, and one of the "last straws" in our relationship. He is gone now, and it has been no contact since(cept for a few joke/poem emails from him).
I think, for me, it may be better not to answer the phone. BUT, is it any of my responsiblity to answer that phone and answer their questions honestly to keep him possibly hurting someone else someday? I really think our state laws will keep him off the road for awhile anyway. Can't I just stay out of it?
Let the chips fall where they may?

DesertEyes

Ok, suppose he does become enraged. What is it about his becoming enraged that scares you? Who do you think might get hurt if he does become enraged? If the person he could hurt is _you_, regardless of where he lives, then you need to protect yourself first.

There is nothing in the world you can do to control his actions. If he chooses to drive while drunk all the DUI's in the world won't stop him, and neither will your answers. What _is_ your responsibility is to take what actions you can to protect others when those actions _really_ will protect people. Notice that "protect people" includes _you_. If answering the phone will put _you_ at risk then the answer is to get some official help _first_.

Yes, you certainly can stay out of it if you so choose. Perhaps it would help if you wrote out all the "pros and cons" of answering the phone, that way you can have a concrete reason on paper for whatever you decide. If you're a codie like me any decision you make you will be "second-guessing" for a long time to come. Having the reasons for my decision on paper helps me make up my mind using my head instead of my heart.

Mike

mazey

Thanks, Mike. That makes sense.....

Pick-a-name

This may be way out in left field but could you answer the call and tell the caller that you would like to speak candidly and answer her questions however you are afraid that if you did that, there may be cause to worry about your own safety..and leave it at that? JMO

Sorry you find yourself in this predicament but let him pay his consequences for his behavior as best you can.........AND be safe.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter and I hope the news is more hopeful after the test results come back. Sending you a big hug.

mushroom

I don't know how evaluators work but your ex has a lot of nerve asking you to lie for him!

I would definitely answer the phone if you're home when they call. And tell her right up front about your ex contacting you ahead of time and your fear of his rage. Then answer her questions truthfully. I bet they keep their sources of info confidential. He might guess it came from you but they probably won't tell him so especially if you ask them not to.

But that's me. I've never had to deal with someone who was dangerously violent. Well ok not strictly true, my mother and brother were a danger to me but I always fought back and that was enough to keep them in check. So that's always my reaction when threatened, to get mad and fight back. Won't always be the wisest decision so you have to evaluate the threat he poses yourself.

mazey

Thanks! I really appreciate the advice. I'll wait and see if they even call.....but, need to be prepared if they do. If I was him I would never ask them to call me...... I know him the best....but not always the best stuff.

Thanks, Pick for the kind words re: my daughter's biopsy. It is really scarey. So not right that they couldn't finish normally.

WantsOut

Honestly, if you can screen your calls I'd avoid this one. Nothing in it for you - nothing but trouble.

mallowcup

I'd be completely honest. tha tmeans telling them about his call to you and the content, the more important priorities in your life right now and your fear of relaliation. I would tell them that they are actually endangering you. I woul alert the local police of what's going on. I would change locks and maybe go to your daughters for the holidays. Every ounce of energy you put into him is energy you don't have for yourself. I would not avoid the call from the evaluator. The reason being that the only reason you would aboid it is intimidation. That's the issue that needs to be addressed. I'd get an order of protection and inform the evaluator that your life is seperate from him.

embraced2000

mazey...i have dealt with this so many times with xah. in the beginning, i would spill my guts bout everything. which generated more calls from the powers that be. which drew me in even further.

and as i look back upon it, i actually wanted to be involved with all the drama with him because it was still a link to him....that was me, though.

i finally discovered that in my case, when i finally started answering the calls of inquisition from the powers that be with a pat answer, my life became more manageble.

that pat answer was....we are seperated/divorced, and i have nothing to add, one way or the other. have a good day, and goodbye.

i did it all tho....tried to save him from his consequences by speaking well and excusing his behaviors, then spilling my guts, then just setting my boundries and sticking to them with the powers that be.

none of it helped him. but the last option i listed above helped me tremendously.

hope this helps some
love to you
jeri