|
X'mas time and he's gone. Hi I'm glad to find this site as I was browsing last night. It's a comfort to know there are thousands of people going thru the same thing as me. I have been going out with my bf for 2 years. Tuesday just gone was our anniversary. He took me out for a meal and promised he will not have a drink that night as he does not want to **** me off on such a special day( 2 yrs is the longest relationship he had). But of course he did have a drink. He drank 8 pints and in restaurant and bottle of vodka when he got home. I tried to stop him but it has gone too far. He started accusing me giving him Sxxt all the time and that I should be grateful that he paid for the meal(I can count in 1 hand the times he treated me during the 2 yrs we've been together). We had this same routine every week and something inside me snapped this time. I threw him out 3am and told him to packed his things the next day. He did. He said he wants to get better but he has done absolutely nothing to indicate he wants to. It's mentally exhausting. I have a business to run and this can't carry on. It drains me. I love him so much. I gave him my love, my time, my forgiveness( he cheated on me once) but I have come to realized that he is just taking the **** out of me to see how much more I could take. My ex bf was the same. He left me for another woman at the end. Why do I always attract this kind of men? I'm not a drinker. Do you guys think I should get rid of him once and for all? He works for me. Please help me to stay strong. xx |
Welcome to SR Mani81. Glad to have you here.
Originally Posted by Mani81
(Post 1139563)
Why do I always attract this kind of men? Should you get rid of him? Only you can answer that...maybe not now, but in time. Take some time and read through the threads here and the stickies at the top too. Again, welcome to SR. |
In the past he would promise me he'll change and so on. But not this time. Maybe he knows too he will not change. I feel sick. I failed once again. I'm back to square one, back to the day my ex left me. It brings back all the bad memories. He makes me so paranoid. I had spy him in the past when he went out drinking with his mate to see if he left with another woman. I hate the person i have become. |
Originally Posted by Mani In the past he would promise me he'll change and so on. But not this time.
Originally Posted by Mani81
(Post 1139644)
I failed once again. I'm back to square one...
Originally Posted by Mani81
(Post 1139644)
I had spy him in the past when he went out drinking with his mate to see if he left with another woman. I hate the person i have become. Remember, the only person you can change is yourself. |
The only person you are failing by staying with himis:You. Many of us have bad pickers, what we need to do is work on us, discover why we make these bad choices. Could it be because of our past, monkey see monkey do. Could it be because we have low self esteem. Could it be because we have a co-dependent personality It could be a number of things, time for you to find out what it is. Time to break the cycle. Dolly |
Most of us have felt the way you feel right now. I've spied on mine and felt like s*** afterwards. He's "cheated" (with his wife whom he was separated from at the time) on me too. Many women on here are married to the A's in their life. I, like you, am not. No one can answer for you what you should do but I would suggest you keep reading the stories on here. It's helped open my eyes to what my future will be like if had I stayed with my exabf. Even my exabf's mom once told me "you don't need an alcoholic in your life". She loves her son dearly so I took that remark very seriously. I've also read on here that it is dfficult to shake an alcoholic and I have come to find that to be true. They tend to be very needy. Something I still don't understand when it seems most times they just need anyone to be there to complain to. But I just thought I'd trhow this in because if he works for you it will be difficult to end your relationship. I still love my exabf but I'm content to love him from a distance because I just can't live my life that way anymore. This is the way I'm dealing with it now. |
Welcome to SR Two things in your posts jumped out at me. That you always attract this kind of man and you are sick of who you've become. You could be at the beginning of your personal recovery - recognizing the problem (because it isn't his drinking) and becoming willing to seek out reasons and solutions. Have you tried Al-Anon or individual therapy? Keep posting - I suspect there are millions of us going through this - and good luck. |
Do I think you should leave him once and for all? ABSOLUTELY. But contrary to what you might think, that won't solve all your problems. If you don't get help for yourself, you are destined to pick yet another partner nearly the same as your last, as you, yourself, said you've already done once. Why? That's because unless we learn from our past mistakes, we are also destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again. So what mistakes are you making, you might ask? Well, accepting unacceptable behavior from your partners for one and not just on one occassion, but repeatedly over the past two years. You also accept a partner who obviously doesn't share the financial burdeon. One who's most likely an alcoholic and one who's cheated on you. Most women would have run from this a long time ago. So why, then, do folks like you and me stay? Because we don't think we deserve more. The good new is that you're starting to question the part you play in this mess, or you wouldn't be here. So how do you get help for yourself? I used Alanon, SoberRecovery, and did lots of research on alcoholism and codependency. Stick around, there's much support to be had here and much to learn. I look forward to getting to know you. |
It's time to find yourself. To find the answers as to why you pick this kind of man, why you accept the unacceptable, and why you are so unsure of making your own decisions. It has been in rediscovering myself and what it is that I want (and don't want) in my life that have been the most constructive in putting my life back together - one day at a time. If the life and relationships that you have been having is not the life that you wish to have - you have the choices and the ability to change it. It's up to you. And the changing begins with you. |
Originally Posted by Mani81
(Post 1139644)
I feel sick. I failed once again. I'm back to square one, back to the day my ex left me. It brings back all the bad memories. He makes me so paranoid. I had spy him in the past when he went out drinking with his mate to see if he left with another woman. I hate the person i have become. |
(((Hugs to You))) and Welcome to SR. I think that you have come to the realization that you must work on yourself first. I am still learning this for myself. Bless you and keep coming back |
Thank you all for replying. After reading all your posts I cried and cried. I was forced to confront my own issues head on. My own insecurities had made me end up where I'm today. I tried to please them as much as I can. Letting them get away with things that were unacceptable hoping they would like me more? Losing so much weight hoping they'll fancy me more? Looking at it from an outsider point of view it just doesn't make sense at all. I just could not see it. I had my priorities all wrong. I had no doubt they loved me. But not as much as they love themselves. |
Yes get rid of him once and for all. Active A's are just along for the ride. He will suck you dry of anything and everything spiritually,emotionally,financially and physically. I'm sure you can find another employee. Cat
Originally Posted by Mani81
(Post 1139563)
Hi I'm glad to find this site as I was browsing last night. It's a comfort to know there are thousands of people going thru the same thing as me. I have been going out with my bf for 2 years. Tuesday just gone was our anniversary. He took me out for a meal and promised he will not have a drink that night as he does not want to **** me off on such a special day( 2 yrs is the longest relationship he had). But of course he did have a drink. He drank 8 pints and in restaurant and bottle of vodka when he got home. I tried to stop him but it has gone too far. He started accusing me giving him Sxxt all the time and that I should be grateful that he paid for the meal(I can count in 1 hand the times he treated me during the 2 yrs we've been together). We had this same routine every week and something inside me snapped this time. I threw him out 3am and told him to packed his things the next day. He did. He said he wants to get better but he has done absolutely nothing to indicate he wants to. It's mentally exhausting. I have a business to run and this can't carry on. It drains me. I love him so much. I gave him my love, my time, my forgiveness( he cheated on me once) but I have come to realized that he is just taking the **** out of me to see how much more I could take. My ex bf was the same. He left me for another woman at the end. Why do I always attract this kind of men? I'm not a drinker. Do you guys think I should get rid of him once and for all? He works for me. Please help me to stay strong. xx |
And he will keep promising and never follow through on them. You need to get rid of him for YOU and then work on you to find out why you end up with these guys. Cat
Originally Posted by Mani81
(Post 1139644)
In the past he would promise me he'll change and so on. But not this time. Maybe he knows too he will not change. I feel sick. I failed once again. I'm back to square one, back to the day my ex left me. It brings back all the bad memories. He makes me so paranoid. I had spy him in the past when he went out drinking with his mate to see if he left with another woman. I hate the person i have become. |
It breaks my heart to see him at work everyday. Pretending I'm doing ok when I really am not. I took all his xmas presents back to the store for refund. I feel so sad. |
It's always harder when people have relationship issues (breakups, problems, etc.) that occur around the holidays. You see all the tv ads and commericals showing happy people and you wonder why you don't feel that way and wish you could have that for yourself. A lot of that is just fantasy...kind of like the fairy tales we were told as kids. The holidays are very difficult for me right now. So, you're not alone in feeling that way. Just know that because you feel sad today, doesn't mean that you'll feel sad forever. It's a temporary state of mind because you're hurting right now. On the positive side, pain is a tremendous motivator to change. You have the power and control to work towards a better tomorrow by making healthier choices for you in the present. It takes a lot of work, but the time and effort spent is so well worth it. What nice thing can you do for yourself today that maybe you haven't done in a long time? Do you even know what make you happy? Perhaps making a list of all the things you'd like to do in the coming months and doing 1 of those things each day might help you along your way. Keep coming back and talking it out. It's helped so many of us here and it can help you too! |
It's Christmas day today and I'm on my own. My ex is getting on with his life carry on drinking as if nothin has happened. How could he gladly seek happiness at the expense of someone else's? I don't feel terribly sad today it has been replaced with anger. I want him hurt. I know it's immature but I gave him an earbashing yesterday telling him he's useless and his life is over. I'll start to look for somebody then pay him off after the new year. It's unbearable to see him everyday. |
*hugs* I hear the pain in your post this morning and I wish I could reach out and give you a real hug. Sweetie.... regardless of how it seem and feels, this is not about you. Please dont take it personally and dont think for one moment your immature for having expressed yourself. This is a hard place to be and there are no words that can express the depth of our pain at times.... but please remember it is not about you. He is sick and it is a pity that he is sick, but none the less sick, it is a disease and not your problem to handle. I wish you a peaceful day and I hope that you find help in your recovery because there is no reason for you to feel like you do today.... it does get better, with help....I promise that. |
Mani - I feel your pain too hun - keep your chin up and stay the course.....if he doesnt face consequences then he has no reason to try and get help....his consequence will be that he lost YOU. I know you feel that you did something wrong but that is how the manipulation part of his disease works hun.... Merry X-Mass Sweetie.... Janit |
I've done it. My ex had not made any affort to patch things up during the holidays. Part of me was still holding out for him. But I guess if he wanted to make up he would have by now. He has join AA since new years day and has been going 3-4 times a week. He just kept saying his head is messed up and he doesnt know what to do. He is also crying a lot but so am I. He wants me to be there for him but not as a girlfriend. I really really tried my best but it's so hard knowing that he no longer want a life with me but just want me to be there WHEN he needs me. He said he would find it hard after all the things I said to him. What about the things he said to me??? None of his drinking mates has been around since he stopped drinking. During this whole thing he never once asked how I was. It's always me asking him how he's coping. I just cant face seeing him everyday. I cannot get over him if I see him everyday. I gave him 3 weeks notice to find another job last night. I dont have a choice. I cant put my life on hold in the hope that one day he would tell me he loves me again? We talked about the work situation before i said I'll try but I realized I just cant do it. I feel so bad.... I do want to be there for him. But right now he must hate me........I dont want him to hate me. |
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:39 PM. |