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Doesn't add up

Old 12-10-2006, 06:10 AM
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Doesn't add up

Hi Everyone,

I've decided that I no longer accept blame from the men in my life.

I may have been put in a spot by my mother when I was a child to be responsible for her but as an adult it all doesn't add up to 2 + 2= it's Ngaires fault.

I work on taking responsibility for my side of the street AND DON'T take responsibility for the other side of the street.

The ex A wanted to talk to me last week and when I asked if he was clean,sober getting better he responded with "He's changed his mind about having an "honest" conversation with me because I'm "condescending."
Again, my fault. Well it's not my fault that he lied, drank, probably used, spent a better part of a year drinking and probably using and lying about everything.

Feels good to get that off my chest.

Bye for now

Ngaire
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Old 12-10-2006, 07:28 AM
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Hi Ngaire,
I think it is so much about changing incorrect thought patterns. For multiple reasons, so many of us have them. I think that identifying the skewed thinking and response patterns, then doing something like coming here and sharing it or saying it out loud, "Hey, this really is not my fault," works to change those patterns. Over time, I really believe that the faulty thinking can change. All of that to say.... Good for you!
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Old 12-10-2006, 07:46 AM
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Yes you are right, it's old tapes that start playing with the right triggers. Once we can identify the triggers we can deal with those old tapes.

Ngaire
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Old 12-10-2006, 08:18 AM
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the girl can't help it
 
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(((ngaire))))

I wanna be like you when I grow up!!!
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Old 12-10-2006, 08:28 AM
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ngaire.....you're fantastic!!!!!

feels good to look through different eyes, hear with different ears, feel with a new heart doesn't it???

and how great to reclaim our power!!!!!

give yourself a big pat on the back, ngaire.

love to you
jeri
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Old 12-10-2006, 10:03 AM
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ngaire, I know where you are coming from. I take the blame for many things even outside of relationships. I catch myself doing it a lot at work. It's an awful thing to allow ourselves to do. I am glad you shared that.
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Old 12-10-2006, 10:06 AM
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i RECEIVED AN E-MAIL FROM him just after I posted this this morning telling what a rough time he's having with all this and how he lied to everyone when he moved up to VT so no one would know him but his lies have caught up to him and that he hasn't done Heroin but has drank becaus ehe has depression issues.

I told him he was choosing to suffer,help is available if he wants it. Basically I put it all back in his lap and gave him nothing of myself.

Ngaire
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Old 12-10-2006, 10:41 AM
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"choosing to suffer".....oh, how they hate to hear those words.

hang in there girlfriend, stay focused.....you are doing fantastic.

there is a saying....no matter where you go, there you are....he is finding that out, but there's always a new town to move to, and a new beginning for them...so they think. geographical cure doesn't work.

love to you
jeri
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Old 12-10-2006, 05:07 PM
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God how I wish I could cut and paste his e-mails onto this board. They are unreal.

He sent me one back telling me that I like the thought of him choosing to suffer but he isn't and how I have NO FEELINGS FOR ANYONE BUT MYSELF AND HE IS GRATEFUL TO BE ABLE TO CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE OTHER THAN HIM AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I replied with a typed SIGH.

Ngaire
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Old 12-10-2006, 08:20 PM
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You know what they say don't cha??? The best defense is a good offense and they are sooooooooo good at it - arent they? That is until we get well and then its game over...gotta love it.
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Old 12-11-2006, 02:48 AM
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Condescending my ass... They hate when we smarting up. I just love it when they try to turn it around on us. I try not to generalize but it seems to be so typical with alcoholics. Nqaire great come back your recovery is showing---
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Old 12-11-2006, 05:27 AM
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He seems to be getting angrier and angrier because I'm not responding appropriately to him.

They don't realize that it really makes it much easier to keep the resolve of not going back when they behave like total horses butts.

Ngaire
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