Running away? Helping?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Ca
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Running away? Helping?
I am tired of him drinking and coming home to him sleeping it off. So I left again. I have been leaving a few nights at a time since right before Thanksgiving. Each time he cries and says he'll stop drinking and I go back. It got a little better, he wasn't passed out every afternoon when I got home, but he was still drinking. Last week he told me he was sober every night, but I checked the account and he spent odd amounts at the gas station every day. So I know he was drinking during the day.
Saturday morning I went to an al-anon meeting because he was really drunk at his party the night before and I realized I need to get rid of my anger. I came home and he had gotten a fifth of vodka and was passed out in the bedroom. I packed my bags and went to my sisters again. We have talked on the cell phone off and on, he's usually buzzing and asking me to come home, accusing me of cheating, asking me to come home, etc. etc. etc.
I went home Monday and Tuesday to feed the animals and get clothes. He was in the bed sleeping in the same clothes since Saturday. And he didn't go to work or to his meetings. (He's a salesman and can fake it for only so long!) So last night he calls me begging me to come home. I say no, you need to stay sober permanently for me to come home. I have come home before and nothing has changed. He says he'll get sober if I come home. I say no, you get sober and I will come home.
Many calls later, last night I finally told him, I will not answer your calls anymore. I need you to be sober in order for me to come home, and not just sober, you need to make effort into getting into a program to help yourself. I ignored all 30 something of his calls and voicemails last night. Today he calls me as I'm leaving work and asks if I'm coming home. I say no. (The animals are ok 1 more day) He begs me to come home and I say that my requirements once again are for him to get help for his drinking. Then I proceeded to tell him that if things don't change, the day after Christmas I am talking to my parents and letting them know that the animals and I are moving home. Then I'm going to talk to his parents and tell them about his drinking problem and that I'm moving out. This angers him. I'm the only one that knows about and hides his problem. He is scared of his dad taking the house away from us (it's his). I calmly told him all of this without yelling or getting out of control. He kept accusing me of running away instead of helping things. He is angry that I will tell his parents, but I said that he can choose to get help and I won't involve them yet. But if he doesn't choose that, I will be going to them because I can't help him anymore and I'm concerned about his life. I told him that I miss the man that I'm in love with, my rock, and that I can't come home until he gets sober and that man is back. He accused me of running away again so I said that I'm not running away, I just refuse to live with a drunk. Then I hung up.
I haven't heard from him since and I feel sooooo weak and guilty. Did I run away, or am I doing the right thing in order to get him to realize that this is serious? We've been together 11 years, high school sweethearts, and I can't lose him. I refuse to live that unhappy lifestyle with a drunk though. I'm feeling weak and don't want to cave if I'm really doing the right thing! Help! Any comments or suggestions are welcome!
Saturday morning I went to an al-anon meeting because he was really drunk at his party the night before and I realized I need to get rid of my anger. I came home and he had gotten a fifth of vodka and was passed out in the bedroom. I packed my bags and went to my sisters again. We have talked on the cell phone off and on, he's usually buzzing and asking me to come home, accusing me of cheating, asking me to come home, etc. etc. etc.
I went home Monday and Tuesday to feed the animals and get clothes. He was in the bed sleeping in the same clothes since Saturday. And he didn't go to work or to his meetings. (He's a salesman and can fake it for only so long!) So last night he calls me begging me to come home. I say no, you need to stay sober permanently for me to come home. I have come home before and nothing has changed. He says he'll get sober if I come home. I say no, you get sober and I will come home.
Many calls later, last night I finally told him, I will not answer your calls anymore. I need you to be sober in order for me to come home, and not just sober, you need to make effort into getting into a program to help yourself. I ignored all 30 something of his calls and voicemails last night. Today he calls me as I'm leaving work and asks if I'm coming home. I say no. (The animals are ok 1 more day) He begs me to come home and I say that my requirements once again are for him to get help for his drinking. Then I proceeded to tell him that if things don't change, the day after Christmas I am talking to my parents and letting them know that the animals and I are moving home. Then I'm going to talk to his parents and tell them about his drinking problem and that I'm moving out. This angers him. I'm the only one that knows about and hides his problem. He is scared of his dad taking the house away from us (it's his). I calmly told him all of this without yelling or getting out of control. He kept accusing me of running away instead of helping things. He is angry that I will tell his parents, but I said that he can choose to get help and I won't involve them yet. But if he doesn't choose that, I will be going to them because I can't help him anymore and I'm concerned about his life. I told him that I miss the man that I'm in love with, my rock, and that I can't come home until he gets sober and that man is back. He accused me of running away again so I said that I'm not running away, I just refuse to live with a drunk. Then I hung up.
I haven't heard from him since and I feel sooooo weak and guilty. Did I run away, or am I doing the right thing in order to get him to realize that this is serious? We've been together 11 years, high school sweethearts, and I can't lose him. I refuse to live that unhappy lifestyle with a drunk though. I'm feeling weak and don't want to cave if I'm really doing the right thing! Help! Any comments or suggestions are welcome!
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Originally Posted by losinghim 
I haven't heard from him since and I feel sooooo weak and guilty.
These are the kinds of questions I ask myself - write it down if I have to - and when the answers come I can address them. No one knows what is right or wrong for me - only I do. I have the power to figure that out. I believe we all do.
Good luck; it sounds like you set good boundaries.
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My fear? I don't know. I guess that my fear is that I won't get him back. I soooo miss him!! Or that he won't forgive me for telling family and that it will be over.
Weak about? That I will give in and go home and he won't stop drinking.
Guilty? For abandoning him.
Weak about? That I will give in and go home and he won't stop drinking.
Guilty? For abandoning him.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Southern Wisconsin
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For what it's worth I think you are doing the right thing. You are clearly explaining to him exactly what you want and I see no reason for you to feel guilty. Do not think of it as running away. Living this life is like a rollercoaster and you're merely stepping off the tracks. You don't have to let his accusations get to you. It's just manipulation anyway. Like someone told me on here...Just because he quacks it doesn't make it gospel.
take care
take care
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Join Date: Dec 2004
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You are absolutely doing the right thing. You're setting boundaries and sticking to them. You're making plans to take care of yourself and your animals if he fails to comply with your boundaries. You're communicating your needs and boundaries to him calmly and without anger. You're treating him with dignity and respect. You're putting your needs first.
You're not the least bit weak. You're strong and committed to living a happy and fulfilling life. Staying the course will yield the results you desire. Well done!
You're not the least bit weak. You're strong and committed to living a happy and fulfilling life. Staying the course will yield the results you desire. Well done!
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What are the chances that he will get help? I'm hoping that with Christmas coming he will snap out of this? He knows it's my FAVORITE holiday and we didn't buy a tree or decorate and he has to know that's killing me.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
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When he no longer has an enabler in his life, the chances are very good that he will get help. When I stopped enabling my exAB, he got the help he needed and he reached and maintained sobriety for 8 months. Sadly, he relapsed this past July and has been unable to get his act together since then.
But as long as he has breath in his body, there's a chance that he may reach sobriety again. I haven't given up on my exAB. I still love and pray for his recovery every day. I just do it from a safe distance.
But as long as he has breath in his body, there's a chance that he may reach sobriety again. I haven't given up on my exAB. I still love and pray for his recovery every day. I just do it from a safe distance.
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Is is a bad idea to tell his parents? He is afraid of them knowing, but I think the fear of them, and the intense support they would give could help. He may never forgive me for telling them, but at least he will get help.
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I bet his parents already know. They won't be any more successful than you in convincing him that he should stop drinking and drugging. Remember, they are his parents and as such, they would generally side with him. It could backfire on you and strain your relationship with his parents.
Now if they were to approach you and inquire about his drinking and drugging, then they'd probably be more open to listening to what you have to say.
Now if they were to approach you and inquire about his drinking and drugging, then they'd probably be more open to listening to what you have to say.
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Join Date: May 2005
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losinghim, please try to stay strong. Or at least pretend 
. What formerdoormat said was wonderful and very true. We want so badly want to help these loved ones it's hard to see that often we are contributing to the disease. Being an enabler is something I'm really guilty of. Have you read the stickies on what an enabler is? There are lots of great posts on the subject.
More importantly you have reached your bottom and know you don't want to live this way anymore. I think you are brave. It's scary to let go of the one you love. But we all have to sink or swim. And you can love him, like Formerdoormat said, from a safe distance.
. What formerdoormat said was wonderful and very true. We want so badly want to help these loved ones it's hard to see that often we are contributing to the disease. Being an enabler is something I'm really guilty of. Have you read the stickies on what an enabler is? There are lots of great posts on the subject.More importantly you have reached your bottom and know you don't want to live this way anymore. I think you are brave. It's scary to let go of the one you love. But we all have to sink or swim. And you can love him, like Formerdoormat said, from a safe distance.
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He never sees his parents even though they live in the same city. He has pretty much shut all personal life things out to stay at home and drink away. His father would be very mad at me for waiting so long to talk to him. His mom will probably accuse me of lying.
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Originally Posted by FormerDoormat
I bet his parents already know. They won't be any more successful than you in convincing him that he should stop drinking and drugging. Remember, they are his parents and as such, they would generally side with him. It could backfire on you and strain your relationship with his parents.
Totally agree and have seen it happen.
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When my BIL asked, I told him. He said he wasn't ready to get involved with all that. The last time we spoke - a year ago - I told him he could always call if things got rough for him (he is AH's only friend at this point). I see no harm in sharing the info if it's asked for. Sometimes when a whole family rallies, an intervention is possible. There are people who have had success with that.
The process is different for everyone. Do you attend Al-Anon regularly - do you have a sponsor you could talk to?
The process is different for everyone. Do you attend Al-Anon regularly - do you have a sponsor you could talk to?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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Originally Posted by losinghim
I've only attended twice and am looking for convenient places and times. I avoided them because they were during times he would be home and he will drink if I'm not there.
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So I just talked to him and he's saying he wants me back. But isn't saying he will quit. He asks what will I change for him if he decides to stop drinking for me. He's just not ready to quit yet, right?
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Yep, he's not ready. He's trying to make a bargain with you, so that when you go back on your word he'll use that as an excuse to resume drinking. And then, of course, his drinking will be all your fault. Pretty sneaky, huh?
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