intoxicated mothers

Old 12-19-2006, 07:59 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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mallow, I have to agree that it's one of the saddest things to see a parent (whether it be mother or father) put their children through the pain, turmoil, etc that these children go through.
I believe that as a society, we have a harder time with the irresponsible mother than we do the father. But I know that the pain even an addict father can cause a child is just as painful for the child.
I know too that my children have been affected by the affects of my xAH's drinking. I know that my role in the "dance" has affected them too, just as my everlasting reach towards recovery affects them as well. We, as parents, affect our children. We just don't always know the feelings that parents cause their children until much much later.
Alcoholism will unfortunately continue to hurt the innocent children - but mallow, it's people like you that use the opportunities in which to ease just a bit of that pain, even if it's just temporarily. For those times, I'm sure those kids are forever grateful.
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Old 12-19-2006, 08:52 PM
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Not criticizing anyone Mazey, just calling things like I see them. It's easy for folks to see the harm that other parents cause their children but not to see the harm they're causing their own children.

My wake up call came from my own daughter, who was brave enough to tell me that I was causing her as much harm as the alcoholic in my life was with my constant anger and hostility directed at my XAB, my indecisiveness and inability to move forward in my life, and my acceptance of unacceptable behavior. Sometimes the truth is not only uncomfortable, it hurts. Padding the truth to make things more comfortable for others leaves room for miscommunication and just exacerbates the problem.
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Old 12-19-2006, 08:57 PM
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i agree fdm....i found that for myself, the closer someone got to the truth i was trying to justify away with my irrational jusifying, the more defensive and angry i became. just in my own case......

i

had someone in al-anon that just kept telling me i was hooked on the chaos. oh god, i wanted to let the air outta her tires. i wanted to spit in her coffee when she wasn't looking. i just was so angry with her.

but lo and behold.....hmmmmmmm.......guess what. lol

jeri
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Old 12-20-2006, 06:51 AM
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it seems to me that although we may see things from our own point of view-we are not here to single anyone out and put them on the hot seat for what their current situation is. i think that is why we use "experience, strength and hope" as our formula for getting our point across.
no matter what our situation may be, it is ours by our choices. i see lots of damage to children, and i have seen my own grow through their "hardships" in our addicted environment. the best i can do is to take care of my own recovery and it will and IT DOES benefit my children AND the alcoholic too.
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Old 12-20-2006, 07:08 AM
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Inadvertantly I think you have stated one of my points. You say that you have seen your own growth through the chidlrens hardships. I think our kids should be growing through pur hardships. When we have children, they come first, instead, sometimes they just get fit in. This may be unpopular but I do think there are times when there is no room or time to consider our recovery. There are times when children should be removed. Most would agree with that until someone stands at our door to take our kids because we are the exception of course. As one of the pediatricians said to me, commons sense has to enter into it. It scares me sometimes to see the lack of parental instinct.
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Old 12-20-2006, 08:26 AM
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You know what.... I know this is going to sound really strange but Im going to give it a shot anyway.

I think we all come to recovery at our time.... It is harder for some of us then others and some of us make more mistakes then other. Im guilty of it, I married an Alcoholic and when my daughter was 2 I left him... only to date others and I have been unable to give her the life she should have had. I started theraphy when my daughter was born, that is when my recovery began and I can tell you today 17 years later I still have a crap load of recovery to do. I have no doubt my daughter will have to go to theraphy for the mistakes I have made as well.... I am far from perfect and I have to trust and believe God knows what he is doing.

I am the adult child of an abusive alcoholic, in the family that did not break up. My Mom was the alcoholic, while my father was the Codi.... Today I do not hate my life, It has created who I am today.... I think Im exactally who I was ment to be. My parents did the best they could with what they had to work with. I will not get into conversations defending her/his actions.... but I will tell you that considering what I know about her childhood and life... I know she did the best she could as did my father. My parents stayed together till my Mother was the last to pass over almost 4 years ago. The last 10 years of theraphy, recovery and communication has taught me what a beautiful, amazing human they both were.

I do hate the disease but not the person. I do believe we get recovery when we are ready and FM I do believe you are doing the best you can today. Please always remember to take what you like and leave the rest. It does not always end up with the child growing up to be a angry/diseased human.... sometimes we have to struggle more, but we do make it too. I cant tell you why there is Alcoholism, Cancer, Countries where children are born with Aids and starve to death.... I dont know and I dont know why there is so much pain.... I have my guesses....but since "he" wont tell me the big plan .... they are only guesses.
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Old 12-20-2006, 08:38 AM
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This hit home! My kids need a normal household. I need to provide that. They seem well adjusted, have friends, get good grades. But they DO NOT ever need to think it normal to have a mom more concerned about a drunk than about them. WOW! I have spent the last months much more focused on how if he would change, then life would be normal. Now I have to change. I am on the right path, I am in school, and in a year and a half, I will have a job that will support us without help from any one. I quit the bartending, for the best. I just need to focus on us. I have noticed that since he has been gone, they are sharing more with me about little things in their lives, thought it was because they were happy he was gone. They are 10 and 12. But they say they are ok with him coming back. They like him. I think they are sharing more because I have so much more time to actually listen to them.

Lori
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Old 12-20-2006, 09:21 AM
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Originally Posted by sisterray View Post
But they DO NOT ever need to think it normal to have a mom more concerned about a drunk than about them. WOW! I have spent the last months much more focused on how if he would change, then life would be normal. Now I have to change.
You rock, Lori!

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Old 12-20-2006, 02:03 PM
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Just to make myself clear here. I have never cared more for my AH than I have about my daughter. I have spent the better part of two years driving into N.Y.C. 4 days a week with her and sitting in a hospital night after night alone, something that If you had asked me if I could do alone before this started I would have said No Way. I have one of the best relationships with my daughter that a mother could ask for. She is 15 and is probably more compassionate than any child I have ever known. I grew up dispising my mother, I still do to this day. She was physically and emotionally abusive with all her children. I have gone to great lengths to make sure I did not follow that way of life. Of her 5 children, 2 husbands, and 6 siblings you know how many are in her life now? 0. My point? You dont have to have an addiction or live in an addiction environment to have screwed up children. My child knows she is loved beyond measure. I'm not stupid and I'm quote " doing the best I can with what I got to work with" There are people here who obviously think the way they do things is the way it should be done. Its very preachy and assuming. Sorry but thats how i see it. How could anyone think they know enough about me from a few paragraphs to tell me I'm wrong to live my life the way I do. There are others here who are very kind and understanding and allow me to say what I need to say, without thinking Im asking to be fixed. I'm not sure but I thought It was safe to vent and express myself here, If I've gotten that wrong please let me know.
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Old 12-20-2006, 03:04 PM
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This is what we know:

"Been married for 20 years. My husband was a alcoholic when i met him but I knew " I could change all that" (hahahaha). Ten years ago I stared divorce proceedings to get out of a very sick marriage. Well, he got sober. We stayed married and we were actually pretty happy. Two years ago, WHAM, he started drinking again. Well, now its so bad I cant even believe where I am anymore. He has just come off a 6 day binge, didnt come home, is hanging out in strip clubs and has a "best friend" that makes Hitler seem like a nice guy. To make things worse, my beautiful Daughter is recovering from cancer. He could not care less about her condition, her wellfare, her future, or her life. I do not know how to live under the same roof with this man and not scream, yell, rant and rave. I am consumed with anger and rage. But..... I cant control my temper. I try and It goes well for about 10-15 mins. and then i blow. This is killing me, and destroying my Daughter. Now she confronts him and I'm so afraid he will lose it and hurt her when hes been drinking. I am racked with guilt because I feel the love I have for him, is an insult to my Daughter, who, is also my best friend."

I find it interesting that folks can clearly see that having an alcoholic parent causes damage to another person's child, but we don't seem to be able to recognize that, as codies, our tendency to accept terrible behavior on the part of our alcoholic partners can cause similar damage to our own children.

It made me question why we don't scoop our own children up and put them in a safe place.

To further illustrate my point, in reference to his former wife, GuyinNY asks, "how can a bottle come between you and your kids?" For we codies who know we're in an unhealthy relationship with an active alcoholic yet continue to hang on and suffer the consequences, as do our children--and I was guilty of that myself--why can we not see that we're allowing a bottle to also come between us and our children? We don't have to be drinking out of that bottle to cause our children harm. We just have to be accepting it as a way of life. Engaging in shouting matches with our alcoholic loved ones doesn't solve anything. Neither does inaction on our part. Both of these things cause further harm to our children.

The lightbulb moment for me came when my daughter told me that I was causing her as much harm as the alcoholic in my life was with my constant anger and hostility directed at my XAB, my indecisiveness and inability to move forward in my life, and my acceptance of unacceptable behavior.

We each have to find our own solutions, as each of our situations is unique. Mine was to remove the alcoholic from my household. But others find a way to live in harmony with their alcoholic partners. I think SisterRay says it best:

"Our kids need a normal household. We need to provide that." And once our children are in a safe, healthy environment, then I think it's a fine idea to reach out to other children who are suffering from the effects of alcoholism and help them as best we can.

I think we all need to remember that when our homes become a battleground between ourselves and our alcoholic loved ones, we're harming our children. Venting may help us feel better temporarily, but it doesn't solve our problem. Action does.

Sorry if I offended you, FM, that wasn't my intention.
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Old 12-20-2006, 03:14 PM
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Yes, it was your intention FD.
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Old 12-20-2006, 04:29 PM
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(((Mallowcup))) there are no coincidences. Than you for being there for that baby... my prayers are that she can take your example as one she wants to emulate in her life.

I think we all know addiction/alcoholism runs in families. With even ONE parent an alcoholic, every child in the family has FOUR times the chance of becoming one themselves.

And they are babies when they start... my kid was 12 or 13. Who the heck chooses much of ANYthing at that age? And my son in law was 9... NINE!

These babies need protecting and then become... almost overnight...the ones we need protecting from.

It is a crazy, crazy-making condition. I am sorry for the little girl, Mallowcup, and for her brother... and for her mom - who is still trapped in her crazy world.

Sometimes choice is all it takes, sometimes not.
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