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Question. Has anyone here....

Old 12-11-2006, 06:55 PM
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Question. Has anyone here....

Has anyone here been divorced/done with your A relationship, but remained friends or at least talk? I'm sure this is very individualized, but can it happen?
Or do the feelings get in the way....I'm talking down the road awhile? Maybe, those feelings pass? I don't know about that? I know after my first divorce(non A) after awhile I prolly could have talked w/ him. Love/romantic feelings had passed. Just curious....
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Old 12-11-2006, 08:43 PM
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Hello there mazey,

I still talk to my ex-wife. Mostly about financial stuff that's still not finished, sometimes about Mom, sometimes about the kids. Mom is 93yrs old, and is technically her step mother but I keep in touch with her cuz she's adorable. The "kids" is technically my ex-wife's 39yr old daughter, but we got really close while I was her step-dad. There's also the 4 grandkids that we talk about from time to time.

"Friends" is not something I'm comfortable with. The last few years of our marriage she was very clearly un-friendly in her behavior. One of the reasons we separated was her asking me to participate in the cover-up of her affairs with married men. I could not lie to the wives and my ex-wife didn't care for that. As long as she continues to use and abuse other people's marriages I don't want to be associated with her.

I've heard of other people who are able to "patch up" their relationship after a divorce. One couple I know back in L.A. has been married and divorced _five_ times. To each other.

To me a friendship requires _trust_, and I don't have that with my ex. If she can't be trusted to respect somebody else's marriage I sure am not going to trust her with much else. If she were to someday seek recovery and get her "feces amalgamated" that would be wonderful for her, and I might consider getting to know the new woman she might become. But I'm not going to put my life on hold waiting for the "what ifs". I did that while married to her, no sense in doing that again now that we are divorced. To me that would be a "codie relapse".

Mike
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Old 12-11-2006, 08:56 PM
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I've had two marriages with two different outcomes. Marriage #1 was not to an A but to someone who had to have pot daily. Basically it was a loveless marriage, more like roommates but produced my daughter. After the initial animosity from the divorce and custody issues we have been able to become friendly. I am actually friendly with my "wife-in-law" and was one of the first people to go hold their baby when he was born. We can all sit together at school functions, funerals or whatever. When our daughter spent a week in ICU at Texas Children's last year we both stayed up there round the clock, shared a room at Ronald McDonald house (sleeping in shifts - certainly not at the same time LOL!) We made the commitment when we got pregnant that no matter what we would put her needs and wishes first and do what we could to ensure her happiness. We stuck by that and she will be the first to tell you how lucky she feels.

Now to ex-AH (hubby #2). Raging alcoholic. Tried twice to make it work. Have no need nor desire to contact him about anything. He is insane enough that if I tried to be friendly he would take it as more.

Hope that helps answer your question!
Kellye
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Old 12-12-2006, 12:16 AM
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When I divorced my previous husband (an A and a RAGING narcissist - textbook case, in fact!) we made a stab at being friends, but that didn't work. So I just ceased all contact. I was a mess for about a year after I left him. Then I started to get back on track and feel better about life. Still had pangs of lonliness, but I was happy to come home to my own place and spend time alone with my cat. Ahhh, serenity!

I saw him one more time to give him a check that was for him and somehow got mailed to me! I figured if it got lost once in the mail, it could happen again. The old check-is-in-the-mail "thing" - still harbor paranoia about our postal service! LOL!!! Anyway, I met him in a neutral place - a parking lot of a restaurant in Annapolis. He stayed in is car, I got out of mine and handed him the check, he told me I looked great, we made a little small talk, and I drove off. No biggie. The one thing that gave me great pleasure at that time was the fact that I had dropped 30 lbs. since he last saw me, I was wearing very short shorts and had on platform sandals. I really did look great.

I saw him for what he really was finally. Charming, still good looking, a great dresser, and a user. Very big on appearances - expensive car, expensive clothes, and madly in love with himself. Pity the poor women he's used since I last saw him in 2002!
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Old 12-12-2006, 02:00 AM
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No, when I left, it was to a shelter. My ex was insane on alcohol, cocaine and he was deadly violent. He stalked me, bugged my phone, threatened my life and the lives of my family. He ignored restrainong orders to kick down the front door and tie me up with a phone cord. He popped my eardrum and broke two of my ribs, he handed me a loaded gun and told me to shoot myself. I don't like thinking about it and only dare myself to write the words. HIs life has gone on with the same pattern and he still uses....everything. Over the past years he has tried usng different occassions to strike up conversations but I don't even know him anymore but what's reallly weird is I don't know the woman who used to love him anymore either. What kind of sick cookie could have cried her guts out at losing him?
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Old 12-12-2006, 04:35 AM
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Many years ago I left my X- he was a jealous fool. He was a drug user and very controlling. Like Mallow cup said, I think back and that young girl is not me now. I am so much stronger, sometimes I think too much so. I come across as I don't need anyone and my attitude is now if you don't like it u know where the door is. I have done a 360 in my life, my hubby just can't cut a break. I just know what I want and I will get it. My boundaries are honored and his tone of voice has to be just so. Maybe I have PTSD but I just never want to feel like that doormat again. It works for us and our marriage is pretty good. As far as the X goes, he will try to be friendly but I just say Hi slick with a smile on my face and keep walking. Once he had the nerve to think I would still sleep with him, I was in my 1st year of marriage and I was at the boat launch and he stopped so I couldn't just keep going. I just said my Lord you have alot of nerve, drag your ass. So to answer your ? I have left a relationship~~~ Friends no thanks, I have those. Kerry
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Old 12-12-2006, 05:45 AM
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Wow, some good replies, thanks! I don't want a relationship w/ him again....done that repeatedly, but do consider speaking to him about family, work, etc. I think it is just where I'm at right now. Getting better, some of the pain has passed prolly cuz I haven't had contact! And, I know I am not ready yet to speak, but wondering if it ever becomes harmless? I think in my head I KNOW it won't be okay.....after all, we have been "repeaters" in the past and don't want any temptation to believe in him again! He's done w/ me too, cuz he knows I won't play on his playground again. This whole thing just stinks cuz of the relationships with the good part of them was strong and binding. Absolutely hate it! Thanks for the responses....brought me back to reality! and reminders of the horrible/life threatening times. Seeing the good, and not the bad has been a fault of mine! Help keep me focused.
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Old 12-12-2006, 06:53 AM
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Wow, interesting question.

My first wife (also drinking buddy) and I parted friends but didn't contact each other after I moved back to Phoenix. I caught up with her last year and found out she's also in recovery, and doing very well. Yay!

Wife #2, mother of my children, and I aren't on the friendliest of terms. When I made my amends to her it didn't go well, her boyfriend was hiding inside the house, and a fight ensued. He has an assault charge against me, she has a restraining order. We're slowly getting to the point where we can communicate in a friendly manner, but for now it's good just to talk about parenting issues and scheduling our kids activities.

The hard part is remembering that we had a good friendship at one time. I guess I have to look at the bitterness between us now and remember that "this too shall pass".......

Scott
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Old 12-12-2006, 07:59 AM
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I have a friend relationship now with my daughters Father (my first husband) though it only took about 15 years for that to happen.

In fact he invited me to stay at his home last year when I went up to settle my moms estate. My daughter was living there at the time. We talk mostly about our daughter but sometimes its more personal. He is currently remarried and very happy.... Even though there are still issues I still hope he is happy.... btw he is not in recovery.
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Old 12-12-2006, 08:23 AM
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I still email my ex but mostly jokes and pictures of kids. He drank too much (I can't tell you if he was an alcoholic, only he can) and he smoked pot. I wasn't drinking at the time. He's always been a cheat and a liar. I feel sorry for his new wife because I actually was friends with her when we were younger. She'll figure it out soon enough.

I'm remarried to someone who is kind and I don't have any children with first husband so I don't really need to talk to him. I'm still struggling but I'm so glad to be where I am today.
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