Drawing a line in the sand? Watch out for flying duck poo over your head!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: MA
Posts: 20
Drawing a line in the sand? Watch out for flying duck poo over your head!
Hi Friends
I hd advise my daughter last weekend tht sleeping out twice a week wsn't acceptable to me and tht she needed to mk other living arrangements if she wnted to continue to do tht. I allow her one night of sleeping out a week I guess bec she is of college age and I knw tht she isn't ready to surrender to the idea tht she cnt drink or do drugs at all-- I don't wnt her to do these things, but I dnt wnt her living on the streets either so I guess this is my way of coping with the problem, hoping tht she will see the light while she is home safe and sound most nights. Anyway she agreed to this last week and now tht we are close to the weekend again she told me last night tht she isn't going to do this once a week thing, bec she always sleeps at a friends house on Thursday nights and tht shouldn't count as a weekend thing--I told her before it ws once a week no matter which night. She also said I wasn't being fair making her choose between her friends like tht. I told her I wasn't making her choose or telling her she hd to stay with us, she could still see her friends but she would need to cme home and sleep in her own bed. She got quite angry at me swearing and telling me tht she would move out if tht's how it's gotta be bec she pays us 40.00 a week rent
and I said you dont' pay the mortgage, and the 40.00 doesn't entitle you to run the house. She swore some more and said she almost 20 yrs old and i should get tht thru my thick head! She said tht I could kick her out after this weekend if I wnted too but she hd already made plans w/her friends and she wsn't going to change them. She ws yelling the whole time-- I didn't bec of Al-anon- Thank God I recogized tht road and didn't go down it. I just said ok when she said I could kick her out I ws calm about it like yeah I knw I can. She went into her bedroom this lst night and of course no surprise here didn't talk to me this morning. I made the boundary and I think tht I should stick with it I thought tht by giving her tht one night I wouldn't be faced with having to tell her to leave, I thought it would work if I didn't set the boundary too high for her, but ya knw I guess I didn't set it high enough! Another mistake on my part--I wnt a better life for my daughter, I wnt her to be free of this, it's so hard when so many young people live this way, it makes it look like I am asking the impossible of her. I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! The sad part is tht I felt thru the help of Al-Anon tht we were beginning to make some real progress in repairing our relationship, but I can see now tht ws a false hope, she hsnt really changed her view of me.
The deep love you hv for your child ---Wht does it get you? HURT
I hv to stay strong and do the right thing if I ever wnt her to hv a chance at a better life, I just wish it ws easier maybe someday she'll come to knw tht I did it out of love. Sparrow ---still trying to fly with a broken wing.
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I hd advise my daughter last weekend tht sleeping out twice a week wsn't acceptable to me and tht she needed to mk other living arrangements if she wnted to continue to do tht. I allow her one night of sleeping out a week I guess bec she is of college age and I knw tht she isn't ready to surrender to the idea tht she cnt drink or do drugs at all-- I don't wnt her to do these things, but I dnt wnt her living on the streets either so I guess this is my way of coping with the problem, hoping tht she will see the light while she is home safe and sound most nights. Anyway she agreed to this last week and now tht we are close to the weekend again she told me last night tht she isn't going to do this once a week thing, bec she always sleeps at a friends house on Thursday nights and tht shouldn't count as a weekend thing--I told her before it ws once a week no matter which night. She also said I wasn't being fair making her choose between her friends like tht. I told her I wasn't making her choose or telling her she hd to stay with us, she could still see her friends but she would need to cme home and sleep in her own bed. She got quite angry at me swearing and telling me tht she would move out if tht's how it's gotta be bec she pays us 40.00 a week rent
and I said you dont' pay the mortgage, and the 40.00 doesn't entitle you to run the house. She swore some more and said she almost 20 yrs old and i should get tht thru my thick head! She said tht I could kick her out after this weekend if I wnted too but she hd already made plans w/her friends and she wsn't going to change them. She ws yelling the whole time-- I didn't bec of Al-anon- Thank God I recogized tht road and didn't go down it. I just said ok when she said I could kick her out I ws calm about it like yeah I knw I can. She went into her bedroom this lst night and of course no surprise here didn't talk to me this morning. I made the boundary and I think tht I should stick with it I thought tht by giving her tht one night I wouldn't be faced with having to tell her to leave, I thought it would work if I didn't set the boundary too high for her, but ya knw I guess I didn't set it high enough! Another mistake on my part--I wnt a better life for my daughter, I wnt her to be free of this, it's so hard when so many young people live this way, it makes it look like I am asking the impossible of her. I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! The sad part is tht I felt thru the help of Al-Anon tht we were beginning to make some real progress in repairing our relationship, but I can see now tht ws a false hope, she hsnt really changed her view of me.
The deep love you hv for your child ---Wht does it get you? HURT
I hv to stay strong and do the right thing if I ever wnt her to hv a chance at a better life, I just wish it ws easier maybe someday she'll come to knw tht I did it out of love. Sparrow ---still trying to fly with a broken wing.
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Boundaries get tested. You're doing just fine!Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
My son and I have been through this countless times. I have bent sometimes and broken others but I did come out on top. Today he kknows I mean what I say. You have not done this to her and she will be fine in a day or so. She is mad.
Now is the time for a big hug!! You did good!!
(((HUGS)))
JT
Now is the time for a big hug!! You did good!!
(((HUGS)))
JT
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Oh Sparrow, I've been right down that road you are on now. You're doing good. You've set your boundaries and you have to stick to them. Otherwise, it will be the tail wagging the dog. And trust me, the tail wagged our household for a while until we saw the light.
I think the saddest part of your story to me is that your daugther thinks she can still use. Until she comes to the realization that she just cannot do it, ya'll will continue to have these up and down battles. (Of course there are up and down battles in recovery too, but that's another post.) Set your boundaries and stick to them. NOTHING she does is your fault. If she chooses to move out cause she doesn't like your one night a week rule, then that is HER decision. Smokes is SO RIGHT. If you had said she could have 7 nights a week, she'd be complaining cause you didn't give her 8!!! (Honey, how well I know. I live with one of these!!!!!!) If you were to back off on your rules now, you'd only be enabling her.
Hang in there, Sparrow. All of us moms here know exactly what you're going through. Don't you just love it when they talk to you like you're a dog and then expect you to give in??? Gotta love the reasoning of a child A!
Love ya,
Hangin' In
I think the saddest part of your story to me is that your daugther thinks she can still use. Until she comes to the realization that she just cannot do it, ya'll will continue to have these up and down battles. (Of course there are up and down battles in recovery too, but that's another post.) Set your boundaries and stick to them. NOTHING she does is your fault. If she chooses to move out cause she doesn't like your one night a week rule, then that is HER decision. Smokes is SO RIGHT. If you had said she could have 7 nights a week, she'd be complaining cause you didn't give her 8!!! (Honey, how well I know. I live with one of these!!!!!!) If you were to back off on your rules now, you'd only be enabling her.
Hang in there, Sparrow. All of us moms here know exactly what you're going through. Don't you just love it when they talk to you like you're a dog and then expect you to give in??? Gotta love the reasoning of a child A!
Love ya,
Hangin' In
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
(((((((((Sparrow)))))))
Somedays all I can do is remember to count the good days and the good times....
Al-Anon never promised me life would be roses without the thorns. But if I keep on working the program I can learn to stay in the eye of the storm....
even with kids and grandkids I have to keep the focus on me and my H.P. I truly believe the best gift I can give our kids is to become healthy myself...
Keep coming back it works if you work it!!
Love and prayers from one who cares
Somedays all I can do is remember to count the good days and the good times....
Al-Anon never promised me life would be roses without the thorns. But if I keep on working the program I can learn to stay in the eye of the storm....
even with kids and grandkids I have to keep the focus on me and my H.P. I truly believe the best gift I can give our kids is to become healthy myself...
Keep coming back it works if you work it!!
Love and prayers from one who cares
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
sparrow
i think your doing good sticking with your
rules and thats that. she can take it or leave
it, and she will get over trying to use her anger
to change your mind. that might of worked for her
before you came to alanon, she isnt changing yet
but you are !!
oh and i so hate when they talk down to ya !
but i must say i heard the sarcasm in my own voice
in those days and of cource they responded in kind.
I now have a new respect for my adult children and
myself so those days seem to be passed.thank God
for this program
progress- not perfection
Hugs
liddy
i think your doing good sticking with your
rules and thats that. she can take it or leave
it, and she will get over trying to use her anger
to change your mind. that might of worked for her
before you came to alanon, she isnt changing yet
but you are !!
oh and i so hate when they talk down to ya !
but i must say i heard the sarcasm in my own voice
in those days and of cource they responded in kind.
I now have a new respect for my adult children and
myself so those days seem to be passed.thank God
for this program
progress- not perfection
Hugs
liddy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sparrow
You did just fine. Her bad reaction and bad behaviour is just that - bad behaviour. Don't take ownership of it.
When my son lived at home, he was 34 years old - a grown man who had been married and has a child that he never sees. My boundariy was that he had to be home by 11 on week nights and midnight on weekends. He knew that at those times I locked my door and it didn't mean he could come back in the morning, it meant he could come back in the morning and pick up his things and move. He resented having a curfew at his age, but he did respect it (it's all the other things he didn't respect that got him thrown out in the end).
My point is, that my curfew boundary was about ME, and about MY need for sleep. And when he lived at home, I couldn't sleep until he was home safely. It was not about controlling him or his life.
Your home is your safe place, your place of serenity and peace. Don't let her take that away from you.
It was hard asking my son to move out, but my sanity depended on it and in the end it was the best decision I ever made, and we have a better relationship living on two different places.
You are the adult, and it is YOUR home. You get to make the rules and if she doesn't like them, tell her you will love her just as much living somewhere else.
Big hugs and God Bless every mother of an addict.
You did just fine. Her bad reaction and bad behaviour is just that - bad behaviour. Don't take ownership of it.
When my son lived at home, he was 34 years old - a grown man who had been married and has a child that he never sees. My boundariy was that he had to be home by 11 on week nights and midnight on weekends. He knew that at those times I locked my door and it didn't mean he could come back in the morning, it meant he could come back in the morning and pick up his things and move. He resented having a curfew at his age, but he did respect it (it's all the other things he didn't respect that got him thrown out in the end).
My point is, that my curfew boundary was about ME, and about MY need for sleep. And when he lived at home, I couldn't sleep until he was home safely. It was not about controlling him or his life.
Your home is your safe place, your place of serenity and peace. Don't let her take that away from you.
It was hard asking my son to move out, but my sanity depended on it and in the end it was the best decision I ever made, and we have a better relationship living on two different places.
You are the adult, and it is YOUR home. You get to make the rules and if she doesn't like them, tell her you will love her just as much living somewhere else.
Big hugs and God Bless every mother of an addict.
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