ampmampm

My partner hates my best friend. I am a gay man and she is a straight woman who is not in a relationship. She and I worked together and really bonded and hung out a bit too much when we first became friends. At that time my partner was working really late hours in the evening and I was home alone a lot, so I started having dinner with my friend and going out every now and then.

I have apologized to my partner for not having the best boundaries at the start of my friendship and have made what I believe are significant changes to ensure that I have as healthy a friendship as possible.

But my partner still hates my friend and would like me to give my friend up. I am torn. The other thing is that this has been a pattern in our relationship. He has always disliked my friends and have given quite a few up.

I am confused and not sure how to deal with this in a healthy way.

Tally

Is your partner an A?

embraced2000

your partner sounds as if he is very insecure and would rather have you isolated, without any friends at all. in my experience, that is not a healthy place to be....you cannot change that in him....he would have to recognize this defect of character and work on it himself....jmho.

i'm curious....what is s&l addict that is on your avatar....i'm not familiar.

jeri

thejig

I have had this kind of experience before with an ex-bf....he hated all of my friends and family. I realize now, many years later, that this was his attempt to control me...it was all about control. i would suggest you set a healthy boundary with him by telling him that you won't choose his friends and he shouldn't choose yours either. Good luck.
AA HUGS
Jig

reader

My mother is gay and her partner is also very jealous. In a relationship trust is very important. He sounds controlling, like the others have said. I personally, would not allow this. Many years ago when I was young, I lived with someone who was a very jealous type. He would say my friends were sluts or anything to try to isolate me and keep me under his thumb. Please remember you shoud have a friend. Like u suggested u have a health balance now. I would not put up with this. To break the codependency cycle we need to remember to think of ourselves also and if u like this friend so be it. Take Care of U, Kerry

bahookie

I'd agree, this is about control.

It's healthy to have friends, to go out and do things outside the relationship. I've given up friends in relationships before regretted it. Now I remember that I'm old enough to pick my own friends

Jane

lilac

I agree with the others about the control factor. You are an adult and should be allowed to pick your own friends.

ampmampm

Thanks for sharing your experience everyone.

I have felt that this was control and I should not give in. I am very critical of myself and when criticized I often see every potential mistake or error I could be making. I am learning about having healthy friendships and I should be given an opportunity to form those with the people that I choose to form them with. I may make mistakes with my boundaries from time to time but I have to remember to own my mistakes, make ammends and move on ... not give up on myself.

Someone asked what S&A in my profile stood for... it stands for Sex and Love Addiction. I have attended a few meetings for this and identified with some addictive behaviours around seeking and needing someone to love me. Because I am a survivor of sex abuse as well, I struggle with having a healthy sex life and in the past have used sex or masturbation in response to stress, joy, sadness or any other strong feelings. Those meetings were helpful and I have felt a great shift around these addictive behaviours, but I still have to work on them with the support of my therapist, my partner, friends, etc.

reader

Its good that u our working on this, coming to terms with it is the first step. We all desire love and acceptance, by God we want to be validated, if not by our selves then by someone else. I am so glad I stumbled on this site and realized my role in this alcoholic dance. Take care of U, Kerry

Kellye C

I agree with what has been posted. It sounds like he is insecure as well as controlling. My ex-AH was like this, didn't want me to spend time with family, kids, friends or anybody but him. He took phone messages and never gave them to me, insisted that I move to Louisiana from Texas with him, had fits when my kids wanted to spend time with me etc. The worst part of all of this is I allowed it. At least I did for a year. I got enough of it, moved back to Texas and vowed that I would not let another dominate/dictate to me again.

It doesn't sound to me as though you have done anything wrong and therefore nothing to beat yourself up over. This is his issue and he has to deal with it. If you give in on this and get rid of the friend trust me he won't like the next one either and you will have set a precedent that you DON"T want to set.