OK... now I am missing him
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
OK... now I am missing him
Hi guys,
Now, I wanna say right off the bat that nothing has changed; My boundaries still exist and I will not let them be broken. I cannot... I am existing and healing, because I was able to take such big steps this weekend.
But... I have to admit it. I am sooo missing him. Even thru the active drinking, there were many times I got to have the REAL him. I got to love him and share with him. Yup, I am missing him. I keep going over in my mind how good it feels to have his warmth cuddled up next to me.
Like I said, I am not going back, and nothing has changed. I suppose now is when the real work begins. I have to stay strong and have faith. Maybe, just maybe I'll see that REAL person in my life again.
Meg
Now, I wanna say right off the bat that nothing has changed; My boundaries still exist and I will not let them be broken. I cannot... I am existing and healing, because I was able to take such big steps this weekend.
But... I have to admit it. I am sooo missing him. Even thru the active drinking, there were many times I got to have the REAL him. I got to love him and share with him. Yup, I am missing him. I keep going over in my mind how good it feels to have his warmth cuddled up next to me.
Like I said, I am not going back, and nothing has changed. I suppose now is when the real work begins. I have to stay strong and have faith. Maybe, just maybe I'll see that REAL person in my life again.
Meg
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Meg
It takes time to heal and get balanced again, and it takes time to work through the pain. It is a grieving process, for the loss of our dreams and what we once had. But as we heal, we move forward again and the light becomes brighter each day.
Sending hugs and prayers to let you know we care.
It takes time to heal and get balanced again, and it takes time to work through the pain. It is a grieving process, for the loss of our dreams and what we once had. But as we heal, we move forward again and the light becomes brighter each day.
Sending hugs and prayers to let you know we care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Ohio
Posts: 444
(((Meg)))
I know it's hard..... But sometimes in order to have what you really want in life, you have to give some things up. For now, it's the time with him while he heals--and while you heal. What you need to do during these down times, is turn it into something constructive--work on yourself, your kids, and your home. Do some good things for yourself, and your kids too. They've been hurting too. Perhaps taking your mind off your troubles and putting it on something else will really help.
Hugs, Lyn
Hugs, Lyn
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
Of course you are going to miss him. I can understand. But, think about all the times you were able to enjoy him when he was sober. If he can do this, you will be able to have many more of those times.
After 5 years of it with my husband I suddenly feel like he has come home to me. He has even begun to open up about things that he had lied about before.
I know I say it a lot, but, Stay Strong. Enjoy the day. Do something good for yourself today.
NoDoubts
After 5 years of it with my husband I suddenly feel like he has come home to me. He has even begun to open up about things that he had lied about before.
I know I say it a lot, but, Stay Strong. Enjoy the day. Do something good for yourself today.
NoDoubts
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Meg,
I'm sorry you are having those pangs of missing him. But Meg, think about it this way. You are missing the GOOD times, but lately, have any of your times with him been good? Doesn't sound like it. Please, don't misunderstand. I'm not putting him down, not at all. But I don't want you to lose focus on what is best for you right now.
I heard Dr. Phil say that when in a situation likes your's, the person ends up missing the person they WISH they had, NOT the person they had.
Please know I understand what you are feeling. But you've come so far, so I'm wanting you to stay focused on what is best for you and the kids right now. Just try to take it one day at a time. Afterall, this is no race, there is no deadline. Take it one day at a time and life will unfold to show you if your husband is really going to want his sobriety or not.
You hang in there, gal. I'm keeping you and the kids in my prayers.
All of us here want what is best for you.
Love,
Hangin' In
I'm sorry you are having those pangs of missing him. But Meg, think about it this way. You are missing the GOOD times, but lately, have any of your times with him been good? Doesn't sound like it. Please, don't misunderstand. I'm not putting him down, not at all. But I don't want you to lose focus on what is best for you right now.
I heard Dr. Phil say that when in a situation likes your's, the person ends up missing the person they WISH they had, NOT the person they had.
Please know I understand what you are feeling. But you've come so far, so I'm wanting you to stay focused on what is best for you and the kids right now. Just try to take it one day at a time. Afterall, this is no race, there is no deadline. Take it one day at a time and life will unfold to show you if your husband is really going to want his sobriety or not.
You hang in there, gal. I'm keeping you and the kids in my prayers.
All of us here want what is best for you.
Love,
Hangin' In
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
A little bit of faith
Hmmmm... maybe I should change my name. From EmotionalMeg to ____________ ? Just can't think of anything. It just seems that lately instead of being emotional, I have been survivng on instinct and the faith in my program, and in God. That is scary actually, because my mnid has not let me cry... it has not let me break down at all. And I suppose that happens to protect ourselves. I just know that the person that used to live inside of me, who was wanting to "fix" and "smooth over"; who used to cry and give in all the time, has just not been around. Instead, there lives this empowered soul, determined to NOT let herself down, and NOT make the same mistakes.
I got an email today from my A's very best friend. I had already told him all of what was happeneing, and sent him the link to this site... He is a very important person in my A's life, and in mine as he truly cares for and loves the both of us. A few years ago this friend found a very strong faith in his chosen religion. And it's funny because a few years ago, we both thought he was nuts - like "ok, he's really gone off the deep end now". But I am in awe as to what this renewed faith has brought to his life. He is the happiest, most loving, most sincere person I know today... and it is because he truly believes his God is taking care of him. He was always a unique, happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and now he is all of that quadrupled. I told him in an email, that I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him... for caring, and for encouraging my A in his struggles, and me in mine. I was crying as I told him of how amazed I was in his faith, and how I wanted a little piece of that as well. It was with that email that I realized how open my heart is right now to accepting my higher power in my life. With all that has happened, I have truly surrendered.... I guess I am here just waiting... In transition maybe?
Anyhow, It has been a very powerful morning, and it is only 10am... Wonder what the rest of my day has in store :p
Take care
and thank you... even tho it seems as tho I don't respond EXACTLY to what you have said, I am stockpiling all of the encouragement in my heart. Your words are always there for me to pull out when I need them.
Meg
I got an email today from my A's very best friend. I had already told him all of what was happeneing, and sent him the link to this site... He is a very important person in my A's life, and in mine as he truly cares for and loves the both of us. A few years ago this friend found a very strong faith in his chosen religion. And it's funny because a few years ago, we both thought he was nuts - like "ok, he's really gone off the deep end now". But I am in awe as to what this renewed faith has brought to his life. He is the happiest, most loving, most sincere person I know today... and it is because he truly believes his God is taking care of him. He was always a unique, happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and now he is all of that quadrupled. I told him in an email, that I wanted him to know how much I appreciated him... for caring, and for encouraging my A in his struggles, and me in mine. I was crying as I told him of how amazed I was in his faith, and how I wanted a little piece of that as well. It was with that email that I realized how open my heart is right now to accepting my higher power in my life. With all that has happened, I have truly surrendered.... I guess I am here just waiting... In transition maybe?
Anyhow, It has been a very powerful morning, and it is only 10am... Wonder what the rest of my day has in store :p
Take care
and thank you... even tho it seems as tho I don't respond EXACTLY to what you have said, I am stockpiling all of the encouragement in my heart. Your words are always there for me to pull out when I need them.
Meg
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
WOW!
You go girl!!!
It sounds like you are on your way to real recovery Meg.....My feelings are transitory (?) but the facts are still the same...I have a program that works....I have a sponsor...I have my home group and now these boards.... They all help me find the balance as I walk the walk that my H.P. has given me...
Stay in the moment, Meg,
You are a mircle in the making...you now have an open heart to your Higher Power and that's all you need.
Love and prayers from one who cares
You go girl!!!
It sounds like you are on your way to real recovery Meg.....My feelings are transitory (?) but the facts are still the same...I have a program that works....I have a sponsor...I have my home group and now these boards.... They all help me find the balance as I walk the walk that my H.P. has given me...
Stay in the moment, Meg,
You are a mircle in the making...you now have an open heart to your Higher Power and that's all you need.
Love and prayers from one who cares
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Sounds like you and your husband have a TRUE friend that you can lean on and share with and that is wonderful. You have been so strong and taken such strides.
I can understand how you feel about missing him, but I have to agree with Hangin or Dr. Phil. We tend to miss the person that we want them to be not who they are or have become. Stick to your boundaries as I imagine your feelings and emotions will change rapidly!
Keep putting things in your HP hands, your faith will grow and you will soon have a piece of what your friend has found. It is available for anyone who seeks it. My prayers will be with you.
Constant
I can understand how you feel about missing him, but I have to agree with Hangin or Dr. Phil. We tend to miss the person that we want them to be not who they are or have become. Stick to your boundaries as I imagine your feelings and emotions will change rapidly!
Keep putting things in your HP hands, your faith will grow and you will soon have a piece of what your friend has found. It is available for anyone who seeks it. My prayers will be with you.
Constant
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
gotta keep reminding me
Geesh... I guess you're right,
I have to keep reminding myself of what Dr. Phil said:
"the person ends up missing the person they WISH they had, NOT the person they had."
It IS all to easy to fall back into the old patterns. I just got off the phone with him. It actually went OK, but I did tell him I missed him.
He knows he cannot come home right now... he will most likely be going back to treatment. He was talking about how grateful he is to have such a loving family, and how shamed he is that he hurt us so bad. But... I think I DID hear some quacking going on. Somehow the conversation was already heading towards plans for "us" after he gets out... eek!! I recognized it.. and I called him on it. I just said that I was not ready to even think about the future, and that it would be too soon after treatment as well.
This is very hard... please keep poking and prodding at me guys,
You guys are great Thanks
Meg
I have to keep reminding myself of what Dr. Phil said:
"the person ends up missing the person they WISH they had, NOT the person they had."
It IS all to easy to fall back into the old patterns. I just got off the phone with him. It actually went OK, but I did tell him I missed him.
He knows he cannot come home right now... he will most likely be going back to treatment. He was talking about how grateful he is to have such a loving family, and how shamed he is that he hurt us so bad. But... I think I DID hear some quacking going on. Somehow the conversation was already heading towards plans for "us" after he gets out...
eek!! I recognized it.. and I called him on it. I just said that I was not ready to even think about the future, and that it would be too soon after treatment as well.This is very hard... please keep poking and prodding at me guys,
You guys are great Thanks
Meg
Southern through and through
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: In.....trouble :-)
Posts: 1,453
Ok, soberrecovery board members, you heard her. She said, and I quote, "Keep poking and prodding at me guys." Well ladies and germs, what are we to do but to do as she wishes!!!!!...smiles.
I'm passing out cattle prods to everyone here. We have a mission....to keep Meg on the straight and narrow to where she wants to go!!!
Hey, don't push. There are enough prods for everyone!...
Love ya, Meg! And I promise you, you'll thank us for this later on...
I'm passing out cattle prods to everyone here. We have a mission....to keep Meg on the straight and narrow to where she wants to go!!!
Hey, don't push. There are enough prods for everyone!...
Love ya, Meg! And I promise you, you'll thank us for this later on...
Meg
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: utah
Posts: 42
Meg,
Do I ever know how you feel!! I left my A about three months ago and I am living with my parents with 1 year old twins. I was absolutely miserable when I left. Just could not take another day of his drinking. Since coming here I have found a great job, started a masters degree program and feel very much at peace. He has come to visit a couple of times and it was a little strained. I guess it took me leaving for him to begin working his program. He's diligent about going to AA, has a sponsor and is at like 50 days or something. I'm proud of him and think he's on the right track but no matter how much he begs, I will not go back to him right now. It's very hard sometimes because I want the "old" him back. The fun guy that never got out of control. You know what I mean I;m sure. And now that he's sober he's like his old self again. The bad memories are still there and no matter how much I'd like to be back with him, I will not do it until he earns my trust and respect. I have two little ones that deserve a happy, peaceful life and I won't put us in a situation that will lead down that road again.
So.... I just wanted to say Hang in there! It is hard but hopefully you'll find some peace in your life. Thats how I finally knew that I had made the right decision. It's so nice to be away from him physically and not have to worry about what he's doing anymore. It really put the burden on him instead of me. And I used to think I had to carry that burden. The way I see it, if things are meant to be then it will all work out one day. And if thats the case, then I decide when that day has arrived. Stick to your boundaries-they're really important for your well being.
Do I ever know how you feel!! I left my A about three months ago and I am living with my parents with 1 year old twins. I was absolutely miserable when I left. Just could not take another day of his drinking. Since coming here I have found a great job, started a masters degree program and feel very much at peace. He has come to visit a couple of times and it was a little strained. I guess it took me leaving for him to begin working his program. He's diligent about going to AA, has a sponsor and is at like 50 days or something. I'm proud of him and think he's on the right track but no matter how much he begs, I will not go back to him right now. It's very hard sometimes because I want the "old" him back. The fun guy that never got out of control. You know what I mean I;m sure. And now that he's sober he's like his old self again. The bad memories are still there and no matter how much I'd like to be back with him, I will not do it until he earns my trust and respect. I have two little ones that deserve a happy, peaceful life and I won't put us in a situation that will lead down that road again.
So.... I just wanted to say Hang in there! It is hard but hopefully you'll find some peace in your life. Thats how I finally knew that I had made the right decision. It's so nice to be away from him physically and not have to worry about what he's doing anymore. It really put the burden on him instead of me. And I used to think I had to carry that burden. The way I see it, if things are meant to be then it will all work out one day. And if thats the case, then I decide when that day has arrived. Stick to your boundaries-they're really important for your well being.
Learning to love life...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Paige n,
Sounds like you've been thru the ringer too. It is comforting to hear your words as you sound like you are feeling so strong. I have been telling people that I am OK, and I feel strong too... But it's funny how people assume you should be crying and an emotional mess in this situation. UM, excuse me... I have been an emotional mess for years, have you not noticed! It is only now, when I finally find my awakening that things are starting to feel good again... I guess one does not "get it" unless they've been there too.
I have had a few conversatins with my A over the last couple of days, and I still hear the "quacking".. you know, that good old alcoholic behavior, even tho they're sober. The hard part is not letting my mind expell the words that have come so naturally in the past - all those codependant reactions. I have been very strong in stating my boundaries tho... I hope that continues.
Anyhow, I was glad to hear from you... keep posting. "We all love each other in a very special way..." Those words often ring in my ears when I come to these boards.
Take care
Meg
Sounds like you've been thru the ringer too. It is comforting to hear your words as you sound like you are feeling so strong. I have been telling people that I am OK, and I feel strong too... But it's funny how people assume you should be crying and an emotional mess in this situation. UM, excuse me... I have been an emotional mess for years, have you not noticed! It is only now, when I finally find my awakening that things are starting to feel good again... I guess one does not "get it" unless they've been there too.
I have had a few conversatins with my A over the last couple of days, and I still hear the "quacking".. you know, that good old alcoholic behavior, even tho they're sober. The hard part is not letting my mind expell the words that have come so naturally in the past - all those codependant reactions. I have been very strong in stating my boundaries tho... I hope that continues.
Anyhow, I was glad to hear from you... keep posting. "We all love each other in a very special way..." Those words often ring in my ears when I come to these boards.
Take care
Meg
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