Boyfriend on the Road to Recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
Boyfriend on the Road to Recovery
Hello all, I am a newbie here- Just looking for some advice...
My boyfriend has been sober for the last 14 days, he's is currently in an intervention center- he only has 2 days left in there. But while he's been away he has made some amazing self revelations. He has informed me that he realizes that he is an alcoholic, and he has chosen to stay on the path to recovery. He realizes what he has put me and his family through in the last month. And he is bound and determined to turn his life around, and start living again.
My questions is - Does anyone have any advice as to how to hold his hand through this once he returns home? Which is in 2 days. I am new to helping an alcoholic in recovery and am very nervous about how things will be when he gets home.
HELP
My boyfriend has been sober for the last 14 days, he's is currently in an intervention center- he only has 2 days left in there. But while he's been away he has made some amazing self revelations. He has informed me that he realizes that he is an alcoholic, and he has chosen to stay on the path to recovery. He realizes what he has put me and his family through in the last month. And he is bound and determined to turn his life around, and start living again.
My questions is - Does anyone have any advice as to how to hold his hand through this once he returns home? Which is in 2 days. I am new to helping an alcoholic in recovery and am very nervous about how things will be when he gets home.
HELP
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Hi CPE,
Welcome to SoberRecovery. Grab a cup of coffee and start reading! There are many "stickies" at the top of the page that have some terrific information.
The first thing many of us learn is the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is to concentrate on yourself, learn about setting and maintaining boundaries, and taking good care of yourself.
Your ABF (alcoholic boy friend)'s recovery is his business. Hopefully he'll start attending AA meetings when he gets out of the intervention center, and hopefully he'll continue his dedication to his sobriety.
Keep coming back. Many of us have been where you are and we understand.
Hugs
Cat
Welcome to SoberRecovery. Grab a cup of coffee and start reading! There are many "stickies" at the top of the page that have some terrific information.
The first thing many of us learn is the 3 C's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. What you CAN do is to concentrate on yourself, learn about setting and maintaining boundaries, and taking good care of yourself.
Your ABF (alcoholic boy friend)'s recovery is his business. Hopefully he'll start attending AA meetings when he gets out of the intervention center, and hopefully he'll continue his dedication to his sobriety.
Keep coming back. Many of us have been where you are and we understand.
Hugs
Cat
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
Thank so much for your response,
I have been researching the disease. And have had many friends and family members go through the same thing. Going through it yourself is a whole different story. I do understand that it is his problem, and that it is him that will need to make the changes. I am just wondering what the best ways are to be supportive. He is an alcoholic, but he is also a wonderful man. He has never been abusive to me or anything like that. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever been with. Just watching him self destruct the way he has in the last few weeks has been difficult. But I am so happy he has decided to make these first steps to recovery.
I have been researching the disease. And have had many friends and family members go through the same thing. Going through it yourself is a whole different story. I do understand that it is his problem, and that it is him that will need to make the changes. I am just wondering what the best ways are to be supportive. He is an alcoholic, but he is also a wonderful man. He has never been abusive to me or anything like that. He is the most loving and caring man I have ever been with. Just watching him self destruct the way he has in the last few weeks has been difficult. But I am so happy he has decided to make these first steps to recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Have you thought about Al-Anon? They have a book called Living with Sobriety that is about this. Face to face support with others who have gone through this might help enormously.
Congrats to your BF!
Congrats to your BF!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... we are glad you are here.
When my ex first got sober I think the best thing I could have done to help him is to just get out of the way. To hold his hand and make it "easier" was a real no no....
Later and after I did not have an Alcoholic in my life is when I discovered Al-anon.... that is where I learned the best way to have a relationship with an Alcoholic.
I look forward to getting to know you! Congrads on his choice of soberity.
When my ex first got sober I think the best thing I could have done to help him is to just get out of the way. To hold his hand and make it "easier" was a real no no....
Later and after I did not have an Alcoholic in my life is when I discovered Al-anon.... that is where I learned the best way to have a relationship with an Alcoholic.
I look forward to getting to know you! Congrads on his choice of soberity.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
Again- Thank you all for the kind words. I have heard from many that " getting out of the way" and letting him deal with it on his own is the best thing to do. IS that the best way to be supportive. And I have considered AL-Anon.....Definately something I am researching.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Metro, TX
Posts: 29
Congratulations on your boyfriend for taking the first step. It's the first of many, and the next few weeks, months even, will be very tough for him, and tough on you.
I agree with Cynay in that you have to just let him do it. Don't coddle him and try to make things as easy as possible on him. When he comes out, the real world will still be there. He will have to learn his own coping skills to deal with the cravings that he will have and the triggers. I understand triggers, but the cravings were always tough for me. My AH would get cravings at 10 in the morning for no reason.
Another thing is to let him talk to you when he wants to. After he was in rehab the first time, I was too involved in his recovery. I would make hints if I thought he wasn't going to go to a meeting like, "Isn't your meeting in 10 minutes?" "Do you want to go to dinner after your meeting?" And all that did was push him away from it further. This past time, he was sober 4 months and I didn't say a thing. He would tell me he was going and I would just say, "I'll see you when you get home." Occassionally, he would ask me if I was happy that he was going and my response would be that I was happy that he was taking care of himself.
Hope some of this helps!
I agree with Cynay in that you have to just let him do it. Don't coddle him and try to make things as easy as possible on him. When he comes out, the real world will still be there. He will have to learn his own coping skills to deal with the cravings that he will have and the triggers. I understand triggers, but the cravings were always tough for me. My AH would get cravings at 10 in the morning for no reason.
Another thing is to let him talk to you when he wants to. After he was in rehab the first time, I was too involved in his recovery. I would make hints if I thought he wasn't going to go to a meeting like, "Isn't your meeting in 10 minutes?" "Do you want to go to dinner after your meeting?" And all that did was push him away from it further. This past time, he was sober 4 months and I didn't say a thing. He would tell me he was going and I would just say, "I'll see you when you get home." Occassionally, he would ask me if I was happy that he was going and my response would be that I was happy that he was taking care of himself.
Hope some of this helps!
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Read up on nutrition also, provide nuts, crackers, cheese and cold meat for snacks, just have handy, mention or offer, but don't push. (and OJ)
Some are hanging on by a thread as takes a very long time befor the cravings let up, Best to just keep busy and don't mention anything other than weather, friends job etc. No, sympathy, don't try to cheer them up or get them interested in fun things. They have a tough road trying to live life on lifs terns cold sober. Just my 2 cents. Lv to you both
Some are hanging on by a thread as takes a very long time befor the cravings let up, Best to just keep busy and don't mention anything other than weather, friends job etc. No, sympathy, don't try to cheer them up or get them interested in fun things. They have a tough road trying to live life on lifs terns cold sober. Just my 2 cents. Lv to you both
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
To Zoey and Iwillriseabove
Great advice- This is exactly what I was looking for. And all the info helps. I am starting to feel less nervous about his return home. Thank you all , and love to you too!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Ohhhh.... work on your patience... or should I say his recovery will do that for you.
Remember not to ask about the meetings.... if he wants to talk about his feelings about it, fine... but I had a bad habit of drilling him and giving him detailed reasons/solutions for his recovery.
That did not work real well.
Remember not to ask about the meetings.... if he wants to talk about his feelings about it, fine... but I had a bad habit of drilling him and giving him detailed reasons/solutions for his recovery.
That did not work real well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
To Zoey
I will keep you all posted, I am going to pick him up from the intervention center Friday Morning....When I spoke to him he said he wanted to take me out to lunch after so we can sit down and talk about things-meaning his new path in life. Can't wait to see him, this is the longest we've ever been away from each other. But in the long run I know it was well worth it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
Reply to Cynay,
I know patience is a virtue. I have a 3 year old daughter as well, and patience is one thing I am learning to have. And I have also learned in the last 3 weeks, that nagging and badgering only causes them to go in the direction that you do not want them to...
I have a lot to work on myself here to- It is going to be tough to just let him come to me about things. But if that is what works best.....That is what I'll aim for!
Thanks all , and god bless
-Crissy
I know patience is a virtue. I have a 3 year old daughter as well, and patience is one thing I am learning to have. And I have also learned in the last 3 weeks, that nagging and badgering only causes them to go in the direction that you do not want them to...
I have a lot to work on myself here to- It is going to be tough to just let him come to me about things. But if that is what works best.....That is what I'll aim for!
Thanks all , and god bless
-Crissy
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
I've had many alcoholics/addicts in recovery tell me that the best way I can support my recovering daughter is to attend Alanon. I also have started to attend a few open AA meetings with her. I've found both of these things have helped me very much. Congrats to your boyfriend on finding the path to sobriety. It's bumpy, but worth the work. Blessings - K
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: rochester nh
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by parentrecovers 
I've had many alcoholics/addicts in recovery tell me that the best way I can support my recovering daughter is to attend Alanon. I also have started to attend a few open AA meetings with her. I've found both of these things have helped me very much. Congrats to your boyfriend on finding the path to sobriety. It's bumpy, but worth the work. Blessings - K
Thank you for your advice and blessings. All the positive influence has definately lessened my anxiety
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
