I visited him in jail with the baby
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Posts: 74
I visited him in jail with the baby
Yesterday, I drove the two and a half hours to where he has been transferred to visit him. I have never been in such a strange place. There were metal detectors, and I had to empty my pockets.
But the visit went well. Once he is done with two more months, then no more probation or rules. He says he will keep going to his wife beater classes even without a court order. And that he will stay in AA. I want to believe him, but we will see. From all the reading I have done here, more likely than not, he is talking like this is because he is in jail. So I will wait and see what what happens when he gets out. When he gets out, he still has no job, and still needs to learn to deal with life without getting stressed out about every little thing.
So I guess we will be starting off right where we left off. But I am no longer willing to argue with him, or get involved with his problems. I got a tutoring job, and with that and child support from the other kids dad, and school loans, I can pay the bills without him. I told him he has one month on the calendar to find a job when he gets out (I dont care if it is at mcdonalds!) and he must pay one half of the bills. If he is unable to do this, then like any other place he would live at, he will be evicted. Not from our lives, but from our home. I will give him a print out and he will know exactly how much he owes. He gets two weeks behind, and the salvation army becomes his home. I think that is fair, and a good way to set a rule that will be his problem if he breaks it. If he has to leave, as soon as he can save up enough to pay what he owes, he can come back.
I am also trying to educate the kids on how when he is not drinking, he is a twelve year old. He only has the coping skills and social skills of someone that age. (That was the age he started drinking). I told them when he gets mad and calls names and has fits, look at it like one of them is throwing the fit. Sad, because he is a 48 year old man, but true. I also showed them some of my literature on alcohol and drug withdrawal, so they understand the crabbies that come when he does not use. I tell them that he has a choice in how he acts, but we also have a choice in how we respond. So they understand that he is crabby because he feels bad, doesnt know how to handle any stress without a bottle, and will try to pick fights with anyone who has the bad luck of being in his line of eyesight. I told them to practice with themselves. They are 10 and 12 and love to fight with one another. I told them to practice not responding to the fight. They are learning that it is fun to watch the other person, as it is impossible to fight out loud with yourself.
We are in for a challenge, but we love him, (not always his actions, but him). So he will come home to some change too. We are better educated, in thanks to this site, and can at least understand him a bit better.
But the visit went well. Once he is done with two more months, then no more probation or rules. He says he will keep going to his wife beater classes even without a court order. And that he will stay in AA. I want to believe him, but we will see. From all the reading I have done here, more likely than not, he is talking like this is because he is in jail. So I will wait and see what what happens when he gets out. When he gets out, he still has no job, and still needs to learn to deal with life without getting stressed out about every little thing.
So I guess we will be starting off right where we left off. But I am no longer willing to argue with him, or get involved with his problems. I got a tutoring job, and with that and child support from the other kids dad, and school loans, I can pay the bills without him. I told him he has one month on the calendar to find a job when he gets out (I dont care if it is at mcdonalds!) and he must pay one half of the bills. If he is unable to do this, then like any other place he would live at, he will be evicted. Not from our lives, but from our home. I will give him a print out and he will know exactly how much he owes. He gets two weeks behind, and the salvation army becomes his home. I think that is fair, and a good way to set a rule that will be his problem if he breaks it. If he has to leave, as soon as he can save up enough to pay what he owes, he can come back.
I am also trying to educate the kids on how when he is not drinking, he is a twelve year old. He only has the coping skills and social skills of someone that age. (That was the age he started drinking). I told them when he gets mad and calls names and has fits, look at it like one of them is throwing the fit. Sad, because he is a 48 year old man, but true. I also showed them some of my literature on alcohol and drug withdrawal, so they understand the crabbies that come when he does not use. I tell them that he has a choice in how he acts, but we also have a choice in how we respond. So they understand that he is crabby because he feels bad, doesnt know how to handle any stress without a bottle, and will try to pick fights with anyone who has the bad luck of being in his line of eyesight. I told them to practice with themselves. They are 10 and 12 and love to fight with one another. I told them to practice not responding to the fight. They are learning that it is fun to watch the other person, as it is impossible to fight out loud with yourself.
We are in for a challenge, but we love him, (not always his actions, but him). So he will come home to some change too. We are better educated, in thanks to this site, and can at least understand him a bit better.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
sisteray....glad you are coming here, reading and posting. my prayers are with you.
imo....jails are no place for babies or children. even to visit their parents. especially since his incarceration is for just a short time. these visits are hard enough on an adult........
i would suggest asking myself what purpose the visit served for the child.
it should not matter what purpose the visit served for the inmate or for you.
love to you
jeri
imo....jails are no place for babies or children. even to visit their parents. especially since his incarceration is for just a short time. these visits are hard enough on an adult........
i would suggest asking myself what purpose the visit served for the child.
it should not matter what purpose the visit served for the inmate or for you.
love to you
jeri
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Posts: 74
Jails no place for baby
Jimmy just turned 1 a few weeks ago. I would never take the other kids. I don't think it hurt the baby, it didn't benefit him in the long run, since I doubt he will remember it. He was really happy to see his daddy though-laughing and playing. I don't plan to make it a weekly thing though. And I did think about it quite a bit beforehand. It may have been wrong of me, but I don't think it was terrible. I do welcome any opinions, because as with most things in my life lately, I don't know if I am doing the right things. I did the go with my gut, and decided that I wasn't hurting Jimmy by taking him, and giving his dad a little perk. Wrong?
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Hi Sisterray,
I too am glad you are here
Sorry for the need, but glad you are here.How long is he in for? My ex was in jail more than once for domestic violence and violating his probation..so I know how that feels to be visiting someone in jail.
May I ask, did he use these words? "wife beater classes"?
I too am glad you are here
Sorry for the need, but glad you are here.How long is he in for? My ex was in jail more than once for domestic violence and violating his probation..so I know how that feels to be visiting someone in jail. May I ask, did he use these words? "wife beater classes"?
He says he will keep going to his wife beater classes even without a court order.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Posts: 74
wife beater classes
No I guess that tacky term is mine. He never beat me, but screamed loud and long enough for the neighbors to call the cops. He has to attend domestic abuse classes. But he drank several times on probation, and now has to sit for three months. Lori
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
I was just concerned if he was using that term.as if it was no big deal...like I said, I've been where you are. We didnt have kids, so I suppose not right where you are. Im not judging
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
some of the people i have met at AA meetings have said if not for jail, they would not be sober. many of thought they would just appease the judge and bide their time. it ended up that at 12 step meetings they heard their own stories from others sharing, and that it was the sheer amazement in hearing their own stories, that convinced them to become sober. alanon is great, but at AA you can draw courage and inspiration by hearing horrific stories of addiction and RECOVERY.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by steve11694 
alanon is great, but at AA you can draw courage and inspiration by hearing horrific stories of addiction and RECOVERY.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
sister....
your baby probably won't have any memory of visiting his father in jail....everyone is different and would make different choices about taking children to jail for visitation. you know your situation better than anyone else.
my earlier post was just my own opinion...i'm not judging you sister, just giving my opinion.
i personally would not take my child. in my opinion, his choices have landed him in jail...he is paying the consequences of his behaviors. part of that consequence is not being able to see his children as a free man. i would feel that if i took my child to see their father in jail, that i was, once again, accommodating the unrealistic needs of the alcoholic, and part of that accommodation was exposing my child to the inner workings of the system of incarceration.....i understand it was clean, it was monitored and all was safe. i just don't think, for me, i would be willing to accommodate the alcoholic, one more time.
sister, this is just my opinion. lord knows i've done worse and will probably do more things that i find questionable at a later date.
go with your intstinct. do what is right for you.
love to you
jeri
your baby probably won't have any memory of visiting his father in jail....everyone is different and would make different choices about taking children to jail for visitation. you know your situation better than anyone else.
my earlier post was just my own opinion...i'm not judging you sister, just giving my opinion.
i personally would not take my child. in my opinion, his choices have landed him in jail...he is paying the consequences of his behaviors. part of that consequence is not being able to see his children as a free man. i would feel that if i took my child to see their father in jail, that i was, once again, accommodating the unrealistic needs of the alcoholic, and part of that accommodation was exposing my child to the inner workings of the system of incarceration.....i understand it was clean, it was monitored and all was safe. i just don't think, for me, i would be willing to accommodate the alcoholic, one more time.
sister, this is just my opinion. lord knows i've done worse and will probably do more things that i find questionable at a later date.
go with your intstinct. do what is right for you.
love to you
jeri
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stevens Point, WI
Posts: 74
Thanks for writing back hon-I am still screwing up just new to dealing with this. Part of me still wants to make him happy. I think I will tell him there were no openings on Sunday. I'm not ready to deal with telling him he can't see the baby. God, this is hard. Lori
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