refreshing34

I haven't posted for a while because I haven't had any computer access but alot has happened.

I have been telling AH for a while now that I can't continue like this that he needs help. When I came home at the end of the summer he had agreed to go to counseling and that he was willing to work on things. He went to one session and won't go back.
I have been sleeping on the couch most nights because when has drank too much he forces me into things I don't want to do and as a result I can't stand him to touch me because I just feel this horrible gut wrenching feeling.
I have explained this to him multiple times and no matter how much he tells me he won't do this he still does. The other night he told me that if I don't work on things and start enjoying sex with him he can't do it anymore and is now turning it all around and blaming me for a problem he caused and now he is talking of leaving me. I thought that is what I wanted but then it hurt alot to hear him say all this.
So this morning I asked him if he had thought anymore about getting help and quitting drinking and he said yes. He said he had read all the info I had copied (about A and the stages of A) he is now saying he thinks it is even less of a problem after reading about it than he thought before.
I told him it is a matter of how often he drinks and that he is drunk 1-3 times per week. He never responded to that.
He just thinks that things have gone too far between us and no matter what he does I won't be able to get over what he has done. I told him the only way that is possilbe is if he gets help and quits drinking. Everything was left hanging. He won't agree to help or quitting at this point.

I feel so lost and alone. I never thought things would come to this. He honestly acts like he would rather his family walk out the door than get help. I am still reading but I need help in knowing how to take this next step. Im not sure how to proceed. Do I just keep going along for now trying to get him to see? or do I leave and see if that shows him how serious I am?
Thanks to all who have responded in the past. I look forward to hearing what everyone has to say in this situation.

THE KING

WOW thats a hard choice but there is 1 thing I would try (thats assuming you havent already and I assume you have) before making that choice and that being an intervention

but not just you and the kids (if you have any)

I mean a HUGE intervention with you, any kids you have your parentrs, his parents, your siblings, his siblings basically the ENTIRE family if that doesnt work then the choice becomes easy

embraced2000

hi refreshing.....

first...imo....all that be done about the alcoholic is nothing.....and everything.

nothing in the matter that all you can do is ask him once to get help, after telling him your concerns, and offering information. chances are he won't listen, but at least you have made the attempt.

then, you can do everything for yourself....go to al-anon, or another recovery group, learn what you can do to save your own sanity, and gain some balance in your life. it is very difficult, but the rewards are tremendous.

your alcoholic has to hit his own bottom....you can not force the bottom....it will only make you emotionally ill trying to control the uncontrollable.

love to you
jeri

cmc

Hi,
Nobody but you can decide this. It's good you realize that you can't control his drinking or anything he decides to do.
What you can control is what you do and what you allow.
Do you have children in the home? If so, then it is even more critical for you to get some outside support.
Going to Alanon will help, it's recommended to try at least 6 meetings before you decide if it's right for you. I found my meetings to be a life line.
Coming here to SR is an excellent choice and soon others will be coming online and will share with you.

refreshing34

I do have children ages 7, 13 & 14.

I am trying to locate and alanon in my area but I am in a very small community and I haven't been able to yet. I know that would help. I even put an email into al-anon and haven't gotten a responce yet. It has been a week so I am trying a diffrent route.

As far as an intervention I have been reading up on that. Part of the problem with that is nobody except 3 people know (my sister, his sister (who is A) and my friend) of his drinking problem. Not even his mother knows. I am pretty much alone in this.

IrshIzNotSmilin

Re-read this. Focus on yourself. I ditto what everyone else shared. I feel for you it sounds hopeless but there is hope when you come here and post and when you find al-anon. I think that what you posted here may have your answer. I hope that you can find some support in your area. Someone here told me about on-line al-anon and that worked nicely so far because I can't make it work with my schedule. www.keytoharmony.com. Search there. Just know that we understand.

refreshing34

Thank you for the link. It gave me a better place to search for answers and it lead me to a phone number and I called and found an al-anon meeting in my area. Thank you so much. I will be attending the next meeting and also try to get some info on al-ateen for my other children. I tried 3 cities closeby before I found one but it isn't far. Once again thank you so much for pointing me in the direction that gave me the answer I have been searching for for weeks.

lilac

(((Refreshing34))) I ditto the other posts. You didn't cause his problem and can't cure it. He has to hit his bottom point on his own. I am so glad that you are posting and reading on this site, and looking into al-anon. Just know that there are people here who care and understand.

mallowcup

I agree with what everyone else has said. I think one thing that might help is to look at what you do know. You have some reasonable terms and he's pretty much saying no to them. We, as a matter of fact, he is saying no to them. The answer will lie in what you decide not in what he will do at this point. This would be a good time to think about how you might leave.

Tally

Sorry to point this bit out, but what exactly do you mean?

refreshing34

He forces me to have sex with him. He won't take no for an answer. He will keep me awake until he gets sex. He is very rough and inconsiderate. I feel like I am always protecting myself. If I go to sleep I might wake up and he is already in the act.When someone is so mean about it you just start being turned off.

AllTooSober

Forcing you to have sex is not "being mean," it's out-and-out abuse. At best, it's utter disregard for your boundaries. At worst, it's rape. No still means no, even if you're married. Can you leave? Have him arrested? Convince him to leave?

I am so sorry this is happening to you! I can empathize to a point... my A gets demanding about sex when he's wasted too, and I'm just as turned off by it, but he never forces me into anything.

PaperDolls

Actually -- forcing you to have sex is rape.

refreshing34

When he forces me he uses blackouts as an excuse and says he can't help it and he can't remember.
I don't buy it. It hurts that he does this to me and can't understand why I don't want to have sex with him. As many times as I have told him it still happens. He thinks he is getting better. I DON"T

refreshing34

He thinks I am going overboard about it. He doesn't see it as much of a problem. I am working on leaving. He swears he doesn't know he's doing it and is determined when we go to bed not to do it but he does it anyway.

What is the diffrence between being demanding and forcing? I know that sounds like a stupid question but anymore I don't know the diffrence. He knows I will eventually let him do it so I can sleep. Sometimes I give in sometimes I can push him away Sometimes I can't push him away he is going to do it anyway.

Cynay

It does not matter to me what the difference between demanding and forcing is...... When I say no and he takes it anyway by physical force or mentaly tearing me apart..... its still Rape.

This is coming from a Codi that has been raped more then once and also by her husband. Marriage does not give him the right to sex.... it should give him the pleasure and gradutude of having found a loving partner to share his life with.

Sounds to me like you are so beat down at the moment you dont know the difference.... I remember that feeling hon..... *hugs* to you.

AllTooSober

It might sound simplistic, but demanding is just words; forcing is action that you can't stop. If he's forcing himself, it doesn't matter whether he's in a blackout or not. The fact that he's glossing over his horrible behavior is pretty alarming, too, but then addicts are sick... all the same he's the only one responsible for his behavior. I don't think you're going overboard at all... if anything it's underboard! You have every right in the world not to be groped or probed or even touched if you don't want to, by anybody, even your husband!

Giving in just to keep things simple is a slightly different thing... it still sucks, but at least it was your decision. Plus when they're that drunk, at least whatever they're going to do won't take too long.

Big hugs to you, refreshing!!

denny57

Do you have another bedroom with a lock on the door?

refreshing34

No I don't.
Let me explain a little further. When this all began he us to seek me out. He hasn't for a while but I still worry. We were at a friends house and he ended up in a teenagers bed. Luckily she wasn't home but it scared me that if he didn't know how he got there and he would force me to have sex and if Im not there and he was looking for me that what if he ended up in one of the kids beds. Even though that has never happened I am afraid it could be possible. If I am on the couch I am close to my kids. I know he would never do that intentionally but the fear is still there.

As I said that was about 2 years ago but the fear it put in me will not go away. I have to be certain he doesn't do that to anyone else.

prodigal

I'm glad you are here. You are experiencing some very frightening things and I'm sure your children are being affected as well. Yes, a man can force you to have sex with him by physically overpowering you to the point that you cannot fight him off. You mentioned your AH is pestering you to the point that he won't let you sleep. It sounds to me that if this is the case, you DO have the choice to go beyond saying "no" or else relenting and giving him what he wants in order to get him to leave you alone.

If that is the case, and he is not physically restraining you, then you are in collusion with him. You are allowing yourself to submit to sex you do not want. Can you bundle up the kids and get in a car and drive to a friend's house or a family member's house and spend a few nights? If he realizes he can wear you down, he will continue to do this. When he realizes he cannot succeed using this method, chances are he will back off.

You are trying to make him see the light. You want him to have an "ah-ha" moment when he slaps he forehead and says, "Darn, I AM an alcoholic and I must get into a rehab facility and or program." It doesn't work. Take it from someone who spent waaaaayyyyy too long trying to make an AH "see the light." If you videotaped him staggering around drunk and showed it to him, he'd still find a way to dance around taking responsibility.

He will only decide to straighten out when he decides to. All you can do is work a program about you. Once you begin to focus on yourself, your needs, and who you are - and how you ended up where you are now - then you will be able to feel better regardless of what his issues may be emotionally or drinking-wise.

Take care of yourself and your children. You deserve it.