Soon to be exhusband is drinking himself to death.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 19
Soon to be exhusband is drinking himself to death.
Hi, I've been reading the posts for strength all these months, but haven't participated in any discussions. Now I need your help, so please forgive me for being so inactive. Last time I posted was in July, when I was trying to decide whether to kick my husband out. Well I did that at the end of September and filed for divorce (which isn't final yet). AH has been living in an RV 80 miles from here ever since. He retired from his job, and has done nothing the last three months but drink, only leaving the RV to buy more liquor and very little food. He refuses to go into treatment, which never has done him in good all the times he's gone. His doctor thinks he's bipolar, but he's not taking any medication.
I've only seen him once since I kicked him out when I let him come here to pick up some of his things and that was a disaster. He arrived drunk (surprise) and the highlight of the evening was when he got all 5 rifles from his closet, hollering that he was going to kill himself. I'm sure the neighbors enjoyed the view of the 6 cops with drawn guns in my front yard when I called 911 for help. I've got call blocker on my home phone (praise God for whoever invented that), but he calls my cell phone (which I don't answer) up to 12 times a day. I'm a full time college student, age 46, with a daughter in college and a 21 year old working son who lives at home.
While I've done pretty well, I think, in distancing myself from him, and I try not to take on his problems anymore, I think I have to do something. My son saw his dad this morning for the first time in 2 weeks and said he looks horrible, much worse than he was 2 weeks ago, which was awful. Our son said his stocky, full bodied dad looks like an AIDS patient, he's so skinny. He can't hardly walk and he falls all of the time I guess because he's so drunk. This past summer AH was having alcohol induced seizures, which scared him enough that he stopped drinking for 9 weeks before he dove back into the vodka bottle. I'm sure he must be having the seizures again.
I'm planning on driving to where he lives tomorrow with our daughter and try to get him to go to the hospital for medical help. Our daughter also saw him two weeks ago and said his skin is dried up and scaly on his arms, I don't know if it's from dehydration or malnutrition or what. Also, due to a plumbing problem, he hasn't had running water in the RV for over 2 weeks, and is too "screwed up" to get it fixed, so I don't think he's showering or anything. My AH who was always a VERY clean person, is walking around in filthy clothes that smell like urine and have crap stains on the back, not shaving, not eating, just drinking.
Do you think I am doing the right thing to try, one more time, to get him to go to a hospital, or am I just interfering? I feel like I have to do something, because he's going downhill so fast. I have decided, though, that if he refuses to go, or goes and then starts drinking again when he gets out, I'm completely out of his life. I realize that even if he goes to the hospital there's a 99% chance he'll go right back to the bottle when he gets out (he always has), but I can't just let him die like this without doing anything.
Any advice? Thanks for "listening"....
Cheri
I've only seen him once since I kicked him out when I let him come here to pick up some of his things and that was a disaster. He arrived drunk (surprise) and the highlight of the evening was when he got all 5 rifles from his closet, hollering that he was going to kill himself. I'm sure the neighbors enjoyed the view of the 6 cops with drawn guns in my front yard when I called 911 for help. I've got call blocker on my home phone (praise God for whoever invented that), but he calls my cell phone (which I don't answer) up to 12 times a day. I'm a full time college student, age 46, with a daughter in college and a 21 year old working son who lives at home.
While I've done pretty well, I think, in distancing myself from him, and I try not to take on his problems anymore, I think I have to do something. My son saw his dad this morning for the first time in 2 weeks and said he looks horrible, much worse than he was 2 weeks ago, which was awful. Our son said his stocky, full bodied dad looks like an AIDS patient, he's so skinny. He can't hardly walk and he falls all of the time I guess because he's so drunk. This past summer AH was having alcohol induced seizures, which scared him enough that he stopped drinking for 9 weeks before he dove back into the vodka bottle. I'm sure he must be having the seizures again.
I'm planning on driving to where he lives tomorrow with our daughter and try to get him to go to the hospital for medical help. Our daughter also saw him two weeks ago and said his skin is dried up and scaly on his arms, I don't know if it's from dehydration or malnutrition or what. Also, due to a plumbing problem, he hasn't had running water in the RV for over 2 weeks, and is too "screwed up" to get it fixed, so I don't think he's showering or anything. My AH who was always a VERY clean person, is walking around in filthy clothes that smell like urine and have crap stains on the back, not shaving, not eating, just drinking.
Do you think I am doing the right thing to try, one more time, to get him to go to a hospital, or am I just interfering? I feel like I have to do something, because he's going downhill so fast. I have decided, though, that if he refuses to go, or goes and then starts drinking again when he gets out, I'm completely out of his life. I realize that even if he goes to the hospital there's a 99% chance he'll go right back to the bottle when he gets out (he always has), but I can't just let him die like this without doing anything.
Any advice? Thanks for "listening"....
Cheri
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
My gut reaction, (and I always trust my gut reaction) is to tell you to listen to 'your' gut reaction.
If deep down inside you feel that this is something that you must do to help him one last time, then perhaps that is the path you should take. You need to feel comfortable and have no regrets about whatever it is you decide. This is about him, yes, but it is also about you. The decision that you make is something that you will need to feel comfortable with every day for the rest of your life.
And if you do decide to help him, keep your boundaries in place...i.e., "I will do this, but will walk away if that happens", "I will do that, but will not do this", etc. etc.
I wish you the best of luck. Please keep coming back and let us know how you're doing.
If deep down inside you feel that this is something that you must do to help him one last time, then perhaps that is the path you should take. You need to feel comfortable and have no regrets about whatever it is you decide. This is about him, yes, but it is also about you. The decision that you make is something that you will need to feel comfortable with every day for the rest of your life.
And if you do decide to help him, keep your boundaries in place...i.e., "I will do this, but will walk away if that happens", "I will do that, but will not do this", etc. etc.
I wish you the best of luck. Please keep coming back and let us know how you're doing.
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Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
It is such a terrible illness. But he has to make the decision to get well. Keep yourself safe and out of harms way.
Perhaps call social services.......maybe they can have him committed to some treatment hospital?
Perhaps call social services.......maybe they can have him committed to some treatment hospital?
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
This is so tough....it's his choice to live like that, course we know they are not thinking correctly. Like has been said above, you need to be able to live with this so if you must go to his rescue one last time, lay out the ground rules and if he'll seek help great, if not you have done what you can. THEN, leave him to live his life. It is just pathetic and so painful for all involved. I feel bad for your kids watching their Dad, but remind them of the illness and his choices that he has made. Dam disease!
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 19
Thanks, everybody for the kind words and advice. I spoke with my AH this morning, he says he "can't" go anywhere today, but is willing to go to a hospital or doctor "in a couple of days." I told him that was fine, but that if he didn't go with me to get checked out on Wednesday, I would have no further contact with him at all. He told me he was going to get himself together soon, because he ordered some CD's he saw on television, and they're going to get him sober! Doesn't even know how much they cost. He did this kind of thing about a year ago, spent hundreds of dollars ordering crap off of informercials on late night TV. Right now he has a $500 ticket he got recently for speeding and failure to yield the right of way (miraculously not drunk at the time, just unbelievable), plus last months $400 cell phone bill (I haven't even gotten the most recent one for him). I'm paying his bills out of our joint money until the divorce is final.
Al-anon has taught me (or tried to) that it is okay for me to detach from this sickness my AH has, okay to have boundaries, okay to enjoy my life without feeling guilty. I get so frustrated though, the "fixer" in me wants to make everything okay. And it just seems ridiculous that legally I can't commit him for his own safety. I even called the police where he lives, told them he has alcohol seizures, he's starving himself and a danger to himself. They told me they can't intervene unless he's violent to someone else. Good grief.
Thanks again for listening...
Cheri
Al-anon has taught me (or tried to) that it is okay for me to detach from this sickness my AH has, okay to have boundaries, okay to enjoy my life without feeling guilty. I get so frustrated though, the "fixer" in me wants to make everything okay. And it just seems ridiculous that legally I can't commit him for his own safety. I even called the police where he lives, told them he has alcohol seizures, he's starving himself and a danger to himself. They told me they can't intervene unless he's violent to someone else. Good grief.
Thanks again for listening...
Cheri
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
There are CD's that get a person sober?
Crap, I wish I would have known about these CD's when I lived with my ex!
Im kidding, redhot, but in all seriousness, I think its a great idea to have a closed ended offer of help like this...I wish I would have said that earlier.
Keep us posted?
Crap, I wish I would have known about these CD's when I lived with my ex!
Im kidding, redhot, but in all seriousness, I think its a great idea to have a closed ended offer of help like this...I wish I would have said that earlier.
I told him that was fine, but that if he didn't go with me to get checked out on Wednesday, I would have no further contact with him at all
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 19
Yeah, when I looked at our online banking (which is overdrawn thanks to him paying the $500 ticket over the phone this morning), I saw the debit for these miracle cds. They're from some "Midwest Center" or something. They are the SAME ones he ordered a year ago, never listened to, and I had to send back to avoid being charged $300 or something. They send them to you for $14.95, then "if you don't like them, you can send them back in 30 days..." or else they charge you the full amount. Right, he's real good at getting to the post office to return crap. You wouldn't believe the crazy junk he ordered last year. These cd's are supposed to help you fight depression. Of course, they do work better if you play them... Maybe he can store these with the "Get rich selling Real Estate for no money down" CD's he got last year and never listened to.
Criminey nettie....
Cheri
Criminey nettie....
Cheri
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
you think it is a good/safe thing to go visit him in light of the firearms he has? you may want to get the police to assist. he is NOT at the steering wheel, alcohol is and having 5 rifles is a scary idea. he could be in a blackout and use those rifles. don't take any chances with your lives.
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
hi redhot
"plus last months $400 cell phone bill"
what may i does his itemized calls look like on the bill? are they to family members? what pattern, 24/7? perhaps calls to other alcoholics/addicts that are part of the fraternity?
"plus last months $400 cell phone bill"
what may i does his itemized calls look like on the bill? are they to family members? what pattern, 24/7? perhaps calls to other alcoholics/addicts that are part of the fraternity?
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Aurora, Colorado
Posts: 37
I echo the other sentiments here to do what your gut says but stay out of harms way. Especially if he has firearms and is drinking!
I hate this disease. My father was in the ICU in 2003 for weeks and unconscious the whole time I was there to visit. I remember asking the nurse if he would remember any of it or the turmoil everyone who came to see him would see and she said, "No, but you will."
I hate this disease. My father was in the ICU in 2003 for weeks and unconscious the whole time I was there to visit. I remember asking the nurse if he would remember any of it or the turmoil everyone who came to see him would see and she said, "No, but you will."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Austin, Texas
Posts: 19
Thanks, Steve and Gemini for your comments. Well, he only has one rifle at the RV, the rest are still at my house. I will take everyone's advice and be very careful. I can't imagine him shooting me or our daughter, but I guess there are lots of dead people who didn't imagine it either.
As far as the $400 phone bill goes, he's driven away all of his friends, so that's not it. Most of the calls are either to his sister (the other drunk, he also has 2 sisters who are the salt of the earth), or to me and the kids. He calls me over and over and over, leaving the same message everytime. He calls my cell phone, since I have him blocked from calling the home phone. I don't answer the cell, just check the messages.
Cheri
As far as the $400 phone bill goes, he's driven away all of his friends, so that's not it. Most of the calls are either to his sister (the other drunk, he also has 2 sisters who are the salt of the earth), or to me and the kids. He calls me over and over and over, leaving the same message everytime. He calls my cell phone, since I have him blocked from calling the home phone. I don't answer the cell, just check the messages.
Cheri
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