Sally

Hi guy's it's me again,....tonight I really needed someone to talk to , I suffer from anxiety attacks......and it was one of those days when my two worlds colide......I've been hanging on to my separated, life apartment ext....and I have gotten myself in financial trouble.....My life is scattered in two directionslllll
I know what I want......I think....I just don't know if it's the right decision.....I want to close the apartment and come home....stay home and fight for my dam house, the house and home that I worked for all my life.....the place i wanted to be in my life...and dammit why should I let his drinking drive me....away to loose everything that I love.......I.....still get confused with my decision. But I know that I must choose a direction and move forward in that path......or else I wll loose my mind....Iam just so dammed tired of it all the fight.....it just seems that no matte what direction I turn.....it is darkness.......never ending chaous and stress.......and with this war....and sickness.....going around frankly the world just doesn't seem to be that safe or forgiving anymore......Iam scared.....I feel safe.....with my A.....
I feel at home.....

Ann

Sally

First I want to send hugs and tell you that you are not alone.

Sometimes, when confusion takes over, it is a good time to just wait - to sit back and wait until our heads clear.

I don't know if you have been to any meetings, but I found that they really helped me stabilize and get grounded again.

Only you can decide what is right for you. Have you seen a lawyer and found out what your rights are regarding the house? Maybe that would help you decide.

Just know that we care.

EmotionalMeg

Sally,
Take this fear and confusion and hurt... and make it strength. Trust that you are being taken care of. You are reaching out, and you are open to receive the help... great step.
Now, I know the feelings... I am facing so many similar things. What will get you through is your faith.... in God... and yourself. You ARE equiped with all you need to handle this. And believe that you will.
I am praying for you
Meg

lyn_blossom78

Just sending a hug. You need to do what is right for you. You don't have to explain your actions to us. We've all had to make some really hard decisions that others may not agree with. Nobody can make these decisions for you.

I'll be praying for you again today.

Lyn

Summer

Hi,
I suffer from anxiety as well. For me I think it's from living with alcoholism and I have often thought about leaving. I know that I will have to be the one to leave because he won't and we share a house too. I am very confused about this but have learned to take one day at a time. A really good book to read: "Hope and help for your Nerves" by Dr. Claire Weeks. It helped me with my anxiety.
Summer

Sally

thank you all again....I will take your advice...I keep getting surprised by the warm, replies I get from you all. Each time I log on and pour my soul out....Iam expecting a replie that basicly tells me.....stop being a stupid ass......cut your losses and get over it....."WELL THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS...." OR "THE SMARTEST THING TO DO IS"

but I feel warmth and acceptance from you......thank you

well I took the day off of work and dealt with some of my financial burdens......I faced em, dealt with em the best I could....and I feel like I took a little step forward.....again...

My supervisor at work read us an inspirational....letter that went something like this....."sometimes in life we fall into a well,, and all we can see is darkness, you have to dig your nails in and climb to the surface....climb out of the well.....
I feel like that really relates to me.....the funny part of it is that the moral or ending of the reading say.."when you down and out..there's always going to be someone throwing dirt in your face........trying to keep you down or make it that much more difficult.......that's how it feels.....living with an A......Iam alway's fighting the force.....
I started to think of him as having a disease......like...epilepsi....
he will always have it , and at anytime he could have a seizure..so that's the way I look at it....I separate myself from it..and try not to let his .....chaous......suck me..in....that's when I feel crazy..........that's when I need to take care of me....
thanks ladies.......lot's of lov
sally....crazy sally

journeygal

((((((Sally))))))

I don't like the name crazy Sally, so let's see, how about "courageous Sally" or "caring Sally"? Those are much better!

You are beating yourself up so much over this and you don't deserve the abuse! And you're right, when we let ourselves get sucked into our A's disease, it does make us crazy and like you said, that's exactly when we need to start taking care of ourselves.

You're going to be fine - just keep taking those steps forward.

Hugs,
JG

constant

Hey Great Job taking the day off and facing something that was difficult on the list! I always find that when things get chaotic, just taking one step back, picking ONE of the things that is making me crazy and facing it somehow helps everything else seem less crazy.


Hang in there, you did take a step today! WAY TO GO!!!!

JT

Sally,

Whan things get nuts for me I have learned to do what I can. And it sounds like that is exactly what you did. Now that that is done what would be the next right thing for you to do? One step at a time.

Also I was thinking about why you left in the first place. Are all those things still true? Has anything changed? It is perfectly acceptable to revisit our options but acting in haste out of desperation or anger would more than likely not be in your best interest. Take care of you. Try to remember why you made the decision to leave. It is a huge change for one and also you are grieving your dream. Allow yourself the space and time to do that.

Have you checked into meetings?

Hugs,
JT

Sally

Thank you, very much for your support, nothing has changed at all really, He stopped drinking just long enough to suck me in again...He has an unhealthy hold on me....it takes all I can to just stay sane.....around him...
we were doing really well, up until now, now that I've given notice to my apartment, and half my stuff back in the house....now he's the *******, I remember, .He's on a binge again, and his parents who were so supportive of me coming back are nowhere to be found tonight.
He has no intention, of quiting drinking, and he's the meanist, idiot.....careless.....reckless drunk......I've ever seen.....
I left because he was on an uncontrolable drunken binge....I thought he was crazy.......He acted.....crazy....and it scared me..after I left, he was so angry....and drunk ...I couldn't come anywhere near the house.....I knew it was bad news....I was scared of what would happen next.... I just really don't know what to do.....I know I have to choose a direction...and stick with it , I keep running around in circles and getting nowhere.

Live

Dear Sally,

I know someone all ready mentioned this...but I would strongly suggest getting to some meetings.

It is hard to see the forest for the trees when we are in the thick of it, sometimes it helps so much to be with others who have been there and are in different stages of resolution...and always understanding...that alone can be a sanity saver, t seems to me.

hugs,
live

Sally

Thank you so very much again, for your replies...I so badly want to attend meetings.....I know I would find great relief in them...I need to find myself agian.....self respect.....I feel so humiliated....that it makes me feel degraded...My husband , openly moved another women into the house.....the whole neibour hood knows.....what he did.....He caused major chaous around here.....driving drunk....squeeling the tires........just being completly out of control.......I just stayed away....I couldn't handle knowing what he was doing anymore...and I was affraid of what I would do.....If pushed....I couldn't take it anymore...he was crazy....I wanted so badly to come home.....I was so devastated shocked.....more like it....I found myself looking for a place for me and my kids to live.....as quick as I could.....I went thought the court proceedings to obtain custody and support......and that took months....months.......months.....He started to sober up, and had supervised visitation with the kids.....anyway he did stop drinking and he asked me to attend councelling with him....and at first I was reluctant....but I knew in my heart........I wanted to.....anyway here I am....still holding on to my dream......Iam doing much better now than earlier.....but I still don't think Iam thinking clearly....I feel still fogged in shock..and your right I cant see the forest for the tree's.....I find it hard to think clearly enough to make major decisions......Iam just so scared to make the wrong one.......I guess Iam just scared...period......I've lost all my self-respect....and Iam sure I've lost the respect of many people in the neighbour hood......Iam so ashamed to return to the kids school and re-register them.......I feel like a unstable...dumb......women......,llllll your going back to him Now
anyway, I feel like a *****......with no boundaries or standards.
I over heard someone making a coment, pointing to me and saying how my husband has two wives.....the truth is , this isn't the first time Ive had to deal with this.....from my husband...he has had so many affairs.....it's patetic......He never takes responsiblity.....he's alway's the victom.....these women are just choosing to stock the poor man....anyway......thats why I feel so degraded......and I really want to regain my self respect again...but Iam not sure how to even begin.....I feel like the freak of the neighbourhood......It was a very public......separation....

MonicaR

Hi Sally;

My heart is right there beside you and my prayers are with you. Can I share a little experience, strength and hope with you? When I started Al-anon, I had very low self-esteem and sometimes still struggle a little with it. I just had my first year anniversary in the program and I look back with grattitude for what I have. It was hard to get the courage to go to my first meeting, I almost left before going in. I truly have to say that I have never regretted going and cannot believe how much better life is now than it was. Yes, I still have an alcoholic in my life, but, now I have a life. I attend two meetings a week and then whenever I get the chance I find a conference or speaker meeting to go to. I am having the time of my life and my kids have also started Alateen. I have never felt so accepted and loved. There's a saying in Al-anon that the group loves you until you can love yourself and it's true. I want you to know that you are a good person and you are loveable. Find a group that will help you to learn and believe that. Keep coming back here too, there are wonderful people here.

MonicaR:council:

Live

Sally,

m ex-A moved women in and out like a sideshow...and OF COURSE it was always them chasing him (duh...evasion of responsibility)

But remember his behavior reflects on HIM

Sally

Dear Monica, thank you, you give me hope......It's so nice to have someone understand....lately when he drinks.....I try my best not to let his drinking affect me....I go on about my bussiness....and keep moving forward......this last year has been just incredible stress.....I ..feel .....just drained from it..emotionaly exhausted....once I get settled again in my home...Iam taking a leave from work.....for the summer so I can restabilize my life family, and home.....one day at a time....I will be healty agian...stress is our worst enemy...and there is no shortage of it when we live with our A.......

thank you again.....