losing my friend by telling the truth
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: london
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losing my friend by telling the truth
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One of my very good friends is an alcoholic/cocaine user. With a heavy heart I decided to inform his own family. He lives this split life and his father has been his main enabler for many years not knowing why.
My friend up til last year was always fighting his addiction overtly. and then he got invovled with a girl who was on cocacine and things spiralled out of control. He also has a five year old son.
My friend now hates me and never wants to see me again. I feel so sad and awful that he sees me as making his life worse. Before I told his family I already knew I would lose him as a freind. But as his denial is so strong I feel it is his only hope.
I suppose on one level I may force him to face some of his denial. I have seen people die from the effects of all this and my own sisters partner died of alcholism at 39. He was protected right to the end by my sister, as a family she let us know he was ill when given 48 hours to live. ANd will it help the situation or make it much worse?
I can't play the lies game anymore. His parents are relieved to know the truth and so am I. How can I look at all his family knowing the truth. How could I stand at his grave and look his son in the eyes. They are seeking advice on how they can best help him. I pray that my friend finds a path back.
Freindships for me are all about loyalty. My friend has confided in me for many years. Now I have destroyed a port of call for him.
Ah, all this hope, I have read some mails and yes it is a merry go round.
love to all
Sarah
One of my very good friends is an alcoholic/cocaine user. With a heavy heart I decided to inform his own family. He lives this split life and his father has been his main enabler for many years not knowing why.
My friend up til last year was always fighting his addiction overtly. and then he got invovled with a girl who was on cocacine and things spiralled out of control. He also has a five year old son.
My friend now hates me and never wants to see me again. I feel so sad and awful that he sees me as making his life worse. Before I told his family I already knew I would lose him as a freind. But as his denial is so strong I feel it is his only hope.
I suppose on one level I may force him to face some of his denial. I have seen people die from the effects of all this and my own sisters partner died of alcholism at 39. He was protected right to the end by my sister, as a family she let us know he was ill when given 48 hours to live. ANd will it help the situation or make it much worse?
I can't play the lies game anymore. His parents are relieved to know the truth and so am I. How can I look at all his family knowing the truth. How could I stand at his grave and look his son in the eyes. They are seeking advice on how they can best help him. I pray that my friend finds a path back.
Freindships for me are all about loyalty. My friend has confided in me for many years. Now I have destroyed a port of call for him.
Ah, all this hope, I have read some mails and yes it is a merry go round.
love to all
Sarah
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Finding myself
Posts: 3
Controlling someone to get sober by telling others about his behaviors etc is not minding our own business and manipulation. Tho well intentioned, it always backfired on me.
Im responsible for the little circumference which is my life, not others.
I know you meant to help, but you have no power to "get him" to see his denial. No human power can shake the insanity out. Believe me, I am the master at trying.
Im responsible for the little circumference which is my life, not others.
I know you meant to help, but you have no power to "get him" to see his denial. No human power can shake the insanity out. Believe me, I am the master at trying.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((Sarah))))
I had to tell my mom once that my sister is very strung out on crack. She still did not believe it...I was hoping she would protect her money a little better...she gets ripped off every month like clock work.
Addiction is bigger than we are. Denial runs very deep especially in the addict and their families. Maybe you did make a little crack in their great big wall but, don't count on it. I just cannot understand it myself. If someone was on fire I would try to help them wouldn't you?
I had to tell my mom once that my sister is very strung out on crack. She still did not believe it...I was hoping she would protect her money a little better...she gets ripped off every month like clock work.
Addiction is bigger than we are. Denial runs very deep especially in the addict and their families. Maybe you did make a little crack in their great big wall but, don't count on it. I just cannot understand it myself. If someone was on fire I would try to help them wouldn't you?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: london
Posts: 3
Thanks for your responses
Yes, I know, underneath - I am hoping!!! Or am I controlling? And I have really questioned what right do I have to speak up?
But if you saw someone lying on the street in an accident would you walk past and say "oh thats his life?", well that is the sense of urgency I perceive in his physical health. Yes, and the backfiring has happened, he hates me. I sort of knew that would happen. so yes, the attempt to punch a hole in his denial - before he is ready? is what I have done.
I have soul searched, how much of this is about me and how much is about him? I don't feel its controlling as I was prepared to lose him and still am and have lost him. It feels more like tough love. And I know "well intentioned love". Am I trying to rescue him from his doom?
I have read on the site "tough love" and other ways we can look after ourselves and ensure we do not "enable" others going insane with them!
But his parents have taken it seriously and are seeking advice from addiction advisors - I know they can't stop him - but is care such a bad thing? Awareness seems very important too.
LadyLove - sounds like you have been through all the pain of this and more.
Does Al Anon say, learning to detach and looking after yourself is all that all I can do in life? And on reflection, I know that noone has ever changed me becasue of comments etc... But they have started me thinking!!
and I must say when I was 20 years old my own parents came and took me out of a very bad situation and I was so grateful and learned new ways to live.
Its all just a sad state of affairs. And I posted here because I have questioned "what have I done? who is it for? and have I made things worse for him?" and I feel powerless and desparate for my friend and his son.
thank you
Sarah T
Yes, I know, underneath - I am hoping!!! Or am I controlling? And I have really questioned what right do I have to speak up?
But if you saw someone lying on the street in an accident would you walk past and say "oh thats his life?", well that is the sense of urgency I perceive in his physical health. Yes, and the backfiring has happened, he hates me. I sort of knew that would happen. so yes, the attempt to punch a hole in his denial - before he is ready? is what I have done.
I have soul searched, how much of this is about me and how much is about him? I don't feel its controlling as I was prepared to lose him and still am and have lost him. It feels more like tough love. And I know "well intentioned love". Am I trying to rescue him from his doom?
I have read on the site "tough love" and other ways we can look after ourselves and ensure we do not "enable" others going insane with them!
But his parents have taken it seriously and are seeking advice from addiction advisors - I know they can't stop him - but is care such a bad thing? Awareness seems very important too.
LadyLove - sounds like you have been through all the pain of this and more.
Does Al Anon say, learning to detach and looking after yourself is all that all I can do in life? And on reflection, I know that noone has ever changed me becasue of comments etc... But they have started me thinking!!
and I must say when I was 20 years old my own parents came and took me out of a very bad situation and I was so grateful and learned new ways to live.
Its all just a sad state of affairs. And I posted here because I have questioned "what have I done? who is it for? and have I made things worse for him?" and I feel powerless and desparate for my friend and his son.
thank you
Sarah T
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: OHIO
Posts: 959
Sarah... I was married to an alcoholic for 22 years and there is a fine line between controlling and caring....too fine in my opinion. I however do not attend al anon and maybe I should have but the damage was already too late for my marriage anyway so I chose not to go back to meetings. It's a personal choice.
I wish that if he ever sobers up he finds a way to read what you wrote about him....then he will see the true friend he had in you and chose to throw away. Do you see just how hard their denial is? Your friendship is yet one more thing he has lost in one form or fashion on his painful road to perdition.
No it probably wasn't the right thing for you to do but if it helps in down the road then I call it generosity towards his family. Because had you not informed them of the truth then one day they may of come to you and asked you why you never said anything and maybe even accused you of not being their sons friend because you never spoke up....
See the chaos and crisis they cause....toooo sad hun - just too sad.
Hugs to you today girl... I think it took alot of courage for you to have done what you did - you're my hero....lol
Janit
I wish that if he ever sobers up he finds a way to read what you wrote about him....then he will see the true friend he had in you and chose to throw away. Do you see just how hard their denial is? Your friendship is yet one more thing he has lost in one form or fashion on his painful road to perdition.
No it probably wasn't the right thing for you to do but if it helps in down the road then I call it generosity towards his family. Because had you not informed them of the truth then one day they may of come to you and asked you why you never said anything and maybe even accused you of not being their sons friend because you never spoke up....
See the chaos and crisis they cause....toooo sad hun - just too sad.
Hugs to you today girl... I think it took alot of courage for you to have done what you did - you're my hero....lol
Janit
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Finding myself
Posts: 3
To care is not wrong
To behave in the wrong way is wrong. You have to understand mroe about the disease in order to understand.
You cannot control alcoholism, you cannot control someone into sobriety.
To behave in the wrong way is wrong. You have to understand mroe about the disease in order to understand.
You cannot control alcoholism, you cannot control someone into sobriety.
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I always say that at some point, you are either a part of the truth or a part of the lie. It isn't over so things may change. If and when this guy decides to for a real life hange, he will recall you as someone who is clean and sober, someone who cared. when he reaches his bottom and prays to God for someone who cares, God wil remind him of you. So long as there is one person who cares, he has a reason and a way. You did the right thing.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sarah t 
And on reflection, I know that noone has ever changed me becasue of comments etc... But they have started me thinking!!
and I must say when I was 20 years old my own parents came and took me out of a very bad situation and I was so grateful and learned new ways to live.
and I must say when I was 20 years old my own parents came and took me out of a very bad situation and I was so grateful and learned new ways to live.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: london
Posts: 3
Dear Denny 57
Yes, in fact it was my flat mate. and you know what my expereince looking back is that I was so grateful she cared enough to let them know. Of course, I made the changes, but without my families support it would have been awful.
So yes, my own expereince of family is they want to help if you let them in! and my own expereince of my friends family, is that they are loving and supportive!!
So, yes I do believe at one level, recovery must come from self, but it really helps to have people who care enough to shout at you, and not walk away when you scream back. And I know that not everyone in life makes it back from addictions.
so I suppose I am like my flatemate at present! Not knowing what to do, not knowing if things will improve, but calling in the "light brigade!" anyway.
LadyLove is right though about control. And my friend believes I am messing with his life - so maybe he can rebel even more now! And his experience is his experience. So I may have made things much worse. and I have to live with the consequences of that.
thank you for your insights
Yes, in fact it was my flat mate. and you know what my expereince looking back is that I was so grateful she cared enough to let them know. Of course, I made the changes, but without my families support it would have been awful.
So yes, my own expereince of family is they want to help if you let them in! and my own expereince of my friends family, is that they are loving and supportive!!
So, yes I do believe at one level, recovery must come from self, but it really helps to have people who care enough to shout at you, and not walk away when you scream back. And I know that not everyone in life makes it back from addictions.
so I suppose I am like my flatemate at present! Not knowing what to do, not knowing if things will improve, but calling in the "light brigade!" anyway.
LadyLove is right though about control. And my friend believes I am messing with his life - so maybe he can rebel even more now! And his experience is his experience. So I may have made things much worse. and I have to live with the consequences of that.
thank you for your insights
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 146
I think you did the right thing.
Just because alcoholism is difficult to understand, control and reason with for the non alcoholic, doesn't change the fundamental's of what is right is right and adversely, what is wrong is wrong.
In other words it is never right to hide a secret if that secret is harming someone (in this case not only the alcohol abuser but his child and family as well.) You did the right thing and were prepared to lose a friend to do it. I think that take guts. In my opinion you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. You became part of the solution.
Anyway - if the alcoholic is so convinced that they do not have a problem or that they are happy as they are then they can justify to those who have just been informed.
And I say all of the above as a person who has drank far too much over the last 6 years.
Good Luck.
Just because alcoholism is difficult to understand, control and reason with for the non alcoholic, doesn't change the fundamental's of what is right is right and adversely, what is wrong is wrong.
In other words it is never right to hide a secret if that secret is harming someone (in this case not only the alcohol abuser but his child and family as well.) You did the right thing and were prepared to lose a friend to do it. I think that take guts. In my opinion you're either part of the problem or part of the solution. You became part of the solution.
Anyway - if the alcoholic is so convinced that they do not have a problem or that they are happy as they are then they can justify to those who have just been informed.
And I say all of the above as a person who has drank far too much over the last 6 years.
Good Luck.
Alcohol is a cruel mistress!!!
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: crownpoint newyork
Posts: 820
Hi Sarah, since I lost my very long post to you, I will make this very short since the others have got it covered. Don't sweat it Hun, what is done is done. You love your friend and hopefully he will find "his" bottom. All addicts find it in their own time others never find it at all, they just take their addictions to the grave. Take care of you that is all we can do. With Love, Kerry
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Posts: 540
Sarah I think you did the right thing. Your friend may be back in your life one day. I too approached a family when there daughter was using cocaine. They had no idea. I did not do it out of trying to control the situation. I just felt if something happened to her I could not live with myself. I wish someone had told me about my son, everyone knew except his own family. He did eventually tell us. Would it have made a difference ? probably not, but it would have answered alot of questions we had at the time. The way I see it is you care about your friend. This young woman Im talking about has been clean for 8 months not because I told her family but because she did it for herself, however her family was extremely happy I told them. They have been there to support and love her. At first she would not talk to me, now she says she truly understands why I went to the family. You cant change him, you can't control it or cure it, but in my view if you just sat back and did nothing that is wrong too.
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Join Date: May 2005
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I'm a bit confused by some of the reactions to your post. I guess I'm just not clear as to why people think you should have kept this a secret from the family. Isn't covering it up enabling? I guess I'm not educated enough in codie-recovery to understand this.
I can tell you though that I once contacted my exabf's mom to tell her I was really concerned about his health. SHe is well aware that he has a drinking problem and even once told me I didn't need an alcoholic in my life. Even so she blew off my concerns and she's a nurse. So telling probably wasn't needed or appreciated.
I can tell you though that I once contacted my exabf's mom to tell her I was really concerned about his health. SHe is well aware that he has a drinking problem and even once told me I didn't need an alcoholic in my life. Even so she blew off my concerns and she's a nurse. So telling probably wasn't needed or appreciated.
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