Drinking
 

Not sure why I'm here....guess I'm lost....I don't know what to do or say to my husband anymore. I fill so alone right now and want answers so badly.....I've been reading all night different sites to find out what are the options? My eyes hurt my heart hurts and I love and hate my husband at the same time. They say it's not an illness, "its a choice" some say he can't help it..."its in his genes".
I can't keep putting up with this kind of behavior but didn't I say. "for better or worse?". He drinks everyday mostly beer....he drives...in the last 6 years we've been married he has had two DUI's...has been in two accidents...no one has been hurt....but why doesn't he get it? It's like he doesn't respect me.
I have friends and family, but I hate talking with them...they don't give much advice that can change anything. My mother is a drunk too...she says it won't hurt to allow the drinking in the house...just don't drink and drive. I say why do we have to drink at all? I like a nice glass of wine now and then, but don't like to be drunk and hate to be around drunks. Is anyone out there like me?

Hello C Wife.

Yes many like you; in fact I was like you. My wife was drinking and still is. We are no longer together, 3 yrs now. In fact in October she had 3 more DUI’s. You no it really does not matter how to shift the cause, genes, choice or otherwise. The fact is that is happening. Like you my Mother is an alcoholic also.

This is great place to contact and talk to people. I really advice you to find an Alanon meeting, and start going to them.

I do understand better or worse and that kept me in the last 4 years of our marriage.
But it also kept me in a kind of hell. It’s a twisted tail I was wagging there and if you look back at some of my past threads you would see what I mean.

Bottom line is that you yourself can do nothing for him. You really need to think about you, I know that sounds selfish but it’s true.

It’s early now and I’m off to work. I’m sure you will get more people writing through out the day.


C

Hello cali wife. Welcome.

I'm pretty new to this forum myself but I also have a husband with a drinking problem and so far I've learnt 2 things from posting and reading here. The first is that nothing I can do or say will change his drinking, only he can do that if/when he decides. The second is that it's important to have some support for my own sanity. I went to my first alanon meeting the other night and I feel that it will be a lot of help for me. I am now beginning to understand how we as partners get caught up in it all without actually realising. I think alanon will help me disentangle a little.

Would you consider trying Alanon? I found that, even with the very best of intentions, friends and family usually don't understand the problem and sometimes end up making you feel like you're over-reacting. You need support from people that understand.

morning cali wife
our wedding vows also said....to honor and to cherish.

we are not being honored or cherished when we are being abused by the alcoholic.

i tried in vain, to find answers to my husbands problems.....that search led me to near mental, physical, and spiritual breakdown. i was nearly dead spiritually....the light had gone out of my eyes.

i'm so sorry that your life has been ravaged by the effect of alcoholism. it is pain to love them. it is up to us to make the choice to stay in that pain, or to move forward.

one way you can move forward, is to get yourself involved in a support group such as al-anon.

love to you cali wife.....i understand how difficult it is.

jeri

Hey there Cali - I felt the same as you and everyone else here about my wedding vows too...but I the words " I do " - I did not mean that I would do it allllll........and when you're married to an alcoholic with 6 dui's behind him believe me I did it all alone.... his disease is progressive and only gets worse. Soon the tall stories about what happened to him on way home will fill the air in the room and the kids will walk out of the room as he walks in....all so sad when I remember back. Just remember hun"

You didnt cause it
You cant control it
You cant cure it

Listen to Mr. C and Jeri and all of us - we have beeeeeen there.

Hugs girl
Janit

Hi Cali, There are many of us out here who are living with or have lived with an alcoholic.

I too have friends and a very large supportive family but nothing they could do or say changed anything for me. I have found alanon and that is changing things for me. Alanon members are people just like you and I. The Alanon people can't give advice that to change him, through Alanon you will learn how to change yourself and how you deal with the alcoholic in your life.

I tried the route of just keeping my AH's drinking to the house - something that was suggested by his mother (who is also an A) but it didn't help. In fact as time went along his drinking and actions became worse.

I am still in the early stages of accepting that I have to change and that I can't change him - only he can do that for himself. But I have found that coming here and going to alanon meetings has helped me to find a better way to deal with how I feel and to find more peace than I had before.

It's comforting to have the common bond and communication with others who are suffering from living with an alcoholic.

Prayers and hugs to you.

Hi Cali, There are many of us out here who are living with or have lived with an alcoholic.

I too have friends and a very large supportive family but nothing they could do or say changed anything for me. I have found alanon and that is changing things for me. Alanon members are people just like you and I. The Alanon people can't give advice that to change him, through Alanon you will learn how to change yourself and how you deal with the alcoholic in your life.

I tried the route of just keeping my AH's drinking to the house - something that was suggested by his mother (who is also an A) but it didn't help. In fact as time went along his drinking and actions became worse.

I am still in the early stages of accepting that I have to change and that I can't change him - only he can do that for himself. But I have found that coming here and going to alanon meetings has helped me to find a better way to deal with how I feel and to find more peace than I had before.

Please think about alanon and keep coming back here. It's comforting to have the common bond and communication with others who are suffering from living with an alcoholic.

Prayers and hugs to you.

I am very happy that you have written back....after writing my message on Friday night I finally crawled into bed and went to sleep....just writing down how I was feeling made it easier to trun off my head and go to sleep.
I would love to attend an alanon meeting...I had told my husband that three years ago from work on the phone....that night he was picked up for DUI....when I picked him up he said,"I had caused it by what I had said"......should have left him in jail!!!!
I must say honor and cherished are some words I never thought of....but the mental breakdown is something I can relate to...it's like I'm obsesed with his problem...because it effects me and our daughter. I told him that on Saturday Morning when he was better and all was right with the world (temporary).
He told me that I am depressing..I responded with I am depressed!!!!!! I then sat and thought about me for most of the day. I am going to change who I am I'm not the sick puppy he is! I need to do some things for me.
The only alonon meetings in my area are spanish speaking....I live an hour and 1/2 from any english groups. That's why I'm here in this wonderful place...
Thanks for writing.

There must be a meeting around there closer, that doesnt sound right.
I remember getting told I caused the drinking, that's an easy out.
I think the longer you stay in this the more it will do to you.
I know this to be true. It's a big box to crawl out of believe me. But when you do and the freedom is known again you will see that it's better this way.

Mr. C
Well...sad but true. There are not many services offered in the area I live that are in English. I am not against going to a group I have been helped once before in my life at a group known as SOS. I did have to drive to Monterey 1 1/2 drive each way. So I did attend and got some phone numbers and it really helped. So I'm thinking I can find a group and attend it while my family is away during the day. Then maybe someone will give me a phone number for support.
I'm very interested in the experiences you have had and am going to try and learn this web-site so I can learn from your deep box.......
I did something crazy a couple of weeks ago....my husband is always MIA so when he arived home after missing for some 12 hours I told him I wanted a divorce! That I was tired of waiting, being upset, and not knowing if he was dead.....
He woke me up the next morning at 7:00am and said he was an ass and he needed help and needed me to help him. So I went on line to find some sort of program....they are all so expensive!!!!! This isn't his first rodeo with the 12-step program and he hates it! Says it doesn't help him. So I contacted the Doctor Phil show (don't laugh) I am deparate! They called and wanted us to be on the show....Mark was beside himself and wasn't willing to air our dirty laundry on national tv. Can't say that I blame him the thought made me sick to my stomach! But the help is free and I am just looking for the magic pill! Honestly I know there isn't one...but I keep thinking maybe this will work?
Friday night was another long night that's why I wrote to this site.......He came home from work (not late) but when he arrived he was getting sick in the yard....then the bathroom.....then in our bed. I was glad he was here so I knew he wasn't in an accident or worse killing someone else. But I was still alone.....Thank you for taking the time to respond...
C Wife

I am physically separated from my AW. Things just progressively got worse and I ended up leaving/boundaries because it was making me too sick, emotionally and physically. I went to a psychologist, alanon , and a local rehab center support group. I read "I'll quit tomorrow" and "Love first" (about alcoholism and dealing with it and intervention. Once I understood that alcohol is at the steering wheel and not the person inside I felt much better. Learn to not be angry. The alcoholic is akin to someone demonically posessed(recovering alcoholics have said this)

Things you can do that may help the person seek recovery are

# stop enabling
# let them feel the consequences (pain)
# boundaries

# TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF. do things to separate emotionally. stop worrying about "fixing" the addict.

# don't try to "reason" with an addict. their brains are not working normally. you will get very stressed out, and very well may pull out your hair.


When the addict feels enough pain they very well may be motivated to recover.

Having children complicate things greatly. Only you can decide whether you casn stay in the situation or not.




Read pertinent posts on these forums that will help you learn a great deal.




Take care

the only way to help him is to stop helping him. Leave him alone. Dont' fix things, dont' look up things, don't find things. If he really wants to change he'll find a way. So long as you do it for him he's not really changing.

He is an adult. He must take on the responsibilities of one. You're not his mother and he's not a baby, he's just trying to act like one and he'll keep it up as long as you let him. Sure if he were a normal person having a bad day you'd help, but he's not normal is he? normal people don't have bad days every day 24/7.

Nothing you do for him will work. That's the hardest most painful part. Knowing that the best thing you can do for him is walk away from him. that just about did me in, realizing that my help was making him worse.

Don't sweat the marriage vows. He's not capable of keeping up his end so you're off the hook. I just tell people that A) god does not want me to be miserable and b) I didn't sign up to be married to a 5 year old.