LizzyP

Hi, all,

I've been gone from the house about 10 days now. My AH called me for the first time today and left two messages on my voice mail. I was doing great before that. Driving home from work I was thinking how much more at peace I am and how much lighter I feel not being in the same house with the alcoholic. And I was thinking, okay, I can move forward with filing for divorce.

Then with those two voice messages, my insides are churning. Some of you warned me that the phone calls would start. I am his supplier of money for his addictions. I met with a counselor yesterday who told me to stop all financial support immediately. I was all prepared to call AH today and tell him so. But with him calling me, I feel myself chickening out again. I'm very afraid of his response. At least he does not really know where I'm at. He could find me if he thought about it, but I didn't give him the address or phone number of where I'm staying.

So now I'm thinking, do I call him back or not?

AllTooSober

What did he say in his messages? Is he asking for money? If you're not comfortable talking to him, don't do it. He'll learn soon enough that the gravy train has derailed. Unless, you're thinking that not hearing from you will set him on your trail... not sure what to do then.

A very wise friend of mine once said, "When in doubt, don't." I think that applies here. Just my two cents. (((hugs)))

LizzyP

Thank you so much, AllTooSober. I needed to hear from a voice of reason.

First message: "L, I'm not doing so hot, please call me". Second message: "L, I hope you call me back. Is this it? If it is, it wasn't my idea to end it."

With the first message, because of his health, I'm thinking, oh great, does he need to go to the hospital, does he need medical care? I go back into my mode of wanting to "fix" it for him.

With the second message, the guilt, uncertainty, and, am I ready to tell him, yes, this is the end of the road for us, I'm planning on filing divorce, oh, and by the way, I am no longer willing to support you financially, you'll have to find another way. I can write it here, but total fear grips me at the thought of telling him over the phone. I'm afraid of his response. Writing it, it seems so simple. But doing it is a whole other thing.

denny57

It's really hard at the beginning because hearing the voice can trigger all the old reactions. I know it isn't for everyone, but no contact was best for me. If you choose to, you can do everything in writing. Just because someone calls me, I do not "owe" them a return call. It's that kind of thinking that kept me on the roller coaster for so long.

If you're ready to, you can change your phone number and make it as difficult as possible for him to reach you. I learned to think of my sanity, not my distorted sense of manners. Contrary action feels "wrong" for just that reason - it's contrary. Applied over time, I've come to realize my old way of doing was just plain crazy.

I'm sorry you're going through this; I do understand just how emotional it can be.

((()))

AllTooSober

Lizzy, be gentle with yourself. This is tough stuff you're dealing with. And, since it's really the end for you and him, it probably won't do any harm to wait until you're comfortable telling him in whatever way you're most comfortable with. You'll get through this alright. We're all behind you. And listen to Denny! It's good advice there.

LizzyP

Thank you so much for your words this afternoon. I really needed to hear these. I had tried to get a hold of some folks from my Al-Anon groups, and wasn't able to get through to anyone. Yes, denny, hearing my H's voice triggered a whole lot of old stuff that I just didn't expect this afternoon.

Thanks again, and smiles to you.

CatsTail

You can always de-rail his gravy train without having to talk to him.

Ngaire

deax

It always amazes me. It seems the minute you start to feel better, stronger and more sure of yourself-- that's exactly when the phone rings. I think they have some kind of radar.

I wouldn't call him back. If it comes down to money, you know you'd have to stop yourself anyway. And if hearing his voice is still enough to throw you (as it is for me too, so I understand), then why put yourself through any more emotional strain? You felt better while having no contact. If you know it's over, then it it's over and you know it. You don't even have to tell him anything, until you feel ready. Not returning his calls and not getting in touch with him is a message enough right now if that's all you can handle. And it might even send a stronger message that more talking, which we've all done enough of- usually to no avail. After all, telling him it's over still won't necssarily make him believe it. I know that firsthand from my ex bf. Denial is strong on both sides of this. And actions speak louder than words on both sides, too.

Hugs to you.

mazey

Oh, hearing the voice can cause such mixed feelings and just stir up the pain again. Can you just not talk? They are adults and can figure it out.....we just love to "help" them. Let him do it, you take care of you and your heart & head.