can you detach and still be in love?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
can you detach and still be in love?
This is my first post here and I am glad I have people like you to share my problems with.
I have been married for 8 years to my AH. We have 2 sons (5 and 1 years old). He is an alcoholic and smokes dope every day. I have stopped counting how much is drinks/smokes but it is a lot. he is drunk and stoned every night and even though he is not abusive anymore (since I stopped interacting with him altogether when he starts drinking).
Anyway, over the years, I have learnt the hard way that I had to "detach". But I don't think I did it as I should have done. I am not saying anything to him about his drinking and smoking pot. I just stop interacting with him altogether at night, which only leaves the morning, before we go to work to "talk" or briefly when I come home, if he is not high and drunk already.
The consequence of this is that I am not attracted to him anymore. We haven't had sex in ages, partly because he is too drunk at night most of the time anyway, partly because when he is not "that" drunk, the whole thing takes ages and I end up wishing we hadn't started in the first place (sorry to be graphic) and partly because by detaching myself, I have emotionally disconnected myself from him.
I find that I cannot reconcile the "detaching" and "emotional/physical closeness". Is it possible at all? Or did I miss something in the way I have detached myself?
Thanks
Lucy
I have been married for 8 years to my AH. We have 2 sons (5 and 1 years old). He is an alcoholic and smokes dope every day. I have stopped counting how much is drinks/smokes but it is a lot. he is drunk and stoned every night and even though he is not abusive anymore (since I stopped interacting with him altogether when he starts drinking).
Anyway, over the years, I have learnt the hard way that I had to "detach". But I don't think I did it as I should have done. I am not saying anything to him about his drinking and smoking pot. I just stop interacting with him altogether at night, which only leaves the morning, before we go to work to "talk" or briefly when I come home, if he is not high and drunk already.
The consequence of this is that I am not attracted to him anymore. We haven't had sex in ages, partly because he is too drunk at night most of the time anyway, partly because when he is not "that" drunk, the whole thing takes ages and I end up wishing we hadn't started in the first place (sorry to be graphic) and partly because by detaching myself, I have emotionally disconnected myself from him.
I find that I cannot reconcile the "detaching" and "emotional/physical closeness". Is it possible at all? Or did I miss something in the way I have detached myself?
Thanks
Lucy
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Welcome, Lucy06
From what I've heard shared, detachment is meant to give me perspective on my life - am I living my best life? Sometimes detachment leads to where you are (as it did for me, too); sometimes it allows the relationship to work because the non-drinker begins to live a life based on their own wants and needs and finds letting go of control of the drinker brings them closer.
Be good to yourself and keep posting. Nice to meet you!
From what I've heard shared, detachment is meant to give me perspective on my life - am I living my best life? Sometimes detachment leads to where you are (as it did for me, too); sometimes it allows the relationship to work because the non-drinker begins to live a life based on their own wants and needs and finds letting go of control of the drinker brings them closer.
Be good to yourself and keep posting. Nice to meet you!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I think for most couples when the sex starts to wane for whatever reason, it's hard to maintain an emotional closeness. After being ignored all evening, what woman wants to make love? Much less to someone who wreaks of booze. For most women sex is not just a physical act; it's emotional as well.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to detach. I'd be willing to wager that if your partner were emotionally available to you, you'd feel closer to him in general.
Perhaps a better question to ask yourself might be, is he the right partner for you?
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to detach. I'd be willing to wager that if your partner were emotionally available to you, you'd feel closer to him in general.
Perhaps a better question to ask yourself might be, is he the right partner for you?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Thanks for the reply- That makes sense! Maybe what happened to us is that by detaching ourselves, we clearly realised how unhappy we were in this relationship, as anyone "normal" would be I guess. I feel very sad about all this though... I feel trapped and I don't know what to do...
Yesterday, my AH told me I had to change my attitude towards him. He clearly feels that I have distanced myself but the truth is, he is the one who is isolating himself in his fantasy world fueled by booze and pot... He doesn't see that... What he wants is to spend 95% of his time indulging in his addictions and for the 5% of the time he has left, I have to be right there for him... This is not what I call a relationship but he doesn't see it this way....
Sylvie
Yesterday, my AH told me I had to change my attitude towards him. He clearly feels that I have distanced myself but the truth is, he is the one who is isolating himself in his fantasy world fueled by booze and pot... He doesn't see that... What he wants is to spend 95% of his time indulging in his addictions and for the 5% of the time he has left, I have to be right there for him... This is not what I call a relationship but he doesn't see it this way....
Sylvie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Originally Posted by FormerDoormat 
I think for most couples when the sex starts to wane for whatever reason, it's hard to maintain an emotional closeness. After being ignored all evening, what woman wants to make love? Much less to someone who wreaks of booze. For most women sex is not just a physical act; it's emotional as well.
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to detach. I'd be willing to wager that if your partner were emotionally available to you, you'd feel closer to him in general.
Perhaps a better question to ask yourself might be, is he the right partner for you?
I don't think there is a right or wrong way to detach. I'd be willing to wager that if your partner were emotionally available to you, you'd feel closer to him in general.
Perhaps a better question to ask yourself might be, is he the right partner for you?
You know the usual answer: the sober him is the right partner for me but not the drunk one. And unfortunately, I see mostly the drunk one these days...
I feel generally that my resentment over every single bad "episode" that happened in the past years have now make me come to a point of no return as far as closeness is concerned. I have been disapointed so many times- often after having spent great moments together- that I don't have any energy left in me to do it all over again... I feel emotionally bankrupt at this point...
Sylvie
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I felt trapped, too. I started attending Al-Anon and got myself into therapy. I educated myself on alcoholism. You can start with the stickys at the top of the forum, there's one that includes some reading suggestions.
No hard decisions have to be made until we're ready. Taking small steps, like those above and coming here, are a great start. I learned to be kind to and patient with myself as I worked it out.
No hard decisions have to be made until we're ready. Taking small steps, like those above and coming here, are a great start. I learned to be kind to and patient with myself as I worked it out.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
That was my answer, too. And that is exactly how I felt. When I began believing that I deserved more out of my partner is when I began to make changes to improve my situation. For me the solution was to ask him to move out, but others have managed to learn how to be happy with their alcoholic partner despite their drinking.
I personally don't see how they can do that. It's hard to have a relationship with yourself, because your other half is often physically and nearly always emotionally unavailable.
I personally don't see how they can do that. It's hard to have a relationship with yourself, because your other half is often physically and nearly always emotionally unavailable.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Im glad that you found us and you dont have to feel alone in this anymore.
I have to agree where really is no right or wrong detachment from a partner that is alcoholic/drug user. I did not want to be in a relationship, have sex, and build a life around my partner when he was 95% away from me either. Im not sure any healthy women wants to place second to their partners addiction... not matter what the addiction is.
Im still working on my recovery and still making mistakes. I use Therapy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and alot of reading. I can tell you today that I respect myself and know I deserve more then 1/2 a relationship. I can tell you that I do set boundries today and stick with them.... and I can tell you it did not happen over night, and it does still hurt and disapoint me when have to make those choices.... not like it use too, but still hurts.
I dont live with or have a relationship with an active alcoholic today... I choose to leave my AH and the other relationships ended as well.... It is really hard to have a relationship with an Alcoholic hon... but you dont have to make decisions today...
I look forward to getting to know you.... stick around and read all you can, there is some amazing recovery on these boards.
I have to agree where really is no right or wrong detachment from a partner that is alcoholic/drug user. I did not want to be in a relationship, have sex, and build a life around my partner when he was 95% away from me either. Im not sure any healthy women wants to place second to their partners addiction... not matter what the addiction is.
Im still working on my recovery and still making mistakes. I use Therapy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and alot of reading. I can tell you today that I respect myself and know I deserve more then 1/2 a relationship. I can tell you that I do set boundries today and stick with them.... and I can tell you it did not happen over night, and it does still hurt and disapoint me when have to make those choices.... not like it use too, but still hurts.
I dont live with or have a relationship with an active alcoholic today... I choose to leave my AH and the other relationships ended as well.... It is really hard to have a relationship with an Alcoholic hon... but you dont have to make decisions today...
I look forward to getting to know you.... stick around and read all you can, there is some amazing recovery on these boards.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
I guess that we have to remember that we can lose our attraction for some one who is choosing to be ill and behave like an a@@. It doesn't reeally have to do with detaching, but yes it is possible to your original question to detach but still be in love.
Cat
Cat
Originally Posted by Lucy06
This is my first post here and I am glad I have people like you to share my problems with.
I have been married for 8 years to my AH. We have 2 sons (5 and 1 years old). He is an alcoholic and smokes dope every day. I have stopped counting how much is drinks/smokes but it is a lot. he is drunk and stoned every night and even though he is not abusive anymore (since I stopped interacting with him altogether when he starts drinking).
Anyway, over the years, I have learnt the hard way that I had to "detach". But I don't think I did it as I should have done. I am not saying anything to him about his drinking and smoking pot. I just stop interacting with him altogether at night, which only leaves the morning, before we go to work to "talk" or briefly when I come home, if he is not high and drunk already.
The consequence of this is that I am not attracted to him anymore. We haven't had sex in ages, partly because he is too drunk at night most of the time anyway, partly because when he is not "that" drunk, the whole thing takes ages and I end up wishing we hadn't started in the first place (sorry to be graphic) and partly because by detaching myself, I have emotionally disconnected myself from him.
I find that I cannot reconcile the "detaching" and "emotional/physical closeness". Is it possible at all? Or did I miss something in the way I have detached myself?
Thanks
Lucy
I have been married for 8 years to my AH. We have 2 sons (5 and 1 years old). He is an alcoholic and smokes dope every day. I have stopped counting how much is drinks/smokes but it is a lot. he is drunk and stoned every night and even though he is not abusive anymore (since I stopped interacting with him altogether when he starts drinking).
Anyway, over the years, I have learnt the hard way that I had to "detach". But I don't think I did it as I should have done. I am not saying anything to him about his drinking and smoking pot. I just stop interacting with him altogether at night, which only leaves the morning, before we go to work to "talk" or briefly when I come home, if he is not high and drunk already.
The consequence of this is that I am not attracted to him anymore. We haven't had sex in ages, partly because he is too drunk at night most of the time anyway, partly because when he is not "that" drunk, the whole thing takes ages and I end up wishing we hadn't started in the first place (sorry to be graphic) and partly because by detaching myself, I have emotionally disconnected myself from him.
I find that I cannot reconcile the "detaching" and "emotional/physical closeness". Is it possible at all? Or did I miss something in the way I have detached myself?
Thanks
Lucy
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: East Coast
Posts: 45
I suppose it's possible, but it's sure not easy for me at least.
I find that the more I detatch, the less my feelings are for my W and the thought of moving on gets stronger.
I begin to notice other women more and think about having a healthy relationship again. Something that none of us have probably experienced in a long while.
My first choice is to do so with my W but I can't help but feel that it's not going to be in the cards at times. Detatching for me makes it even more doubtful. My hope is that if I give her the space through detatchment that she will come around and realize that what she really wants is to repair our relationship. The question is will I still be there and willing to repair this once she comes around. (If she ever does.)
I find that the more I detatch, the less my feelings are for my W and the thought of moving on gets stronger.
I begin to notice other women more and think about having a healthy relationship again. Something that none of us have probably experienced in a long while.
My first choice is to do so with my W but I can't help but feel that it's not going to be in the cards at times. Detatching for me makes it even more doubtful. My hope is that if I give her the space through detatchment that she will come around and realize that what she really wants is to repair our relationship. The question is will I still be there and willing to repair this once she comes around. (If she ever does.)
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Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Happy with me !
Posts: 680
Welcome to SR. It is very difficult to have a meaningful relationship with a person who is "unavailable" most of the time. I agree with the above posts.
Take your time and please come back and post and read................
I do know that after the A does so much too you, you begin to withdraw. I know I have. I one day want someone to kiss me that does not smell of booze.
I have found that this site, Al-Anon, and all the readings that I can get my hands on have helped.
Again, welcome.
Take your time and please come back and post and read................
I do know that after the A does so much too you, you begin to withdraw. I know I have. I one day want someone to kiss me that does not smell of booze.
I have found that this site, Al-Anon, and all the readings that I can get my hands on have helped.
Again, welcome.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Thanks you so much everyone! I am overwhelmed with your nice thoughts and replies.
It is interesting to read all your replies because I find that we have so much in common.
Up until 2 years ago (when I got pregnant wity my second son) I still felt very close to him. But then, the eye opener i guess was my pregnancy which was a very dangerous and complicated one. I ended in hospital for the last 2 months of the pregnancy, on complete bed rest and I was having heavy hemorhages every week which threatened not only the baby's life but mine too (I had placenta previa), and I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that my husband was certainly not very present during all that time. On one day, I started to hemorrhage badly and even though he had known about it the whole day, by 5pm, he still hadn't come to see me. I spent the whole day in tears and on my own, bleeding non stop and he didn't care because it was so much more important to be sitting home watching the footy and drinking!
I think I will never ever forgive him for this. On that day, it became crystal clear to me that whatever happens to me or anyone else for that matter, his drinking has to come first. That hurt pretty badly but ever since, I have detached. I suppose I am now waiting for the next crisis triggered by binge drinking to pack my and my kids' bags and move out. In the meantime, I am glad I have found you guys and I am sure I will learn a lot!
Thanks SO MUCH again!
Lucy
It is interesting to read all your replies because I find that we have so much in common.
Up until 2 years ago (when I got pregnant wity my second son) I still felt very close to him. But then, the eye opener i guess was my pregnancy which was a very dangerous and complicated one. I ended in hospital for the last 2 months of the pregnancy, on complete bed rest and I was having heavy hemorhages every week which threatened not only the baby's life but mine too (I had placenta previa), and I am sure you will not be surprised to learn that my husband was certainly not very present during all that time. On one day, I started to hemorrhage badly and even though he had known about it the whole day, by 5pm, he still hadn't come to see me. I spent the whole day in tears and on my own, bleeding non stop and he didn't care because it was so much more important to be sitting home watching the footy and drinking!
I think I will never ever forgive him for this. On that day, it became crystal clear to me that whatever happens to me or anyone else for that matter, his drinking has to come first. That hurt pretty badly but ever since, I have detached. I suppose I am now waiting for the next crisis triggered by binge drinking to pack my and my kids' bags and move out. In the meantime, I am glad I have found you guys and I am sure I will learn a lot!
Thanks SO MUCH again!
Lucy
Last edited by Lucy06; 12-22-2006 at 02:28 AM. Reason: typos
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