findmyself

Hi, new to this place, glad to find i'm not alone in this insanity. I really thought i was the only one going through this, at least to the degree that i am. Been married for 20 years. My husband was a alcoholic when i met him but I knew " I could change all that" (hahahaha). Wish I knew then what I know now. But I will say, given the choice I would do it all again because I have a 15 year old Daughter and would not ever wish she was not here with me. Ten years ago I stared divorce proceedings to get out of a very sick marriage. Well, he got sober. We stayed married and we were actually pretty happy. Things were good and we enjoyed each others company. Two years ago, WHAM, he started drinking again. Just a little, now and then. Well, now its so bad I cant even believe where I am anymore. He has just come off a 6 day binge, didnt come home, is hanging out in strip clubs and has a "best friend" that makes Hitler seem like a nice guy. To make things worse, my beautiful Daughter is recovering from cancer. He could not care less about her condition, her wellfare, her future, or her life. I can not leave him right now, for many reasons. The only sane reason is, He has a great job (functional alcoholic always) and I need to make sure my Daughter has the medical insurance she needs until I know she will be o.k.
I do not know how to live under the same roof with this man and not scream, yell, rant and rave. I am consumed with anger and rage. I know in my sane moments, all the right stuff... I didnt cause it, I cant controll it, I know i am the control freak.. If i can just get him to come home right from work, He'll stay sober, but I truly know I cant... I know all this stuff is true. But..... I cant control my temper. I try and It goes well for about 10-15 mins. and then i blow. This is killing me, and destroying my Daughter. Now she confronts him and I'm so afraid he will lose it and hurt her when hes been drinking.
I read these "I detached" articles and wish I knew how to begin to do this. How do i begin to detach? How do i let him do what hes doing and stop caring? I am ashamed to admit this but... I love him so deeply it hurts. I do not love what he is when hes drinking, but for 8 years he was my best friend and I miss him so much thats it a physical ache at times. I am racked with guilt because I feel the love I have for him, is an insult to my Daughter, who, is also my best friend. Im very lost right now. I hope i didnt ramble too much. Thanks for listening.
findmyself.

lilac

(((Hugs to you)))) There will be others that come along later that will have much more advice and insight for you than I do. I am still very new to this detaching idea (don't do it right about half the time).

Alcoholics have no clue what they do to the lives of others........My AH , even though I left, still thinks he has no problem.

I will tell you that this site is wonderful. I truly believe it helped me keep my sanity. I came here in September, when I was so low....
There are many here that understand where you are coming from.
They will offer advice and honesty to you that will get you past this.

I will keep you and your beautiful daughter in my prayers, and hope to get to know you better.

Tally

I think what helped me detach (apart from reading here and buying some books) is thinking to myself "Does me ranting and raving, blowing my top, getting mad at him, does it work?"

If I scream at him a bit louder will he stop drinking? If I nag a bit harder will he suddenly come to his senses? If I sit down with him and try to logically explain my side will he understand?

If I cry will he see the harm he's doing?

I think you know the answer to all the questions above....No.

You are only doing harm to yourself...it's exhausting being angry all the time...he's not listening, it doesn't matter how hurt you are, how loud you shout...he doesn't hear it.

So I thought to myself..."What's the point?"....There isn't one...I was just making myself unhappy..

You have to try and take the focus off him and what he's doing and get on with you and your daughter..

Read the stickies here...the best things you can do is stop enabling him and try and detach...it's so hard at first but it helps get your sanity back and there comes a point where you have to put yourself first.

AllTooSober

Wow findmyself, I'm so sorry you're facing this, especially with the health of your daughter being so troubling. Big hugs to you!! I wish I could offer something useful to you, but all I have now is empathy. Please stick around here--the people here are just wonderful and supportive. They've helped me stay sane more than I can express. Welcome!

findmyself

I promise to stay as I have tears streaming down my face in the knowledge that I now feel connected to others who understand and care. Thank you and I will continue to post, ask advice and listen.

denny57

hi findmyself, glad you're here

I would suggest Al-Anon for face to face meetings - you are definitely not alone!

On a practical note, if your major concern is the health coverage for your daughter, he would be required to cover her no matter what. Have you spoken to an attorney yet just to know your options. I did that long before I knew for sure my marriage was over and it calmed me to know just how much I would be protected.

Keep posting. There is a ton of understanding and love here. ((()))

Tally

When I think I'm going crazy with the insanity of it all (although things have been a lot better lately) I tell him I'm not speaking to him anymore until he is sober, I make myself a cuppa and log in here and just read and read...and if he carries on talking I put my ipod on!

You're not alone...probably every feeling and emotion you've had, every bad experience..at least one person here has had it too.

findmyself

Dear Denny,

He tells me, and I do believe him, If I divorce him, he will quit his job. He says he will willingly go to jail rather than lose us and financially support us too. He was hurt at his job and is ondergoing a lawsuit for his extensive injurys. I am waiting to see what happens with this as I may be entitled to a percentage of this and then it wont matter what he dose about his employment. In the mean time trying to find a way to survive with out losing my mind and the respect of my child. As im sure you know lawsuits can drag on and on.

denny57

It's possible his lawsuit could end with just his medicals being covered. Then what?

Here are #4 and #5 from the "Top Ten Threats Made During a Divorce"

#4 I'll go to jail before I'll pay you a dime.
The courts have developed various tools to ensure that support payments are made. If someone really does not want to pay it is true that the court can place them in jail on a charge of contempt, but this is rarely the case as usually most people pay their obligations voluntarily long before it gets to spending time in jail.

#5 I'll quit my job before I'll pay you that amount of support.
There are many ways to enforce a support obligation, and if a spouse purposefully quits their job the judge will come down very hard on them. If you hear such a statement try to get a witness who can testify in court that they heard the statement. If the statement is made in an email or letter, save it, you will be using it in court.

They are idle threats.

I have learned that loving someone in a healthy way does not "hurt deeply." You say this is destroying your daughter, yet say you are staying for her benefit.

There are decisions in life that are so difficult to make. I spent a long time in wishful thinking and hoping that things would just work out. I realized a better life for me was not going to happen unless I took control of MY life.

You say you know the 3 C's and that you're aware you're trying to control. Do you attend Al-Anon meetings or some other support group? Do you have a sponsor?

Take care and good luck.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Hello find, hug to you first you need that. So sorry for the health issues of your daughter. What is her prognosis? I think al-anon meetings for you and ala-teen for her may be a nice place to start. I second denny with just finding out what your options are you do not have to do anything now. I did that, it helps. We all do the crying, ranting and raving only to eventually discover that changing our behavior helps us. Knowing eventually that you need to understand that you will never change them. Only they can if they want to. Your statements at the end of your post caught me because I know these feelings:I love him so deeply it hurts. I miss him so much it hurts. You know how you feel about him and maybe your daughter knows how she feels about him but she also can't change how you feel about him and it is your ultimate decision so there is no room for guilt in my opinion. Seek what you need and you shall find. I love my AH I have actually sat him down when he was sober and told him calmly how i feel when he drinks. He still drinks but sometimes I am feeling lately he is listening. Ultimately though I know he can only change himself and down the road for me time will tell. Blessings to you and your daughter.

queenteree

Dear Findmyself
I too am married to an A who was sober for many years. As you said, my AH was my best friend in the whole world. We were so very close and so happy. Then out of the blue he started drinking, a little here, a little there, and now we're back to the way he was before he stopped many years ago. Like you, I ranted, raved, was filled with sooooo much anger and resentment, angry at him and angry at myself that I was back in a position I swore I'd never be in again. And yes, I love him to death still. And I am still with him This group has helped me tremendously. I think I started in September, so very low, angry, depressed, at my bottom. And it's been truly picking up since then. Please continue reading and posting, and trust me, it will get much better, even if you continue to live with him. I never thought it would, but I have learned to detach, set boundaries and really are quite content most times, and I still live with my AH. I just realize that the man who was my best friend is no longer there, and may never be again. And also, like you my AH was injured and has a lawsuit pending. They can drag on, sorry to say. I also know it must be much harder for you in light of your daughter's health problems. You, your daughter and even your AH are in my prayers. HUGS.
QT

embraced2000

good afternoon findmyself

as co-dependants, that's you, me, and everyone else on this forum.....we will find many excuses to stay in a very harmful situation. and the excuses make very good sense to us at the time......when we become more aware of what is really going on with us, we look back upon our excuses that we stayed, and we see very clearly how distorted our thinking became while living with the effects of alcoholism.

practicality takes on a whole new meaning to codependants who are actively in codie-mode.

as time passes, and you read and learn, more will be revealed to you, and you will find the path to a much healthier existance.

good luck
and love to you
jeri

findmyself

I am listening. I am grateful. I was just typing on my computer all the things i felt and hit "GO" It brought me to this site and to you people. I guess maybe God is listening afterall. Thank You all. I am amongst the ranks now, and will stay.

HolyQow

After 20 years, you are entitled to half of his pension, possibly alimony, half of the house, and will receive child support. If you work, he will also be entitled to half of your pension. In addition, he will be required to provide medical insurance for your daughter.......whether he is working or not.

Personally, it was easier for me to get a job and support myself and kids, while waiting for the court to decide anything. And after a certain amount of time at new job, insurance will cover your daughter too. I believe you can also get state medical coverage.....if you are single, or make less than a certain amount. (each state is probably different....here, I know of someone that was single, pregnant, and didn't make much money and she applied for a state medical card. I think it is separate from welfare. She still has this medical coverage, and has had a second child which was completely covered)

I strayed a bit from main point, but it's not the actual leaving that's the question....it's the fear of the unknown. I didn't know if I would have a place to live when I wanted a divorce. I didn't know how child support worked. I didn't know anything about pensions. I had no clue how to pay a lawyer if I couldn't pay my other bills. So many unanswered things, all piled into one, that I stayed for an extra 4 (miserable) years. I was angry, frustrated, and felt unappreciated, much like you.....(and that husband never drank). When you are ready, you will know it, and I have never looked back. If I had known it would be this easy, I would have done it years before.

findmyself

irish

My daughter had Hodgkin Lymphoma and is now in remission. She got an all clean on Monday the 4th. 6 months clean. Her hair is coming back in and she has a great attitude. She is such an inspiration to me. When she was going thru treatment with not a hair on this child, she went places and did things and when people stared she would just say "um, I have cancer,thats why i have no hair" I cried, she did'nt. I screamed, she did'nt, I questioned God why her and not my husband (who doesn't really want to live anyway), she did'nt. I love her very much and will continue to pray for her to stay in remission. Thank You for asking about her.
Findmyself

AllTooSober

She sounds like a remarkable young lady. I'm glad she's got the all-clear and that you have each other to lean on these days. What comfort she must bring you!

findmyself

Thank You Alltoo, your right without her I dont know what i would do. Like I said, knowing what i know now, I would do it all over again, because if i didn't, I would not have her.

Cynay

Welcome to SR Findmyself....

I have tears in my eyes just listening to how you feel about your daughter and what a beautiful person she is.... My prayers for all 3 of you.

Just to add a side note that really helped me and opened my eyes. I was listening to a Alcoholic/drug abuser in an open AA meeting one time and what he said really made me cry... His father was an Alcoholic but it was his Mother that he remembers being crazy. See the Alcoholic would drink, fall down, laugh and do stupid things before passing out and that was the end of that drunk.... However, the Mother would screem, shout, cry, threaten, get hysterical etc.... and it did not end, it would go on for days and days.

It hit me then that I was showing my daugter the same thing. I love my daughter more then life itself.... and I was teaching her by example that this is all there is and this is how you handle it. She was not growing up with a loving, serene, compassionate Mom... she was growing up with someone just as crazy or more then the Alcoholic. I dont want my daughter to pitty me, I dont want my daughter to marry an Alcoholic and think what he does is ok because if it was good enough for the mother she loves more then anything.... then it must be ok for her.

Dont feel guilty for loving an Alcoholic hon... they are pretty amazing people and there is no shame in loving your husband.... even if he is sick. You can find a way of living happily weather he is drinking or not.... I learned how to get sane again by using Theraphy, Al-anon, open AA meetings, SR and reading everything I could get my hands on. Im the type of person that cant seem to let go of something until I understand it..... Well unfortunally Alcoholism is really hard to understand.... but I finally "Got" it.

Stick around and vent/post all you want, new people is the reason Im here... its what keeps me humble and reminds me all the time of where I came from. I look forward to getting to know you.

findmyself

cynay, is there really a way to live happily even with him drinking?
I totally get, and believe what you say about remembering the mother being the crazy one because thats how i see myself most of the time. I can so relate to that. I don't want my child to repeat any of this because of me. I feel so bad for her, because i remember my relationship with my father and it was wonderful, it kills me that she will never have that. But Its going to be a long road from where we are, to a happy life with or without him. I dont really understand how you can stay with an alcoholic and be "happy" too.

AllTooSober

I think what they mean by that is that you can find happiness regardless of what he does. You may never be happy with the drinking (and honestly, who would?) but you don't have to let it ruin your life too. In my situation I don't think I can achieve that permanently, and if kids are involved you have their well being to consider too. I guess instead of being "happy" it'd be more accurate to say "not feeling or acting as crazy as the addict and being emotionally unhealthy." The difference is subtle but important.