Just got a call...
Always hopeful...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Just got a call...
OMG, he got another DUI, plus 4 other charges: driving on wrong side of road, driving on shoulder, speeding, no insurance. I was shaking! No one hurt!
I am in such a turmoil of feelings! Relief I am not involved, so relieved! And, I know how upset he must feel, he cried after another one he got! Yes, he had 2 that were dropped to a lesser charge when he was younger, before I knew him. Then, he got one in '99 that got dropped due to a technicality. Then, he got one with his near fatal accident in '03, that one stuck with a year of supervision. THat is a total of 5! Hullooooo?
But only the one with his accident counted legally. Now what?
I have to say, the past week I have really had him on my mind....thus, my post yesterday about being friends eventually...I also have been reading the Siren Report very closely, just feeling like he'd be in there. All the driving drunk when we were together, fights...He'd say 'well, if I get one it's not YOUR problem', well while living with him of course it would have affected me. I was so afraid he'd have an accident and hurt someone. Hell, he nearly killed himself 3 years ago. We'd lose the house, he'd never drive again so who does that leave to drive. NOT ANYMORE! I am out of the picture. I'll bet his kids are pissed, cuz now he is their problem. At first, I thought he is prolly curled up in a ball, so depressed, but he is still sending emails!
He actually had sent a note tonight about a package being delivered here by mistake, could I check and see if UPS left it here. I had just emailed him back, when I got the call. I think he is in tons of legal trouble. It won't stop him, he doesn't think he has a problem.....
I am in such a turmoil of feelings! Relief I am not involved, so relieved! And, I know how upset he must feel, he cried after another one he got! Yes, he had 2 that were dropped to a lesser charge when he was younger, before I knew him. Then, he got one in '99 that got dropped due to a technicality. Then, he got one with his near fatal accident in '03, that one stuck with a year of supervision. THat is a total of 5! Hullooooo?
But only the one with his accident counted legally. Now what?
I have to say, the past week I have really had him on my mind....thus, my post yesterday about being friends eventually...I also have been reading the Siren Report very closely, just feeling like he'd be in there. All the driving drunk when we were together, fights...He'd say 'well, if I get one it's not YOUR problem', well while living with him of course it would have affected me. I was so afraid he'd have an accident and hurt someone. Hell, he nearly killed himself 3 years ago. We'd lose the house, he'd never drive again so who does that leave to drive. NOT ANYMORE! I am out of the picture. I'll bet his kids are pissed, cuz now he is their problem. At first, I thought he is prolly curled up in a ball, so depressed, but he is still sending emails!
He actually had sent a note tonight about a package being delivered here by mistake, could I check and see if UPS left it here. I had just emailed him back, when I got the call. I think he is in tons of legal trouble. It won't stop him, he doesn't think he has a problem.....
NAIOU
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Last house on the block.
Posts: 359
Just allow him to go through his process. Do not make it your process. Love him from a distance. It is amazing how much we can put ourselves through before we become willing to change. I have a disease that constantly tells me I don't have a disease. Take care of yourself first. No matter what you say or do he is still going to do what he is going to do. I hope he gets sober for his and you sake. Prayers go out to you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I know you got divorced from him, then you two got back together about four years ago. Am I on track so far? When you got back together, did you remarry? I can't remember .... I hope you are not legally married to him. If you are, and he drives drunk again and kills somebody, you can be held liable as well in any lawsuit that may result from his negligence.
Your post sounds as if you are quite upset and agitated. I'm sure you are worried about others he may hurt, but those are his actions. He chooses to drive drunk. It's a good thing you no longer have to go on those drives with him. I think we live with the chaos and craziness for so long, we get used to it to the point that we feel involved even after the A moves out.
At this point in time, the man you loved is dead. It does not appear he will be returning anytime soon, if ever. This has to be causing you a lot of pain because it is a tragedy. I hope you can stay out of this latest mess to some degree. It sounds as if his reckless behavior is pulling you down and upsetting you.
Your post sounds as if you are quite upset and agitated. I'm sure you are worried about others he may hurt, but those are his actions. He chooses to drive drunk. It's a good thing you no longer have to go on those drives with him. I think we live with the chaos and craziness for so long, we get used to it to the point that we feel involved even after the A moves out.
At this point in time, the man you loved is dead. It does not appear he will be returning anytime soon, if ever. This has to be causing you a lot of pain because it is a tragedy. I hope you can stay out of this latest mess to some degree. It sounds as if his reckless behavior is pulling you down and upsetting you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
mornin mazey
even outta our lives, we are still, to a degree, drawn into their chaos. but just a little.
just take real good care of yourself today....your emotions will probably be all over the place. i always find myself on the brink of a huge rescue mission....but thank god, i do not go there anymore.
love to you
jeri
even outta our lives, we are still, to a degree, drawn into their chaos. but just a little.
just take real good care of yourself today....your emotions will probably be all over the place. i always find myself on the brink of a huge rescue mission....but thank god, i do not go there anymore.
love to you
jeri
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
- Wow, sorry to hear this. My ex-wife got 2 DUI's in Oct. 4 days apart.
What a mess they make. Im just glad and Im sure you are also, that we are away from all that.
Just be happy that you are out of that storm.
What a mess they make. Im just glad and Im sure you are also, that we are away from all that.
Just be happy that you are out of that storm.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
you know what?????......have you ever noticed that the alcoholic never really seems to have to pay the consequences when it comes to the judicial system????
we, as somewhat normal (NORMAL.....did i just say NORMAL?) citizens are so concerned about dui's and pi's and petition to revokes and breaking the law....and on some level think that this is really bad about getting in trouble with the law because of drinking....at least it would be for us anyway.....but the alcoholic can stack up hundreds of these before the judicial system will finally make them accountable.
just venting.
jeri
we, as somewhat normal (NORMAL.....did i just say NORMAL?) citizens are so concerned about dui's and pi's and petition to revokes and breaking the law....and on some level think that this is really bad about getting in trouble with the law because of drinking....at least it would be for us anyway.....but the alcoholic can stack up hundreds of these before the judicial system will finally make them accountable.
just venting.
jeri
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Does he balme you?
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by mazey 
OMG, he got another DUI, plus 4 other charges: driving on wrong side of road, driving on shoulder, speeding, no insurance. I was shaking! No one hurt!
I am in such a turmoil of feelings! Relief I am not involved, so relieved! And, I know how upset he must feel, he cried after another one he got! Yes, he had 2 that were dropped to a lesser charge when he was younger, before I knew him. Then, he got one in '99 that got dropped due to a technicality. Then, he got one with his near fatal accident in '03, that one stuck with a year of supervision. THat is a total of 5! Hullooooo?
But only the one with his accident counted legally. Now what?
I have to say, the past week I have really had him on my mind....thus, my post yesterday about being friends eventually...I also have been reading the Siren Report very closely, just feeling like he'd be in there. All the driving drunk when we were together, fights...He'd say 'well, if I get one it's not YOUR problem', well while living with him of course it would have affected me. I was so afraid he'd have an accident and hurt someone. Hell, he nearly killed himself 3 years ago. We'd lose the house, he'd never drive again so who does that leave to drive. NOT ANYMORE! I am out of the picture. I'll bet his kids are pissed, cuz now he is their problem. At first, I thought he is prolly curled up in a ball, so depressed, but he is still sending emails! He actually had sent a note tonight about a package being delivered here by mistake, could I check and see if UPS left it here. I had just emailed him back, when I got the call. I think he is in tons of legal trouble. It won't stop him, he doesn't think he has a problem.....
I am in such a turmoil of feelings! Relief I am not involved, so relieved! And, I know how upset he must feel, he cried after another one he got! Yes, he had 2 that were dropped to a lesser charge when he was younger, before I knew him. Then, he got one in '99 that got dropped due to a technicality. Then, he got one with his near fatal accident in '03, that one stuck with a year of supervision. THat is a total of 5! Hullooooo?
But only the one with his accident counted legally. Now what?
I have to say, the past week I have really had him on my mind....thus, my post yesterday about being friends eventually...I also have been reading the Siren Report very closely, just feeling like he'd be in there. All the driving drunk when we were together, fights...He'd say 'well, if I get one it's not YOUR problem', well while living with him of course it would have affected me. I was so afraid he'd have an accident and hurt someone. Hell, he nearly killed himself 3 years ago. We'd lose the house, he'd never drive again so who does that leave to drive. NOT ANYMORE! I am out of the picture. I'll bet his kids are pissed, cuz now he is their problem. At first, I thought he is prolly curled up in a ball, so depressed, but he is still sending emails!
He actually had sent a note tonight about a package being delivered here by mistake, could I check and see if UPS left it here. I had just emailed him back, when I got the call. I think he is in tons of legal trouble. It won't stop him, he doesn't think he has a problem.....Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Jeri,
How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying?
When their lips are moving.
Ngaire
How can you tell when an alcoholic is lying?
When their lips are moving.
Ngaire
Originally Posted by embraced2000
you know what?????......have you ever noticed that the alcoholic never really seems to have to pay the consequences when it comes to the judicial system????
we, as somewhat normal (NORMAL.....did i just say NORMAL?) citizens are so concerned about dui's and pi's and petition to revokes and breaking the law....and on some level think that this is really bad about getting in trouble with the law because of drinking....at least it would be for us anyway.....but the alcoholic can stack up hundreds of these before the judicial system will finally make them accountable.
just venting.
jeri
we, as somewhat normal (NORMAL.....did i just say NORMAL?) citizens are so concerned about dui's and pi's and petition to revokes and breaking the law....and on some level think that this is really bad about getting in trouble with the law because of drinking....at least it would be for us anyway.....but the alcoholic can stack up hundreds of these before the judicial system will finally make them accountable.
just venting.
jeri
Always hopeful...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Well, it's morning and I woke up with it on my mind. Thanks for the words of wisdom. I do not expect to be involved in this mess, and so glad. Ya know what I am thinking, my HP did help me move out of this....I knew it was a short matter of time before he'd get picked up or accident hurting someone else. So, I am thinking about me! I do feel a little sorry for him and the problems that will ensue legally, but he just don't "get" it, cuz he is so sick w/ it. Legally, Embraced, you are right...they'll prolly give him yet another break, till the next time when he does hurt another. But, if 5 come up? Who knows, who cares....I won't be driving him around no more!!! We just still "feel" for them ( the good part of him ). Dam the disease. I have had a thought of this one making him see the light, getting help, scared and wanting to stop, notta....
THANKS for the responses. I appreciate your time in sharing with me. Need ya! Linda
THANKS for the responses. I appreciate your time in sharing with me. Need ya! Linda
Always hopeful...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Ngaire, he moved out in Aug. So, I don't know if he blames me, BUT, I wouldn't be surprized if he & his kids will cuz I won't be there to help them thru yet another tragedy. "If she hadn't split with him, he wouldn't have been driving drunk(even tho he did). "
Prodigal, what a memory...I am touched you remember this stuff. Thanks! No, we did not remarry. Thank God.
cuz I won't be there to help them thru yet another tragedy. "If she hadn't split with him, he wouldn't have been driving drunk(even tho he did). "Prodigal, what a memory...I am touched you remember this stuff. Thanks! No, we did not remarry. Thank God.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
Hi Mazey,
I'm sure that even being out of the situation, you are in fact feeling a little blow because of this. I think I would. Sometimes the judicial system does punish them for thier actions. On my AH's 2nd DWI, they charged him instead with a DWI 1 so that it wouldn't affect him as much (fines, breathalyzer, etc.). I told him more than once that his next one would be a felony (numero three), but he didn't listen. He swore that if he got another one, it would be #2 since the 2nd one counted as a 1st and that he wouldn't get another one anyway. Well, lo and behold, the 3rd one came around, and guess what? Yup, charged with DWI 3. He cried and cried....I didn't think it would really count as the 3rd, I can't have a felony, yaddy yaddy yaddy.
Anyway, didn't mean to get off on that (I think I do that a lot ), but I was just saying that sometimes they do pay for their choices.
Hope you are doing OK. (((())))
I'm sure that even being out of the situation, you are in fact feeling a little blow because of this. I think I would. Sometimes the judicial system does punish them for thier actions. On my AH's 2nd DWI, they charged him instead with a DWI 1 so that it wouldn't affect him as much (fines, breathalyzer, etc.). I told him more than once that his next one would be a felony (numero three), but he didn't listen. He swore that if he got another one, it would be #2 since the 2nd one counted as a 1st and that he wouldn't get another one anyway. Well, lo and behold, the 3rd one came around, and guess what? Yup, charged with DWI 3. He cried and cried....I didn't think it would really count as the 3rd, I can't have a felony, yaddy yaddy yaddy.
Anyway, didn't mean to get off on that (I think I do that a lot
), but I was just saying that sometimes they do pay for their choices.Hope you are doing OK. (((())))
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by logo
Do not make it your process. Love him from a distance.
I see after your first initial post, that you realized all of this on your own. Good job
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by mazey
So, I am thinking about me!
The rest of your post seems to be about him.
[/QUOTE] I do feel a little sorry for him and the problems that will ensue legally, but he just don't "get" it, cuz he is so sick w/ it. Legally, Embraced, you are right...they'll prolly give him yet another break, till the next time when he does hurt another. But, if 5 come up? Who knows, who cares....I won't be driving him around no more!!! We just still "feel" for them ( the good part of him ). Dam the disease. I have had a thought of this one making him see the light, getting help, scared and wanting to stop, notta....
THANKS for the responses. I appreciate your time in sharing with me. Need ya! Linda[/QUOTE]
When he says it's not your problem, he's right. That was a tough one for me to accept, because I thought it was my reason for being - saving someone else from their own life. It can get very confusing as to just what love is. I don't think I ever crossed AH's mind when he was drinking. Why on earth should I spend all my time thinking about him? Is that love or obsession?
The chaos can be removed from life. It's a choice.
Always hopeful...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
Denny, you're right. I did fill it up w/ him! I do think about him, it does get less each week. It is so different this separation than ever before, tho. I have gotten confused before with the advice not to think of them. A thought is different than obsessively "thinking" of him. I'm not perfect on this, but sure trying and sincerely getting better, with a few slips. Just because I think of him, memories, still grieving to some degree at times doesn't mean I am obsessing over him...I don't even think I still really 'love' him, maybe some the good man...but do care about him and prolly always will in some ways. He sent my Grandaughter a gift he purchased on ebay for Christmas. They really know how to get us, but then he did really love her & my daughter. Some of them are not evil.....just really sick and have made us really sick!
I know I wasn't on his mind while he was drinking....it is his tickets and his problem to deal with, not mine. Thank God, he is out of this house and my life.
I know he must be hurting, and yes, I still have some empathy left in me, even for him....my profession was caregiving(Nursing), perfect for a codie. I am not trying to make his life better.
I know I wasn't on his mind while he was drinking....it is his tickets and his problem to deal with, not mine. Thank God, he is out of this house and my life.
I know he must be hurting, and yes, I still have some empathy left in me, even for him....my profession was caregiving(Nursing), perfect for a codie. I am not trying to make his life better.
Always hopeful...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
I just re-read my post from last night. I had been thinking too much about him....He has just come into my thoughts so much with holiday stuff and memories, good & bad! And the premonitions were in my head. I had just told my daughter I would feel bad if something happened to him (injury/death) and he thought I hated him. I think I'll be better after the holidays...
Memories are tough this time of year since my Son died and now the "loss"? of my A! But, I think not doing too bad, all things considered. And I DO feel so good not being responsible for him and all this mess coming his way. I guess I got out while the gettin' was good!
Memories are tough this time of year since my Son died and now the "loss"? of my A! But, I think not doing too bad, all things considered. And I DO feel so good not being responsible for him and all this mess coming his way. I guess I got out while the gettin' was good!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
((((mazey))) I believe all addicts are sick, not evil. I have a lot of compassion for AH, too, so I know what you mean.
Take care.
p.s. just read your second post, believe me he knows you love him.
Take care.
p.s. just read your second post, believe me he knows you love him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Unfortunately, if you are married to the alcoholic or financially dependent on them at any level .... you will be significantly affected by the DWI. I spent most of yesterday in a court room writing a big check to his lawyer and while listening to his charges and additional court fines - instead of taking care of the other responsibilities I have. He couldn't drive himself to the court date so I was forced to spent most of yesterday dealing with his problem. His lawyer also recommended a work program as the least damaging alternative ... but he cannot drive himself there ..so for 8 days I will spend 2 hours each day driving him back and forth. Also, I read on the internet today that the total financial cost to be somewhere around $10,000 for a first time DWI offense including at least 3 years of having your car insurance significantly raised.
I am not doing these doing these things trying to "fix" my AH or save him .. I am trying to minimize the damage he will do to our family-if I didn't do these things the financial consequenses would be even worse. That is money I no longer have to support my kids or to save for their college. This means my kids get to take out even larger student loans that will take them years more to repay. That is money that I don't have to put my youngest son in much needed braces. That is money I don't have for medical expenses or for taxes. That is money lost that means I get to work even longer hours trying to recover from. That is money lost that will have a dramatic effect on every aspect of my life and my children's lives. When you have children, the Alcoholic deprives them of income from their inability to work and added expenses from medical problems and legal expenses from events like DWI. Even if you are divorced, the alcoholics inability to work or to provide income affects their ability to pay child support. I could go on and on... I have figured my husband's alcohol addiction has cost our family at least $200,000 in lost income, additional living costs, medical expenses ..etc. over the last 7 years and has also caused untold stress and unhappiness from the instability and chaos he has brought into his family's life. Once you marry and have children with an alcoholic that is incapable of recovery -and my AH was not an alcoholic when we first married- you will be in a losing situation whether you divorce or stay married and your children will always bear scars. The impact has been enormous for our family ... no matter how much we try to separate from the illness.
I am not doing these doing these things trying to "fix" my AH or save him .. I am trying to minimize the damage he will do to our family-if I didn't do these things the financial consequenses would be even worse. That is money I no longer have to support my kids or to save for their college. This means my kids get to take out even larger student loans that will take them years more to repay. That is money that I don't have to put my youngest son in much needed braces. That is money I don't have for medical expenses or for taxes. That is money lost that means I get to work even longer hours trying to recover from. That is money lost that will have a dramatic effect on every aspect of my life and my children's lives. When you have children, the Alcoholic deprives them of income from their inability to work and added expenses from medical problems and legal expenses from events like DWI. Even if you are divorced, the alcoholics inability to work or to provide income affects their ability to pay child support. I could go on and on... I have figured my husband's alcohol addiction has cost our family at least $200,000 in lost income, additional living costs, medical expenses ..etc. over the last 7 years and has also caused untold stress and unhappiness from the instability and chaos he has brought into his family's life. Once you marry and have children with an alcoholic that is incapable of recovery -and my AH was not an alcoholic when we first married- you will be in a losing situation whether you divorce or stay married and your children will always bear scars. The impact has been enormous for our family ... no matter how much we try to separate from the illness.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Unfortunately, if you are married to the alcoholic or financially dependent on them at any level .... you will be significantly affected by the DWI. I spent most of yesterday in a court room writing a big check to his lawyer and while listening to his charges and additional court fines - instead of taking care of the other responsibilities I have. He couldn't drive himself to the court date so I was forced to spent most of yesterday dealing with his problem. His lawyer also recommended a work program as the least damaging alternative ... but he cannot drive himself there ..so for 8 days I will spend 2 hours each day driving him back and forth. Also, I read on the internet today that the total financial cost to be somewhere around $10,000 for a first time DWI offense including at least 3 years of having your car insurance significantly raised.
I am not doing these doing these things trying to "fix" my AH or save him .. I am trying to minimize the damage he will do to our family-if I didn't do these things the financial consequenses would be even worse. That is money I no longer have to support my kids or to save for their college. This means my kids get to take out even larger student loans that will take them years more to repay. That is money that I don't have to put my youngest son in much needed braces. That is money I don't have for medical expenses or for taxes. That is money lost that means I get to work even longer hours trying to recover from. That is money lost that will have a dramatic effect on every aspect of my life and my children's lives. When you have children, the Alcoholic deprives them of income from their inability to work and added expenses from medical problems and legal expenses from events like DWI. Even if you are divorced, the alcoholics inability to work or to provide income affects their ability to pay child support. I could go on and on... I have figured my husband's alcohol addiction has cost our family at least $200,000 in lost income, additional living costs, medical expenses ..etc. over the last 7 years and has also caused untold stress and unhappiness from the instability and chaos he has brought into his family's life. Once you marry and have children with an alcoholic that is incapable of recovery -and my AH was not an alcoholic when we first married- you will be in a losing situation whether you divorce or stay married and your children will always bear scars. The impact has been enormous for our family ... no matter how much we try to separate from the illness.
I am not doing these doing these things trying to "fix" my AH or save him .. I am trying to minimize the damage he will do to our family-if I didn't do these things the financial consequenses would be even worse. That is money I no longer have to support my kids or to save for their college. This means my kids get to take out even larger student loans that will take them years more to repay. That is money that I don't have to put my youngest son in much needed braces. That is money I don't have for medical expenses or for taxes. That is money lost that means I get to work even longer hours trying to recover from. That is money lost that will have a dramatic effect on every aspect of my life and my children's lives. When you have children, the Alcoholic deprives them of income from their inability to work and added expenses from medical problems and legal expenses from events like DWI. Even if you are divorced, the alcoholics inability to work or to provide income affects their ability to pay child support. I could go on and on... I have figured my husband's alcohol addiction has cost our family at least $200,000 in lost income, additional living costs, medical expenses ..etc. over the last 7 years and has also caused untold stress and unhappiness from the instability and chaos he has brought into his family's life. Once you marry and have children with an alcoholic that is incapable of recovery -and my AH was not an alcoholic when we first married- you will be in a losing situation whether you divorce or stay married and your children will always bear scars. The impact has been enormous for our family ... no matter how much we try to separate from the illness.
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