need some direction
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
I think that's true. When I hear in Al-Anon we can be happy "whether the alcoholic is drinking or not" I know that in my case that meant without him in my life. I have a very good life now - not the one I set out to have, but as AH continues to spiral down, I am grateful I am not going down with him. Some of my friends who remained in the marriage have also found happiness, others have not but have their reasons for staying. By listening to everyone share about their lives, what strikes me is a lot of that depends on whether the main thing that was bothering them was the actual drinking, not the other behaviors some alcoholics exhibit. Hope that makes sense.
Good luck.
Good luck.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 34
When we were young and just starting out, He 21 , me 20. He could drink all day and never appear to be intoxicated, never slur his words or miss a step. Now 25 years later, one beer and a shot, I cant stand for him to talk to me. His speach and demenor drive me mad. The inability to focus his eyes and have a conversation of any worth at all, are the things that put me over the edge. When this man is sober, I love to be with him, he holds my hand and kisses me when he comes home from work. So, my point being is that perhaps its not the actual drinking, but what that drinking brings about in him, which is a whole other, complete and different being. He does things drunk, he would never do sober. How do you seperate to two, Love the one, and contend with the other? You would have to learn to be a human light switch.
been searching for the dream
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Inhaling the mountain air through my mind's eye.
Posts: 240
Well, a human light switch. I like that. let me just say that your child sounds so special and god loves her. Thank god for her being and staying in remission. They do things drunk that are so annoying and to me personally embarassing and at times intolerable. I have done things to keep myself apart from it from going out, staying out at a hotel believe it or not, and going to sleep for me to stay calm. In the morning I wake up and he is there. I don't think I am so much of a light switch as I stay as steady within myself as i can. I come here go to the al-anon online meeting, these tools help me. I am ok with some things and not ok with others. I will not allow him to drive with me drunk. When he is alone that is on him not me. He would have to face that not me. I would never get him out of jail if he were there for a DUI and I would never drive him around he would have to figure that out for himself. He would be the one responsible. I let him know that when he is out of it and we are out in a group that it has become intolerable for me with key phrases such as "Would you like some coffee?" He knows that that means out. If he continues and ignored me I would get a cab and go home he is on his own. So, I don't see myself as a light switch but as the light lighting my way down the path for now. I am ok with this for the most part now. I love him drunk or not I do not love his behavior. I let him know that. It is hard to change yourself and your reactions to things. I have learned a lot here and recently came through a pretty bad meltdown I posted it you can read them. they are horrible to me when they happen and I am unable to employ any of my tools. We can only do so much. As they say here and in al-anon progress not perfection. Irsh
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
The friends I've made who have learned to live with it I've met in Al-Anon. The 12 steps are a powerful tool for me in living my life. Learning to set boundaries and living a life separate from another's drinking is key. AH had unacceptable behaviors when drinking - adultery, verbal and emotional abuse. I've often said that if all he did was "drink" I would probably still be in the marriage. This may sound strange, but I'm kinda glad it was more than the drinking because it's important to me to have someone fully present in a relationship. There was a time we were also best friends, though I've come to believe it's not enough to have that only during "sober" times.
Everyone is different, the key is finding what works for each of us. It's hard work, but worth it. I am grateful for the gift of a happy life which I believe I've achieved by being true to me. I had lost that sharing life with an addict.
Be kind to yourself; it's not an easy life.
Everyone is different, the key is finding what works for each of us. It's hard work, but worth it. I am grateful for the gift of a happy life which I believe I've achieved by being true to me. I had lost that sharing life with an addict.
Be kind to yourself; it's not an easy life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 34
Well,well,well, its Friday night and he's home and hes sober (thanks for this one God) He wants to go out to dinner. He will never drink in front of me, never. So, I guess tonight's a good night. Thank You all, I will be back, You can bet on that, I need your help and I thank God I found SR. May you all find peace tonight and sleep well.
Love, findmyself
Love, findmyself
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
That's agood way to look at it Jeri, been there done that a few times.
Ngaire
Ngaire
Originally Posted by embraced2000 
good afternoon findmyself
as co-dependants, that's you, me, and everyone else on this forum.....we will find many excuses to stay in a very harmful situation. and the excuses make very good sense to us at the time......when we become more aware of what is really going on with us, we look back upon our excuses that we stayed, and we see very clearly how distorted our thinking became while living with the effects of alcoholism.
practicality takes on a whole new meaning to codependants who are actively in codie-mode.
as time passes, and you read and learn, more will be revealed to you, and you will find the path to a much healthier existance.
good luck
and love to you
jeri
as co-dependants, that's you, me, and everyone else on this forum.....we will find many excuses to stay in a very harmful situation. and the excuses make very good sense to us at the time......when we become more aware of what is really going on with us, we look back upon our excuses that we stayed, and we see very clearly how distorted our thinking became while living with the effects of alcoholism.
practicality takes on a whole new meaning to codependants who are actively in codie-mode.
as time passes, and you read and learn, more will be revealed to you, and you will find the path to a much healthier existance.
good luck
and love to you
jeri
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
findmyself, like your name....I know I had started to lose myself, and it feels good to find myself again. Alanon will be a great help to you, and help you be more peaceful and sort things out, and sometimes makes a difference in your A's life too. You have had alot placed in your life....God be with you. You will find much comfort in this site and with us who totally understand. That is just wonderful that your Daughter had a clean report. Such a strong girl.
Hope your dinner went well last night. We are here for you.
Hope your dinner went well last night. We are here for you.
Always hopeful...
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illinois
Posts: 429
findmyself, like your name....I know I had started to lose myself, and it feels good to find myself again. Alanon will be a great help to you, and help you be more peaceful and sort things out, and sometimes makes a difference in your A's life too. You have had alot placed in your life....God be with you. You will find much comfort in this site and with us who totally understand. That is just wonderful that your Daughter had a clean report. Such a strong girl.
Hope your dinner went well last night. We are here for you.
Hope your dinner went well last night. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: mpl,mn
Posts: 43
After twenty five years of marriage to my AH, the last 7 being hell, I am now in therapy, go to all the al-anon meetings I can find and am hopeing to get past all the damage that I allowed to happen to myself by thinking that I could change anything, I am finding the only person you can change is yourself, no matter how happy you might have been , no matter how many good things happened in the past, alcohol ravages not only the alcoholic but all those close to them. Be kind to yourself and go to al-anon, alateen, and maybe some therapy, you need to arm yourself with those that can give you loving support, to protect yourself and your daughter, because until they hit their bottom and choose to seek help, the problems just continue to get worse. Hugs.
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