sisterray

My guy said he was thinking of going into a halfway house for a few months after he gets out of jail. "To get his head together". We had checked on this before, and I didn't like the idea. Most of any money he earns goes there. So I am still on my own financially. He can come and go as he pleases there, except for a few mandatory meetings and chores. So he will wind up being here all the time, except that he won't have any responsibilities here. How will the halfway house prepare him to be a better husband and father? I am thinking he needs to learn to live here if that is where he wants to be. Maybe I am just uneducated about it. Anyone have their guy go to one? Lori

best

A halfway house that works as it should will give counseling and help ease a person back into society. In thought and for many... coming from a structured environment and being place directly into society can be like getting fed to the wolves. A halfway house is a weaning off of sorts.
Coming directly home can be like a cold turkey rehab for some.
Why not? My house has rules and boundries. A visitor/guest still must follow certain rules and boundries or they won't be allowed in. Some one coming to live here would need follow a few other rules then someone just visiting...so why no responsibilities?

sisterray

I mean he won't have any financial responsibilities here. I would still be on my own. He would wind up sitting here, playing with the kids, watching tv and hanging out with me. But if I annoyed him in some way, or the kids were fighting, or the baby was sick, or the car was broken, or whatever just happens day to day, then he wouldn't have to learn to deal with any of that. He could just leave and go back to the halfway house. So how would he learn to deal with family life? Lori

best

Rules and boundries.

You stay here, you contibute.
No expenses...living arrangements are all set. Roof and food.
I can give what I have or give of myself or both.
$20 and fix the car is better then a free stay and treating the place as a flop house. Rules that work and boundries that are needed. Give it some thought and see what you come up with.

sisterray

Thanks. I just want to make sure I am clear to him. I think he is going to wind up coming home anyway. But you are right, this is not a flophouse. Reality is he has no job. And I tend to look at it as money help only. But you made a good point. I could settle for look for a job for half the day, then watch the baby so I can study for the rest. I'm to the point where if I need to, I will make lists of what needs to be done and assign him jobs, just like I do for the kids. He is getting better over time. He has gone from drinking every minute that he isnt at work to binges every few months. I should look at this as progress. But he cant cope with anything without booze, so he loses jobs, gets mad over the stupidest little things, and procrastinates hugely. Truth is I liked him better as a drunk. Sad truth. He chose to quit drinking, and he struggles with it. I need to be a bit more encouraging, and also let him make a few decisions by himself. I have gotten so used to mothering him because he is such a basket case as a sober person. But he has to learn, and I have to let him. Right away I said no to the halfway house, and he would listen to me. But he needs to be allowed to make some descisions and feel like a man. I dont tend to let him do that enough. Lori

GlassPrisoner

I realize that you are upset that he cannot provide financial and emotional support for you and your family. However, as the disease progresses, this will only get worse.

I strongly suggest that he goes to a halfway house, followed up with routine attendance at a good program. I use AA, and it works. He is in no way, shape or form ready to step back into life and support his family until he is better. Halfway houses, and recovery in general, are no walk in the park. We have to learn how to live, and completely change some major things in our lives.

Also, I would suggest you look into Alanon so you can understand how the disease works, and how to cope with the problems your Alkie husband causes. This will probably include readying yourself for his absence, which is going to happen short term if he sobers up, long term if he doesn't (I.E., Dead).

MsPINKAcres

I am a HUGE fan of halfway houses.

I can relate to your feelings about him not contributing to your household financially, but in reality how much is he contributing if he is active in his drinking?

When my AH left the treatment center, he did not have the option to come home. (my choice) He was accepted into a halfway house. It was a wonderful experience for him. He had to live with 6 other men. All of those men were very different yet they all suffered from alcoholism/addiction. They shared all household responsibilities. It was very eye-opening for him to see what needed to be done to keep a house functioning.
After living there 6 months, he moved out and rented his own apartment. He lived on his own for another 5 months before we decided it was time for him to move back home.

Also during that time, he did start helping a little financially. We still struggle in the finance area, with boundaries and everyone pulling their fair share. But we are working on it. I thoroughly believe that the transition thru the halfway house helped both of us.

Best wishes to both of you - I hope that both of you continue your paths of recovery.
One Day at a Time,
Rita

cmc

My son has lived in a halfway house and it was a very good experience. He has gone back a few times to the same one when he relapsed.
Many benefit from the strict discipline and routines that these places instill in the residents. I would recommend it to anyone who is having a hard time quitting on their own and/or instead of doing jailtime it can be beneficial.
I will add that going to a halfway house is still no guarantee that the person is really ready to get serious about recovery once back out of that environment, but it does provide the tools needed once that time comes.

sisterray

But the problem is he isn't really drinking much these days. For the past year, he has just done the binge thing every few months. Not that that is great, but he used to drink daily for many, many years. He's 48, and he had been doing it since he was 13. So his drinking isn't so much the problem any more. Its living day to day and learning how to deal with little family problems, things going wrong, etc. I'm afraid that the halfway house won't help, will just get him off the hook about the responsibilites at home. He wants to live here, but wants all to be peaceful and nice, or he flies off the handle. What he needs to learn is how to live in a family. Will the halfway house help in some way? I did call the place a few months back, and the guy who runs it said it is mostly to help them learn how to live independently. I guess maybe I am just impatient.