ag2th

It's 1:46 here in Texas..don't even know what to write..just tired. Have 3 kids and a husband of 16 years. Looks to everyone like we have it all. Spent another night of shear terror waiting for husband to come home..he got here at 1:00. Last time we talked he was already lit up and that was at 8:15. He goes out with coworkers after work and drives home..sometimes really drunk..sometimes just tipsy..thing is..you never know what it will be. He functions fine at work. Has his celly with him and purposely doesn't answer my repeated calls to come home. Every time this happens..I'm furious and last time I said he was causing me to hate him. His response was if you feel that way we should get a divorce. I cried and said that I hate the years of pain and worry. I hate the memory of bailing him out of jail pregnant with my 2nd and with the 1st little one holding my hand. I hate begging God to bring him home safely. I hate worrying about the bottom falling out of my life at any given moment. He thinks that he should be able to go out and drink..the others all go. I've said they are not alcoholics..who knows they probably are. I've said you have a wife and 3 kids and these guys don't. He doesnt care..what can I do. I don't want a divorce..I want him to change. Any thoughts on anything at all that I can say or do to help him see that he can't do this? He rarely drinks too much at home..it's when he's out in a social environment. This is breaking my heart..please any advice..I havent gone to alanon because I'm really private but I can change..thanks for any advice..

rivercitybelle

Hi,
Welcome to SR!
Parts of your story sound VERY familiar.
Six years ago that was exactly what I thinking. I could no longer deal with his driving drunk or passing out as he ate dinner or ranting and raving at me over ???. After 20+ years of marriage, I woke up as I called it. I decided I did not want to live that way any more.
I came to learn that I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it. I couldn't make him change ... the only one I could change was me. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.
My advice is read the stickys at the top of the forum, check out the books Codependant No More and Getting Them Sober. Try Alanon. Read some of the other posts. The more you learn about alcoholism the better it is for you.

Sorry I don't have a magic pill to be able to tell you about to change him, but I can tell you, you are not alone! Welcome again...

prodigal

Welcome. I'm glad you're here because you sound as if you really need some support right now. I rarely go to bed before 2:30 a.m. (Arizona time) so I generally "sit up" with the other insomniacs that post here in the wee hours of the morning.

First, he is not causing you to hate him. Nobody on Earth has that power. You hate the disease. We all do. That's why we're here to support one another. You hate all the years of worry he has caused you, but he didn't cause it. You have chosen to worry. Of course, it is natural to worry about a loved one, particularly a loved one who is driving drunk. But you are worrying yourself sick. As you are seeing, his disease is now your disease too. Alcoholism is an equal opportunity destroyer and it takes down everyone in its path.

I'm sure there isn't a single person on this board who hasn't wanted the alcoholic in their life to change. Just as he does not have the power to make you hate him, you do not have the power to control his drinking or his behavior. He wants to drink. He is going to drink. You cannot stop him from drinking. He has told you if you're miserable, you can get a divorce. Who is he choosing here - you or the booze? It is the most bitter pill you will ever have to swallow but these are the realities of alcoholism.

Please, please, please, seek out an Al-anon meeting in your area. Nothing that is said in those rooms leaves those rooms. There are people there who can give you love and support and understanding. Please read the stickies at the top of this forum and read some of our posts.

Yes, he is breaking your heart. We've all had our hearts stomped on here by an alcoholic. But you are dealing with a sick person who doesn't even care about his own well-being. How can you expect him to sympathize with what he's doing to you, or even understand it? You said, "He doesn't care ... what can I do?" Well, if he doesn't care, you can't make him care. As I just told another new poster, if he has to choose between you and the bottle, the bottle is going to win out.

He'll be happily zoned out in laa-laa land while you'll be home going crazy and getting an ulcer from worrying about someone who, at this point in time, doesn't give a hoot that he's hurting you and his children.

Others will be along soon to reply to your post. Remember this: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. I'll say a prayer for you. And as long as you are praying for your husband's safety, pray for guidance and a path towards some serenity: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Just keep saying the serenity prayer because it may help you to stay calm. It certainly has gotten me through some REAL rough times.

Please keep posting because we care about what is happening to you and your family.

ag2th

I can't tell you what it means to have someone to vent to and someone who understands. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

refreshing34

My heart goes out to you. I could have written your post.

I don't have alot of advice because I am feeling my way along at this point and don't have alot figured out myself.

I want you to know you are not alone.
I went to my first Al-Anon meeting this week. It was scary because I too am a very private person. I don't like airing my problems to others.
I feel bad talking about the problem. After going I see that lots of people have these problems. What I realized is that there are other people we can share with. They gave me a list of people who go there who I can call if I need to. Just knowing I have a list of numbers is helpful.

We look like we have it all also but you know what even though I have all of those things I don't have the most important thing of all. I don't have a H I can share things with. My best friend (H) is lost in his own world (A) right now and can't see his family who has been with him through it all. His body is here, his yellling is here, the chaos he creates is here, but his love, caring, and affection is not here.

What I am finding is that your focus (it will as you feel better) needs to change. It takes time but it can't be done. You can not change him or what he does. Worrying about him comming home only hurts you (not him) it makes you feel ill, it keeps you awake. Read, take a bath, sleep, do anything except focus on him. Don't call him to ask him to come home. Don't check up on him. It changes nothing except he sees you there worrying, & wondering.
He has no reason to change. He has what he wants. His family, his loving wife who will do anything in the world for him. He has it all why should he change.

I am as up in the air as you but I don't worry as much anymore. It is only when he is in my face right now. I don't call, I don't check on him I focus on my kids. I do something with them.

I know you are very down right now. I am here searching for answers myself. I have a hard time posting advice to others as I am searching for answers myself. Just know you are not alone and I wish you peace as you go through this very tough time.

Cynay

Welcome to SR.... I can hear the pain in your post and it breaks my heart. You are not alone and yes there are many of us out here who not only understand but have lived it and do really "get" it.

What has worked for me is Therapy, Al-anon, Open AA meetings, SR and getting educated in the disease.

I look forward to getting to know you, please keep posting because if nothing else it will help to get it our of your system.

Cali wife

Hello...I just started to come to this web-site last Friday night at about 3:00 am. Have been searching these pages since. It amazes me how many of us there are. I thought I was one of a few instead one of many....everyone else seems to have this pleasant life with loving husbands. Mine too has said he would pick his drinking over me (while drunk) it's always different the morning after.
He says he's a selfish pig when he drinks....he doesn't think of anyone but himself. HUMMMMM....those words hit me like a ton of bricks. The whole time he's MIA I get sick...thinkng about him hurt...or dead! I've even gotten to the point I take sleeping Aids to take the edge off the worry. Except for last Friday night instead I looked for some answers on this web-site.
I am in the process now of finding a day time meeting I can attend cause I guess I have figured out that his problem is effecting me not just emotionally but pyhsically as well.
I hate telling people close to my family about him...I don't want people feeling sorry for me. That doesn't help just makes me feel like a day time talk show freak..I know what you mean about keeping things to yourself, but after reading these posts I am sure the answers are out there and here!
Please know that you are NOT alone and you are a wonderful person in a difficult time in your life. Keep us posted as we too can learn from what you learn!
Cali-wife

GettingBy

Yuppers, that one was a big one for me too. I'd get so flaming mad because I knew that he was sitting right there looking at the phone, knowing it was me, and purposefully not answering. I told him once, "What if it was an emergency and I really needed you?" His response, "Well then leave a message and I'd call you back, but up until now, you've just been the girl crying wolf! And all you really want to do is scream at me and ruin my good time" Ugh, that sucked. He was right. I WAS going to scream at him because I wanted him to come home. Actually, I wanted HIM to WANT to come home. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

So I stopped calling. And I stopped sitting at home waiting for him to come home and do things with me. I got on with living the life I wanted. Doing the things I kept putting off.

If you want change, it's got to start with you. Al-anon will really help with that.

Thoughts are with you,
Shannon

mazey

Your post is so familiar. There is so much turmoil, pain and sadness. Alanon is a wonderful help, and I do understand being private about stuff like this, but you can feel comfortable at a meeting. It is anonymous and there are alot of folk there that will feel the same as you, including your need for privacy.
Read about the disease, and share here. You will find understanding here and people who can share your feelings and sympathize. Linda

ag2th

Thank you all. I am going to go to alanon..I am learning quite alot thru this site already. I'm so glad I found it..and at the same time it's heartbreaking to see all the people with such pain in their lives. I'm still holding onto the hope that he will change..I can't ever give up on that hope..he's my best friend. ..But I'm learning that I have to work on changing me. He came home early from work and feels horrible about it all (again) and says he'll change. At least that's different from the defensive stuff I've been getting. I hope he does change..but I told him I'm not counting on it. You all have made me feel better. Thank you for the replies and the support.

StandingStrong

You said that your AH is your best friend.
I'm curious - if your best friend treats you this way, why do you consider them your best friend?
(I remember some years ago when I found myself asking myself that very question)

Your post brought back a lot of memories for me.
Ah and I were married 15 1/2 years before we seperated. We have 3 children (all teenagers now) and just finalized our divorce - having been married 18 1/2 years.
My AH too is a binge drinker.
He also was my best friend - since the 1st grade.

I truly understand your pain. There is lots that I can relate too in your post (even down to the repeated apologies and remorsefulness the day after a binge, and then the repeated behavior).

I hope that you do go to Alanon. I hope that you'll read the book "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie. I put off reading this book for a long time though it was recommended often. I've read it a few times in the last year or two and get something new out of each time I read it.

Anyways, jsut wanted to respond and welcome you to SR. And let you know that you are not alone.

FormerDoormat

The hardest thing for me to come to grips with was the fact that there was nothing I could do to convince my AB that he was hurting himself, hurting me, and that he needed to change. Believe me, I tried everything, and I nearly went insane in the process.

Once I realized, with the help of Alanon and SoberRecovery, that the only person I could change was myself, my situation began to improve. Today my I no longer live with my boyfriend of 24 years and he's still drinking, but I have peace in my life.

Stick around the forum for a while. Together, we'll find a solution that works.